Advice?

[Carter]

I figured that I'd make use of this forum and get some things off my chest, if anyone has any advice or words of wisdom to offer I'd greatly appreciate it 

I've been flipping between thinking I'm ftm, cis female, and something in between for a very long time, and it's really been stressing me out. I get really sad over really stupid things a lot lately. This afternoon I was listening to a song by a male singer that I really admire, and I caught myself thinking "Man, I wish I could be like him", probably because he has an amazing voice, an amazing body, everything that I can't attain without transitioning and losing my feminine side.

I figure the normal answer would just be "Then don't transition" but that really leaves a bad taste in my mouth too. I want a masculine shape and voice most of the time, but just when I think "maybe I really should do it" I realize that I can't really have the male traits that I want and keep my feminine traits too. I dig dresses on occasion. Like once in a blue moon but i still dig 'em. I like my long hair, kind of. My voice is kind of ehh.

I just worry intensely that I'll transition and not be happy with my body, and then be stuck with it. I'm very indecisive. I've also realized how difficult it might be to find someone who accepts all of...this. Including what comes next since, eh.

I've always wanted my own children, and I've heard that T can make you infertile, which I really, really want to avoid. I would be crushed. I've also heard FTMs say that FTMs who get pregnant give the rest of them a bad name, which really does sting. I figure since I'm not really FTM, and more somewhere around androgynous leaning heavily male, it doesn't really apply, but still.

My parents also just barely tolerate the LGBT community, and I feel like telling them that I'm not male OR female would really test their limits. They might react better if I just said I was a guy.

While writing this I got kind of confused and skipped back and forth between paragraphs, so if everything seems rather disjointed I'm very sorry  But anything anyone has to offer would be greatly appreciated.

[ativan]

It can be overwhelming.
But the things you're concerned about are pretty common here.
I suggest looking through the topics here, and look back on past pages, too.
You'll see them at the bottom of the topics page here.
The wiki was brought back to my attention just a bit ago. Also a good place to look around.
Hopefully, you'll find answers to questions you have and questions you haven't thought of yet.

Hang around and don't be shy about asking about things.
You're in the right place to find some answers.
Ativan

[Taka]

story of my life, apart form that about fearing infertility. i already have a child, so i don't need that function any more.
it's really interesting to see how i suddenly switched form never wanting to do anything that might render me infertile to suddenly not caring about it at all. or actually, it's probably more like i just want to get rid of that function for good.

i can recommend having a child, if you think you're ready for the responsibility. i don't recommend having one with the cutest guy you can find, just to find out that you didn't match at all only after it's too late. i must have been crazy, like most teens are (i was 19 when i had her).

it should be possible to get an ambiguous voice with some training, just enough that you won't automatically be taken for a girl. there's no need to medically transition if you don't need it to feel ok with your body or if you want to save it for one of the most amazing experiences a woman can have. for, i have realized it was a way to get done with womanhood, not in a way that i now can finally transition, but that i actually don't have any more things that i need a female body for. any other experiences a woman can have can be had in any body so long as you're a woman in the moment you experience it.

i still don't feel like doing a full transition, i don't think i'd feel too comfortable being a man for the rest of my life. but i know that whenever i get the chance, i will try to make a few smaller changes, maybe they'll be bigger than i'm thinking of right now. and i'll be ok with it. i can lose a little of one side without any regret.

being non-binary is something of a compromise with one's self. pick and choose, try matching things in different ways, make decisions about doing or not doing, or just putting off something for later because something else is more important right now. luckily they've started to recognize that gender has nothing to do with whether or not one has given birth, so if you live in the right place, that shouldn't hinder you from getting hormone treatment at a later time.

i was lucky enough to not have realized how bad i was doing with my gender identity before a while after i had my daughter. i never had to make any choice about whether or not to jeopardize my fertility by taking opposite sex hormones. though now i have problems finding someone willing to help me with that (i don't live in the best country for non-binary people).

[Lo]

You might try things that don't result in permanent changes to see how you like it, like binding, cutting your hair, going out in men's clothes every once in a while. (This has the added benefit that you can technically do this without your parents knowing... well, except for the hair part.) I bind a few times week, which is good enough for me, and wear non-compression sports bras the rest of the time. (The uniboob look is wearing on me! :O) I'm glad it is though, because I don't want to ruin my breast tissue in the long run; I still like my boobs sometimes, and I get to "put them on" for sex.

Anyways, you don't have to be one or the other, too. You could be bigender, you could be genderqueer, genderfluid... there are all sorts of identities outside of MtF/FtM/cis. And nobody said you had to only have one gender to begin with.