Coming out too quickly?

[KabitTarah]

How do you stop from coming out of the closet too quickly. I have two problems working against me...

(1) My wife and mother know. Neither are very happy about it. My wife is now looking at going down the separation/divorce path. My wife and mother think people deserve to know why my wife and I are on the outs.

(2) I'm happier when people know and I don't have to hide anything.

The difficulty for me is that my wife's family will spread this far and wide if they find out anything about it. Far and wide will almost definitely affect work since one sister-in-law's boyfriend works in my building.

I'm just experimenting and exploring just yet... I'm nowhere near ready for this.

[Jamie D]

No one deserves to know anything about your private life.  Tell your mother it is none of her business and you expect her to respect your privacy.

She probably won't, but at least she is on notice.

Your wife, if she decides to separate, may very well make this painful for you.  Hopefully, she too will respect human decency.

You should probably plan on being outed.  Perhaps you can buy some time with couples therapy.

[bethany]

Hi Kabit, I don't think it is up to either your wife or mother to tell anyone why you might be going down the separation/devoice road, to me that is a private matter. It should be up to you who gets told that you are trans. If you transition people at work will find out soon enough; but for now they are in the need not know crowd..

Best of luck
*Hugs*

[Antonia J]

While it is your story to tell, and on the terms you would like to tell it, the unfortunate reality is the people we tell will tell others. Once out, it becomes really difficult to control. Having come out to my wife of 12 years in late February, and now less than 60 days away from divorce, I can tell you that it sucks and you just have to be strong through it.  The one thing I can tell you is that if you are worried about it, then go tell them yourself so at least you can control the messaging and what they hear and how they hear it.

My own coming out to everyone started with "Are they relevant to my transition?" If not, then I did not care what they heard or from whom. If so, then I came out pretty quickly, including to my wife's family. PM me, and I will share with you a letter I sent them, if you would like.

Be strong.

Toni

[KabitTarah]

Thanks. It does help - but it all feels out of my control.

My mother I'm not too worried about, at least... my wife - she's not talking right now... but we will talk again tomorrow, hopefully.

[Ltl89]

I will echo what others have said by agreeing with the fact that you can't close pandora's box.  Once it is out, it will remain out.  People often tell others and don't keep it to themselves.  Even friends who are very supportive have told others about my situation, although there was no malicious intent behind it.  My family is a whole other subject.  You have the right to keep it to yourself and come out at your own pace, but remember it doesn't always work that way. 

[KabitTarah]

Thanks for the advice. My mother has said she only has concern that my siblings are concerned over me and my marriage (since literally everyone in the family -- on both sides -- knows).

Those who know the truth can be trusted. My wife has only talked about it with those who do not communicate with others in our social groups (online friends and one close friend who can be trusted).

My big question now... how soon is too soon and what are the ramifications of the big family knowing? Mainly, how soon is too soon -- what happens when people know and you haven't even started HRT yet?

[Ltl89]

Thanks for the advice. My mother has said she only has concern that my siblings are concerned over me and my marriage (since literally everyone in the family -- on both sides -- knows).

Those who know the truth can be trusted. My wife has only talked about it with those who do not communicate with others in our social groups (online friends and one close friend who can be trusted).

My big question now... how soon is too soon and what are the ramifications of the big family knowing? Mainly, how soon is too soon -- what happens when people know and you haven't even started HRT yet?

It's a very individual thing.  Without knowing more, we couldn't really answer that question.  Only you can know the right time.  Personally, I have found most people want to know earlier, but it's up to when you feel comfortable telling everyone. 

[KabitTarah]

I guess what I'm asking is... how reasonable is it to ask them to keep quiet for a while *and* expect them to do so, knowing that yes - there is some risk.

I will need to tell all my siblings, siblings in-law, and their SOs. For the most part people are trustworthy... though there are a few that will have a tougher time keeping it quiet.


I do *want* people to know. I don't want everyone in the world knowing before I'm even on HRT.

[Ltl89]

I guess what I'm asking is... how reasonable is it to ask them to keep quiet for a while *and* expect them to do so, knowing that yes - there is some risk.

I will need to tell all my siblings, siblings in-law, and their SOs. For the most part people are trustworthy... though there are a few that will have a tougher time keeping it quiet.


I do *want* people to know. I don't want everyone in the world knowing before I'm even on HRT.

Again, I wish I had the answer, but I can't really say.  I don't know your family members and can't make an assessment as to whether they would respect your privacy.  As a rule of thumb, I would take a more cynical view and imagine that everyone may find out after you tell someone.  That way you can prepare for any fallout.  However, you may not have that problem.  Do you think the people you plan on telling will be able to keep a secret?  You are in the best position to know. 

[KabitTarah]

Thanks. It's something I have to consider.

Also, what is the best way? I'm writing a letter and I'd like everyone to get it at the same time. Is a family party good for this?

I am definitely thinking of coming out sooner than later. My wife is in desperate need of a support network and she usually turns to her family. For the most part they will only tell each other, and they *may* keep to the wishes for confidentiality that I'm expressing in the letter... but I am prepared for more.

On the plus side, I'm optimistic and upbeat about coming out. I really don't care who knows what at this point... I just don't want to damage my working relationships until I'm ready to go full time... if it does get out at work, I'll be able to handle it. I am strong willed and have a firm sense of self. I always have - I was just presenting the wrong self. In some ways, it will be a relief. Just because I'm able to hide what I am when it's important... I don't like to hide from people.


BTW... I'm new here (my therapist pointed me to Susans.org) but this is a really helpful and friendly community. Thank you for that!! I am all ->-bleeped-<-ted out.