No confidence with myself..

[Jaehjlee]

Hey guys, I've just started school again today and I was hoping I could get some tips. See, I have a hard time talking and connecting people because I lack the self-esteem to be myself around strangers and even some friends, so I end up feeling guilty or ashamed with the way I act or talk. I think the main reason I lack confidence is because of the way I look. I'm not planning to transition until I'm older, so for now I keep my hair really short, wear a binder, and dress in men's clothing. People sometimes mistaken me for a guy, which I would be extremely happy about except that this causes some problems when it comes to using public restrooms, locker rooms, and social events such as dances. On top of that, my own family criticizes me for the way I dress and show little to no support since I've come out to them as transgender a few years ago. I just wish I could surround myself with people I can be myself around with, but it's almost impossible with the little self-esteem I have. What are some ways I can feel more confident about the way I look and act?

[SaveMeJeebus]

It upsets me to hear your parents have shown little support since coming out. That probably knocks you down a peg. It blows to hear you have confidence issues as well. I don't even know how to myself with that issue.  Somehow you have to stop thinking negatively. Tell yourself not to care what others think. You dress the way you want to, relish in that you do. You said yourself, people often mistake you as a guy, so you gotta start telling yourself that you look convincing, and pretty damn good    . Push yourself to use the guys restroom, lock room, etc... Once you have done it a few times, you'll eventually no longer worry about it. Have you told your friends how you feel? Perhaps you could try and get them to egg you on?

[Devlyn]

This thread by Sephirah is very helpful: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,122320.0.html

Hugs, Devlyn

[Kreuzfidel]

To be honest, it may sound silly - but something that helped me with my confidence was reading once that "men generally walk and interact with people looking straight ahead and instead of at their feet as some women tend to do" - I used to be terribly self-conscious and shy - unsure of myself.  Then I used this "tip" and started to just walk everywhere looking straight ahead and fighting the urge to look at the ground or at my feet.  It sounds rubbish, but just the act of "holding my head high" did wonders for my feelings of self-esteem. 

[Jaehjlee]

To be honest, it may sound silly - but something that helped me with my confidence was reading once that "men generally walk and interact with people looking straight ahead and instead of at their feet as some women tend to do" - I used to be terribly self-conscious and shy - unsure of myself.  Then I used this "tip" and started to just walk everywhere looking straight ahead and fighting the urge to look at the ground or at my feet.  It sounds rubbish, but just the act of "holding my head high" did wonders for my feelings of self-esteem.

Actually it's not silly at all, it's been proven that body language that depicts power or fearlessness does help boost our confidence as explained in a famous TED talk I've been practicing this by standing up straighter and making eye contact with others and it's been helping a bit. But mostly, I'm learning to keep the negative self-talk out of my head as I interact with others, as this is a big confidence killer. Thanks for the input guys, I hope to hear some more helpful tips!

Oh and if anyone is interested, this is the video I mentioned before.

[Taka]

use the men's restroom. going in there and coming out alive should boost your confidence. it's only scary until you've proven to yourself that it isn't.

what are your problems with dancing?

[Jaehjlee]

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to mention this but I'm still in high school, so the anxiety that comes with prom, homecoming, etc usually turns up. There's no way I'm gonna wear a dress, but I believe that's part of the school's policy. 

[ZombieDog]

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to mention this but I'm still in high school, so the anxiety that comes with prom, homecoming, etc usually turns up. There's no way I'm gonna wear a dress, but I believe that's part of the school's policy.

Unless you go to a private school or live in a very small conservative town, I recommend speaking with a counselor at school or another faculty member who might have some sway.  You should explain your situation in a calm manner(I suggest writing down bullet points of what you want to say and practice it a little) and bring along documentation from similar events in other schools.  This will show you're serious, have done your research, and that you won't just roll over and accept it.  They'd probably prefer to allow you to wear what you want to any dances rather than a dress, especially in the face of negative media attention or legal trouble.

I don't know if you have a local LGBT center near you, but you might try reaching out to them for resources and information as an additional(and local) network of friends and contacts.

[Taka]

if you commonly wear male clothing, there should be no reason to force into a dress just for school dances. you should follow the school's policy for male students.

you might want to talk to a counselor about being and presenting as a guy, and what to do about locker rooms and restrooms. you should talk about how awkward it is to use the girls' locker room and restroom when some people take you for the guy that you really are, they might be nice enough to help you find a good solution. be careful though, if you live in a very conservative area.

[AdamMLP]

I had no problem wearing a suit and tie to my school prom, although I think the UK is much more relaxed on that sort of thing than in the US.  They actually wrote it into their plans on the first prom planning meeting that I wouldn't have to wear a dress.

[randomroads]

To be honest, it may sound silly - but something that helped me with my confidence was reading once that "men generally walk and interact with people looking straight ahead and instead of at their feet as some women tend to do" - I used to be terribly self-conscious and shy - unsure of myself.  Then I used this "tip" and started to just walk everywhere looking straight ahead and fighting the urge to look at the ground or at my feet.  It sounds rubbish, but just the act of "holding my head high" did wonders for my feelings of self-esteem.

This is good advice, but it also made me smile. People like me (outdoorsy) where I grew up constantly look down at the ground as a matter of habit to avoid fire ant mounds and extremely poisonous snakes! Now that I live up north and don't have that problem, I've had to recondition myself to stop staring at the ground. Oddly enough, I do feel slightly better about myself when I'm not worrying about stepping on something that could kill me or make me itch painfully.

[LordKAT]

I look down because my job requires it. The habit tends to extend past work hours.

[Jaehjlee]

Okay thanks for the tips, I'll look into talking to my school's administration when the time comes. But how did you guys deal about negative comments/reactions from peers? Ever since school started for me this week, I've been constantly put down by my classmates' reactions to finding out I'm actually a girl and it really hurts. This has been going on ever since middle school, and I've even been denied access to either fitting rooms at department stores before.

[Brandon]

As far as reacitions from my peers, Some of the comments hurts but sometimes you have to ignore it an walk with your head up high, The more confidence you have the less people will have to say about you, For me I fit in fine with the guys, As far as girls go and dating its definately hard, You don't need alot of friends to be happy, I have one friend righ know an she's the best friend you could ever have, And is very understanding and accepting, Remember that their are people out their who will love and accept you, Just be yourself and keep your head up