Growing up not feeling like there is a place for me

[Rebecca Perez]

I would love to get some reactions to this feeling.

I didn't know I was intersex until last year.

All through my life I felt like I didn't belong. Sex, puberty, adolescence, none of that made a lot of sense to me. I didn't seem to fit in anywhere. Mind you--I am talking about an internal feeling, absent of bullying, teasing, rejection, etc.

Assume everything else is good. Loving family (no kids of course), a spouse who loves me, smart, educated, etc.

It was (is) weird. It feels like I am living on this planet, but I don't feel quite "right"

I am a DES child and I was talking to another DES child and she said she felt the same thing.

Anyone else have that sense?

[Northern Jane]

I spent the first 24 years of my life like that and being referred to as "it". With my parents trying to raise me as a boy, it wasn't until I took charge of my own life, changed my social gender, and started living as a girl that things got better.

[Jamie D]

Tara, do you have any idea how prevalent D.E.S. usage was in the 1950's??

I was born in the mid-50s.  My mother is now deceased, so I have no idea if she took D.E.S. when she was pregnant with me.

[madirocks]

Tara, yes. All of the time! But, I certainly think that has made me, personally, a much stronger person. But yes, there are still definitely times when I feel completely out of place, and desperately want someone to relate to.

[JLT1]

Yea, I know what you mean...  I think the strangest thing is watching a couple who are having a disagreement.  He says something, she believes she understands and answers, he believes he understands and answers.  In the end, neither really addresses what the other is saying because neither understands each other.  Yet, in this weird way, I understand both. 

My parents used to have me sit there with them when they had one of these nasty arguments.  I had to basically translate. Not good as a kid.... 

Men know there is something wrong, women know there is something wrong.  I've lived stuck in the middle, neither fully excluded but neither fully belonging.

[Rebecca Perez]

Tara, do you have any idea how prevalent D.E.S. usage was in the 1950's??

I was born in the mid-50s.  My mother is now deceased, so I have no idea if she took D.E.S. when she was pregnant with me.

DES, I believe, was introduced in the 50s to women who had had a miscarriage or there was a threat or history of bleeding (complications during birth). It was commonplace enough that the family doctor could prescribe it.

[curiousandconsideringit]

I have always considered myself to be "unlike" everyone else as well. I tend to click with very few other people in a certain way than the others. Sometimes it is lonely when it seems that 1 in every 100 people I meet seem to be the only people I can relate to. Then again there is something empowering to me that I am a unique person in most situations too!

[Jamie D]

DES, I believe, was introduced in the 50s to women who had had a miscarriage or there was a threat or history of bleeding (complications during birth). It was commonplace enough that the family doctor could prescribe it.

I was the product of a honeymoon conception.    I have no records of anything, other than a birth certificate.

[PrincessDayna]

I would love to get some reactions to this feeling.

I didn't know I was intersex until last year.

All through my life I felt like I didn't belong. Sex, puberty, adolescence, none of that made a lot of sense to me. I didn't seem to fit in anywhere. Mind you--I am talking about an internal feeling, absent of bullying, teasing, rejection, etc.

Assume everything else is good. Loving family (no kids of course), a spouse who loves me, smart, educated, etc.

It was (is) weird. It feels like I am living on this planet, but I don't feel quite "right"

I am a DES child and I was talking to another DES child and she said she felt the same thing.

Anyone else have that sense?

I know the feeling- well, did.  Untill HRT for estrogen I felt the same way!  And, actually, life seemed like a painting whenever I looked at it.  Now? evrything is just "right" no more brain cloud, or feeling like life is some movie in a land of painting where the cruel joke was on the "fag" for being so girly.  That was my childhood.  I got stoned once because i was so feminine in high school, i remember one particulair kid who ade it his mission to torment, harass, stone e from a pick up his friends would drive, and try beating e up untill the day i pulled an industrial sized screwdriver on his three times my size self and told him id shank him if he ever >-bleeped-<s with me again....

I never felt like life was "real" untill I started HRT three monthes ago.  Now I'm not just here, I am fully alive, and feel life if that makes any sence. deciding that no longer living male at all, was hat was "right", there is now no turning back, at all, in the least.  I hope you find that peace you aer looking for!  Its soooo totally possible!

~Dana

[Taka]

i have reason to believe that nothing is wrong with my perfectly female body (i do have a child, should be proof enough).

but the feeling of wrongness and not belonging has always been there, and whenever i think about it, the right form has just as often appeared to be hermaphroditic as male. it might seem a little weird for a kid to go cursing this harsh reality where they weren't born intersex, but... i actually think i did that some times.

to me it seems more natural to be both than only one. i wonder if that is something that would change with hrt, but i'm not so sure. they do say that a having known your true gender since childhood is a sign of being trans.

i should probably run away before one of those binary people comes along and tells me that i can't be both or in-between.