Not sure how to word this?

[Teela Renee]

Im not letting them, im going down kicking and screaming. I may lose this battle, but I never said I wasnt going down without a fight. Im just saying when and if I lose, im not dealing with what happens after losing

[sushitime]

I am taking it one day at a time, im just saying when the day comes that Im face with unemployment, im not gonna detransition. id rather die. And im not wasting time on a crisis hotline because that still doesnt stop detransition. I will not go back to being Thor.     You know what, ill even negociate. When I become unemployed instead of taking my life. Im just gonna castrate myself, DIYS style. That way I cant detransition. Sound good to you?  You all win, I win. I can be homeless and stay Teela.  Sounds good to me.

How much do your HRT meds really cost? Less than $100 / mo in the US IIRC. This is not an insurmountable problem - find a way to get $100 / mo in cash and buy your meds.

[Danielle Emmalee]

How much do your HRT meds really cost? Less than $100 / mo in the US IIRC. This is not an insurmountable problem - find a way to get $100 / mo in cash and buy your meds.

$100 might not seem like a lot to some people but to others, that $100 might be the money they need to eat or have shelter especially if you are jobless.  Not sure entirely what Teela's situation is but it may be prudent to not assume that it is just as "simple" as finding $100/month.  Just saying.

[Teela Renee]

a 30 day supply of estrogen cost me 12 dollars, spiro cost me 23 dollars.     and yes getting my hands on that money is like looking for a diamond in the litterbox every month.     after rent, keeping my phone on, other medical bills, and other health concerns im not willing to share.   That meger 30 dollars puts me out of food for a few days.   I want you to try something. and your not allowed to eat just ramen. I want you to feed yourself twice a day, for 30 days, with a 20 dollar budget.    Your not allowed to use public assistance like the food pantry or a soup hall either. my area has non of those.   if you really wanna understand my situation, also go find a pair of readers that destroy your vision and live a few days without taking them off.  or live without your glasses for a few days.   Im in desperate need of glasses, I havnt gotten to see the world clearly in almost 5 years. My vision got destroyed when I got hit in the face with a baseball bat.  I cant even read your messages. I have to highlight them and let the handicap asis on my pc read them outloud to me.  I dont even know for sure what I look like. Imagine driving, thats scary as hell when your more or less looking at colored blurrs and using a developed 6th sense of depth.  Which also leads me to why they say dont judge someone till you know their plight.  Yes I relise and know talking about suicide is selfish, I also never said I was going to do it. I asked how to deal with the mind, when it starts to consider it.

[sushitime]

a 30 day supply of estrogen cost me 12 dollars, spiro cost me 23 dollars.     and yes getting my hands on that money is like looking for a diamond in the litterbox every month.     after rent, keeping my phone on, other medical bills, and other health concerns im not willing to share.   That meger 30 dollars puts me out of food for a few days.   I want you to try something. and your not allowed to eat just ramen. I want you to feed yourself twice a day, for 30 days, with a 20 dollar budget.    Your not allowed to use public assistance like the food pantry or a soup hall either. my area has non of those.   if you really wanna understand my situation, also go find a pair of readers that destroy your vision and live a few days without taking them off.  or live without your glasses for a few days.   Im in desperate need of glasses, I havnt gotten to see the world clearly in almost 5 years. My vision got destroyed when I got hit in the face with a baseball bat.  I cant even read your messages. I have to highlight them and let the handicap asis on my pc read them outloud to me.  I dont even know for sure what I look like. Imagine driving, thats scary as hell when your more or less looking at colored blurrs and using a developed 6th sense of depth.  Which also leads me to why they say dont judge someone till you know their plight.  Yes I relise and know talking about suicide is selfish, I also never said I was going to do it. I asked how to deal with the mind, when it starts to consider it.

I think the best way to deal with suicidal thoughts is to quantify your situation and come up with solutions. You've provided some additional parameters, so let me make a few suggestions. I've only listed three suggestions, but I'm sure others here and/or friends/family can help you with others:

- online "freelance" websites: data entry, writing, web design, web campaigns, etc; even working at $5 /hr would only require seven hours of work per month, and you can certainly find these sort of job given that English is your first language
- collect cans/bottles; you would only need to collect 25 cans/bottles per day to make enough extra money to pay for HRT at the amount you stated you need
- borrow money from a close friend / family ($35 / mo is very little inconvenience when compared to taking care of your funeral arrangements, which typically run into the thousands of dollars; you can even record the loans and repay them when you're back on your feet)

Good luck with getting back on your feet!

