Accepting Who You Are

[Simon]

There are a select few who know why I have been away from the site a few weeks. Long story short, my gf of almost a decade and I had a brief separation. Thankfully we are working on our issues, everything is great right now, I've moved back in with her, and we are in the planning stages of going to Washington DC in the next few months to be married. Yeah, things are pretty awesome right now.

The reason I am posting isn't to air my dirty laundry (but hey, who doesn't have some?) but to discuss some revelations I have had lately about myself and my transition. Maybe there are others who can relate.

I've come to accept myself as non-binary (whu whu what?!?). Yeah, you read that right. Now at almost 9 months on T I feel more comfortable with who I am. For many years I tried to perpetuate a stereotypical masculine heterosexual male role. I did it rather well...until it began to slowly eat at me. I can guarantee that I'm not the only transguy who has been through this and I certainly doubt I'll be the last. I don't feel like a man and I certainly don't feel like a woman. I am neither, and that is ok.

I still identify as a male in society. What I've come to terms with is I have always been ok with myself for the most part. For me, transition has been more about learning what makes me comfortable in society. How I am comfortably seen. A masculine shell helps me navigate this big crazy world with more ease. Inward I am the same as I have always been. I do believe T has balanced me out emotionally and I plan on staying on it for life. I still plan on having top surgery but I don't want bottom surgery...and that is ok.

After many hours long chats with my girlfriend about this we both feel more comfortable. She told me she identifies as a lesbian. She didn't try to influence any of my decisions in these matters but she is happy I'm not having bottom surgery. She does support me 100% in taking T and having top surgery. She thinks there are handsome men. She likes hairy chests, masculine features, etc. She just isn't into what cis males naturally have below the belt. I will say that the bedroom is a lot more fun now that I allow her to touch me as a male or a female, lol.

There is one thing that has bothered me a bit lately with all of this. My girlfriend wishes I would be more open about my identity and be unapologetic about it. She feels like me being stealth affects her identity. She feels like a huge part of her life goes unshared because she doesn't care to be seen as a heterosexual couple. By society in general that is fine but with her close friends she wishes she could share this part of our lives. That scares me. I don't even know how to go about that. I fear the invasive questions that may arise or being constantly rejected. I have given her the go ahead to tell one person and he is a gay male who performs in drag shows. I'm thinking he would be a comfortable first step in testing the waters.

Well, before this goes any longer the point of this is to never stop exploring. Never stop learning about yourself and listen to you. Why do many in the trans community feel like we need to fit in a certain category? We carry so much with us from the lives that we lived previously before transition. I don't want to block that out just so others will approve of what I am. At this point I don't plan on being completely out but I want to work on self acceptance and not give a rat's patootie who knows or who finds out. It'll take me a long while to get there and I never plan on shouting it from the rooftops. Self acceptance however is freedom.

[Adam (birkin)]

First off, I'm glad to hear that you and your gf/soon-to-be-wife have worked things out (I didn't know there were issues until now but either way). I also think it's really awesome that you have found out more about who you are and what makes you comfortable.

Honestly, I see what you're getting at with the whole stress thing. Something that's really hard for me is worrying that I'm going to be outed, constantly. I have a lot of people who know me from before, and while many, I think, are respectful enough to keep it to themselves, there are some who would not hesitate to tell others in conversation. I also worry...well, I do pass very well at this point, but there are a few people who can "read" my features so again I worry about those types of conversations and possible confrontations.

I think if you can get to a point where it matters less to you, more power to you. I've often wished I could feel OK with that - with not caring if people think I am male or female, if they know I am trans, etc etc. Not because I identify as non-binary, per se, but just because there's a lot of fear that surrounds trying to be stealth. It's hard because I want to be seen just as any other guy, nothing special, nothing different, just your boring regular dude. Those two desires - to be free from fear of outing/discrimination, and the desire to be...well, me (a guy), they fight a lot.

[Devlyn]

Thanks for opening up, Si. I'm glad you are working things out. Hugs, Devlyn

[Simon]

Something that's really hard for me is worrying that I'm going to be outed, constantly. I have a lot of people who know me from before, and while many, I think, are respectful enough to keep it to themselves, there are some who would not hesitate to tell others in conversation.

I've often wished I could feel OK with that - with not caring if people think I am male or female, if they know I am trans, etc etc.

