In love with a mtf,but…

[kaozuki]

Hi everyone.. I hope it's ok to post this here.. but I could really need some input and other thoughts..

4 weeks ago I met a guy, we spent the night together and were seeing each other the following week-ends. For the first time in my life I was that fascinated by someone. His body, his character. I couldn't stop thinking about him. But he told me he doesn't want to have a relationship right now,so we agreed on having a affair. So far so good. But I couldn't ignore the fact, that I definitely feel more for him. Two days ago, he had his coming out to his closest friends, involving me. Telling me he is transgender and trying to hide that fact for about 10years now. He is not the first transgender I met, but this time feelings are involved. He (I am not used using 'she' right now..) told me that he wants to see a counselor to get the ok for hrt and an operation. But for now he doesn't plan on hiding anymore. Even sent me photos how he looks, when he's alone. In girls clothes and with make-up and everything. It was like.. a world was falling apart. Not to be misunderstood. I absolutely accept and tolerate the fact and his decision. I absolutely have his back with this. But still.. I fell in love with a guy. He covered this so good, there wasn't even the smallest hint. And I am having a hard time getting used to the girl he really is, because in my head.. I see him. As a man.. as a for me perfect man.. And I just can't get this picture out of my head. He said that he is gonna dress like he does normally, even when I am around now. We still can have sex, he said. But I really don't know if I can do this. First of all doing it like nothing happened is just not possible for me. Just thinking about him, "playing" a role he doesn't want to play makes me feel bad and sad. I still really want him. And I know love has nothing to do with the body.. but I'm not bisexual and never felt attracted to women, so I don't really think I can do this. Most of all I'm really afraid of hurting him with a wrong reaction. But I'm torn. A part of me wants to..enjoy him as 'him' as long as I still can..he even said that's ok with him but still... I don't know what to do. How to react when we meet the next time. Continue the affair? Or stop it and go on on a pure friends base(that we already have)?

[blueconstancy]

I think... it might be best to walk away from the relationship and return to being friends. If you were more invested in this relationship my advice would be different (and I don't mean b/c it's been too short a time, but because you agreed to a casual affair), but as it is, there are two dealbreakers already : you aren't interested in women/aren't bisexual, and you want to be dating/sleeping with a man. The first isn't fair to you, and the second isn't fair to her.

There *are* people who manage to make it work despite those conditions, but it's a HUGE amount of work and compromise and suffering, and you have to be sure you're willing to commit to all of that (with someone who won't commit to you!). If you're falling in love now, it's going to hurt a lot more later on to let go of her when she transitions - which I'm assuming is what would happen only because you've said you want to "enjoy him." When "him" is gone, you'll want to move on? And how long will you actually be able to *enjoy* this when you know she's doing something that makes her unhappy, which (to your credit) you're already aware of?

In the end, though, the really important advice is to talk to her and see what she wants and expects. I mean, it sounds like she's made that clear with the "casual" thing, but you can ask whether she even wants to try maintaining a relationship once she's begun to transition and isn't willing to appear as "him" anymore. Especially because HRT can change a lot; if you're having trouble with how much she looks like a woman now, you should be prepared for the fact that HRT will most likely cause her to look *even more* feminine and less like the guy you met, until you probably won't be able to imagine that guy even when she's performing male drag for you [if she's still willing]. By about six months on HRT, my wife couldn't pass for a guy no matter how hard she tried, not even to those of us who remembered her before.

BTW, just as a small note so you don't get jumped on in the future, it's usually more polite not to say "a mtf" and "a transgender." (She's a trans woman.)

[Danielle Emmalee]

I think... it might be best to walk away from the relationship and return to being friends. If you were more invested in this relationship my advice would be different (and I don't mean b/c it's been too short a time, but because you agreed to a casual affair), but as it is, there are two dealbreakers already : you aren't interested in women/aren't bisexual, and you want to be dating/sleeping with a man. The first isn't fair to you, and the second isn't fair to her.

There *are* people who manage to make it work despite those conditions, but it's a HUGE amount of work and compromise and suffering, and you have to be sure you're willing to commit to all of that (with someone who won't commit to you!). If you're falling in love now, it's going to hurt a lot more later on to let go of her when she transitions - which I'm assuming is what would happen only because you've said you want to "enjoy him." When "him" is gone, you'll want to move on? And how long will you actually be able to *enjoy* this when you know she's doing something that makes her unhappy, which (to your credit) you're already aware of?

In the end, though, the really important advice is to talk to her and see what she wants and expects. I mean, it sounds like she's made that clear with the "casual" thing, but you can ask whether she even wants to try maintaining a relationship once she's begun to transition and isn't willing to appear as "him" anymore. Especially because HRT can change a lot; if you're having trouble with how much she looks like a woman now, you should be prepared for the fact that HRT will most likely cause her to look *even more* feminine and less like the guy you met, until you probably won't be able to imagine that guy even when she's performing male drag for you [if she's still willing]. By about six months on HRT, my wife couldn't pass for a guy no matter how hard she tried, not even to those of us who remembered her before.

BTW, just as a small note so you don't get jumped on in the future, it's usually more polite not to say "a mtf" and "a transgender." (She's a trans woman.)

I agree with the above.  A grammatical explanation why you don't say "a mtf" or "a transgender": those are adjectives  It would be like calling a black person "a black" or a tall person "a tall", it either sounds rude or doesn't make sense at all.

[blueconstancy]

You're right about the grammar, of course. I tend to skip over that part b/c some people (elsewhere) have gotten argumentative with me in the past and I'm tired of explaining that while "a lesbian" etc. is fine b/c it's widely understood as *both* a noun and an adjective, this isn't.

[princessme]

Hi, I can relate to your feelings from the start of my own relationship, your post could have been written by me! I continued my relationship with my partner as I had a real sense of 'wow, I love this person regardless'. I won't lie, it hasn't always been easy, in fact, at the moment it is the worst it has ever been with her own insecurities and worries. But yes, I too, felt that I wanted my partner to stay as male as possible for as long as possible. Sadly, I have almost gone back to this way of thinking after a year together as she was happier before, but thats a long story. Whatever happens, I would urge you to think of yourself and your feelings as much as you can else you can fall in to the trap of taking on your partner's feelings all the time which is not beneficial for your own sanity.