First off, I should probably briefly elaborate on the thread title although it really isn't as thrilling as you might expect. At thirteen I started my first journey dubbed 'discover your sexual-orientation' (young ne?), and very much alike now (7 years later, again young ne?) ended up with sweaty palms and a rocky heartbeat when typing up my first forum post on the matter. However, looking back, that travel seemed far more simplistic than this one: homosexuality, bisexuality and heterosexuality are so much easier defined than androgyny, and every answer seems to bring up another question that feeds the pounding in my head. (All right, that wasn't as brief as promised).
Thus, here I am, writing my first forum post after gaining enough courage and forcing my significant other to proofread. However, that doesn't mean that I'm not afraid to get butchered, and perhaps re-watching 'Braveheart' for the twelfth time beforehand would have been a brilliant idea. Nevertheless, this seems to be an inevitable step to take if I want to get closer to who I am through association with others because right now it's one chaotic mess that I can't get out of on my own.
I suppose this has always been inside of me, but never acknowledged by myself or others. When I tell my mother I feel neither female or male she simply attributes it to my sexual orientation (which would be lesbian although research on pansexuality has left some questions open, and I'll leave out the whole androgyny/orientation discussion), but that explanation doesn't do it for me. For starters, appearance (as in developing a style) slash shopping is a complete hell: if something looks too feminine I feel uncomfortable, but if it looks too masculine I feel uncomfortable as well. The fact that I can't cut my hair at the moment (having to look all decent and feminine for work – a dress up party in my eyes) frustrates me, and whenever I'm forced to wear it down I (again) feel uncomfortable since it makes me look more female. Don't get me wrong though, I can live with my body and have no direct aspirations to change it, but sports bra's are a blessed invention to temper cup size, and loose clothing a great way to straighten some curves since anything that accentuates them makes me feel like a baby-factory (no offense of course: just a terminology to get my point across). And, just for the record (since I assume this all sounds a tad andro-fash), the way I want to appear has little to do with how want to be perceived, but far more with what makes me feel like me.
If there was a choice between filling in your sex or age on a registration form I would thankfully fill in age, and in the past few years have often left 'gender' open on online profiles because it seemed awkward to settle for a F or M. I believe it's possibly where this nickname 'no_id' has rooted from, and when I look at my current profiles I notice they say 'no_id loves/hates' rather than 'he/she hates'. While I do present myself as a female to the outside world I simply can no longer deny how I feel inside since every tiny issue I encounter seems to be weighting down heavier and heavier.
Thus, I suppose this is my first step into taking up another one of Rubik's cubes and start matching colours, and since puzzles aren't my talent some guidance would be highly appreciated if not indispensable. ^^v <--- that smiley is absolutely necessary at the moment.
Ps1: Errr not te sure if this is the right area to post <.<; (ah well, guess it will be moved otherwise).
Ps2: ARG!... I completely left out the 'Hey everyone' part... Tsk, tsk, probably concentrating too much on what I was writing, but yes: Hey everyone ^^;;
Ps3: Alright, this turned out longer than I intended. Bear with me.
