Timing once some people know

[KabitTarah]

I have different sorts of family. I just came out to my brother and his wife last night - it's actually *more* difficult in a letter, watching them read it, watching their expressions... And in the end, they're totally supportive. They are liberal and my SIL has someone in the (very extended) family who transitioned.

The question is... when do I tell the people I really fear to tell? There's a reason I chose my brother and SIL first - you're never sure what to expect, but I at least had a lot of hope. There are reasons I feel like I need to tell people earlier in my family... and I really like to come out and be out about it, but the family situation is complex.

My sister and her husband will be more difficult. I don't fear my sister, but my BIL definitely has the chance of rejecting it and of telling the world (which includes my BIL on the other side - who he works with). Regardless, they may be the last I tell. My wife's side also will be much more difficult. Her parents I should tell first, but I don't know how to approach them (I doubt they'll understand). One of her sisters is more liberal... I would tell her first - but her SO works with me. The rest are more likely to go nuts over it.

How do you tell people like this? I have a personal, touching letter... but it's difficult. I also won't be able to stick around while they read for some of these people (my sister, yes... that liberal SIL and my work friend, yes).

In any case... the rest are all waiting until after my next appointment.

[Ltl89]

In the case of your brother in law, I would imagine your sister's reaction is most important.  I don't know many husbands who would go against the wishes of their spouse and reject the family member in question.  Most guys accept that his wife's family is important and leave it at that regardless of any issues they may have.

I'm not the best at giving tips in this department.  I've just been open and honest with everyone I have told.  To be honest, I don't think there is a strategy or way to make people take it in better.  Sure, you don't want to come to them dressed up and say "guess what"; however there is never really a right or wrong way to come out.  You just have to find what makes you comfortable.  I suggest you bring this up to your therapist because they may have better input for you since they know more about your individual situation.

Good luck!

[Jaelithe]

My brothers are on my "early" list. The rest of my immediate family, though, get to wait a year or two to find out with the rest of the world. I'm actually thinking of telling them by adjusting the name and sex on my Facebook and letting them ask =P

[KabitTarah]

My brothers are on my "early" list. The rest of my immediate family, though, get to wait a year or two to find out with the rest of the world. I'm actually thinking of telling them by adjusting the name and sex on my Facebook and letting them ask =P

I love the shock value, but I see the importance of not using it. There are people who will be shocked in the end - I won't be telling everyone immediately and some people are bound to find out the hard way... but it's a long road and those people don't matter as much

I do love my family, and with the few people I've told I've had a lot of reactions (some from multiple people). The ones I haven't had to deal with are the snitch or violently shocked (my wife's reaction was more of depression / shock). I hope I don't have to see this in people. I feel terrible being able to see these very private reactions in people. It really helps me understand who they are better than I had before. On the other hand... I don't think I'll be speaking to anyone else except the SIL and her SO that works with me. Partly because I think they'll take it better than most... partly because there are special things I need to say to them (based on work stuff).

Telling brings up the self doubt more than anything else does. It's my favorite thing -- now people know, now I'm free -- but it's a big step toward my own acceptance (which I thought was pretty solid... but rational thought and emotion are very different things).

Love you all at Susan's!!

[Jaelithe]

Telling also invites interference from any who might be actively opposed to my transition. Of which I am certain there are several in my family. So they get to wait until it's too late for them to throw a monkey wrench into my works.

[Donna Elvira]

Hi Kabit.
I'm always a little suprised when I see people in a hurry to come out and can only ask why? What exactly is motivating you to come out to anyone other the people who are really the very closest to you before people can actually see anything different?
I think I sent you this link before but just in case, here it as again: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,147525.0.html
At minimum, the thinking should help you ask yourself some serious questions before burning a whole load of bridges up front.
Wishing you the best of luck!
Donna

[KabitTarah]

Hi Kabit.
I'm always a little suprised when I see people in a hurry to come out and can only ask why? What exactly is motivating you to come out to anyone other the people who are really the very closest to you before people can actually see anything different?
I think I sent you this link before but just in case, here it as again: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,147525.0.html
At minimum, the thinking should help you ask yourself some serious questions before burning a whole load of bridges up front.
Wishing you the best of luck!
Donna

I don't always trust the people that are close to me! These are the closest people in my life (me and my wife's lives). I am planning this over a period of months, and will start with the easiest and most trustworthy... but they need to be told.

I may hold off on her family for a while - at least until our marriage/relationship settles.

No, I don't know what I'm doing... but I see these people very often and it hurts to see them under false pretenses. I have a hard time being myself.

[Donna Elvira]

I don't always trust the people that are close to me! These are the closest people in my life (me and my wife's lives). I am planning this over a period of months, and will start with the easiest and most trustworthy... but they need to be told.

I may hold off on her family for a while - at least until our marriage/relationship settles.

No, I don't know what I'm doing... but I see these people very often and it hurts to see them under false pretenses. I have a hard time being myself.

Hi again Kabit,
Apart from your own (emotional?) need to come out of the closet, why does anyone who is not going to be directly affected by what you do like wife and kids actually NEED to be told now? Admittedly, I don't see them very often, but I only came out to my own siblings last summer, 3 years after starting my HRT and with my FFS already completely behind me. My reasoning was a bit like Jaelithe's, I didn't want any interference and since it was very much my own business anyway, I preferred to let them know after the event.

[Jaelithe]

Especially since, in my state, a legal name change like this can be prevented if anyone is watching for it and voices an objection. That strikes me as exactly the sort of thing my family would attempt to "save me".

[KabitTarah]

Hi again Kabit,
Apart from your own (emotional?) need to come out of the closet, why does anyone who is not going to be directly affected by what you do like wife and kids actually NEED to be told now? Admittedly, I don't see them very often, but I only came out to my own siblings last summer, 3 years after starting my HRT and with my FFS already completely behind me. My reasoning was a bit like Jaelithe's, I didn't want any interference and since it was very much my own business anyway, I preferred to let them know after the event.

These are people I see on a weekly to monthly basis. We don't hang out with friends... we have family... and everyone knows everyone - I can't think of anyone other than our parents who isn't connected in some way to the other side of the family. It's weird... and complicated.

Basically... I'm not talking immediately, but I am thinking over the next 3-6 months (and 6 really sounds like pushing it).

I may hold off for longer based on what you are all saying, though... it will just be very difficult to explain, and I'm a fairly truthful person when it comes to pointed questions about myself. If I lie, people can usually tell... and "no comment" or "I don't want to talk about it" doesn't work well for direct questions ("are you gay?" "I don't want to talk about it." means "yes, probably").