*Update* Skye's Progress

[Keira]

So, I got my letter and its now in my chart. But my psych referred my doctor to consult with an endo in Vancouver...the great part is that I now have to wait another month because my doctor (Dr. A) is gone until September (what day I do not know). So another doctor -lets just call her doctor "M"-sent off my referral as my psych suggested...and apparently Dr M didn't read my psychs letter properly and I now have an appointment at the clinic in Vancouver for Oct...so now they have to sort that out...ugghhhhhh *pulls out hair*.

Dr M is not willing to prescribe me E despite the fact that my letter says several times that Skye suffers from suicidal ideations due to her gender dysphoria, and it is important that she is put on hrt asap.

Dr's only want to cover their own...they don't care if a patient is suffering or is very likely to commit suicide. I don't know how much more BS I can put up with...

-Skye

[Ltl89]

Skye,

I didn't fully grasp what occurred, but is it possible for you to take your letter to an endocrinoligist in your area.  If you have the proper documentation, you should be able to see a local endo.  Not everyone will see you, but someone should.  As for the wait, most endos are busy, so the waiting list is fairly common.

[Keira]

Instead of just sending off my psych letter to the endo in Vancouver, Dr M also decided to make an appointment with the Endo. My psych recommended that my Dr work in collaboration with the Endo, not send me over there for an appointment.

I honestly don't know how long I can wait anymore, I'll probably be dead before I get an appointment with a local Endo.

[Ltl89]

Let's stop with the dead talk.  You are young and have a whole future ahead of you.  Let's work on trying to get that future to appear.

Isn't it possible to just see a local endo without these other doctors?  Have you asked your pysch about this?  If possible, I would stop working with Dr. A and Dr. M as you don't seem happy with them.  If you can work with a local endo directly, that would be ideal.  Most of us do it this way, so it should be possible for you.  Yes, there are wait lists, but the point is you will get in. 

[Keira]

Yeah I really don't know what would be the best course of action...

A local endo probably wouldn't know anything about cross hormone replacement therapy.

Okay, I won't talk about my suicidal feelings at all anymore.

[Ltl89]

My endocrinologist does not work exclusively with trans patients.  We are a tiny portion of her patients.  Most endos are the same way.  I doubt that you won't be able to find any endo to work with.  Just look up people in your area and call.  I had to schedule my appointment and then have my doctor fax the hrt letter over.  I'm sure you could do the same.  Do you need a referral from your primary doctor?  I'm sure they would be willing to do that if you find an endo to work with.

I'm not asking you not to talk about your suicidal feelings.  That's something that shouldn't be kept to yourself.  I'm just asking you to realize that there are real solutions to your problems and death isn't one of them.  You can solve this and things can work out.

[Keira]

Where I live I only know of two or three trans people. I live in a very very small town, so far as I know I am the only mtf trans person in my town.

I'm just to the point where I don't care anymore, I've tried and gotten nothing out of all this. All I've gotten is more struggle and more insults from my parents. I don't think that my life is worth fighting for.

I'm fed up with waiting and fighting, and waiting and fighting. Repeat ad infinitum.

[jamielikesyou]

Get wait listed for services at Ravensong http://www.vch.ca/402/7678/?site_id=132 (my clinic), Three Bridges, http://www.vch.ca/402/7678/?site_id=161 or Catherine White-Holman Center http://www.cwhwc.com/ . Yes, it takes a while to get in but once you do, you will probably be fast tracked for services if you already have documentation, lab workups completed, etc. If nothing else, they offer specialized supports designed for trans clients. Best wishes, don't give up the fight yet. We're in a great city to transition in.

[Keira]

Get wait listed for services at Ravensong http://www.vch.ca/402/7678/?site_id=132 (my clinic), Three Bridges, http://www.vch.ca/402/7678/?site_id=161 or Catherine White-Holman Center http://www.cwhwc.com/ . Yes, it takes a while to get in but once you do, you will probably be fast tracked for services if you already have documentation, lab workups completed, etc. If nothing else, they offer specialized supports designed for trans clients. Best wishes, don't give up the fight yet. We're in a great city to transition in.

uh...I don't live in Vancouver...

[jamielikesyou]

Sorry, from your initial post it looked like you did, best of luck anyhow.

[Ltl89]

Even if you have to travel a little, you should find a doctor somewhere.  There are many trans people that live in isolated areas that are able to find treatment.  Have you tried reaching out to doctors around you or within 50 or so miles?  I'll wager there is someone, but you'll never know if you don't try.

In response to this

I'm just to the point where I don't care anymore, I've tried and gotten nothing out of all this. All I've gotten is more struggle and more insults from my parents. I don't think that my life is worth fighting for.

I'm fed up with waiting and fighting, and waiting and fighting. Repeat ad infinitum.

you have to figure out what to do.  If transitioning is what will make you happy, then there are ways to do it.  But you have to seek out those ways and make them happen.  Transitioning is far from easy, but it's worth it if it's right for you.  Unfortunately, waiting is part of it as nothing will happen overnight, even if we would like it to.  Life is worth fighting for.  But you have to actually fight for it and make your own luck sometimes.  It sucks, but that's the reality.  You can pick yourself up, but you will have to work for it.  No one else here had an easy time either.  We all have roadblocks and difficulties in our lives whether they be medical, financial, emotional, familial, or all of them combined (as was the case for me).  Everyone here has fought their battles to get where they are, and you can as well.  Please try to see this as a long term investment and not a quick fix because transitioning will never be an expedited process. 

