Why Suicidal Thoughts?

[JLT1]

Fine – we are trans – I admit that.  We have problems that are unique because of being trans and I accept that is part of the territory.  We also have more or less the same problems that everyone else has because we are human.

So what's up with the suicidal thoughts?  I thought about suicide when I was 19 and my entire life went  south over two days:  lost my scholarship, got kicked out of college, disowned by both parents, lost my job, lost my fiancee and I couldn't even afford to eat.  In two days.  Yep, I thought about it.  And decided that wasn't me.

I came back from that.  Then, 13 years ago I went though a time that was truly horrific.  Nothing about the challenges of being trans realistically compares with that time.  It isn't even close.  And suicide wasn't even an option.  I got trough that.

Now?  Great job, money is good, great wife, family and extended family love me.  And I'm trans.  And, no one really seems to be having a big problem with it except for my wife, who goes a little weird every now and then but she always comes back.  I know that.  And yet, I really struggle not to end it all sometimes.  It's like that is option #3 on the list of options. Even minor things throw everything out of whack.  Take that nice car the job afforded me and see if I can really hit 184 mph – right before I plow it into a cement pillar.  (That way my insurance still has to pay my family.)

This isn't part of my physic and I don't think it is part of other peoples as well but here we are, thinking about the unthinkable. 

What is up with that and how can we stop it??

[Athena]

Every one has a breaking point, some can endure more then others. It makes absolute sense that there are many people going through transitioning that are feeling like life isn't worth living. There is nothing wrong with these people we just need to be there for them to lend strength when life gets to be too much for them.

[Beth Andrea]

Every one has a breaking point, some can endure more then others. It makes absolute sense that there are many people going through transitioning that are feeling like life isn't worth living. There is nothing wrong with these people we just need to be there for them to lend strength when life gets to be too much for them.

+1

A lot better than my rambling essay.

[mrs izzy]

I think it comes down to acceptance.

With out seeing anyway of being accepted as a person who we feel inside. This we are bringing the fear forward everyday.

Fear brings the un-known, in turn brings despair.

We as humans are a product of family and live for family. Thoughts of loosing family brings fear.

To keep the thoughts away you need to break the fear.

Nothing in life is easy, either cis gender or transgender.

Izzy

[spacecase0]

for me it was that I was raised to hate people like me,
it took me a long time to figure out what was going on,
and even longer to fix it.

now I am just trying to deal with the idea of never fitting in.
not easy things to deal with, it is just your brain looking for solutions,
but it possible to deal with it other ways, just have to look a bit harder.

[Taka]

i think it's on a slightly deeper level, an existential problem. if you act a role and fail, it's not that difficult to review your mistakes, make some changes, and try again. that person isn't really you, the mask is a way of protecting your core. for transsexuals, that mask is often very close to something like an opposite of what they are, and transition is a process where almost the entire mask is teared off in stages.

revealing yourself, the person you are, and not entering another role, is scary. never getting any validation, always hearing that the mask was better, what will that do to a person? it's not difficult to imagine it will give a feeling that your own existence in an eyesore, the world would be better off without you.

do you put on the mask again and pretend that everything is ok, act the role of someone who never really existed, for the rest of your life? that solution isn't really available any more in the long run, for someone who has recognized their true self and started to get to know that person hidden deep inside.

then do you struggle to exist as the person you really are in a world that prefers the act? "i'm just trying to exist, they're telling me not to." no wonder if you get scared when that happens, your self-esteem hides under a rock and refuses to show itself, the thought of existing no more becomes so appealing.


all people wear a mask of some sort, but the closer the mask is to one's true self, the stronger one is against the world if the mask happens to fall off. they'll see almost the same person, and that's much easier to acknowledge than something completely different. and having all those validations of a person who is nearly identical to your true self makes it less scary to share a few secrets, because not having one percent or two of your person accepted is nowhere near as hard as having over half of it rejected.

[Ltl89]

As someone who is going through these thoughts myself, I don't think there is an answer.  Personally, I think it is irrational to consider suicide, yet here I am. It's not something that can always be understood.  Stress is hard to deal with and having no solutions can leave one feeling hopeless.  Without a solution to a continuous struggle, it's not shocking we go to such extreme thoughts.  It's easy to say we will always find the answer, but no one can truly predict if that's the case.  All I can suggest is to soldier on and try to find the answer to your problems.  It's worked before in the past, so why not now?  I know the same can be applied in my life and that's what is leading me through my current lifestyle.  I'm not much of one for faith in general, but sometimes it's good to have faith in something- even if it's a small thing like a dream. 

[Lesley_Roberta]

I would tend to worry about a person more, if they denied they had thought about it, if they were in a life where it made sense to think they had.

