Another one of us desperately needing advice

[annapattitg37]

(this will be a long post, so sorry in advance)

Hey, everyone! This is my first time posting in the forum even though I've been loitering around this site for many years (even before I came out to myself - you know how it is). I'm turning twenty-one in a few days. I've been suffering from "inexplicable" depression since puberty, and after years of denial I finally admitted to myself that I'm transgender about 2 months ago when I went in for therapy. As many of you know, coming out is both freeing and terrifying. Where do I go now? What does this mean about who I am? How do I reconcile the years of wearing a macho mask?

Right now I'm trying to take it slow. I've been repressing my femininity for so long that the temptation is to come out to everyone all at once and begin transitioning immediately. I'm trying to breathe slowly and take baby steps. I've told some trustworthy friends and I'm going to seek a new counselor now that I'm back at school. 

For two months now I've been "committed" to never transitioning. My dream is to have a wife and kids, and transitioning would very obviously wreck those goals. However, as time goes on and I realize how frickin' transgender I really am, I can't help but think constantly about living a new life.

Where I stand right now is that I truly believe that transitioning would bring me incredible peace - it's the only "cure." However, I think there is one thing more important than finding my inner peace: loving others. "No greater love is this: than to lay down your life for your friends." I think my calling to love demands that I don't come out and transition. It's horribly painful, but then again I don't think life is about pain and pleasure but about love and the failure to love. On the other hand, can I love others if I can't stand myself?

For me, transitioning would mean abandoning everything. No one in my family would understand. My father would be crushed, my mother would blame herself, my sisters would be prudish about it, and my brothers would lose their masculine role model. I would truly have to break away, which is too sad to even think about since I really love my family. I have a big Italian family, and we are very close.

On the other hand, I just want to be happy. I'm no good to anyone as a miserable wreck.

In between these two extremes is my religion and spirituality. Through God and constant prayer, I've come to the conclusion that I can't deny my biological body, but I also can't deny my transgendered reality. I used to simplify things by wearing a macho mask and pretending the transgender part doesn't exist. Now I want to simplify things by making my body match my mind. Maybe the right path is between these two "extremes." But I don't think this means I should be androgynous; I don't feel androgynous, I feel like a woman.

So I guess the summary would be that maybe my life's cross is to lose all my loved ones, or maybe it is to feel transgender forever without being able to do anything about it. I don't know, but either way doesn't look too promising. I'm unhappy even on my good days. 

I don't want to rush into anything, but I'm hoping to be able to dialogue with my transgender sisters to help me sort out this dilemma. Please post any thoughts, advice, and personal experiences, especially if you had a similar dilemma. I love you all, and thanks for making this forum such a supportive place. I don't know any other place on the internet that is so understanding. 

[LordKAT]

When it comes to religion, are you following bible or 'church'? The rules aren't the same. God made you as you are. One spirit

You have a lot to think about. This is where a gender counselor comes in handy to help you through this mess. If you can, find and talk to one.

[Erin Kay Howell]

Though im 7 years older I can say that your ecperience is extremely similar to mine.

I am married but no kids.

The one thing that pushed me and helped me out was a piece of advice my friends and others here on this forum would tell me:

You cannot help others until you can help yourself. You need to be happy and its ok to make yourself number one in yhat sense until you are.

Its good to hear your talking with someone as well and taking steps to safeguard yourself with a new counselor is good.

[Danielle Emmalee]

Welcome to Susan's!

I have some thoughts on your option of bearing the cross of just living with your transgender feelings and doing nothing about it.

Do you really think you are doing your family a favor being someone that you're not?  You say you don't want to stop being a role model for your brothers, is not being true to yourself really something you want to model?

Would you truly be doing the right thing getting married and having children while keeping a core part of yourself hidden from your new family?

I know you have some understanding of this from your questions of not being able to truly love others if you can't stand yourself and that you are thinking that you are no good to anyone as a miserable wreck.

Becoming the woman you are inside (not trying to push this on you, just if it really is who you are) doesn't necessarily mean you can't have a wife and kids.  There are option for keeping viable sperm for the future and there is also adoption and even sperm donors that you and your wife could consider together.

I'm not saying that your family for sure is going to be accepting but many many people underestimate the positive reaction that they end up getting from their families even if it isn't right away.

Just some things to think about.  Obviously, I'm not a therapist and I don't know your whole story and I don't know you or your family so take my advice with a grain of salt.  Its good that you are planning to continue therapy and I think that will help you in coming to the right decision for yourself.

[mrs izzy]

Annapattig37

If i was you i would get yourself a good therapist that will help you through all the aspects that are needed, they are well worth there weight in gold.

I tell anyone never put the horse before the cart. Take things as you come to understand them.