[Teela Renee]

I usually do barrow money or find side work to make that money, indiana has no return value on cans sadly. I used to do that when I lived in michigan hehe.    family isnt an option, when I fallowed through when transitioning they left me for the wolves.  I have a good job,  I was almost on my feet. till my car threw a piston rod. which has me terrified, losing my mobility will cost me dearly.  The people I rent from are going to let me barrow their car when they can. But we all know what happens when you miss too many shifts due to unabillty to arrive for your shifts.   Im in a desperate race against the clock to keep my water filled boat from taking on more water.       i've got some support but they already help as much as they can.  I've only got one friend, she will even tell you that. 90% of my social skills I just learned over the last 5 months.  talking on the net for me is far easier then in person.  In person it isnt out of the ordinary for me to go weeks without saying a single word. Just saying hello to a stranger feels like im standing before a dragon.   ive made so much progress in the last few months, and losing it all terrifies me. tasting what its like to be human, and having to go back to being the hermit who lived in  their car that I was before, its unsettling. and my old home doesnt even move anymore.  so if I lose my current home, id have to pick a nice dumpster to live in. im rambling now, which is kinda nice. I didnt even use to talk this much on the net......

[Erin Brianne]

Hang in there girl!!!  Are you a RN?  If so, then look up some information on traveling nurses...they make upwards of 50 an hour. ..and I know prns down here make up to 40..moving might be an option if your skill set is there:)  we are all here for you!

[Teela Renee]

former emt and currently a home health aid (CNA)  I wish I was an RN.

[Teela Renee]

On a bright side I got released back to full duty today and got offered tons of double shifts over the weekend and its with my roomie so I can ride with her to and from

[GwynnRae]

Teela, check with the local unemployment office. In some states you can get unemployment insurance if you are underemployed as well as not employed. I recently got back to work (I'm a CNA) and I was already living paycheck to paycheck one step out the door to my apartment and a payment away from the repo man. I don't know how many times that I would run scenario's of myself ending it all, but in the end I didn't and I'm glad of it. A trans sister one told me that they can't take being a transgender women away. That gives me strength. That I can weather this and still not compromise my own true self.
Hang in there girl! I hear ya. Your not alone.

Gwyn

[Teela Renee]

Teela, check with the local unemployment office. In some states you can get unemployment insurance if you are underemployed as well as not employed. I recently got back to work (I'm a CNA) and I was already living paycheck to paycheck one step out the door to my apartment and a payment away from the repo man. I don't know how many times that I would run scenario's of myself ending it all, but in the end I didn't and I'm glad of it. A trans sister one told me that they can't take being a transgender women away. That gives me strength. That I can weather this and still not compromise my own true self.
Hang in there girl! I hear ya. Your not alone.

Gwyn

aww thanks. Im trying to think positive, hardest ->-bleeped-<- ever. But it seems some kinda force or just luck is making the nexy few days alot easier. Hopefully it keeps up.

[Miranda Catherine]

Im in desperate need of glasses, I havnt gotten to see the world clearly in almost 5 years. My vision got destroyed when I got hit in the face with a baseball bat.  I cant even read your messages. I have to highlight them and let the handicap asis on my pc read them outloud to me.  I dont even know for sure what I look like. Imagine driving, thats scary as hell when your more or less looking at colored blurrs and using a developed 6th sense of depth.  Which also leads me to why they say dont judge someone till you know their plight.  Yes I relise and know talking about suicide is selfish, I also never said I was going to do it. I asked how to deal with the mind, when it starts to consider it.

Teela, if your vision is as bad as you say it is, and I have no reason whatsoever to doubt you, you're legally blind and entitled to Social Security benefits. If I were you, I would, at the very least, talk to social security or state disability in Indiana. You feel boxed into a corner, I can understand that completely, but you've transitioned at a young age, no matter how old you feel you are. Self castration is just plain stupid and out of the question if you have any hopes at eventual SRS or even a normal life as a woman. I have tried to kill myself three times and I will never detransition, like you, I'll end my life before I go back to being a male impersonator. I began to transition at 23, stopped, and finally transitioned to living full time just short of two years ago. I just turned 59 on August 16th. I wasted nearly 35 years. I have regrets and fears I doubt you can yet imagine, but I'm finally the woman on the outside I've always been in my heart and I'm happy. No matter what, Teela, the sun will rise for you and you have much to be thankful for. I know it does no good to tell you to compare your life with a starving refugee, but compare your life now to who you were when you attempted to live as a male. You've had some terrible luck, you don't live in a transgender friendly city and obviously things could be much better with your family, but even that could and very well may someday change for the better. We just don't know what the future holds, but at least you're living it as the woman you've always been in your heart and soul. None of my suicide attempts were 'cries for help' or anything other than trying to end my dismal existence. Each time I realized I failed I was so angry at myself that I couldn't even do that right, but I'm sooo glad my suicide attempts were unsuccessful, because I wouldn't have been able to fulfill the dream I'm actually living now. Life is hard for most people, and much harder for us transsexuals. But you can be happy Teela, just don't give up or give in. God bless you, Mira

[Teela Renee]

