Not sure what to do with myself

[Rainacorn]

It has now been two weeks since my first post and in this time quite a lot of things have happened. I've decided first and foremost I need to quit hurting my body; I haven't smoked more than 2 cigarettes and my drinking has come to a near stop. So far I've only drunk once for a concert, and had a FEW shots the other night with a friend because I haven't seen him in some time.  Now that these two fun occasions have passed I feel I can easily not pick up any alcohol for some time, which is a very BIG step for me... So big in fact a few of my friends apparently don't believe I could ever quit drinking, but they will soon see   I've also been adjusting my mannerisms slightly; removing things from my behaviors I used to do just to seem more masculine such as belching and swearing, I really didn't enjoy those things anyways lol. 

My wardrobe has also begun to change, Instead of the baggy black shirt with little color I have switched to something more fitting to my inner personality.   My new shirts are all small, and they hug my body nicely. I actually have a somewhat impressive hourglass shape considering I haven't done any HRT or anything yet. Really the only things that keep me looking masculine are the size of my biceps and my protruding abs, although they're nothing compared to how big they used to be they're still seriously thick, especially for someone as slender as I am now.  My new clothes also have a lot of color, as I didn't hesitate to throw in girly colors such as pink and baby blue (my favorite mix !)   I also got a pink bracelet and a blue and pink lanyard, hooray for no more lost keys ^.^ !  I can also easily say that by wearing color now I actually feel more vibrant as a person all together, it's actually rather impressive. 

I've also started to talk more than I used to.  Because I previously didn't want to let anyone on to the fact that my thoughts and speech patterns are nearly opposite of what they should be; I was a very quiet person even though I'm truly a ditsy blonde in my mind.  Rarely would I do anything rather than listen, but now I find myself contributing to nearly every conversation.  This is especially easy if one of my girlfriends is there, she's equally as ditsy as I am so it makes me feel a little less awkward acting in such a way around my other friends who have practically NEVER seen this side of me.  Along with being more social I've also begun to vocalize how much I care about doing good things for my friends even if I have to give up certain things of my own in order to do so, I just want them to know how much I genuinely care about other people and their happiness and I hope that by making this clear now it will help them accept what they hear when I finally come out and tell them in the future. 

With all these changes so far I have managed to find some comfort in who I am as a person, but with this new found happiness I also find new worries.  I feel these changes are already very noticeable to everyone, and I constantly find myself wondering what their thoughts on it is, but I have no idea how to approach them.  I haven't in any way told them that I'm transsexual, nor do I have any idea yet on as to how I am going to do so.  I hope that by making these changes slowly they won't be as shocked when I finally come out, but I'm already experiencing so much anxiety I wonder if I will ever be able to.  Last night I was very tired and fighting sleep and my sister asked me what was wrong, which oddly enough, for once nothing was.  I told her I was fine and just exhausted (I've slept a total of 15 hours in two weeks, and 12 of those 15 were last night when I finally dropped.)  When I told her I was fine she didn't believe me; she said her 'real brother' would fight through anything to stay up with his friends.  At that exact moment I went from feeling fine about myself to feeling like the worst person ever.  I wanted to tell her and everyone they barley know anything about the real me, and that they may soon get to learn who I really am, but I just couldn't...  How can I tell everyone I'm nearly the opposite person of who I had them believing I was before these changes started?  Will they still accept me? Will they try and tell me I'm insane and need help in brainwashing myself into believing I'm a man? Or am I going to lose them as friends altogether as a result of this?   


What do you all think?  Has anyone else tried this method of coming out to others, and has it worked? How quickly would the HRT be noticeable if I were to start it before coming out?  I'm at a complete loss here. I know I have the chance to be who I want to be now, and there's nothing more I want than that, but I'm so terrified of the fact that this will change my entire life and I have absolutely no idea who will stand by me through this.. This is just so overwhelming I keep finding myself crying when no one else is around... I just want to be who I feel I am and be accepted as so, but worrying that I won't keeps me up every night...   

[Jamie D]

You are taking small positive steps.

Don't feel you have to jump into the deep end with both feet.

