Difference between "passing" and "blending" (experience in the ladies' room)

[Hypatia]

I have not passed well, usually. Early on I grew used to getting clocked immediately, on the street. Lately it's been getting somewhat better, I've been on HRT for over a year now.

But blending is another matter--and in my experience, the proof of this has been found among other women in the ladies' room. Your mileage may vary.

I've been using ladies' rooms for two years, and have never had the least problem. When I read the horror stories reported by other trans and gender-variant people, including masculine-looking GGs, I not only thank providence for my good fortune, I also try to understand how this is.

I think it's because in my behavior, manner, vibes, I blend well with other women. They accept my presence among them easily. It may or may not be passing, but it sure is blending. I make eye contact, smile, say hi-- I participate as an equal in the special bond that only women know. Passing or no passing, what matters is demonstrating my willingness and ability to belong in their private world. It just comes naturally because I am a woman.

Why am I, not an especially passable dame, able to blend so well, in a situation where blending is of crucial importance, when some GG women report bad problems there? Maybe just something about my vibes helps put women at ease? Whatever it is, I'm deeply happy and grateful so far. So many women have given me pleasant greetings in the ladies' room, wherever I go.

One night last summer about 2 AM, traveling through the ultraconservative fundamentalist heart of Tennessee, I needed to pull over and use a highway rest stop. I walked into the ladies' room and there met an African-American woman who had just finished and was on her way out. Did she get alarmed at being alone and seeing me there in the middle of the night? Not in the least. We smiled and said "hi how you doing" to one another in the most pleasant way. Eye contact is so important.

I may not pass well, but I definitely blend well. Has anyone else noticed the distinction between the two? I think passing is largely a matter of looks-- while blending is all about behavior, ethology, vibes. Not sure if I'm using the term "blending" the same as others use it, but this is the meaning I've figured out based on experience in the ladies' room.

[Keira]

Maybe you do pass well. We're all too hard on ourselves.
I bang my own head more often than the whole rest of humanity.

In the ladie's room, if you act somber, like men do, you attract more attention.
I've often struck up conversation after leaving the stalls and washing, putting back makeup, whatever.

If you act relaxed, people are relaxed, people feel tension in others.

[Hypatia]

That's true, Keira. I'm all relaxed and natural because I know I'm a woman and it's exactly where I belong.

But for the longest time I knew perfectly well I didn't pass because lots of people let me know that in various ways, including laughing out loud, calling me "he," stares, dirty looks, rude comments, etc. Nevertheless, somehow the failure to pass never disadvantaged me in the women's room at any time. This makes me think there's more to life than passing.

[LostInTime]

I think that most people just really do not care. A live and let live attitude. For women I find the ones that give me trouble are pretty ugly, bodily and in other ways. AFAIK, I have never been read in a restroom at all. I go in, do what has to be done, wash up, and exit. Where I live at that is the expectation although it is not uncommon for friends to chitchat.

I believe that the blending is part of the passing. If you do not do something to call extra attention to yourself, you are conforming, and give people less of a reason to cause agitation. IE I do not get all dolled up in my goth personae and then hit a country club (although I did walk through a hotel once on the way to a club, great reactions <G>). I often hear about one dressing "age appropriate" which is part of blending and passing.

Maybe you do pass well. We're all too hard on ourselves.

Yup, agree 100%. We are our own worst critics.