Not sure how to word this?

[Teela Renee]

Im not sure how to word this?  How does one go about dealing with pre suicidal thoughts? My lightbulb has grown so dim over the last few months due to all the drama, betrayals, people pissing on the emotions I just learned to experience, and just over all feeling like everytime I find a flicker of hope, it ignites a bonfire of despair.  I seriously feel like im circling the drain and I cant figure out how to recover.  Literally the only thing thats stopped me from ending my life is the fear of going into the afterlife with a penis between my legs forever.  Thats literally all I got left besides my friend Sourskiddlez and I feel so distant from her lately.  Im terrified of what might happen if all this crap in my life keeps happening over and over and over.  I cant even get one day to hide under the covers and cry. The BS even manages to hunt me down and remove me from the saftey of my own tears.

[kathyk]

A lot of us have had our own share of those thoughts, and we're here for you, so don't keep the feelings locked up inside.  And it may sound weird but you can start tonight with a PM to some of the girls you post with the most here on Susan's.  I've done it with girls in my therapy groups in California, and at least one of them will always get back to me quickly, or even better sometimes they ask me to call.

There are also help lines in large communities, and they have toll free numbers for those in towns that don't have these kinds of services.  I know people who work in, or have worked at centers that run the help lines, and they get a lot of calls like the one you'd be making (not suicidal, but in dispair).  Believe me it helps, because I had to make one of those calls just a week ago when I all-out cried for six straight hours and wished something would kill me to get it over with.

So talk to the girls here on Susan's, and call any help line you can.

Hugs,  K.

[Teela Renee]

Its just so overwhelming,   Having become Teela, Getting to be teela since April21st.  Getting to see and be with my roomie sourskiddlez as she went through SRS and getting to be there for her.  Even tho we arnt related, I think of her as family, we got tons of big sister/lil sister drama between the two of us. Im also madly in love with her.... get tons of mixed signals and feelings back from her. I never once in my relationship with my ex fiancee did I feel as strong for her as I do for sourskiddlez.              I also settled into a new job as a home health aid helping the mentally and physically disabled. Filed for my legal name change last week.    Sourskiddlez and her family let me take their last name cause I wanted to honor them for all they have done for me.     My biological family feels like they have all but abandoned me.      Abunch of co workers are determined to ruin my career at my new job because im trans, and several of them have been disapplined for their actions against me. Which has only made them more ambivious in there goal to undermine my everymove. They refuse to call me Teela, or use female pronouns when addressing me (which they have been disaplined for multiple times)   I just recently ripped a muscle in my back at work and have been on restricted duty and thats been a trip, has put me in a financial tailspin.  People I thought where friends have stabbed me in the back to the point to where im seriously afraid to let anyone near me emotionally again.  Between all my worries making me a basket case, my pain meds for my back have me even more jacked up. So ive been making stupid mistakes, careless judgment calls.  There is nothing I feel like I can do about it but ride it out, and ive heard that for last 26 years of my existance. Im sick of trying to do my own thing within the flow, the flow doesnt feel like it gets any better. And I have no way to break out of that flow.              I dont even know how to forgive myself for my mistakes in life, let alone forgive others. Im a terriable judge holder.  I've developed nasty rage issues.  I threw my brandnew laptop out the window and into the street because it lagged in the middle of a mech warrior match.      If it wasnt for cigarettes and my punching bag, id probably be in legal trouble by now the rage episodes are getting that bad.     If im not ragin externally, im squirriled away ripping myself apart from the inside out.                   Literally all I have left I feel like is, the room I rent at sourskiddlez place, and her.  And at times I feel like im losing her to. And she is my last tangiable friend I have, and probably the only true friend I've ever had that I could see in person.   Im terrified of losing what I have, and terrified of what I dont have.  Terrified of the things I dont want.                   Thor, the old me was introverted, closed off, everything I hated in a person, loner, stood alone, supported hiself and didnt need others to feel wanted or loved.       Teela is everything Thor wasnt.   Im sensitive now, Im starved for human connections (which terrifiy me because im way to use to being takin advantage of)   Teela longs for a family which she now feels like she has and is terrified of losing.                                  My brain goes so many directions at one time it never shuts the hell up, it wont focus, it wont let me find serenity.  It's terrified of almost everything,    I cant figure out if its myself, or the world around me im hating.                    Its just so overwhelming.

