Breakdown

[carrie359]

Hey Group,
Well I have cried before... shed tears over my situation... I am I know needing to transition or I may have to do something awful to myself one day.
Last night laying in bed my emotions got the best of me thinking about what my decision will do to others.  I have always been there for my family.. kids are grown.. wife loves me and she needs me.. I am her everything.. and she is beautiful  .. I am lucky to have her.
I broke down and have never cried so hard... I cried like a baby and was thinking about killing myself... but I am a coward.. don't want to come out and I can't end it..
Problem is.. I am a liar.. I live a lie..
I felt so alone last night.. thinking about why me.. ..why did this have to happen why can't I just be happy as a man.. and I am a damn good looking guy ...with a finger index of a female.. and that bugs me too..
I am also putting too much emphasis on looks.. good looking guy then what will I look like as  a girl.. I have no idea....
I am upset that testosterone ever hit my body.. I want it stopped....
My first  therapy session can not come fast enough... I just want the pain to stop.. and I don't understand why its such a big deal to me... and why I can't just cope and forget that my brain is female and always been..
Seems it would be easier to change my thinking that change my body.. ...
Thanks group for letting me talk.. I know its a downer.. I cry as  I write...
Carrie

[mrs izzy]

Stop trying to find or understand the answer to the why's. There is no answers because there is not any real question to find answers to.

You are you. No one else can see inside your soul and see the girl other then you.

Glad to see you are going to go to therapy. That is one of the most important things you can do for your early part of this path you will end up walking.

Safe passage on this path you will walk. Stay safe and true to yourself inside. Its all worth seeing tomorrow.

Izzy

[Tessa James]

Carrie, honey, please hang on.  You're the boss, you own the business and you raised kids while providing for your whole families needs.
Maybe now this is your turn?  You were an athlete once and you gotta know this is not a sprint but a cross country journey with uncertain terrain.
You have coped all your life but just coping is not a full life just as tolerance is not self acceptance.
Accepting ourselves is so major. 
Forgiving ourselves for waiting so long and for not knowing all there is to know just makes sense.
You are responsible for your health and recognizing what testosterone does clearly suggests a direction for treatment.  I can't believe how much better I feel after turning off the T.  I take my manaway pills faithfully.  You have so much to look forward to and the changes are really unknowable but more promising than a true dead end.
You know that crying is part of the process.  I cried more in my first months of transition than in my entire adult life.  Kleenex is everywhere.  Really feeling the depth of emotions and allowing ourselves to be whole is dramatic.  You are that complicated human who can laugh at adversity and sneer at the villains while crying when in pain.
Yes there are real loses but you may gain your real self and a sense of freedom that is pure sunshine.
Turn up the light!

[KatelynRain]

Hi Carrie!!  This is the beginning of your new life, and it's going to be the life that you've always dreamed of.   Accept yourself for who you are, and look forward to the future!!!  I can't wait for your first therapy session either - it sounds like you have so much stuff to talk about that has been bottled up over the years.  Your life is what you make of it.  Embrace it and let it be yours. 

[KatelynRain]

Oh, P.S... If you're a good looking guy, then you're probably going to be pretty cute as a girl too! (:

[carrie359]

KatelynRain and others.. thank you and I cry more... I appreciate the support... I am broken but sometimes we have to break to be put back together again.

KatelynRain,
Yea I get told by girls they wish they could only have my eyes nose cheeks... that kills me.. if only they knew...I have baby face..and I want to see it as female not male anymore... ...
I also am an amature body builder.. and know how to transform.. I may have the face but I have some damn big shoulders at 5-7..  so I am not lifting now.. just doing aerobics... in a sense I have started to transition.. trying to let the muscle go away...

It means so much to me to talk.. I know I can do it I just have to let the fear go.. maybe the therapist will help.
I think I can get my wife to help me only if she understands and gets educated.. If she runs to the church and everyone starts praying for me...well that may not go so well.
Carrie
PS.. The therapist tried to set an hour appt.... but I said I want two hours and have a lot to talk about... one hour and I would just be getting  started...

[Tessa James]

It is your turn to let it roll out and free up that inner chatty cathy   Very good to hear that have an appointment.

[Jenny07]

I feel your pain Carrie

It seem like an impossible mountain to climb but remember how do you eat an elephant?
One bite at a time.

With therapy, while a longer session might seem like a good idea, they can be really draining on both yourself and the therapist.
Think about how you are going to tell them and what you want from the session.

Also the 1 hour sessions will allow your therapist to work on things between sessions.

Last week it took me two sessions with a new therapist to dump out all of the history.
Next session will be just in the GD feelings. Can't wait.

I am sure you will feel a similar relief that I did talking about it with a understanding therapist.
Stay strong until then.

Jen

[carrie359]

Thanks Jen and Tessa
I will hang in there.....night time is the worst...good news is I have low T anyway... yea!!!
Carrie

[Rachel]

Carrie, hang in there. The time prior to my 1st therapy session seamed like an eternity. Between the time I scheduled my HRT and going on HRT was an eternity. You will get there and we are here for you in the interim.

[Cindy]

The true acceptance of ourselves does come with regret. There is not a woman here who has accepted herself and doesn't say "why didn't I do this years ago"

What is important is moving on. One day you will realise you have no past, just a future to embrace.

As for the therapy, small blocks are better than gut wrenching long sessions.

And hey, congratulations, be proud! You are doing it!

Cindy

[carrie359]

Thanks Cindy....
I have to travel about 100 miles.... the therapist I am using has helped some high profile individuals and very experienced .. I think I will go to one hour sessions after the first... two hours does seem like a long time..
Carrie

[Jamie D]

Sometimes tears come because of the realization.  This was true in my case - not because of what I might lose.  If I lost myself, there would not be enough kleenex to take cares of the tears.