For me, it has been and will continue to be a long process. Who to tell vs who not to tell. HOW to tell them and in what context. I really can't see myself telling anyone if I'm going to be honest about it. My gf just wants her very close friends to know about our lives. People see us as a vanilla heterosexual couple. She thinks that is fine in society of course but she feels like her identity gets lost in mine. That's really not fair to her and I agree.

The funny thing is the more I pass the more I feel like I have something to hide. Before I kinda expected to get sir or ma'am interchangeably. Now that I pass without question I always feel guarded in a sense. Maybe it's because I bind but there was always this giant worry of people finding out. I was finding it hard to make friends and kept people at arm's length. I dunno...for me it's just taking up too much energy and causing an unneeded amount of stress. It's just easier to not care, live my life on my own terms, and deal with issues if/when they come up in the future. I'm just tired of caring about it.

[Taka]

you might find it interesting to know that one of the things that made me not go for transition three years ago was that i feared just getting one more thing to hide. and this odd feeling that i'm not really completely male. i think i struggled with my feelings for over a year before finding this place and some information about the non-binary. now i'm really glad i didn't fall for the temptation to go all out man, i'd probably just gotten really miserable about still not being able to just be myself.

i wish you luck with this newfound identity. congratulations on getting on a good track with your girlfriend.

[Adam (birkin)]

For me, it has been and will continue to be a long process. Who to tell vs who not to tell. HOW to tell them and in what context. I really can't see myself telling anyone if I'm going to be honest about it. My gf just wants her very close friends to know about our lives. People see us as a vanilla heterosexual couple. She thinks that is fine in society of course but she feels like her identity gets lost in mine. That's really not fair to her and I agree.

That would be really hard for me to negotiate with someone. Because I understand where she is coming from, having at one time in my life hid parts of myself. But then...there's you and your comfort level as well.

The funny thing is the more I pass the more I feel like I have something to hide. Before I kinda expected to get sir or ma'am interchangeably. Now that I pass without question I always feel guarded in a sense. Maybe it's because I bind but there was always this giant worry of people finding out. I was finding it hard to make friends and kept people at arm's length. I dunno...for me it's just taking up too much energy and causing an unneeded amount of stress. It's just easier to not care, live my life on my own terms, and deal with issues if/when they come up in the future. I'm just tired of caring about it.

I'm so glad someone else said this because I was starting to think there was something wrong with me. T has been great for me, in so many ways, I feel more comfortable in my body, with myself, internally and externally. I'm happier. it's one of the best things I have ever done for myself. But prior to starting T I didn't pass, so I accepted it as my reality that I'd either have to let them think I was female, or come out. Now...it's not so black and white, and I don't really know how to handle that yet. People will read me as male, which is great, because that's who I am and I don't need any further explanation. But...what happens if they look really closely and notice that, even when binding, my chest is a little smooshed up on the front? Will they question it? Do I need to worry that there's going to be someone who thinks I "lied" and wants to out me as a result? Or hurt me? What if someone looks closely at my facial features and thinks "that person looks female...", "that person looks young." What if they hug me and feel my chest?

When I was sort of forced to be out as trans, people left me alone mostly because they had the "comfort" in knowing that while I was male-identified, I had a vagina, boobs, etc. Even the best intentioned people often wonder what's in someone else's pants. But me not being out, it makes some people speculate and their desire to know gets pretty strong. I'm sure most people assume I am a regular guy with a penis and all that, but there are some who just seem to pick up on things.

Honestly, I always felt bad about it because so many guys put on the front of "yeah, I'm finally seen as male, I am the happiest person in the world!" And I am happy to be seen as male too, but this newfound anxiety of being "found out" and wondering who to tell, and how, yeah, I don't seem to hear all that much about it. Or maybe I am looking in the wrong places lol.

[Simon]

That would be really hard for me to negotiate with someone. Because I understand where she is coming from, having at one time in my life hid parts of myself. But then...there's you and your comfort level as well.

She respects me and I think that is why I'm willing to try this with her. She would never tell anyone unless I am aware prior. I think a big thing with her is she has a lot of gay friends. She is masculine, wears men's clothing, spiked hair, yeah you get the picture...she looks like a stereotypical lesbian. When we first met all those years ago she was feminine but she was also barely 18. In many ways she has grow up with me and found herself as well. It's mainly her gay and lesbian friends she wants to tell. Which could be a good or a bad thing. I've had discrimination in the past from people in that community.

what happens if they look really closely and notice that, even when binding, my chest is a little smooshed up on the front? Will they question it? Do I need to worry that there's going to be someone who thinks I "lied" and wants to out me as a result? Or hurt me? What if someone looks closely at my facial features and thinks "that person looks female...", "that person looks young." What if they hug me and feel my chest?

