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Misgendered? confused

Started by Bookworm, August 19, 2013, 01:52:49 AM

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Bookworm

So I just got back to uni, and when I talked to a friend they said that when they saw me from behind they thought that I looked like a girl. (They thought it was my hair) I am pre-hrt. I am not sure how I feel about it. On one hand I feel excited, but on the other I do want to be able to pass as male as long as I have to. I don't want to have to cut my hair if I don't have to, but if it will cause problems idk if I want to keep it. I mean I know being transgender will come with all of its own bag of issues, but because of my situation I want to remain in a stable spot if I can.

On the other hand I am not sure if I just need to grow a thicker skin and deal with it. /sigh

Why can't this just be easy?
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Bookworm

It does not help that I am really tired, so my mind is not on all cylinders
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SaveMeJeebus

QuoteIf everything in life were easy, there would be no opportunity for real fulfillment. — Ralph Marston

You like your hair, so don't worry about what others think. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to reassure yourself.
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Taka

why do you have to pass as male then?

i don't think western countries have any laws against confusing people. try thanking people for any compliments. those who know you as a guy would probably be confused if you thanked them for saying you look like a woman from behind, but why shouldn't a guy be allowed to have nice hair as well?

(trying to think outside the boxes)
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Bookworm

There are no rules against it. I don't have a whole lot of self confidence and the fact that people are making comments bothers me. I know I should just ignore them and let them role off of my back. I am just so nervous at the moment because of all of the courses I am signed up for this year. I know that all of my nerves are just making me over think what people have said. I just need to get over it. Sometimes it is just hard you know?
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Lo

I know what that kind of stress feels like. Just take one thing at a time, one day at a time. If your hair is going to pose problems for you, it's OK to cut it off. (Women have short hair, too ;)) But don't do it to please anybody else. If you suffer from mental illness, one of the wisest things I've heard is that coping isn't healing. It's OK to want to just cope, but that shouldn't be the goal. The goal should be happiness and health. And if happiness and health involves long hair, then take your time and figure out how to bring that into your life. :]
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Bookworm

Quote from: Lo on August 19, 2013, 06:55:01 PM
I know what that kind of stress feels like. Just take one thing at a time, one day at a time. If your hair is going to pose problems for you, it's OK to cut it off. (Women have short hair, too ;)) But don't do it to please anybody else. If you suffer from mental illness, one of the wisest things I've heard is that coping isn't healing. It's OK to want to just cope, but that shouldn't be the goal. The goal should be happiness and health. And if happiness and health involves long hair, then take your time and figure out how to bring that into your life. :]

Thank you for the advice
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Taka

so your problem is that you're somewhat anxious about everything and therefor contemplating whether it would be better to just conform in order to avoid situations that you think will only make things worse?

lo's advice is good. if you want to get more comfortable around other people, the first thing you have to do is to find a way to be comfortable around yourself. doing something just because you think that other people expect it of you is often a bad idea. if you love your long hair, love it enough that you can handle other people's comments on it. i have some social anxieties that i don't show too much, but they still exist. one of the things that made me feel better about myself was dying my hair in rather unusual colors. there's no way to stop attracting looks and comments with green or blue or pink hair, but for me that was better than the ever growing discomfort with having a common feminine hairdo.

it really depends a lot on yourself, would it be worse to stand up for your right to have long hair just because you want to, or to cut your one fairly inconspicuous way of being somewhat closer to your true self?

the comments and your insecurities aren't something that you should just get over. i think most of us know that it isn't really that easy, and it often takes a lot of reflection on one's self and what would be the lesser evil. then it's all about standing for your decision despite the hardships. not an easy thing to do, but it should hopefully end up better if we do it for our own happiness rather than just following what we think are other people's expectations.

it's also ok to conform if that makes you happier. it's not like you have to run at a certain speed, it's better to make changes when it feels right and you are able to handle it.
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Bookworm

Thanks for the advice Taka. I am working on being alright with myself and I know that that will take time and effort. I do love my hair and I plan on keeping it. I just need work on being okay with myself. You are right in that I can't be okay with other people's comments if I am not okay with my own.
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Ltl89

A lot of guys grow there hair out, so don't feel like you will be prematurely outed.  I had long hair in the past and most just saw me as the weird radical left wing hippie intellectual that I am.  Believe me, you will be fine.  You have plenty of time before you have to worry about disclosing it. 
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