[Keira]

Even if you have to travel a little, you should find a doctor somewhere.  There are many trans people that live in isolated areas that are able to find treatment.  Have you tried reaching out to doctors around you or within 50 or so miles?  I'll wager there is someone, but you'll never know if you don't try.

In response to this

you have to figure out what to do.  If transitioning is what will make you happy, then there are ways to do it.  But you have to seek out those ways and make them happen.  Transitioning is far from easy, but it's worth it if it's right for you.  Unfortunately, waiting is part of it as nothing will happen overnight, even if we would like it to.  Life is worth fighting for.  But you have to actually fight for it and make your own luck sometimes.  It sucks, but that's the reality.  You can pick yourself up, but you will have to work for it.  No one else here had an easy time either.  We all have roadblocks and difficulties in our lives whether they be medical, financial, emotional, familial, or all of them combined (as was the case for me).  Everyone here has fought their battles to get where they are, and you can as well.  Please try to see this as a long term investment and not a quick fix because transitioning will never be an expedited process.

We'll see what happens...if I don't post within the next two months (as I said before) in all likelihood I'm dead.

As it is, transitioning is not looking worthwhile. And if I can't be who I'm supposed to be, I don't want to live. It's as simple as that.

I just don't know how much more suffering I can take, as it is 99% of the time I physically feel horrible, in addition to the dysphoria.

I would check for Dr's nearby, but I don't want my parents to have to take me...it just creates more stress.

[Heather]

We'll see what happens...if I don't post within the next two months (as I said before) in all likelihood I'm dead.

Wow way to stay positive Skye! If you can't wait two months for hormones are you sure you really want them? Most of hrt is waiting so you better get used to it. Your not going to take these pills and all of sudden oh my life is completely fixed. All your problems you have now will be with you when you start hrt.

[Keira]

Wow way to stay positive Skye! If you can't wait two months for hormones are you sure you really want them? Most of hrt is waiting so you better get used to it. Your not going to take these pills and all of sudden oh my life is completely fixed. All your problems you have now will be with you when you start hrt.

Yeah I know I'll have to wait some more, that's why I'm getting sick of waiting to get on E. The longer it takes to get on E, the more of my time to develop is lost. After I get my E I have one less thing to worry about, then its pretty much all downhill from there on (albeit there will be bumps still).

I'm not stupid, I know it won't "magically fix everything".

[Ltl89]

Skye,

What would you like to happen?  As Heather said, transitioning is not a quick process.  If that is your thought process, you won't be happy with hormones either.  What are your expectations?  Getting on hormones is never easy, given the amount of doctors visits and blood work needed.  It won't happen without personal effort and hard work.  Transitioning will not be easy nor will anything be handed to you as it wasn't the case for anyone else.  It's a long process and a fight and inner drive is important.  If you are getting upset now, what about when you worry about passing, misgendering while part or full time, the long wait for hormones to start working, laser and all the other things that require hard work and an inner fight?  I totally understand not wanting to fight, but that's like signing up for a boxing match and hoping for your opponent to throw in the towel before the fight.  Transitioning won't work that way.

However, even though you don't see it, you do have the fight in you.  Please try to realize this.  You aren't as weak as you think.  All you have to do is call doctors and get an appointment.  It won't be as horrible as you are thinking.  It will likely go much more smoothly than your imagination allows.  Sure, you may need to call a couple and you may need to take a train, but it's possible and not that difficult.  Please Skye, you can make it through this, but only you can allow it to happen.  I'm wishing you well and hope you will do what's right for yourself instead of living in constant regret and sadness for not doing so. 

Please try for everyone Skye and most of all yourself.  Believe it or not, we are all cheering for you, but you are gong to have to do the same for yourself in order for you to get where you need to be.  I don't mean to come off as harsh; I just want you to progress and get better.  Please Skye. 

[Heather]

The longer it takes to get on E, the more of my time to develop is lost. After I get my E I have one less thing to worry about, then its pretty much all downhill from there on (albeit there will be bumps still).

Oh please! I'm 34 and I'm developing just fine. Considering I'm having a hard time passing as a man in just 8 months on this stuff. And I'm not even at the halfway point as far as changes go. :)And besides age is no guarantee that you will completely feminize that all comes down to genetics.   

[AmberSkyeArisen]

Where I live in AZ I would need to travel 3 hrs to see an endocrinologist. 1.5 years ago I started self medicating, and I finally (about 2 weeks ago) decided to make a therapist appointment for real to get a letter for HRT. I went to a therapy consultation 8 months ago. The therapist gave me a paper with the names and phone numbers of a bunch of doctors she knew in AZ that would prescribe hormones.

But they're all 3 hours away. And the only one in my city is a "maybe"... she wasn't sure. My car just died and costs more $ to fix than it's worth. So the 3 hrs away doctors are out of the question. We can only do so much with the resources available to us. I hope that my 1.5 years on hormones helps me, as maybe they'll be more comfortable and less likely to be afraid that i'm making a mistake and that i'd blame them. >.<

For the mods: No, i'm not giving dosages to anyone. No, I don't recommend self medicating. I'm simply being honest. I also don't think people should be pressured to not talk about their suicidal feelings, as it makes them feel like they can't talk about what's going on.

Skye-Blue, I encourage you to speak your mind and be honest with your feelings. You could always send me a PM, I have plenty of history with suicidal feelings.

You're definitely not the only one who's had the "I need hormones or i'm going to die" attitude. I had that thought pattern and I took my action a different way because I didn't even want to wait a few months to get a letter for HRT.