As always the fear of loosing everyone. Everyone here has had it, many keep dwelling on it and scared to live. They stay in the pain and darkness because of others (i call it jail). With help you can live past it for yourself. You have to live your life honest to yourself over others. Not one of them can live your life for you. Yes you might loose a few or none. But are you willing to loose you?

If you see you must walk this path just remember there are thousands who have already walked this path before you and are here to show you the way if you are willing to ask for there hand.

Izzy

[annapattitg37]

When it comes to religion, are you following bible or 'church'? The rules aren't the same. God made you as you are. One spirit

I'm talking about God, Church, and Bible. The focus has been on God. The way I see it, God made me the way I am, which includes both my male body and female interior. I figure that if the parts don't seem to match, I'd better consult the Manufacturer.

Would you truly be doing the right thing getting married and having children while keeping a core part of yourself hidden from your new family?

No, I wouldn't, which is why if I choose not to transition, I would still feel obligated to tell my wife before we get married. My number one criteria for a wife is someone who will know that I struggle with this and will love me for who I am. And I think it is possible that I can still be myself to my children without presenting as a woman - by being compassionate, attuned, motherly, etc.

However, I really take seriously everything you are saying. I cannot live with a mask! This is CERTAIN. The question is if I can live as a man while somehow still being true to my inner self.

[Rachel]

Welcome and Hugs,

I went to religious grade and high (all boys) school and came from an Irish Catholic background. I felt the same as you at your age, the image of correctness in an incorrect self. So much guilt and self punishment for thoughts that are so wrong but are there constantly. I feel your pain.

You are doing the best thing in going for help to sort out your feelings and doing it now. Therapy was the best gift I gave my self.

[LordKAT]

We could have one huge religion disagreement so I'm not going there.

God made you as you are, defects and all. You overcome defects. There are different ways for different defects. If you are born with a limb missing you either learn to live with it or you get a prosthesis and learn to live with that. If you are born with a harelip, you often get surgery and then go from there. If you are born transsexual, you either learn to live with it or you get treatment and go from there.

Sometimes, it takes a while for you to figure out which method is best for you. That is where a gender therapist comes in.

Whichever path you choose, I hope it goes well for you.

[JoanneB]

In between these two extremes is my religion and spirituality. Through God and constant prayer, I've come to the conclusion that I can't deny my biological body, but I also can't deny my transgendered reality. I used to simplify things by wearing a macho mask and pretending the transgender part doesn't exist. Now I want to simplify things by making my body match my mind. Maybe the right path is between these two "extremes." But I don't think this means I should be androgynous; I don't feel androgynous, I feel like a woman.

Much of your analysis is similar to my own. However, it may have taken me a few decades to see it in myself, I am a victim of black & white thinking. A large part of which came about from having to resolve the I feel like a girl but am a boy existential question. From my perspective, for my life, very entrenched in that male role, having a loving wife, no kids, fantastic career, house with white picket fence etc., tons of financial obligations, transition is mostly out as an option... for now.

What also comes as part of having that package is having to build an ever bigger, stronger wall between the two aspects of yourself, the male, and female. Though the male is mostly unreal, you make it stronger, idealized, in some ways over the top, if it wasn't so sad, a comical vision of what a guy would be. It tends to rule you life completely. Since God forbid a little of the female side shines through in everyday life, Game Over. The world will instantly see that you are really trans. The end of the world as you know it.

Rather then the plain simple "Two extremes" way of looking at being trans which is primarily presentation, I came to the conclusion that before I could make any sort of life changing decisions I needed to be one whole and healthy person. Transition to full time only flips the perspectives. Rather than denying being female, you may need to deny a very large and substantial part of you and your life. I needed to start knocking down that wall I built. A wall that turned me into into a lifeless, soulless person with no hopes, no wishes and no dreams (other than one long ago given up on).

My wife has a saying, "There are at least 5 solutions to every problem". She usually has no problem rattling off five. Many of which I would never have thought of or would immediate dismiss because of my B&W thinking. For me, rather than thinking in terms of male vs female as the only solutions, I turned the question into a major research project since there was no way I could truly reconcile the best answer for me, when I had no real idea of what or who Me is. Major parts of me were scattered away in lock boxes in the deepest sub basements of my soul.

It has been 3 or so years of hard work bringing these two major aspects of me together. Shame and guilt still rear their ugly heads. Perhaps because I am still living in the male role rather than where I know my heart and joy truly lies. I see that as part of the cost of my current decision. Transition, as you know, carries other costs which I am not yet prepared to pay. I am still learning about myself and growing as a person. While I still hope I can continue on in a male role, I also know if I won the mega lottery tomorrow following my joy comes next. Knowing that the decision is right for me this time (I tried twice before in my 20's). Perhaps not "The Best" decision, but there is no way to really know until I try. My recent part-time experience showed me that I can achieve my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman.