[calico]

I wish I could offer more than this but I sometimes feel as you however replace the rage with sadness, which sometimes feeds into hopelessness, like tonight I feel a lil this way, I think at least for me is before I transitioned I never really learned real life coping skills and just created a shell, even after I transitioned I was still protected by others, and didn't get to experience or learn from or about, now since srs I am facing this issue and I feel like while I am old enough to know better my maturity and age level with dealing and coping at times is 14-17 years old, which coicidently the world wont accept so I have to try to bury this the best I can and act my age....
it gets to me a lot sometimes but I try to get on here or do other things to help alleviate the issues, sounds like the trouble makers will be on their way out before long, especially if they keep up the shenanigans,  just have patience on this as the last laugh will be yours

[Bardoux]

Teela, they say transition is going through a second puberty and i wholeheartedly agree. It is overwhelming, it is hard, transition does have a load of roadblocks and closures, pains and heartache. But there is also a lot of joy, freedom, being true to oneself and friends that love you for the real you.
I think your doing wonderfully well already Teela and i remember reading your hospital story with a smile.
I know it's really difficult Teela, and i am feeling much the same way this morning, but i try to tell myself that transition is a journey, and to try to work towards my goals.

[kathyk]

I could give a lot as advice, but unless it's technical or legal I'm somewhat of a buffoon.  Engineers are sometimes socially left out, and I'm a classic case where the gender conflicts in my youth made the social anxiety even worse.

But to go on, I was also a loner in my old male life, and that background made it crippling when these damn hormones kicked in.  .   Like you, I suddenly want and need contact with living, caring people who are friends without question.  And I also need women who understand what it means to be transgender, and can share in the trials we go through.  After so many months of avoiding group situations I've found so many women like me in group therapy, and the girls my age in these groups had similar life experiences.  They've also felt left out, abandon, or forgotten, and mostly alone when everything goes wrong.  I call it being invisible.  Yeah, everyone sees us, and hears us, and they still pretend we're not here.   So I go to group therapy because women my age are there, and we share a lot.  The few old friends I had disappeared, and new ones are taking their places.  Yet to my surprise a few of the cis women I used to work with email me regularly now, and we gossip.  Yes, Gossip.

Anyway I love my group sessions, and before coming up to Michigan for the summer I couldn't wait for Tuesdays to roll around.  I'd speak with the older girls most, but the young girls are so smart these days, and are way ahead of anything I could have dreamed of at their age.  And hey, it's also a great way to find people who want to have a small group lunch or dinner.  So it's not all serious, and overwhelming.  There are real people out there.

Sorry this may have rambled a bit.  And if you ever need to talk you have my number.

Take care.  Kathy

[Sanceria]

Well... For me... Whenever I feel that way, I think of others. I think about how it will affect them, how it will upset them, how it will leave them always questioning as to why I did it. And yeah... I don't want that to happen. I never want to hurt the ones that I love, even if it seems as if they don't love me now. Also... I think about how it would make me a liar if I kill myself. For me... It would make every time I said "I love you" to someone a lie, because I'd purposely be doing something that would hurt them. So that is what I do. Think of others and what the potential impact of my actions may be.

Another thing that really helps me when I feel that way is to distract myself. If I am busy doing something else, I can't think bad thoughts. So I would play games or watch TV. Lately, though, that has become a bad thing. I've become so immersed in TV these days that I've been losing track of time and staying up late. That unfortunately has been affecting my work, heh. So I've been working to get my sleep schedule back to normal and have been trying a healthier approach.

This brings us to another option... Writing. I'm finding that it helps to type or write what is bugging you because it gets it out of your head. It also gives you an opportunity to see and hear your thoughts, which helps in the evaluation process. When we write, we tend to be saying the stuff we are writing in our head as if we were talking (at least I do that.) Then you see the words before you, and you can then read them to sort out which feelings are beneficial and which are not beneficial. One trick I was taught was to take the negatives and then to see if you can rephrase them to be the opposite if what you said. It is really useful.

Anyways... I hope this helps and just know that you are not alone. It may seem that you only have one person there for you, but that isn't completely true. In this place how have many people that will gladly be there for you when you need the. The beauty is that there are people from all around the world that is on here. This means that you have a 24/7 support group. So whenever you are down, just post on here and you'll get help. It is the point of this, really.

Oh! I forgot a  book. That helps big time. You learn new things and you escape into other worlds. Just don't escape too much. I've done that before. Heh. Anything you do can become excessive if you aren't careful.

In conclusion... Don't forget that you are not alone. Almost all of us has been at the point that you are at one time or another. You'll pull through it, though. You are string. You wouldn't have come as far as you are now if you weren't. 'Don't worry. Be happy now.' Hope you have a good day. *hugs*

[Athena]

Take one step at a time. Don't try to fight all your fires at the same time. Break them down and deal with each issue that comes up. Get you back in better shape then talk to hr about a hostile work environment, each step can be managed trying to do it all at once will become overwhelming.
More importantly talk to people here talk to someone every day, don't allow yourself to fester on all the bad let people here help you carry your burden.