Yes I have thought about it, and I have thought about it a lot. And the first time, was a long time ago too (well mid 90s is a long time ago to me).

I stared at the river in town from a bridge one night for about an hour and then walked away. I have told people, I stared at death and in the end I gave him the finger.

But, it always comes down to how trapped do you feel?

And the truth is, until I feel actually genuinely trapped and with no one at all, it just isn't going to happen.

Hey we all feel pain, and when you are in pain you rarely think coherently. The trick is to make sure you are not alone. If you have no one, GET OUT THERE AND GET SOMEONE. That by the way is one of my many reasons I don't support stealth. Better to lose everyone but one person, because that one person will probably be enough to make sure you don't talk yourself into thinking there is no one at all.

I would never have guessed I would have been accepted by the people that have done so in the way they have done so.
If I had said nothing, I'd also not know anything about them either. I'd sure feel like I was alone, even though I am not eh.

[KabitTarah]

I would tend to worry about a person more, if they denied they had thought about it, if they were in a life where it made sense to think they had.

I suppose just being trans wouldn't be enough? I'm a (cynical) optimist and have never thought about suicide... at least not seriously enough to remember it.

I really feel for those who do. I think it comes from feeling you have no good choices open to you and trans* people have more of that problem than others.

[Cindy Stephens]

As an older trans, I remember when newspaper didn't even speak of it.  Except maybe the National Inquirer.  I spent years with depression and the odd suicidal ideation.  It always stuck me that no matter what I did, discover the cure for cancer, devote myself to helping lepers, etc. I was still a third class citizen subject to ridicule, and in those days, physical assault.  I wanted children, but realized that in any divorce I would lose all rights except to pay.  Why wouldn't you be stressed?  Stress then leads to loss of vital brain chemicals, and that leads to depression with the feeling that suicide is the only way out.  I am married now to a great woman who loves me for who I am, not in spite of it.  Have a well paying job.  I have hair below my shoulders.  But at work I still have to butch it up even though most have an idea that I'm not like the others.  The depression is rare and fleeting now.  But I know (without being too full of myself) that the world is a little less bright, and I am a little less satisfied because of their rules.  The one thing that kept me going was that if I had succeeded at killing myself, then it meant that the bastards won.

[Athena]

In the end many will consider suicide and far too many will wind up succeeding all we can do is try to be there to catch them before they fall.

At least when they post a suicide note or a goodbye people have a chance to get help to them before they succeed. Take the Youtube lady (her name escapes me right now) she posted her goodbye video and that gave people a chance to get to her in time, that was a victory.
We can't stop people from wanting to kill themselves we can only be here to help them through those times.

[Natkat]

Fine – we are trans – I admit that.  We have problems that are unique because of being trans and I accept that is part of the territory.  We also have more or less the same problems that everyone else has because we are human.

So what's up with the suicidal thoughts?  I thought about suicide when I was 19 and my entire life went  south over two days:  lost my scholarship, got kicked out of college, disowned by both parents, lost my job, lost my fiancee and I couldn't even afford to eat.  In two days.  Yep, I thought about it.  And decided that wasn't me.

I came back from that.  Then, 13 years ago I went though a time that was truly horrific.  Nothing about the challenges of being trans realistically compares with that time.  It isn't even close.  And suicide wasn't even an option.  I got trough that.

Now?  Great job, money is good, great wife, family and extended family love me.  And I'm trans.  And, no one really seems to be having a big problem with it except for my wife, who goes a little weird every now and then but she always comes back.  I know that.  And yet, I really struggle not to end it all sometimes.  It's like that is option #3 on the list of options. Even minor things throw everything out of whack.  Take that nice car the job afforded me and see if I can really hit 184 mph – right before I plow it into a cement pillar.  (That way my insurance still has to pay my family.)

This isn't part of my physic and I don't think it is part of other peoples as well but here we are, thinking about the unthinkable. 

What is up with that and how can we stop it??

I think you would have to talk to a profecional psycohotry to figure out what the reason to have this and how it can be threated the best way.
if it only hits you once in a while, for a bad day its more or less understandable but if its often then theres probably something who may go on you do not know about or who in general just could be improved.

everyone gets depressed and I belive most people had thoughts of suicide at least once in there life. but as said there can be alot of diffrent reason why you feel depressed from everything to a stressed day, too little sleep, or darkness actually alot of people get depression due to the weather.

[JLT1]

Thank you all for you responses.   For me, the primary fear is personal rejection.  I'm finally opening up, wanting to be accepted as me.  I'm taking off the mask and revealing the soft interior that I have hidden for so long.  And I'm just afraid, very afraid.

The second thing is less definable. It's being trans, it's the changes in my life, it's so many little reasons that come up every day.  I get frustrated and sometimes, feel like the process isn't worth it.