That is exactly how I feel/felt for a long time. It wore me down, made me feel less than others, and slowly dragged me into being a recluse. That's really no way to live. Yes, in the past I have worked a bakery where I was required to wear an apron. They would fall to where you could see the center of my chest had a lump underneath. People talked behind my back, I know they did. Only one asked me if something was wrong with my chest. I lied and said I had gynecomastia and then I got really paranoid. Paranoid enough where I found another job soon after.

I am just tired of rearranging my life to hide "my big secret". Tired of avoiding situations, human contact, and leaving behind activities I once enjoyed. For example, in the past week I've went swimming twice at the local lake. There were tons of people there for Labor Day weekend. I wore shorts, a binder, and a t-shirt. Yes, I am sure people could see my chest wasn't typical when I would get out of the water, but I didn't care. I had fun and not a soul approached me about it. Why would they? I think once you pass to a certain extent people just chalk it up to you having a medical issue.

I'm not worrying about it any longer. My life isn't revolving around this "secret". I think people in general don't care. Yeah, there are ignorant ones but they're few and far between in my experiences. We've gotta live our lives before they pass us by and we're left with nothing but "the transition". I want more than that.

[Darrin Scott]

I'm really glad you shared all of this Si. I feel very similar. Although, I am not non-binary. I'm learning to accept myself and how my own dysphoria manifests itself. Sexually I'm not into being on the giving end necessarily. I actually prefer to receive. I think, for me, I live in some shame because of it and because I'm not entirely on the "straight heterosexual male" side. I'm actually bisexual and like both men and women sexually.

I know this isn't entirely about sex and how you relate to your girlfriend sexually, but it is a huge thing for me and my own self acceptance. Again, thanks for sharing and being open. It means a lot.

[Simon]

I'm really glad you shared all of this Si. I feel very similar. Although, I am not non-binary. I'm learning to accept myself and how my own dysphoria manifests itself. Sexually I'm not into being on the giving end necessarily. I actually prefer to receive. I think, for me, I live in some shame because of it and because I'm not entirely on the "straight heterosexual male" side. I'm actually bisexual and like both men and women sexually.

I know this isn't entirely about sex and how you relate to your girlfriend sexually, but it is a huge thing for me and my own self acceptance. Again, thanks for sharing and being open. It means a lot.

I'm glad to see that there are others who feel similar. I think many get caught into the trap that we MUST be this, that, or the other to be accepted as a guy by others but ultimately I think we're trying to prove it to ourselves in a sense. It's kinda funny but with me I was even trying to get into stereotypically masculine activities like working on cars. My gf has a lot of "car guys" in her family so I tried fitting in when I would much rather be in the house with the girls baking, lol. It has all come down to I'm going to be selfish in a sense and make myself happy for once. So what if I like cooking, shopping, and want to spend the day at the Zoo rather than at the track watching races. I just really loathe the pressure I ultimately put on myself. Nobody did this to me (well, societal demands maybe?) but I changed into something I didn't like.

As far as sexual activities, I understand where you're coming from. It was really close to ruining my relationship too. I got to where I could be touched here but not there...and oh no not there. My gf got sick of it. She was too worried about making me uncomfortable to just let go and do what she wanted. When I sat down and started thinking about things I realized that I was just hurting myself. I say I'm heterosexual because I've been in such a long term monogamous relationship but if I was single I'd sleep with men or women (cis or not). It's really all about what feels good and not putting limits on yourself simply because you're afraid of what someone would think. Who cares what anyone thinks except you and the person you're being intimate with? Being wrapped up in what you think you should be and sacrificing who you are to do it is hurting no one but you. If you enjoy something in the privacy of your own bedroom and so does your partner then do it.

