Can't decide if I am transgender or not... Please help!

[Totodile]

Not sure if this is the right forum so apologies if it's not. So basically I am a male nearly finished highschool. About 8 months ago I read a story about a FTM transgender who said he was gay but he was truly in denial about his gender. At the time I thought I was gay but I was very unsure and I went through periods of telling myself that I was gay/bi/hetero. So anyway after I read this story I became paranoid that I was a transgender person too. I was hearing voices telling me that I was transgender. That night I had a panic attack and since then I haven't been able to shake the idea of being transgender. I felt ashamed and I wouldn't even consider the thought of being transgender, the though was too scary for me. I became extremely depressed and made an attempt at suicide. Whenever I was alone the thought was always there in the back of my head "You're transgender".

So about one week ago I finally decided enough was enough, yes I'd probably be ostracized for being a transgender but at least I could be happy. The day I 'came out' to myself I was extremely happy. Then that night I looked up a few things about transitioning and then it hit me, I don't want to change the way I look. I don't want to shave my legs, I don't want to make my voice higher and in general my appearance I don't want to change.  But I still have this thought in the back of my head. I really don't know what to do. I am depressed again, all I want to do is be happy I don't care if I am transgender anymore. I've spent the last week trying to imagine myself being a girl and I can't do it. Sexually I am attracted to girls(I know I said I thought I was gay before but I was wrong) and I always imagine myself as the male in the relationship.

Do I sound like I am still in denial or something? Is this how it is like for everyone? Like I said I keep having a thought in the back of my head telling me I'm a transgender but I don't feel like a girl or have any real desire to be a female.

I know that the response I'll get is something like "Give it time" but I can't do that this year has been hell, I used to be so happy and now I hate my life and I am constantly reminded of how much better off I was before I read that story and had the panic attack. Do you think I may have some underlying mental illness? Anyway all responses are appreciated.

[Jillieann Rose]

Totodile,
Being yourself is what matters.
No labels (gay/bi/hetero/trans) fits any of use completely and for some the labels don't fit at all.
That's okay. None of us are alike.
For me, being a mtf, being seen as and treated like a women are very important.

I don't want to change the way I look. I don't want to shave my legs, I don't want to make my voice higher and in general my appearance I don't want to change.

All of those things you don't want to do I needed to do.
I wish I could tell you what you are but nobody can tell you what you are.
Get a therapist that specializes in gender and they will help in this process of finding yourself.
It did take me a few years to find out who I was but a therapist really helped me to figure it out.
It will take time Totodile.
Jillieann

[arbon]

Hi Totodile

Is this how it is like for everyone?

That was not my experience. I always  hated being a male and that was always clear to me.

I don't feel like a girl or have any real desire to be a female.

I'm not understanding what it is that makes you think you are transgender. Just the voices?

Have you looked into therapy? I found that very helpful and think it would be a good thing for you to consider.

[Lee]

It's always possible you could fall somewhere between being a man or being a woman.  There are a number of people here who identify as neither or both.  I have to agree with Jillieann's advice; the labels just get in the way.  Try thinking of how you see yourself without focusing on whether you fit into one mold or the other.  Good luck with getting everything figured out. 

[Annah]

it is not our right to say if you are transgender. We only know you from the initial thread here and there are so many countless variables about yourself that we do not know about.

The best advice to you is to seek out a qualified trained gender therapist and discuss your issues with him or her.

Having you ask us if you are transgender or not, in my opinion, is like asking us if we think that pain in your rear flank area is renal carcinoma. We're just not qualified nor do we have any personal interaction with you to give you a responsible answer

I'm sorry.

[Keaira]

The funny thing about being Transgender is, the only person who can say for sure is you. Sure there is a list of common traits associated with it, and you can talk with a counselor about them. But in the end, it's up to you to say "yes! This is who I am."
It is possible that you fall identify as neither male or female. However, you said you were in High School. This is a very stressful time for you and it is also possible you are still trying to find yourself.
You also said you didnt want to do anything about  your appearance. There are some who dont transition at all for various reasons, including because they are happy as they are.
So all I can say is just be yourself. Everything else will fall into place.

I wish you the very best of luck in your path ^_^

[BillieTex]

Who you are is not a name, handle, classification or term, who you are is an individual, a living person. Not to be one to encourage of discourage what you may be feeling, but if you feel as strong about it as it sounds, I'd reccomend seeing a councellor, you may find you are just you - if you can accept who you are is a truely great gift to yourself.