Lastly, it's my job.  I talked with HR today about a transition date.  They were very nervous.  I touch a lot of people in my job.  The number is frightening.  Coming out to one is hard, coming out to a hundred would seem harder.  Coming out and being known, at least on company video, to several thousand plus half the Human Health and Environmental Authorities in the world (e.g. US EPA, US FDA, EU ECHA, Australian NICNAS)  makes me just feel like hiding sometimes.  (I can just see that.  Someone is setting up a meeting with the EPA.  First questions..Who is Jennifer?  He did WHAT?  When did that happen?.... Then, will I still be taken seriously?  If not, I can't do my job.)

However, as some have said, it is the help we give and the help we get, here or in person, that really means so much in keeping me (and others) moving forward.
 
Thank you all.
Jennifer

[TaoRaven]

Personally speaking, there is only one time I have ever even considered it. And that was before I realized that I was in fact, female.
I had spent my entire life trying desperately to be what I had been told as a child and young adult that I was meant to be...a man. It didn't feel right, and in fact I was anything but your typical male, but I tried hard because I thought that it was what I was supposed to be.
I was married for over a decade, had a Son, and then my marriage was destroyed due to my lack of libido, which stemmed from sexual dysphoria.....it felt like I was trying to use the wrong tools for the job, so to speak. Eventually the intimacy stopped all together, which of course drove my wife into the arms of another man. I couldn't blame her.
I tried dating after that, with disastrous results. I wondered if maybe I was gay, and tried that for a bit, but that wasn't right either.
I became romantically involved with a close friend, and we tried to make a go of it for a while, but again...I could get aroused, but as soon as the act began, I lost it. She moved on as well.

I sank deeper into depression than ever before. I didn't know WHAT I was, or what was wrong with me. I was lonely, scared that there was some medical explanation, afraid that I would be a sexless thing for the rest of my days. I lost my job, and pretty much everything, and just sat in my chair, staring at my computer screen, waiting for the end. And considering hastening it along.

But that is when I finally dared to ask myself....if maybe I might just be the wrong gender!!! And of course that was it, and the revelation changed my life in such drastic, and positive ways that it was dizzying for a while.

But yes....I can think of a few reasons that a trans person might consider ending their lives. From the horror and confusion that gender dysphoria can cause, to potentially losing one's friends, family and job after coming out, to the seemingly overwhelming task and monetary cost of transition itself.

This is one of the reasons that communities like this are so important. We have to help each other through these times. We have to be there for one another, emotionally, and though the sharing of knowledge and resources. United we stand, after all.

[Rachel]

I had two very serious episodes in December. I have very little sleep for over a month, a continuous head ach and I lost 15 pounds from appetite loss. Both times I was at a breaking point in a car and involved a tractor trailer verses a small sub compact car. Fate, chance or some unknown reason I am here. Both times I was extremely calm and had no thoughts in my mind beyond what I set in motion. I think it was the last bits of control he had over me. I won.

[Tessa James]

Some therapists acknowledge that suicide is a solution, if final, and at least a pathway from unbearable emotional pain.  The trouble seems to be that it is the last choice a person who is successful? at it gets.  They do not get another opportunity to recover and perhaps understand that there are better choices and that their life can be satisfying and worthwhile.  We all experience pain and it helps to have practice with a few less drastic solutions that have the advantage of being reversible.  Depression is a rather common condition and for most of us it is temporary and will change whether we take drugs or get counseling or just work out to rock music.  If tempted to end it all it may help to consider pain a temporary phenomenon that passes with time, the great healer.
For me it is important to acknowledge my feelings, even the worst, and share them routinely with people who care.  To create and nurture a network of mutual support is part of being a deliberate community or family.
You've seen the bumper sticker "Love makes a family."  Love is not the only answer, just my favortite.

[Antonia J]

Taka captured my feelings almost perfectly.  I thought I had a wonderful life until last summer.  The thing is that my mask was weighing heavy and so I took it off.  That's when my world fell apart.  So now I put on a good face and joke a lot during the day with my colleagues  However, I'd be lying if I said the thought of suicide is ever far away.  I have called the hotline recently when I didn't think I was going to last the night.  I desperately miss my wife. I would listen to her breathe at night as she fell asleep, and wake in the morning and watch her the few minutes before the alarm went off. One of my last memories is of watching her next to me through tears as she lay sleeping, and knowing it was the last morning I was ever going to have with her. I have a couple of dear friends of over 20 years have distanced themselves.  All this and I haven't even begun HRT. If those closest to me reject me, and my world is crumbling, what does the future hold? I can't go back any longer and wear that horrid mask, but I am not sure I care to move ahead.  Not when I have lost the only things I ever held dear, and experienced so much pain already. That is why I think of suicide.