[DriftingCrow]

Thanks for sharing Simon, I feel similar too (as you've probably seen in other posts of mine). While I'd prefer to have been born male, and transitioning in the future isn't out of the question for me, I feel much more comfortable now being somewhere in the middle (andro, or being in male dress one day and maybe more visibly female another). It is important, I think, that people really question how they feel about things to determine if how they feel is truly them our if it's from outside pressure.I have found that overall I don't really care how others perceive me, being called "she" doesn't really bother me, I can live without being completely flat, which leads me to concludethat I shouldn't transition right now. That doesn't mean I don't identify as male, I an just going about things on my own path (which is how it should be).  

(sorry for any spelling errors, Iam on my phone)

[Adam (birkin)]

That is exactly how I feel/felt for a long time. It wore me down, made me feel less than others, and slowly dragged me into being a recluse. That's really no way to live. Yes, in the past I have worked a bakery where I was required to wear an apron. They would fall to where you could see the center of my chest had a lump underneath. People talked behind my back, I know they did. Only one asked me if something was wrong with my chest. I lied and said I had gynecomastia and then I got really paranoid. Paranoid enough where I found another job soon after.

I am just tired of rearranging my life to hide "my big secret". Tired of avoiding situations, human contact, and leaving behind activities I once enjoyed.

So much of this resonates with me. I could see myself leaving a job for the same reason...my issue is, I have been avoiding finding ones. I've been waiting for teaching contracts to come up and even now, I am sweating bullets over the teaching. I want a part-time one but I think of all this stuff that could happen, and yeah. It's definitely no way to live and I think that to myself on a really regular basis. My problem is, I had a lot of well-meaning people just ask really rude and invasive questions when they found out I was transgender, and well-meaning people who upon knowing I was trans just for the life of them could not gender me properly. That was no way to live either, and in the same way as "having a secret", it wore me down, and also made me feel less-than.

In a way, it makes me angry, that there was someone who was looking at your chest that closely trying to figure it all out. What business is it of theirs what goes on under your shirt? Or under my shirt? If you're clearly presenting as male, that should be the end of discussion, no further speculation necessary.

[Simon]

I feel much more comfortable now being somewhere in the middle

The odd thing for myself is I now pass 100% male without question. I feel more comfortable presenting as male in society. It gives me confidence and has made me so much more outgoing towards people. I couldn't present as andro and I wouldn't want to. Just inwardly I don't feel like either. I have so many experiences in my life both ways that have formed who I am. I don't want to force myself to let that go. I really wish there was a third gender recognized by society. That is what I'd definitely be.

My problem is, I had a lot of well-meaning people just ask really rude and invasive questions when they found out I was transgender, and well-meaning people who upon knowing I was trans just for the life of them could not gender me properly. That was no way to live either, and in the same way as "having a secret", it wore me down, and also made me feel less-than.

Yeah, that is the Catch 22 in all of this. I hate the invasive questions that people feel they're privileged enough to ask a trans person for one reason or another. Things that they wouldn't dare ask another cis person. I have always tried to not get angry with people when they know and ask those questions. A simple "I understand your curiosity but some things I am private about" generally makes them back off. If not, I am blatant enough to tell them if they show me theirs I'll show them mine, lol. That has always made those people take a step back. All in all I am feeling better about everything including my gf sharing this with certain people. She flat out told me yesterday that she won't allow people to degrade me. No matter the person if anyone reacts with blatant rudeness she would cut them out of her life. I can't ask for anymore support than that.

[Adam (birkin)]

I'm really glad for what your gf said. It really does sound like she is trying to reach a fair compromise between respecting who you are and respecting who she is - not telling others without letting you know first, not allowing them to degrade you, etc.

A simple "I understand your curiosity but some things I am private about" generally makes them back off. If not, I am blatant enough to tell them if they show me theirs I'll show them mine, lol. That has always made those people take a step back.

I think I'm going to stash those responses away for my own use later, lol. It's good to know that they've worked well for someone else.

[Nero]

The funny thing is the more I pass the more I feel like I have something to hide. Before I kinda expected to get sir or ma'am interchangeably. Now that I pass without question I always feel guarded in a sense.

I felt the same way.

[GnomeKid]

I felt the same way.

+1

I feel kind of like its a bigger deal to tell people now that its not sort of obvious despite it not being really a big deal to me. I feel like they assume that it is.  awkies. 

As to your question say have a go at being more open, but I agree with your girlfriend.  I hate being seen as straight... despite the fact that I suppose I am now straight.  Really though, I think you'll find a lot more acceptance than you'd think!