[Angel On Acid]

You've just considered the possibility that you might be transgendered, and I know right now it feels like there's a rush to try and understand the feelings you have. I can relate to how unsure you are and the pressure you put yourself under, but really you have all the time in the world to comprehend whats going on.

You could see a therapist who will help you. You'll get there eventually.

[Taka]

have you thought about the possibility that it's the voice who is transgender, not you, and now it's trying to convince you that you are transgender too, just so you will make the changes to your body that the voice wants..?

i've had some weird discussions with myself where one part of me really wants a beard and a deeper voice while another part of me is like "no way!". it's a bit confusing to me as the two opinions don't come from separate personalities and they don't even have different voices. i first wondered if i were in denial about being ftm or something, but reading a lot in the androgyne section here made me realize there's no need to choose between male or female because there are other gender variations too

just don't panic, and take things easy as you try to figure things out. it is possible to be transgender without wanting to be the opposite sex. it's even possible to be two genders at the same time or no gender at all

[Jennie]

have you thought about the possibility that it's the voice who is transgender, not you, and now it's trying to convince you that you are transgender too, just so you will make the changes to your body that the voice wants..?

i've had some weird discussions with myself where one part of me really wants a beard and a deeper voice while another part of me is like "no way!". it's a bit confusing to me as the two opinions don't come from separate personalities and they don't even have different voices. i first wondered if i were in denial about being ftm or something, but reading a lot in the androgyne section here made me realize there's no need to choose between male or female because there are other gender variations too

just don't panic, and take things easy as you try to figure things out. it is possible to be transgender without wanting to be the opposite sex. it's even possible to be two genders at the same time or no gender at all

Teka, this is very interesting what you said and it does apply to plenty of people, I think it might be where I end up but you never know.  I do know that I was born a female in a male body and I do not like that, I love everything female but because I am old and if I started transition I might not get to me as female as I wanted so I would be happy to settle for androgyne.
Hay I love your signature, do you live in 情Nashi ?
I am very much into the Japanese culture, my wife is pure Japanese and I live in Hawaii so I have plenty of Japanese influence here, I also speak and write Japanese to a small degree, I have a lot of friends in Japan and I even collect Japanes medicine bottles, it is a lot of fun.  Aloha and arigato.

Jennie

[Rabbit]

I don't understand... why would you want to take hormones / transition if you didn't want to look different? That is pretty much what they do (well, along with some mental stuff, but all those mental things shift you towards female).

I don't want to do a lot of the "girl" stuff either (like makeup or dressing with really tight clothes, or having to learn how to act differently... and really, not even that big of a fan of learning how to change my voice *though, i am practicing my voice, just in case i want it later*)

But, I very much DO want all the physical changes from hormones. And I am growing my hair out and more focused on nails (now that they look like pearls *love*). Basically, I do want to look more female (though hate some of the social BS that goes along with it, but I am willing to put up with a lot...like bras...which suck ).

To help with depression, it could simply be depression... some medication could go a long way in helping with that.

So...if you don't want to shift yourself towards female...why do you think you are transgendered?

[eshaver]

On the surface , I would say you're in denial and for rhe moment a candidate for just Crossdressing now . Meanwhile , get to a decent Gender therapist, Yes , someone who deals in Gender issues , not just depression and marital issues ............... ellen

[JoshuaKael]

So many people reach this fork in the road and it's hard to know which way is the best way to go.
Sometimes, the thought of being transgendered can really stick into someone's head when they really aren't trans at all. They get caught up in the "what if?"s and the scariness of it all, and they find it hard to get back out of the thought.
You sound like you're really searching for who you are. And that's something EVERYONE goes through: straight, gay, bisexual, trans, queer. EVERYONE goes through it. It's always a scary time, and just when you think you have everything figured out something will come along and tell you you're wrong. But that's okay.
There's nothing wrong with exploring. You can explore your attraction to others. You say now that you're very sure you like only girls? If that's true, that's one thing you've already figured out through experience. (: I can tell you that everything else will soon be figured out as well.
If you don't want to change your appearance, you can still fall under the spectrum of transgendered. There's nothing stopping you from creating your OWN gender identity. While you may look like a male and choose to appear that way, your identity is something completely different from that. You can be genderqueer, bigender, genderneutral, no gender, a third gender or so many other possibilities!
It's not a decision to be made over night and the ONLY person that it should be made for is you. You're the one who has to deal with your life when it's all over, so make sure that you are the one that is happy in your life.
Good luck and much love.
- Josh

[Taka]

Hay I love your signature, do you live in 情Nashi ?
I am very much into the Japanese culture, my wife is pure Japanese and I live in Hawaii so I have plenty of Japanese influence here, I also speak and write Japanese to a small degree, I have a lot of friends in Japan and I even collect Japanes medicine bottles, it is a lot of fun.  Aloha and arigato.

