Being outed by someone who means well. Really.

[hazelnut]

I'll try to write this without leaving identifying details but I simply have no clue how to do that. I guess I just hope my boss doesn't read trans forums.

I work for a small programming company. My boss is also the owner. He's a very good, worldly person and I normally like him quite a lot.

Originally I only came out to friends or people who would support me in transitioning from male to female. Basically I'm still at that awkward stage where I don't know how to tell people what my chosen name is or what pronouns to use or anything like that. I sometimes unknowingly sign my emails w/ the new name without explaining that "yes, I would like it if you called me that", etc, and my good friends will then ask explicitly, bless them. Basically so early in transition that I don't know how to explain this to your average cisgender person who hasn't done the trans 101 thing.

I have been kinda distant lately so I told my boss about it. Wanted him to know what was up-why I'm not totally there. He reacted so well, I cannot tell you. I was so at peace and feeling like I might be able to pull this off. Not long after though, he went and told the rest of the company without consulting me.

His intentions were good. He was just trying to help me out. But when he came back and told me, and told me about the positive reactions I never got to see, I was simply sick to my stomach.

I've been feeling horrible ever since. I've felt pretty suicidal on some days, tempted to check myself into a hospital. I haven't gone back to work yet. I told him how I felt. I think he feels pretty bad about this. But I can't seem to get over it. I can't come around to the idea of facing my coworkers who now know.

Apparently people are positive, accepting, happy, and whatever. But I didn't get to see it. I'm also scared that, because of how my boss is and how everyone respects him, they would stretch their reactions into the land of positivity for his sake.

At this stage in transition I wasn't prepared for everything to get so real. I still needed time to learn about my female self and how to be me. now I don't know what name to use at work. I don't really know anything.

I want to live in a cave. Or just slowly disappear.

[Ltl89]

First, welcome to Susan's.

Secondly, take a deep breath and try to relax.  It sucks to be outed even when people do it without malevolent intentions.  I've gone through it and continue to.  I learn about another person who knows without my telling and it makes me feel a little awkward.  However, life moves on.  Your coworkers took it well.  It's fine to feel awkward after coming out, but it's much easier when you have a positive atmosphere to exist in.  Take comfort in that and learn how to move beyond your embarrassment.  It sounds tough, but you will get there.  Believe me on that. 

[Zumbagirl]

I am assuming by your post that you are not living full time yet. Let me just say this, I could only wish and dream that I had a boss that nice to work for. When I came out in 2001 I was fired the next day (job eliminated).

I agree that being outed hurts. In all my years it only happened once and that was at the first job I had when I was a newly minted full timer. My new boss knew of my transition because I had to tell him and inadvertently at a company function he told his boss. I was so hurt I was speechless. I don't think I spoke to anyone else the rest of the night. So I guess I can understand. But I still had to show up for work the next day and make a living. Now all these years later it just doesn't matter to me anymore.

The only way this could be a negative to your psyche is if you don't know yet whether or not living full time will be for you. In that case revealing it might be something you don't want anyone to know.

You will need to grow a thick skin only because some people are going to mess up on pronouns or slip up and use your old name. It's going to happen no matter how accommodating people are. I found it took a pretty fair number of years before the old name goes away. Now I am unaffected by hearing my old name.

Hope that helps!!

[Lajs]

I say you should make the most of the situation, even if it isn't what you wanted or planned. Be bold. Use that new name and embrace your new situation! Because what's the point in forestalling now? You've been given an opportunity to launch yourself a bit closer to where you want to be. Even if you didn't feel ready, you can't change what has happened - all you can do is use it to your advantage. None of us would ever get anywhere if we didn't push ourselves out of our comfort zones. : )

And remember, it could have been worse - your boss could have taken it badly or expressed it to your co-workers in a negative light. All things considered, it's a positive, if unexpected, thing so far.

