Still feel like a trans person after srs

[anjaq]

Jade, so true. I am also 10 years past the SRS and this night I had the worst body dysphoria in a long while. I dreamed I was having puberty in under a minute time. Like the f-ing "incredible hulk". And cried at my voice not being right, my face being changed by testosterone and all that. It totally sucked. I did not have much of that in a while but recently I am getting more of it again. I really like tha parts of my body where i made the changes that relieved dysphoria but then there are other parts that are the same and they still give me dysphoria. Not as bad as before but yeah, I feel like I could not really shake off the "trans" as much as I tried to. I dont see myself as a transwoman now - I am a woman, just like that, but I still have a trans past and some trans issues that bother me. Maybe disfigurements if you like...

[Gina_Z]

Post op must be wonderful, but not utopia. The past is always with us to a degree. I'm sorry to hear about your nightmares. Unsettling.

[Eva]

I hope nobody minds me bringing this back from the dead....

Im still pretty early on in transition but I feel like there is some pure gold here...

I am determined to see mine through and every little bit of forward progress just makes it clearer to me where I need to be and what must be done to get there....

I think that the HRT and the surgeries are WONDERFUL things and in my case after living (some might even say quite successfully) as a male for 44 years Im going to likely need all of them you can imagine to really feel whole.... I am unfortunately very impatient because I feel like time just goes faster and faster as I age and like Im fighting a battle against the inevitable evils of aging I need to remember everyone must eventually accept...

I am just getting started and what I found really helpful in this post was Kate G's and a few other comments... Im sure that all the surgeries and time on HRT will help eventually ease and hopefully completely eliminate my dysphoria...  Ive often wished I could just fast forward the next two years and get past all of the surgeries and recoveries and all the awkward inevitable moments Im going to have to endure...

Reading this from women who are already where I want to be is very empowering and priceless, pure gold for someone like me....

It is true that no matter where your at in all this that YOU create your own reality...

The way I think of it is.... "You become what you think about" 

Anyway I feel more certain than ever and right now Im just praying I can survive it all without complications and get on with really living my remaining years the way I should have all along 

THANKS

[PinkCloud]

I am glad for you raising the thread 

Some interesting things to read. At one point I have considered hypnosis to cure myself from all doubts and memories about being "male". Not sure if that would even work. I lived as boy and male for 30 years. It is something so ingrained, or burned into my head that it seems impossible to erase sometimes. Over time it gets better, but I still have issues in self-esteem, which can take massive blows when I am clocked again. This paranoia is something I definitely need to work on. I wonder if it ever will cease?

[jade]

I think we are non binary women. I do not really believe in the trans/cis seperation or division anymore.
The trans/transsexual/transgender terms were all found by cis people to categorise and label us. They never consulted us about what we would like to be identified as. Not even the DSM-5 uses the term transsexual any longer, the condition is "gender dysphoria" referring to the dysphoria of the individual relating to gender. Gender is a spectrum on a continuum, there are no clear boundaries, it is fluid and ambiguous.

[Zumbagirl]

You are a trans person, surgery didn't change any of that. Take your life experience, roll it up into a new person and then go live a happy life and stop worrying about things you can't change.

[and5678]

I'm 3.5 years post op now, and to be honest I still have dysphoric moments. I have all these crazy things going through my head thinking the worst thoughts possible. You need to realize that we are our worst critics though.

Looking in the mirror. You're a beautiful woman and have nothing to worry about.

[Eva]

Wow when I posted in this thread it was after about 6 months on HRT and a year into transition, at the time I had no real concern about being "read" I just assumed everyone knew I was trans and I didn't give a damn... In fact I went "fulltime" for 6 months before I even took HRT and in one week I started the name change, went on HRT, and did my first lazer session... Literally switched in the blink of an eye and never looked back... By 7 months I had lost 80lbs and had VFS with Haben then 3 months later FFS with Speigel... After this I was never miss gendered again but I was doing a LOT of 'dating' as a "->-bleeped-<-"... It wasn't until the first 3-4 men had made moves on me in the real world and put me in the position of having to "tell" and seeing their reactions that I realized I "passed", they were genuinely shocked and out of 3 one went for it anyway... So not having SRS made it pretty hard to tell myself "Im a woman" and believe it even though I was living the life "stealth"... I figured SRS would fix this and It was and remains the best thing I ever did for myself... I had very successful surgery with Suporn almost 2 years ago... At 3 months in I started having sex and by 6 months I was working as an independent "female" Escort... I never mentioned the trans ever and out of many men very fast only one questioned me and I denied it of course, he never brought it up again and became a regular, I had a lot of them who kept coming back... 

So after like 4 1/2 years now and having 'passing privilege' to the point I had many repeat regular clients and never questioned you would think all the dysphoria and doubts would be long gone??? Well it's not and while that was all very validating it was all an act, as in they were "tricks"... Yes the sex was usually nice and it sure beat dilating LOL but ask any professional, it's all business and there isn't much of a real connection... Im out of this business now and I've lived with my fiance for 1 1/2 years =) Yes he knows all of my past but the fact I remind myself of is he's never known me as anything but a woman =)  Yet in many ways it's my first real relationship with ANYONE as the real me, I for obvious reasons was never comfortable as a male with women... It's a real loving relationship as man and wife, the sex is incredible when it's accompanied by real love =)

So all good right??? Yes it's awesome to finally be DONE with surgeries, electro, and even dilation, here I am posting to my old self that just wanted to be here then... It all went better than I ever imagined it could and then some and yet in many ways I still feel like Im just getting started... I was recently having a bad day with body dysphoria and I thought to myself "how in hell did I do ALL that???" I was 44 when I started, a miserable "man" and after 1 year I was hanging with 25 year old women and their BF's and telling people I was 34 =) Yet the thing is it's becoming clearer that it's never over... Things I could live with before bother me now... When I first found my voice after VFS it was wonderful just to be able to talk on the phone without getting 'sir'ed", now while it works for me I still think it isn't right when I hear a very feminine voice... Just losing 80 lbs was huge at first and I could overlook my still very male frame just because it was SO nice just to be me =) Now while the HRT has been good to me there are days I can't look in the mirror, shoulders too broad (not really) breasts are fully developed but too far apart (many compliments on them from men)... One day Ill see a sexy woman and the next a "freak", Id love to get "body work" done but Im nearly 50 now and I really don't want to go through with all of that, I feel blessed to have made it through the surgeries I've had and Im afraid they might screw it up so I just try to live with myself now...

My man is crazy about me and he has no complaints so there's that and that is a huge help... While he knows my past it's never brought up... Again he's never known anyone but me just being me and he's never seen me as anything but a woman... All great really and it helps to remind myself of this when I feel down =)

I used to think "100% stealth" was the answer and for the most part it is to the point I have no friends or acquaintances left from the past or transition... I have no trans friends and I rarely ever post here or anywhere else about it and I never talk about it with anyone...  Im coming to the realization that no matter how successful the transition is the trans never goes away but it doe's seem easier now... Maybe if this post is still here in 4 more years I'll look back on it and update it....

[Katie]

Srs is often just one of the procedures a girl needs. Facial surgery, voice surgery, breast enhancement...... it's all part of the package for many. Srs does however represent a huge step and a new stage of transition/life.