Just as being TG encompasses a broad spectrum of people, being TG also encompasses an even broader set of coping mechanisms. Labels tend to lead to lead to B&W thinking. If 'A' then the correct answer is 'X', NOT. The correct answer is what works for you. What will bring into your life what you desire. Sadly, for many, transition often came down to a do or die decision. Happily, you do not seem to be in that place. Having been there, it is not a fun place to even walk nearby.

[MaryXYX]

I'm talking about God, Church, and Bible. The focus has been on God. The way I see it, God made me the way I am, which includes both my male body and female interior. I figure that if the parts don't seem to match, I'd better consult the Manufacturer.

There are probably at least five answers to this question too.  The one my previous church seemed to hold was:
"I can see your body is male, so that was what God intended.  I can't see your female inside, so you are lying about it."
Alternatively, God made you and me this way because He (must be male ...) is a sadistic bastard.
My understanding is I don't know why He/She made me this way, but I believe there is a very good reason.  It might be that I am well suited to work with this and other oppressed minority groups.

Have you had a look at any of the Facebook Christian Transsexual groups?  I like:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/338455239558922/

[carrie359]

Please know I write this in love... there are others more qualified than me... this is just my not too short two cents.

I am a new member of the forum and I am 54.  I can tell you that if I had known all I know about being transgender at your age nothing in the entire world would have mattered to me but being who I truly am.  I know it would be hard to tell your parents, I am in the position of one day having to tell my kids and a wife of 31 years... that is the situation I am in now.. I am trapped just as I was as a young child... however, I love my wife and family dearly...
Now my son has a wife who will know, I have 5 grand kids, I have my son and daughters husband and wifes parents that will know... I have all my long business relationships that will know... The complications later in life could be more severe.. you are fortunate in that you can make an informed decision and that is wonderful.
If you get married to a woman will you tell her up front... ?  or will you live a lie as I have because of fear or rejection.
I know at your age though I was insecure  I wanted to be liked and loved and did not want rejection any more than I do now.
I asked God to cure me when I was a child, I prayed to be a girl very young. I have a prayer today to God and that is to show me the way and if I transition help me survive...I have a real issue with those who use religion against the LGBT community.. Its out of the deepest ignorance of all and cruel ... they are not God.. They use religion to harm when it should be for love.. We did not choose to be born this way.. we are this way.

Please take my advise with a grain of salt.. but to truly care for others would be easier if you become truly who we are....IMO....
I did not know what trans anything meant until sitting in a library and being brave enough to look at a book about it... I was already 29 and with kids and wife... and I cried when I read about me...
I almost transitioned was cleared but waited.. now at 54 at the crossroads again.. its painful..
My advise, get into therapy... seriously.. only you know the answer...
And God, when I almost transitioned years ago and came out to my wife we went into a tailspin... I decided nothing would stop me... then decided I wanted to keep my family.  I went to christian counseling for a long time.. it did not work to change me.. I went back into hiding and my wife just assumed I was cured.. I am who I am I was born this way and I have suffered for 50 years.
That is not to say I have not been happy.... I have known much joy in life..

You are young, life is complicated enough without gender issues... I hope you find the path that is best for you... I have empathy for you.. we have been in your shoes..
Therapy, please get some professional help .. seek a counselor and be very honest with them.
Blessings to you on your journey...
Carrie

[Taka]

the human soul is perfect, the body is not. if you read the bible, you'll notice that the first humans made a very bad choice, they fell for temptation and sought forbidden knowledge. this had the horrifying consequence of being thrown out of paradise where everything is perfect, and into this world where imperfection seems to be more of a rule. your soul and spirit are what you will bring with you to heaven, and i believe it is more important to be true to this than the body which is only a product of a world that we humans have destroyed with our sins agains ourselves and nature.

you are who you are, and have the body that you have. be yourself.
there are many ways to be yourself though. you may transition fully. you may make an honest attempt at pleasing the people around you whilst forgetting your own happiness and needs. you may change the way you walk and talk and dress, take hormones that will balance your mind and body, and still avoid cutting up your body unnecessarily.

but whatever you do, don't let yourself fall so deep into depression that you choose an early death. not living your life to its fullest, doing all you can to love god, yourself, and others the best you can, could also be considered a sin. we give people all kinds of medicines and surgeries to fix a deformed body, keep them from harming themselves or others, function better in society. if the medicines you need to live your life instead of just surviving one day after the other happen to make you look more like the opposite sex, i don't think the manufacturer would say much against it. you're just doing the best you can with the body you have gotten.

if you are careful about how fast you go through the process, if you choose to do it, you might be able to save your fertility for a future family. hormones and surgery are what you need to be careful about in this regard. clothing style and expression can be altered any time, and there is no agreement on whether or not a man or a woman should dress like this or that. if you believe that you are a woman with a male body and this is how things should stay, why not try to live that instead of pretending you are a man with a male body?