[Teela Renee]

*smashes head on desk*  To top it all off, just got a tow home. Teela mobile no good, engine went boom. Went it rains it pours, in my case, hurricans and tornado's

wont know how much its gonna cost till I get it looked at and rents due in a few days. I seriously just.....no...      I want to give up and I dont even know how to do that either.  AHHHH

[calico]

I'm with ya girl!! My internet just went off, because I. Can't get all my bills paid at the same time so I pick and choose which one gets the money, in 3 days time my lights will be next, but I still have some shuffleing I can do and hope it gets me to where I need to be which is with those that are owed paid. ..  its frustrating and last month I was almost at panic level but I adverted that now for this... they say there is a light at the end of this tunnel but I wonder if its perhaps some other poor fool with a really dim flshlight I am actually seeing. Oh well a least we won't be lonely! Ha!

[Athena]

Worry about rent first. Public transit sucks but it can get you around until you can get your car fixed. 1 problem at a time.

[Teela Renee]

I dont live in a major city we dont have public transit. Im also a home health aid so my job involves going to multiple homes a day.     On top of it all, my work because of my back injury even tho im getting full work release tomarow is STILL cutting my hours, and has me schedualed to where I cant go to and from my workplace.   Im so ->-bleeped-<-ed. Serious, when I lose my job, im done. Thats not a threat either so feel free to send someone after me. I'll make it easy and give you a hint.  Indiana

[Athena]

Please try to hold out for another day. When tomorrow comes reread my first line. Take it one day at a time and call crisis counseling. I wish I had the words that would make you feel better, I wish I could take your pain away. In the end I am just someone that tries to express what kept me alive when I had antidepressants forcing me to kill myself. You need someone that has the knowledge to help you both mentally and possibly other ways too.

[Teela Renee]

I am taking it one day at a time, im just saying when the day comes that Im face with unemployment, im not gonna detransition. id rather die. And im not wasting time on a crisis hotline because that still doesnt stop detransition. I will not go back to being Thor.     You know what, ill even negociate. When I become unemployed instead of taking my life. Im just gonna castrate myself, DIYS style. That way I cant detransition. Sound good to you?  You all win, I win. I can be homeless and stay Teela.  Sounds good to me.

[Athena]

Well not exactly what I was thinking, I was thinking more that with a hostile work enviroment a counselor might be able to help you find ways to not be unemployed. Perhaps there may be some form of aid to help you get your car on the road again.

[calico]

I'm not good at telling me how not to off themselves especially since ived tried a couple times but if you do chose the exit, it means you let the world win and everyone else who was against you, I prefer to not let them win.   Can you borrow a car? At least temporarily? Think of other options if your getting cut hours maybe its time for work elsewhereeven if its out of your field of work anything works heck I've worked flipping burgers temporarily until it got better... if you want to talk to someone personally pm me and ill send you my number or you can just pm me yours..

[Jamie D]

I am taking it one day at a time, im just saying when the day comes that Im face with unemployment, im not gonna detransition. id rather die. And im not wasting time on a crisis hotline because that still doesnt stop detransition. I will not go back to being Thor.     You know what, ill even negociate. When I become unemployed instead of taking my life. Im just gonna castrate myself, DIYS style. That way I cant detransition. Sound good to you?  You all win, I win. I can be homeless and stay Teela.  Sounds good to me.

Teela, there are times in life where everything seems to go wrong.  You are Teela; you never really were Thor.  You don't have to worry about your identity.  You are who you are.

You have marketable skills.  You will be employed again soon.  It is people who have no skills who have a hard time finding a job.

You should be getting some state disability or workers compensation - depending on where you hurt your back.  In the meantime, perhaps you can make some money doing some sort of work for a previous employer.  Don't be so proud as to not ask for a job back.  Even part-time ... every little bit helps.

As for your feelings about Sour Skiddlez, you should probably talk to her about that.  I honestly can't remember if she is a member here anymore, or not.  It seems to me she was, at one time.

I know you are going to pull out of this.  You are a strong woman when all is said and done.

One more thing - DIY surgery of that type is really, really dumb.

[Teela Renee]

I've flipped burgers also. To be honest I prefer working in resturants over what im doing for a living right now, and I may have to. Im weighting my options. 90% of my options come down to if my landlord is going to work with me. Cause I can keep doing my current job till transportation cost me the job.  but my landlord is gonna have to work with me till I find another job. Finding work in my city even as a burger flipper is hard, cause when the steel mills crashed, competition for even burger flipping skyrocketed.

[Teela Renee]

I hear you jamie, problem is my old employers are further away then my current employer.  :/     i'll figure it out. I may even resort to being a whore if need be. I refuse to detransition.

[Jamie D]

I hear you jamie, problem is my old employers are further away then my current employer.  :/     i'll figure it out. I may even resort to being a whore if need be. I refuse to detransition.

Please don't go that route.  You should not have to detransition.

I never got as far as you, but I know the pain of having to stop everything.  Your first obligation is to being yourself and surviving.

You have come a long way.  Please don't let circumstances pull you down.