So have strength. Be the person you are. I hope they're just as supportive as your boss reports them to be - and if they're not, then at least your boss is on your side to defend you, right? Even if it doesn't go as you'd want it to, it can't go 100% wrong now.

I really do hope things work out well for you. And best of luck.

[Murbella]

It sucks but I think this is just the general state of being trans and having anyone other than yourself knowing.  Once the cat is out of the bag you are pretty much stuck with some seepage of information from those who know.  I suppose you could make sure that your wishes known on how and when others are allowed to pass on the info, but it sounds like you have already have lost that level of control at your workplace.  I guess this is the point where you start having to generate a thick skin and be able to affirm your choice to others which in turn will help you solidify your path internally. 

I feel for you but can't even conceptualize the level of awkwardness you are going through as I've really only came out to my wife at this point.  She of course has recruited her best friend and her sister as support without telling me they know until after.  It's not that I'm worried about what they will think, but the knowledge that you've lost control of a secret you've held for so long is rather disturbing.

I wish you the best of luck in working through that awkward stage as I know I will be approaching it myself sometime down the road.

[Rachel]

Welcome to Susan's

My Boss, HR, Compensation and Ops manager were accepting. I promised HR and My Boss I would not tell another work person for 1 year. They need time to understand the legal and policy ramifications. BS. I offered the Legal team at Mazzoni and William Way to help ( they refused and I think got brown stains in their panties). I was told when I came out it had to be done very well, world class. What that means I can only imagine.

I do not know if I will change my name, dress fem or andro and use make-up, I would like to. My hair will be long and I may sport nice ear rings ( ones I purchased for my Mom in 1993). I will come out and educate about trans*. My narrative is mine, not theirs and I may include one or two segments for context but not depth ( I would fall apart ). I would disclose today, if I could.

The moments after I will be another person in their minds. Some will reject, tolerate, accept and welcome. I love the team I work with. 1/2 are African American and 10% Asian and 10% Hispanic with 30% white non-Hispanic. Many of the team are religious and not too LGBT accepting. I work with then and try but their thoughts go deep.   I am sick thinking of this moment. My therapist will be with me and my past professional coach. I will be not be alone.

I honestly respect my boss and think the world of him. If he outed me (he would not, we discussed it, unless I asked and I might) I would alter my plan but I would proceed. I would in one level owe him a debt of service for it would make my path a little less steep and rocky. I would see their faces either way.

Your boss did what he thought was in your best interest. Now he knows, at your expense. I feel for your pain, Hugs.

[Athena]

Take it 1 step at a time. Talk to each coworker separately and let each victory lead you to the next challenge

[hazelnut]

I appreciate all the varied perspectives here.

I've calmed down a bit this evening. I've been able to avoid people mostly because I'm able to work from home (not that I can concentrate on work or anything), but there are meetings tomorrow that I can't get out of so..... I'll just grin and bear it.

Right now my number one concern isn't so much people getting my pronouns wrong. It's figuring out what pronouns and name I even want them to use. I was planning on a wider disclosure a number of months from now, as I became more settled in myself and more used to relating to safe people. Not that I wouldn't be happy for people to use language congruent w/ my gender identity, don't get me wrong. And I think right now, even though I wasn't really ready, that's still the least-bad option. So I'm going to think for a few more days and then figure out how to communicate it to the world at large.

Could be worse. The loss of control was shocking, and I trusted him not to do this. I know he's not bad though. I'm angry, but he's not bad. It was just a major shock. Couple that with my social anxiety which hurts me at the best of times and..... blah.

Sensing all-nighters in my future as I try to catch up on my work.

You are good people. I will probably post again.

[Taka]

it's probably your social anxiety that plays in most here. sounds a lot like myself when i'm terrified of something that isn't really dangerous at all.

if it's too scary, you could try to ask your boss to meet you outside work and follow you inside. it might help to be followed by the one person you know for yourself is positive, even if you suspect that some people might pretend to be ok with it just because of your boss.

well, just a thought.