Do what is comfortable.  And no reason to feel like "the worst person."  You aren't

[xxRachelxx]

I just want to give you a hug


I think we all know what it's like to live inside our oweards. We I finally found my bf I became easier
For me to like who I truly be. I think it would be good to share with someone close to you
So you have someone to help you on a amazing and scarey experiencee
I hope your journey comes easy
And remember
You is kind you is smart you is important

[Miranda Catherine]

Hi Raina,
    First, how old are you and what country are you from? How tall are you and what kind of build do you have? Have you looked into seeing a gender therapist or an endocrinologist to help you start HRT? How long have you felt like you were really female inside and have you ever shown any of your inner thoughts to anyone you're close to now? It sounds like you haven't shown much, if anything, but that's okay. So many others have too and they transition fine. How close are you to your sister or any of your friends, and do you feel you can trust any of them? I think I'd definitely stop drinking and smoking altogether immediately and continue on your present course. The cessation of those habits will definitely be a large change that everyone will notice. If your sister and you are close and she's not some hardass who expects the same of you, I'd think of confiding in her. You're making great steps, much bigger than you may think. So stay with it, girl, you're in for a fantastic ride. In fact, I can just about guarantee it's going to be the ride of your life. It's nice to meet you. Mira

[Pia Bianca]

How can I tell everyone I'm nearly the opposite person of who I had them believing I was before these changes started?  Will they still accept me? Will they try and tell me I'm insane and need help in brainwashing myself into believing I'm a man? Or am I going to lose them as friends altogether as a result of this?

First of all I'm surprised how well you do. I know from personal experience how difficult your situation is.

I talked to some advisor a few weeks ago. She has had SRS too and advises people about it, so I think she knows. She told me that friends tend to accept changes very well, so don't fear for your friends. Only a small amount of them if any will leave you behind after transitioning.

That said, the most difficult part will probably be dealing with your parents and your siblings. I was told that speaking to my parents early on would be a good thing as for transitioning men the mothers have the most difficulties accepting the new situation.

[AMDERS]

You are taking small positive steps.

Don't feel you have to jump into the deep end with both feet.

Do what is comfortable.  And no reason to feel like "the worst person."  You aren't

I completely agree. I haven't come out to everybody I know yet, but have been taking baby steps in changing my appearence. No need to rush through things.

[Rainacorn]

Hi Raina,
    First, how old are you and what country are you from? How tall are you and what kind of build do you have? Have you looked into seeing a gender therapist or an endocrinologist to help you start HRT? How long have you felt like you were really female inside and have you ever shown any of your inner thoughts to anyone you're close to now? It sounds like you haven't shown much, if anything, but that's okay. So many others have too and they transition fine. How close are you to your sister or any of your friends, and do you feel you can trust any of them? I think I'd definitely stop drinking and smoking altogether immediately and continue on your present course. The cessation of those habits will definitely be a large change that everyone will notice. If your sister and you are close and she's not some hardass who expects the same of you, I'd think of confiding in her. You're making great steps, much bigger than you may think. So stay with it, girl, you're in for a fantastic ride. In fact, I can just about guarantee it's going to be the ride of your life. It's nice to meet you. Mira

I'm 21 and in the US, 5'8" 145lbs, kind of curvy but I have big arms, hands and feet.  I have considered finding a therapist or an endocrinologist, but I'm still working on finding the best place to go in the area as this really is not a good place for some one like me at all.  I've had the urge since early childhood but I suppressed it for as long as I could.  I came out last night to my sister, my roomate, and our one friends but all at different times.  The three of them all said they would support me and they love the "colorful me" a lot better than the old dark me.  My sister told of me how proud she was that I'm making an effort to accept myself and live again instead of wasting away and asked me a handful of questions about my intentions. It felt weird answering them because she asked if I would wear her clothes, put on makeup, ect.  I told her yes to all of them and spoke of the possibility of HRT to her. Her reply after consisted of "well we're going to need to give you a better nick name that's more fitting," and "If you decide to date some boys don't trust the older ones!" 

With all of this being said however, I now find myself terrified that my dirty little secret is out in the open.  I worry they may not accept as much as they say they will.  I feel more vulnerable now more than I ever have in my life.  I can't stop crying our of the fear of everyone knowing....  Part of me is saying it was a mistake to say anything. I just want to run away from here... I'm a complete mess....

[Joanna Dark]

That's a tough situation. But you did take a huge step forward and that takes a lot of courage. You should be super proud of yourself. I think if they say they accept you, you shoudl take them at their word. One my mom found out, there was a bunch of yelling, her calling me princess lol, and talk of getting kicked out. Now she accepts it. I think. I mean I didn't completely remove my eyeliner today and she didn't even mention it. Plus I am looking a lot more femme.

I woudl take this moment and run with it. Perhaps you should go to a gender clinic and start therapy and get the ball rolling now if you decide to start HRT. I really think that could help you a lot and I rarely tell people to see a therapist. But in this case I feel like it will help you move forward and since you have come this far, keep going farther. Really, there is no going back now.

