Depression for the First Time

[Allison]

To start this for my entire life I've been pretty content with things, yeah I've always had a strong distaste for who I am but I at the end of the day I was able to live with it. However ever since coming out I can't sleep at night, everything that goes in my life just weighs on my mind and I just have an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and a completely bleak outlook on the future.

I mean after coming out within 3 weeks I had manage to conquer the feelings because I was doing something for myself and had a plan and was excited and looking forward to the future but then I lost my job; and now I can't afford to see my gender therapist a week from now and I am just falling back into that spiral of hating everything about myself and I'm overwhelmed with these feelings for hopelessness and uncertainty and now I get to worry day by day about testosterone further ruining my body.

To top it all off I am always eccentric and happy; but not recently I'm just depressed and I hate it and hating it makes me feel even worse because there's nothing I can do help how I feel and it's just all so hard and I don't even know what to do. It just seems like the world exists to take a crap on me after kicking me to the ground and it's just all getting so old.

[SaveMeJeebus]

Ollo Allison. It saddens me to hear you're feeling blue as of late. To have lost your job its no wonder. I don't know what to say right now. Chin up =]

[Devlyn]

Big hug! Sorry you're having a rough spell, hon. You gotta keep going, even through the setbacks. And when the world kicks you, kick back! Hugs, Devlyn

[Allison]

I think I especially dislike it because the depression often sends me into uncontrollable fits of anger as well and I when I get mad you can tell was definitely a male... and I hate it even more. I just hate the job market so much right now, I need SOMETHING to work in my favor.

I mean it's just the uncertainty spiraling my dysphoria out of control and it's awful even if last night I felt pretty good enough things... When washed my face last night I saw an androgynous person and when I laid down I saw a girls body and at least things felt a little better.