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How long should I put up with coworkers messing up my pronouns?

Started by TiaNadiezja, August 11, 2013, 03:56:36 AM

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TiaNadiezja

So... I came out while I was living in California, so when I moved to Tacoma a year ago I was already out.  Before I even applied for my current job, I got a legal name change.  The people I work with have never known me as anyone but Tia, and I've been dressed in a gender-conforming way most days I've worked.

So, how long should I continue gentle reminders of proper gender pronouns before informing people that it's gotten past the point of impolite and entered offensive that they're still forgetting?
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Jamie D

Do you have an HR office there?  Washington State seems to be more in tune with that sort of issue.  I am a little surprised.
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TiaNadiezja

I work in a fairly low-pay field.  It's not... low-education, exactly, but it's certainly not high-education either.  About half of my coworkers get my pronouns right nearly all or all the time, but the other half mess them up quite regularly.  I don't think anyone is doing so deliberately, which in a lot of ways makes it hurt more.
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SaveMeJeebus

Quote from: TiaNadiezja on August 11, 2013, 03:56:36 AM
So... I came out while I was living in California, so when I moved to Tacoma a year ago I was already out.  Before I even applied for my current job, I got a legal name change.  The people I work with have never known me as anyone but Tia, and I've been dressed in a gender-conforming way most days I've worked.

So, how long should I continue gentle reminders of proper gender pronouns before informing people that it's gotten past the point of impolite and entered offensive that they're still forgetting?

If you are already feeling it has then it is time you take action. It blows to hear people are still forgetting, especially since you have always been known as Tia.
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suzifrommd

Quote from: TiaNadiezja on August 11, 2013, 03:56:36 AM
So, how long should I continue gentle reminders of proper gender pronouns before informing people that it's gotten past the point of impolite and entered offensive that they're still forgetting?

Go with your gut. If you think it's still honest mistakes or slips of the tongue, I suppose you can let it go. But the moment you suspect it's deliberate, it's time to take action.
Have you read my short story The Eve of Triumph?
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RachelH

I tend to give people a 3 strikes policy.  I'm polite with them the first 3 times then I tend to get more aggressive and correct them and won't let them carry on the conversation until they correct themselves.

I've not had a problem with pronouns at work, my co workers are extremely careful around me, if they knew me; and those that didn't know "him" I've have never had a problem with.

The point that you see them not making an effort you need to be firmer, and increase it until they see that they are been upsetting to you.
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aleon515

Last year, I changed my name at work to a gender neutral name and was not really out, but I found there were only two people who consistently did not bother with my name. It was SO consistently that it seemed rather intentional to me. I finally called both of them on it. One of them immediately started working on it and the other never did. So I decided not to address her unless I absolutely had to. It wasn't too hard as she wasn't very nice anyway. So you might see if you can figure out who is doing this and how much and so on. I like the three strikes policy.

--Jay
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Lesley_Roberta

I think it is best to go case by case.

If you arrive as Tia and you present as what you present and you TELL them the proper manner of address, and they can't get it right at all, I say have at em.

No I am not saying be overtly reactionary, but, dang it, this is no small matter with us.

If I was presenting as female and had a female name, and was getting responded to as mr sir and him, I'd start calling them ->-bleeped-<-, loser, whatever came to mind as being equally unacceptable. If they didn't like it I'd tell them it's how little that you like it.
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mrs izzy

For me i use the Excuse me and let them think about things. Its kinda a forceful polite way to make them see there flaws.

Good luck

Izz
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Kristen Roxx

It seems my friends took to it alot easier than co- workers. Although it hasnt been that long so Im tryng to be patient. BTW I'm in Tacoma too!
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Oriah

If it bothers you, I'd say correct everyone, everytime.  Gently, and not rudely, just correct them.
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TiaNadiezja

Quote from: Oriah on August 11, 2013, 04:22:19 PM
If it bothers you, I'd say correct everyone, everytime.  Gently, and not rudely, just correct them.
I've been doing gentle reminders.  They don't seem to take with everyone.
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My Destructoid blog, with my writings about pop culture and gaming.

My fanfiction work.
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Cindy

One way that worked, (and I won't mention the one I used against one particular guy ( :laugh:)), was to tell a few of the woman who respected me and used the correct pronouns of how upset it makes you feel.

They then go in to bat for you. When you have allies it can change pretty quick!
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LordKAT

That is basically what I did. It goes so much faster and better when when you have allies.
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Taka

allying with friendly women is often the easiest way to correct other people. let someone else tell them how horrible they are.

another thing to do when they address you as mr or sir is to blink confusedly at them and ask "excuse me?". just like someone here mentioned. it's a way of telling them they're making a mistake without calling them out on it, and giving them a chance to correct themselves without things getting embarrassing to anyone. take note of who still persists in making mistakes, those are the ones to look out for.

ignoring people when they use the wrong form of address is something i've done a few times. if someone really wants to talk to me, the least they can do is getting this right. unless they actually forgot my name or made a funny slip, like when a superior once called me her husband's name (our names are pronounced very similarly). i have many times successfully just rose an eyebrow at a person addressing someone or something or whatever in the wrong way, they always correct themselves or admit they just forgot what it/they was supposed to be called when i silently refuse to let them make the mistake.


if someone insists on doing it wrong, the next step i'd take would be to misgender the other person on purpose (without changing the level of respect i talk to them with. just a casual misgendering), to point out what they're doing to me without really pointing it out at all. i haven't had the chance to try that with anyone, but it would be funny if they started making a fuss about it, and i then explained that i thought we'd switched the gendering since they insist on calling me the opposite of what i am. i like to use upside down logic and asking weird questions. on a bad day i'd probably be mean enough to ask another person who they are talking about, but with these solutions you'd have to be prepared for some conflict. i'm not really recommending them for people who wish to have a peaceful life.

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MaryXYX

I was working in an almost men only job when I transitioned.  I'm a software engineer, so anyone working with me would be well educated.  When I transitioned there was only one person who misgendered me.  Unfortunately that was the lead programmer in my team.  If you are in the morning stand-up meeting with six people there's no way you can say you can't see the other person.  After the second time he looked at me and called me John I spoke privately to the team leader.  He said he had noticed, so I left it there.  The third time I was waiting for it, and as soon as he said "John" I interrupted with "Do I still look like John?" so he had to apologise or look like an idiot.  I'm not sure but I think the team leader might have had a word with him and pointed out that continuing would lead very quickly to disciplinary action.  Our HR people were quite keen to be seen as anti-discriminatory.  After that no problems at all.

I did get several cases of friends outside the workplace slipping up, but they were obviously mistakes and they apologised without me asking.

Not workplace, but my divorce lawyer is usually quite careful about it.  This week she was away and a colleague emailed me a letter she had drafted to my ex's lawyer.  It was full of "he" and "him" so I replied that I found it offensive.  I'm waiting to see what happens with this one!
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