Hello there people,
Since this is my first ever post here in this forum, I could give you a little introduction.
So, I am 19 years old, graduated high school this year, unemployed, trying to earn online, I didn't want to go to any university because I'm pre-everything, and because where I live, LGBT people are discriminated and called "freaks, go die etc." perhaps because a lot of people have those thoughts from soviet times, I would like to study further when I'd fully transitioned.
I identify as a heterosexual guy, I haven't had any relationships at all, I didn't come out as lesbian because I am not one.
I live in the middle Baltic country (please don't write it's name if you want to post, I'm super stealth and I've google searched many times about trans stuff in my small country especially about ftms but there 0 results and I don't want any kinda local attention (sorry might sound stupid)).
I knew that I was trans from age 4, I'm serious, always hated girl stuff, I wear boyish clothes, pre-puberty I hang out with local boys and did boyish stuff, play sports etc., my intention was to graduate, come out at prom day to closest family members and leave all the contacts I had from school and disappear from their eyes forever and when I would fully transition, move to another country.
I live in my parent's home, and sure as hell don't want to be kicked out because I'm not financially dependent yet.
I have tried to come out to my mum and 1 year younger brother who is like my best friend, we do the same stuff, play the same games, when we are playing same game together and with his online friends, he always addresses me as HE, I lie to people that I don't have a microphone (
) (yes I have no friends outside the family), not that friendly with my elder brother who is 2 years older than me, my family isn't religious at all, most of us are either atheist or agnostic.
My first attempt - 20-something June 2013, dressing for the prom where I said to my mum that this will be the f***ing last time when I'll wear a f***ing dress...and trying to come out, I said that this is not my body, I don't feel comfortable in it, (and I have still long hair and I'll get a haircut probably this week) I asked her if she had any idea why I would like to get my hair cut, she said that she has no idea, I kept asking that same question 10 more times but I was so nervous that I didn't mention the reason myself or any terms like male, female, transsexual, etc. And her reply was f***ing hilarious..."that kinda stuff say only creative and rich people." I'm like wtf.? And then she left and I got dressed into that f***ing dress, when done, I asked my 1 year younger brother with these exact words (yes we speak mostly in English
) "Hey, do you see me as a guy or a girl?", then somebody else came in the room and he said "there's no time for that". I blew it twice...And I HAVE to start transitioning because, I can't take anymore, I hate my breasts ever since they started developing and I am extremely bottom dysphoric, sometimes I "joke" to my family about suicide, I don't want to die but I also don't want to live, I WANT to transition ASAP. I'm desperate, help me, my heart is already beating more than normal while writing this long ass post because it took me 5 months to get the courage and ask for coming out tips.
Sorry for making this topic so long and I apologize for my bad English.