Teela, if your vision is as bad as you say it is, and I have no reason whatsoever to doubt you, you're legally blind and entitled to Social Security benefits. If I were you, I would, at the very least, talk to social security or state disability in Indiana. You feel boxed into a corner, I can understand that completely, but you've transitioned at a young age, no matter how old you feel you are. Self castration is just plain stupid and out of the question if you have any hopes at eventual SRS or even a normal life as a woman. I have tried to kill myself three times and I will never detransition, like you, I'll end my life before I go back to being a male impersonator. I began to transition at 23, stopped, and finally transitioned to living full time just short of two years ago. I just turned 59 on August 16th. I wasted nearly 35 years. I have regrets and fears I doubt you can yet imagine, but I'm finally the woman on the outside I've always been in my heart and I'm happy. No matter what, Teela, the sun will rise for you and you have much to be thankful for. I know it does no good to tell you to compare your life with a starving refugee, but compare your life now to who you were when you attempted to live as a male. You've had some terrible luck, you don't live in a transgender friendly city and obviously things could be much better with your family, but even that could and very well may someday change for the better. We just don't know what the future holds, but at least you're living it as the woman you've always been in your heart and soul. None of my suicide attempts were 'cries for help' or anything other than trying to end my dismal existence. Each time I realized I failed I was so angry at myself that I couldn't even do that right, but I'm sooo glad my suicide attempts were unsuccessful, because I wouldn't have been able to fulfill the dream I'm actually living now. Life is hard for most people, and much harder for us transsexuals. But you can be happy Teela, just don't give up or give in. God bless you, Mira

Thanks that actually helped alot. I tried taking my life a few times before I transitioned, thats what made me finally transition.  My first attempt I tried to hang myself and the rope snapped. -_-            Second time I walked into traffic and someone stopped me from getting hit and drug me off the road.  My last attempted is what cost me most my vision. I drove into the bad side of town and picked a fight with a group of people.  I got clubbed in the face real hard with a bat or stick or I dont know what the hell it was. But my eyes aint been right ever since. So I said ->-bleeped-<- it and here I am. I've transitioned and im still half sunk, but im still floating...somehow... So yeah I just gotta keep trying to bail the water.

[TheLance]

Just wanted to point out that you attempted suicide in 3 extreme, nearly fail proof ways, and you're still here...you ever think that maybe you're alive for a reason? I think you are. Cause that isn't just luck. You're meant to be here, Teela. Here with us, as yourself, living your life, however hellish it may be. So far I have missed two huge chances to transition because of money. Me and my gf haven't seen our son in over a month because of money. We are both trying so hard but we keep getting knocked down. But you know what? It won't last forever. And that's what keeps me going. I WILL prevail, no matter what obstacles I face. And so will you. I promise. You just have  keep going, just as I am. I have a lot of faith in you, chick. You got this.

[Teela Renee]

Just wanted to point out that you attempted suicide in 3 extreme, nearly fail proof ways, and you're still here...you ever think that maybe you're alive for a reason? I think you are. Cause that isn't just luck. You're meant to be here, Teela. Here with us, as yourself, living your life, however hellish it may be. So far I have missed two huge chances to transition because of money. Me and my gf haven't seen our son in over a month because of money. We are both trying so hard but we keep getting knocked down. But you know what? It won't last forever. And that's what keeps me going. I WILL prevail, no matter what obstacles I face. And so will you. I promise. You just have  keep going, just as I am. I have a lot of faith in you, chick. You got this.

Thats what im trying to do.  Hope your situation gets better also.

[Teela Renee]

im getting so excited, i've just picked up so many extra hours with a way to get to all of them, I might actually make enough to get a downpayment for a buy here pay here car.   *crosses fingers* I just gotta hope this luck keeps up and I dont burn out X_X

[Athena]

I really am so glad to hear that things might be picking up.

[Miranda Catherine]

Teela, I attempted three times too, and I'm sooo very happy I failed each and every time. Fortunately for me, I didn't have any lingering aftereffects like you have, but I'm sure for you they're repairable. You need to find out about getting glasses or surgery, Teela, because it sounds like when you're driving you're taking some pretty big chances. I think I'd call an optometrist or optician in your area and explain your monetary situation and if they know of a program that can get your eyes tested and get glasses for free. There are programs through most counties and states.
It also sounds like things are already looking up, girl! You're a fighter, and you deserve to win this battle and this war, until you find lifelong peace and happiness. You're going to win this war. If some old battleaxe like me can find peace and happiness, I know a young lady like you can too. Now girl, whenever you start really feeling down, find yourself a mirror and look at yourself. You've already won. You're living your life as the woman you were meant to be. Hugs, Mira

[Christine167]

Nice about the job working out currently Teela.
I often read your usual posts and they really keep me going so please stay with us. 

[Teela Renee]

Nice about the job working out currently Teela.
I often read your usual posts and they really keep me going so please stay with us. 

aww Thanks, im trying my best.