[Miranda Catherine]

I'm 21 and in the US, 5'8" 145lbs, kind of curvy but I have big arms, hands and feet.  I have considered finding a therapist or an endocrinologist, but I'm still working on finding the best place to go in the area as this really is not a good place for some one like me at all.  I've had the urge since early childhood but I suppressed it for as long as I could.  I came out last night to my sister, my roomate, and our one friends but all at different times.  The three of them all said they would support me and they love the "colorful me" a lot better than the old dark me.  My sister told of me how proud she was that I'm making an effort to accept myself and live again instead of wasting away and asked me a handful of questions about my intentions. It felt weird answering them because she asked if I would wear her clothes, put on makeup, ect.  I told her yes to all of them and spoke of the possibility of HRT to her. Her reply after consisted of "well we're going to need to give you a better nick name that's more fitting," and "If you decide to date some boys don't trust the older ones!" 

With all of this being said however, I now find myself terrified that my dirty little secret is out in the open.  I worry they may not accept as much as they say they will.  I feel more vulnerable now more than I ever have in my life.  I can't stop crying our of the fear of everyone knowing....  Part of me is saying it was a mistake to say anything. I just want to run away from here... I'm a complete mess....

Raina, this is the best decision you've ever made! I'm sooo proud of you that my words are totally inadequate. I know it's frightening, but it was also liberating to a degree that anything else you've ever done to feel better about yourself pales in comparison, doesn't it?!?! I have no doubt that every girl on these threads at Susan's Place had that same fear as you, but we got through it. Your sister sounds awesome! Your friends were the right ones to tell too, I think. One thing I'd say to all of them, including sis, "Please, don't tell anyone what I've told you. I want to tell everyone in my time and on my terms." You're in a great position at being 21, and 5' 8" is great for a woman. You can wear any heels up to and including 4'' and believe me little sister, your hands aren't that big. I can't say about your feet, but I'm 5' 9", wear 4" heels and I ALWAYS pass. The younger you are, the better estrogen works too, and you're practically a kid. I'm really proud of you, (did I tell you that before?).
Raina, the fact that you're crying is a good thing, not bad. And this is not 'A DIRTY LITTLE SECRET.' You've done NOTHING wrong, and if you treat yourself as if you're bad, dirty or sick for being transgendered, other people might pick up on that and start feeling the same thing. You've liberated yourself, Raina, in ways you can't even yet imagine. I would go to the "Before and After" thread on this, the 'male to female transsexual talk' so you can see the beautiful, gradual (but not that gradual, lol!) and wonderful changes in other TS girls. Don't worry about dating now. First things first. Find a good endocrinologist and start HRT asap. You want the testosterone that courses through your body at this moment, stopped, so it won't do your body any more hard to fix changes, like new hair growth. You need to get on an anti-androgen and estradiol. Most of us use spironolactone for the anti-androgen, and there are a bunch of ways to use estrogens. I take shots, 15mg. of progynon depot every week, and 200 mg. of spiro daily. I use it for two reasons, for this, and it's a water pill for my blood pressure. If you want to PM me, I'll be happy to talk to you offline. Hugs and congratulations, Raina! You deserve both. Mira

[Rainacorn]

Well another 3 weeks have passed, and quite a lot has happened.  I really mean to post here more often as events occur but it's very hard for me to keep up while dealing with work, people, and my emotions.  Over the past 3 weeks I've began talking to a trans girl I met through one of my friends.  Funny enough she actually works in the store right next to mine at the mall.  She's given me a lot of insight on how she came to find herself and began her transition, along with where she goes for her appointments and therapy.  She also said she was willing to teach me make up and everything. I really hope I can find time to spend with her, there's undoubtedly no one around who could understand me as she will.
As for everything else, it seemed like it was going good until all my other friends moved back into school for the year last Saturday.  Sadly, some one that I told has let the cat out of the bag and many people have approached me about this.  Since then I began binge drinking again, and repetitively thinking about killing myself.  Tuesday night I was about to swallow a razor blade in the frat house bathroom but one of the girls I took there with me found me and took it.  The next night I begged everyone to never let me touch  alcohol again, and we spoke of my intentions with everything.  No one who has approached me has said anything bad yet, in fact they all said they want to help me but I really can't stand that no one could let me do this on my own time.. By them all finding out at once I've literally gone into shock, all I want is to escape from here...  I haven't slept in days, and I can't even eat.  Food has lost all appeal to me and even if I try to eat I get sick and throw up.. I really don't know what to do here.... I'm on wits end, all I can do is cry over and over and  I just wish it would stop...
To top off all this fun news I can't also stop worrying about my financial status, working as an associate on minimum wage at the mall really isn't going to cut it if I'm going to start HRT, I can barley afford my bills now and I rarely spend money on anything but.  Part of me thinks I may need to leave this town all together but I don't know where to go, nor how I would get by, I feel absolutely trapped here. 

[JoanneB]

I have a very big problem still of not being able to live in the moment. That is, I always what if, what next things things to death. (In part due to my occupational hazard of being an engineer) That trait has brought me many sleepness and tear filled nights wondering "Where will this all lead?" rather than reveling in "Hey! I finally feel great about being me"