Relationship Trouble-- Related to T?

[Crow]

Let's start with a little background. Last spring, a lot of things happened all around the same time: I had emergency surgery (ovarian cyst complications/swollen appendix) with a convoluted recovery process, I switched to injectable T, I moved in with my girlfriend and her primary partner, and all three of us got new jobs. Unsurprisingly, this created a lot of changes in relationship dynamics, and most of them were less than ideal.

Fast forward about 3 months: This relationship has turned into a passive-aggressive war zone in which no one is happy. Last night, I found out from some other friends that my girlfriend's primary partner has been talking about what a jerk I've been, lately. My girlfriend keeps commenting that she doesn't like what injectable T has done to me, because I'm no longer her "cute little boy."

I don't feel like T has changed my personality. I'm more inclined to believe that the switch to injectable T (along with recovering from surgery and switching to a job where I wasn't being blatently discriminated against) has boosted my confidence and made me less dependant on the help and support I was getting from my girlfriend before. To me, this was a good thing-- I feel more grown up-- but it seems my girlfriend and her other partner have interpreted my new confidence and independance differently. If I'm not helpless and dependant, apparently I'm a jerk.

Has anyone else had similar experiences? How did you deal with it?

Part of me recognizes that my girlfriend and her partner are being unfair and illogical, but the other part of me is afraid that I'm doing something wrong or turning into a horrible person.

[spacerace]

Part of me recognizes that my girlfriend and her partner are being unfair and illogical, but the other part of me is afraid that I'm doing something wrong or turning into a horrible person.

You're not turning into a horrible person -  it is pseudo-puberty. You could just explain it to them in that way and maybe they will understand it better. Everyone knows how bad puberty is.  Then, you could tell her about how much more confident you feel and that you really like your changes since being on injections.

Maybe a powwow with the 3 of you is in order to get everything out in the open, and then you can work through it together. Your girlfriend likely wants you to be happy, but if she wants the boy instead of the man you are seeing yourself emerge as, it may be time to talk about what each of you expects from the relationship going forward.

[randomroads]

You're not alone with this. My husband isn't calling me a jerk, but my self confidence has risen dramatically and he's noticed. He makes comments on it and admits he's unsure what he's supposed to be doing for me. He's used to me being a depressed, overly emotional, clingy blob. It's been difficult for him to go with the flow on the shift, since it's been so dramatic. He tells me he's worried I don't need him, which is a good way for us to get closer by me shutting up and listening.

I can't give advice on your situation since I'm still struggling with my own, but I wanted you to know I understand what you're talking about.

[Kreuzfidel]

The reality is that none of us are there or have been there to witness your prior behaviour towards her and your behaviour (alleged or otherwise) towards her now. 

Without the privilege of knowing you and your situation personally, it's impossible to say.  I would be inclined to say that it has to do with your change in circumstances (judging from what you've said) as opposed to T.  It's very common for partners and others to blame alleged behaviour changes on T.

[BrotherBen]

Well, since all of this happened at once, what else changed when you moved in with them? Do they still get plenty of time to themselves? And are you communicating enough? Good, now communicate some more. You could try asking them to be more specific about your perceived behavior changes- being less "cute" and more of a "jerk" isn't really a whole lot of info to go on.

[thatboyfresh]

" My girlfriend keeps commenting that she doesn't like what inject-able T has done to me, because I'm no longer her "cute little boy."

This comment makes it seem that for her it is more of a psychical attraction issue. T is changing your body/features to be more manly and less like a pre-pubescent boy (which is what she is used to or has a preference for)  Unfortunately for that to be resolved you's have to stop taking it which I don't think you should do. In any relationship communication is key so be sure to have an open conversation with them both ( together and separately) to see where every one is at. This is all just IMO though I hope it works out for you!

[ChaoticTribe]

It sucks that you are having problems with your girlfriend. Hopefully things will turn out in a way that you are satisfied with.

Whether she likes what the injected testosterone is doing to you or not, she doesn't have ANY say in that whatsoever. Not only isn't it her body, her life, or her decision, she isn't even committing to you as her sole partner and it sounds like people are teaming up on you. Don't go into this aggressively, but be patient and firm.

Do not be unkind to anyone or do anything wrong to anyone and they will have absolutely no right to say anything about your actions. Perhaps it is time for you to reevaluate things- now that you're up front and center, living with all of these people, is this what you want? Obviously you don't want to upset your living situation too much, but if you're not getting what you want or need from this and it is causing you more problems, perhaps realize that these issues are not due to the testosterone, they are due to the way that people are acting and reacting.




It sounds 100% like the only thing that has changed is you are becoming more confident and independent. Everything you wrote looks like this is just you being mature and not doing anything but advancing on to take care of yourself and find what makes you happy. Nothing wrong with that!

[aleon515]

" My girlfriend keeps commenting that she doesn't like what inject-able T has done to me, because I'm no longer her "cute little boy."

This comment makes it seem that for her it is more of a psychical attraction issue. T is changing your body/features to be more manly and less like a pre-pubescent boy (which is what she is used to or has a preference for)  Unfortunately for that to be resolved you's have to stop taking it which I don't think you should do. In any relationship communication is key so be sure to have an open conversation with them both ( together and separately) to see where every one is at. This is all just IMO though I hope it works out for you!

I agree that it sounds like perhaps she is not really attracted to men. She might be attracted to sort of boyish looks in what she might perceive to be a female. But I suppose you need to talk about things. Not everyone is attracted to the same sort of people.

Also you may be gaining more self-confidence, perhaps your relationship isn't so healthy beign based on one person caring for the other in a more immature way? I mean I don't know but that's a possibility.


--Jay

[Crow]

Thanks guys.

I guess I should have been more clear. I think I was less looking for advice on how to fix the relationship (which is already pretty unsalvageable) and more hoping to figure out what went wrong and if it was actually my fault all along.

I think it's less an issue of attraction (like I said, we're poly and she has 2 other partners who are cis men) and more an issue of control. It's hard to tell when she blames me and my switch to injectable T for things, though, so I guess I was looking for a slightly less biased opinion.

[Taka]

some times it's not a matter of doing something wrong, but more like just being the person. it can take some time to get to know each other, and after a while you can suddenly find out that it doesn't actually work for you to be together that much. clashing personalities isn't all that fun, but you can't just change who you are, all of your preferences, dislikes, needs etc in order to make a relationship work. it's much better to find a person who matches you a little better.

and it really does take going through puberty and some more just to find out who you really are. t might be what made your true self so apparent that things wen't awry, that doesn't mean you did anything wrong. you made an honest try, and it turned out that you just don't fit together. what you can learn from this experience isn't so much what not to say or do, as what type of person you are, what you want from a relationship, what another person shouldn't expect from you.

the only way we can learn about ourselves is through interactions with other people. those of us who aren't lucky enough to find the right one on the first try, can only move on and try again. try to remember the signs you should have seen of things not being right, and don't ignore it if you see them again. you might be unlucky and have another relationship that goes wrong for other reasons, but... that's just a chance we'll have to take. trying and failing like most people have to do.

[Crow]

Thanks Taka. I think I really needed to hear that. It's been a stressful summer in relationship land and it was confusing to be losing confidence in my relationship abilities as fast as I was gaining confidence in the rest of my life. What you're saying makes a lot of sense.