Jennie

no, i don't live in "nasakenashi", and i don't think anyone would ever want to.. my current sig is from from the anime seto no hanayome

[YinYanga]

Hi Toto, I hope youll find some answers (and peace of mind) here

I often doubt about my gender and the how's and why's of it, but since I am a thinker and worrier by nature I try to filter out what I feel most happy with and what I dont feel at all.
Some people close to me think I am gay, some think I am transsexual, some think I am just sensitive and creative. I feel neither of those but I do feel ' home'  with Transgender, as someone who is predominantly female in mind but not yet in body...so I am trying to find that balance and I hope Ill get that chance in the coming periods

As somewhat of a checklist of what makes me feel transgendered I wrote a few things in my scrapbook where I write stories and experiences from time to time

* I dislike most features of my body, it's a long -and for many here, recognizable list- 
Hair amount, hair structure
Skin structure
Lack of breasts ( And no , not everyone wants DD's...Id prefer theyre more.. subtle )
Body hair
Masculine facial features
Calves
Size and shape of hands and feet
Muscles
Barely any hip
Adam's apple
Sweat

There are other things but this was from the top of my head...and mind you, I am already fairly androgynous in my looks, but this bugs me physically.

Socially the list is even longer, like:
- I want to be seen at a workplace or hobbyplace, even a holiday as the image I have in my mind
-I would want a relationship where I am loved for who I am, and yes, how I look is also important to complete the picture
-If I just interact on a daily basis, it would be in a way that reflects ' me'  ...not the androgynous guy who is biting his lips to hide the real story and pain.
-I want to live, walk and dance freely, not cramped and afraid of whether people see or don't see my genderissues lurking within me

Maybe there are a few things you can talk about

(Feels like I just tend to ramble on into nothingness somehow, making posts way to long  )

[Cen]

Do I sound like I am still in denial or something? Is this how it is like for everyone? Like I said I keep having a thought in the back of my head telling me I'm a transgender but I don't feel like a girl or have any real desire to be a female.

You sound like you're confused.

It hasn't been like that for me.  Issues with my genders vs. my physical sex have been there since I was young.  I wanted to transition, but I kept it to myself because I feared how others would treat me.  Eventually I convinced myself I should just try and be happy being a normal guy, but nothing ever changed.  16 years later I'm finally starting to deal with it.

[FreshGuy]

Not sure if this is the right forum so apologies if it's not. So basically I am a male nearly finished highschool. About 8 months ago I read a story about a FTM transgender who said he was gay but he was truly in denial about his gender. At the time I thought I was gay but I was very unsure and I went through periods of telling myself that I was gay/bi/hetero. So anyway after I read this story I became paranoid that I was a transgender person too. I was hearing voices telling me that I was transgender. That night I had a panic attack and since then I haven't been able to shake the idea of being transgender. I felt ashamed and I wouldn't even consider the thought of being transgender, the though was too scary for me. I became extremely depressed and made an attempt at suicide. Whenever I was alone the thought was always there in the back of my head "You're transgender".

So about one week ago I finally decided enough was enough, yes I'd probably be ostracized for being a transgender but at least I could be happy. The day I 'came out' to myself I was extremely happy. Then that night I looked up a few things about transitioning and then it hit me, I don't want to change the way I look. I don't want to shave my legs, I don't want to make my voice higher and in general my appearance I don't want to change.  But I still have this thought in the back of my head. I really don't know what to do. I am depressed again, all I want to do is be happy I don't care if I am transgender anymore. I've spent the last week trying to imagine myself being a girl and I can't do it. Sexually I am attracted to girls(I know I said I thought I was gay before but I was wrong) and I always imagine myself as the male in the relationship.

Do I sound like I am still in denial or something? Is this how it is like for everyone? Like I said I keep having a thought in the back of my head telling me I'm a transgender but I don't feel like a girl or have any real desire to be a female.

I know that the response I'll get is something like "Give it time" but I can't do that this year has been hell, I used to be so happy and now I hate my life and I am constantly reminded of how much better off I was before I read that story and had the panic attack. Do you think I may have some underlying mental illness? Anyway all responses are appreciated.

I am going through the exact same thing as you, it is nice to find somebody else that I can relate to.

I just need help with this whole trans thing.

If you come back and read this, let us know how you are getting on