Looking for someone to talk to

[WarrickRainer]

I've spent the last few of years embracing a genderqueer attitude toward myself. I have identified as neither male nor female, or both, for a long time. I recently came to the conclusion that I am a male afterall. After breaking down the expectations of society and my family and coming into my own freedom, I realized I'd been denying myself for years.

Two nights ago, it hit me with the weight I never expected. I am unsure how to deal with this. I've been aware of my desire to be a male for some time, to be called he, him, sir, things like that. Still, it was all just for fun and games until recently, when I realized how unlike myself I've been feeling for so long.

I feel like this might be the real me, who I really am, and if I can somehow throw off these physical perceptions I'd be much happier. I am miserable. I feel like a ghost in some foreign body, not really seen. I feel like I don't want to have to change my whole life to be myself.

I feel really lost, really confused, and really alone. My girlfriend has been really accepting and awesome and almost somewhat excited for me. But I don't know anyone who has had an experience like this, I have no one to talk to, I have no where to go.

I just recently quit therapy, and now I think that might have been a mistake...

I feel broken, like a stupid freak (not that I feel that way about transgendered people, but it is different when it is you), and most of all, I feel completely alone. I already have struggled a lot of my life with depression, anxiety, and ptsd.... I have always felt isolated... now I barely feel human.

I feel the more I learn about myself, the farther away from humanity, society, and earth I get. I'm scared to embrace this, I'm scared to test it, I don't know how to feel or how to face this.

I cried quite a bit last night, just coming to terms with it. I don't know where to go, who to talk to, or if I should just pretend it never happened.

[mrs izzy]

First off welcome.

I would suggest you get back into Therapy as soon as possible. It will help you so much dealing with eveything that your mind is throwing at you. It happens to all of us. As other call it overload. Its like one of them snake cans, once you open the lid all hell breaks loose.

When you need take the time and cry if you need or stomp your feet when you feel over your head with things. Its all part of starting out.

Glad your GF is helping, having someone close is nice to have when you are first starting out and through all that will come.

Wish you well on this path you will walk if it is something you find out with therapy you need to walk.

Izzy

[SaveMeJeebus]

First off welcome.

I would suggest you get back into Therapy as soon as possible. It will help you so much dealing with eveything that your mind is throwing at you. It happens to all of us. As other call it overload. Its like one of them snake cans, once you open the lid all hell breaks loose.

When you need take the time and cry if you need or stomp your feet when you feel over your head with things. Its all part of starting out.

Glad your GF is helping, having someone close is nice to have when you are first starting out and through all that will come.

Wish you well on this path you will walk if it is something you find out with therapy you need to walk.

Izzy

I am stomped as to what else to say as I would only be repeating similar to what Izzy has said. I still want to welcome you to the forums though... WELCOME! :]

[Miss Jill Thorn]

hi WarrickRainer, you said volumes about  your feelings in your post,I too have went thru much of what you stated,I will address 3 statements you  made,
1st:I recently came to the conclusion that I am a male after all
2nd:I realized I'd been denying myself for  years
3th:or should I  pretend it never happened
the above statements esp 1 and 3 could be  reversed by t hat I mean you had given it plently of thought to  have to come to an conclusion then the denying I had that as well I kinda think  that's natural to  be in  denial at times then the pretending is not  good because not being truthful with oneself.
now perhaps with all the other things you spoke of maybe you should resume your therapy,maybe some of the others here in susans can respond and help you more than i can,I can only say I have expirenced difficulties as well to find the real me but being honest  with one's self is been a  real  key  for me,contact me if need a  friend hugs from MIss Jill in alabama

[V M]

Hi WarrickRainer 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here

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Hugs

V M

[WarrickRainer]

The thing is I can't afford therapy, and on top of it I have found therapy to be more harm than good. I'm sick of reliving experiences because my therapist is overwhelmed and can't remember what I told them. I have "poor people" insurance and I cannot just choose who I see, so I really am not looking to put myself back into that awkward and horrible environment. Which is why I came here, looking for someone to talk to. Someone who knows what this is like, who is human and real, who I don't have to pay to listen to me. I'm feeling really bad and now kind of rejected and frustrated that I am repeatedly being told to go back to therapy. I've read a lot about the subject of transgender and I know a lot about therapy, I mean the internet has oodles to offer but it's not the same as talking to someone with experience.

I'm 27 and have lived as woman up until recently when I would sometimes roleplay as my male side with my girlfriend. It was fun until I realized it's who I really am.

I don't know how to tell if what I'm feeling is real, or anything about anything. Reality seem so completely buggered now and no one in my tiny little group of humans I know have any idea what to tell me. I've tried various message boards and... I don't know, I guess I just have a hard time communicating.

I really just need someone to talk to, who won't analyze me, but will either relate or express their feelings. That would be really helpful.

[Jamie D]

Warrick, let's accept, first and foremost, that you are not a "stupid freak."

We each have a unique journey.  We cross paths with many.  Some join us, some leave us.  And sometimes, like on any trips, we have rest stops and layovers.  There's nothing wrong with that.  Then one day, we jump right back on that road.

We have a number of members who identify as FtA.  Some re-identified as FtM after a while.  What is most important is finding your own comfort zone.

[Jared]

I feel the more I learn about myself, the farther away from humanity, society, and earth I get.

Sometimes I feel like that too  If you can't afford therapy the second best thing to do is speaking similar people to you, so good thing you'rre here. I hope you'll make friends and start to understand yourself better. Feel free to talk to me if you'd like to

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi Warrick,

Welcome to our little family. Over 7102. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother.


Janet  )O(

[Salman67]

Hi Warrick,

I read your post and that is what i am going through now. I have a therapist but it seems like he is just telling same things over and over again so i actually stopped booking appointments with him.
You can messege me because i am actually looking for someone who is expressing the same things that i am. I am 24 but no one in my life knows that i am trans except my therapist.

So bro you can msg me and we can share our thoughts...there are alot of stuff that you dont want to discuss to your therapist because they dont care; they get paid and thats all that matters for them at least in my case anyways keep in touch buddy n BTW welcome to this forum