Anyone else have this happen when they return to susans?

[LilDevilOfPrada]

First of all dont get me wrong I love Susans sure in my time here I have made enemies and friends, had a new account made due to my early HRT mental state BUT now I pose something I realised yesterday.

So as some of you know I pop back to Susans every few months reply to some threads etc then just vanish again and I noticed something when I leave Susans I feel well happy. Not because Susans makes me sad but when not using Susans I become ignorant to my pain. I ignore whats hurting and live life accepting the way life is.

To make this less vague when I come back to Susans I am bombarded with my fears, concerns and pain all over again. The realities of the journey seem to linger around me when I am not here, barely effecting me but when i rejoin the community I remember that my broad neck and shoulders wont get better, I wont pass without investing 10s of thousands of dollars into my face alone. That is but one example I have many other concerns as well we all do.

So I ask does anyone else find Susans a place that rather brings you baqck into reality, please dont think I see Susans negatively for this. It is rather the opposite as I believe it helps me remember that I am wasting time just living life guarded and unable to relax. When I return to Susans I wonder why is it that I just dont let people know who I really am and just stop hiding away panicing everytime someone bumps into my chest or forces me to hug them.(not as some toture but as a friend). WHen I dont use Susans I feel like the reason I wont let people close to me is fine and being alone because of the paranoia of someone finding out is only normal behaviour but then you read a thread and realise life isnt meant to be you suffering alone holding back my tears for only my cats bare witness to my pain.

So yea dont worry about cheering me up or anything I am just curious if anyone else noticed how in a way Susans makes you want to change your life and not feel like you need to hide your true self.( I apologise if my post is confusing language is not my best trait)

[Isabelle]

I check in once every few months these days but, rarely post anything. I think this site is good for those questioning things, whom just want to get the questions off their chests. It's a good sounding board for people. This forum doesn't "bring me back to reality"... If anything it's a departure. I find often that posts made by girls who're living as boys, closeted, questioning, pre transition etc tend to populate their worlds with imagined "demons" Being trans is fine. There's nothing wrong with it. Keep that in mind and treat all other fears as irrational.

[mrs izzy]

This forum doesn't "bring me back to reality"... If anything it's a departure. I find often that posts made by girls who're living as boys, closeted, questioning, pre transition etc tend to populate their worlds with imagined "demons" Being trans is fine. There's nothing wrong with it. Keep that in mind and treat all other fears as irrational.

Well said. Mainly the fears part, it is so true and sad most come to understand this way late. They end up loosing so much time chasing the bad and forget about the good.

Izzy

[Isabelle]

Also, Marx proposed a social/economic model that's referred to as Marxism. Communism was a complete corruption and was used to essentially enslave, torture and murder countless millions of people. Marx would be horrified by your attributing communism to him...

"Religious suffering is, at one and the same time, the expression of real suffering and a protest against real suffering. Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people.. ..The abolition of religion as the illusory happiness of the people is the demand for their real happiness. To call on them to give up their illusions about their condition is to call on them to give up a condition that requires illusions. The criticism of religion is, therefore, in embryo, the criticism of that vale of tears of which religion is the halo"

.... Sorry but your signature has irked me from the moment I first read it :p

[LilDevilOfPrada]

Also, Marx proposed a social/economic model that's referred to as Marxism. Communism was a complete corruption and was used to essentially enslave, torture and murder countless millions of people. Marx would be horrified by your attributing communism to him...

"Religious suffering is, at one and the same time, the expression of real suffering and a protest against real suffering. Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people.. ..The abolition of religion as the illusory happiness of the people is the demand for their real happiness. To call on them to give up their illusions about their condition is to call on them to give up a condition that requires illusions. The criticism of religion is, therefore, in embryo, the criticism of that vale of tears of which religion is the halo"

.... Sorry but your signature has irked me from the moment I first read it :p

Well you ruined my fun and well I originally made that my signature because a mod had me change my original signature for being considered insensitive. So I just put my favourite quote and said that.

Then onto my comment of back to reality. I dont intentionally refer to things like the over cuddling of people to make them feel better as is the purpose of this site at most times. I simply mean that the site helps me remember the endless issues I must overcome and so in that context bring me back into reality of what I must focus on.

Lastly because you pointed out the errors in my signature I will change it.

[mrs izzy]

For me this forum i was away for many, many years and just came back.
This forum will make one think more then sometimes they wish to. For me coming back has brought back a lot of memories of others that are not here by there hands to share our paths success story with each other. I feel cheated because it should never have to be a option.

But i live for me today, tomorrow and the next knowing i have walked this path i was given. I am more then happy to share a little back to those who wish to hear my story.

Izzy

[Anastasia E]

I find often that posts made by girls who're living as boys, closeted, questioning, pre transition etc tend to populate their worlds with imagined "demons" Being trans is fine. There's nothing wrong with it. Keep that in mind and treat all other fears as irrational.

A bit off topic (sorry OP!), but felt I had to respond to this.

I realize that the western world in general has gotten far more accepting, but there is still a long way to go and I am not sure all of our demons are imagined. To use myself as an example, I grew up in a quite narrow minded (not religious or anything, just.. conservative?) household where gays exist to be made jokes about, and trans people are nothing but a Thai tourist attraction. Whenever I consider telling my family about my issues, I see clearly a memory of my brother's goofy laugh while he mentioned that he just saw a "man in a dress", and explaining how he is probably trans and 'apparently thinks he can be a woman'.. rolling his eyes, while my parents and sister looks on with incredulous expressions. While I know that they just don't know, and are not trying to hurt me, just thinking about it still makes me feel sick to the stomach.

Most of my extended family lives close to my city (of around 200,000 inhabitants) and we are quite close, celebrating birthdays, christmas etc. together.. which is fine, except when the jokes about minorities start. Suffice to say, family dinners are not always great fun for me.. I think I once did dare comment 'you know.. statistically, we are 20 people around this table so at least one of us might be gay' after one particular bad incident.. but I am not very brave Lol. I didn't confront my trans issues until recently, but I have always been open minded and accepting of all people, to the point where my dad will make racist comments just to get a rise out of me. Who knows, maybe there is an active LGBT community just around the corner, but most days it feels like society around here is happy to pretend we don't exist.

Perhaps this has given me a skewed viewpoint to being different, but just about everything I have learned 'in life' up till now seems pointed to inform me, gently yet irrevocably that being trans is wrong. I am still convinced I am trans, and part of me wants nothing more than to transition.. but at what cost? I am not sure I am prepared to hurt my parents and lose contact with my family, not to mention the risks of being shunned by society. I was at a family members wedding this weekend, which only served to prove to me how rigid the gender roles are around here - men and women each following strict traditions. How would they deal with someone who is in-between? I have no idea, but it does not make me eager to be that person.

And even having said this, I recognize that in many ways I have it easy. There are trans girls out there who grew up in strictly religious homes, or in small towns where being clocked can get you killed - all you have to do is read the news. It's a scary world out there.

[Isabelle]

You're right Anastasia, and I don't mean to down play the very real dangers faced by people living under american style evangelical christo-fascist social pressures not to mention the sheer horror inflicted on women of all types by Islam and Sharia. My comments were more aimed at those whose primary concerns are steeped in expectation of physical norms and beauty ideals.

[kathyk]

I think your question is good and it might apply to a lot of girls out there.  But it seems most girls use the forum to relieve the day to day anxiety of private situations.  After all, where else can you ask anything about your life, show your fear, express pain, or just be happy with the world. 

I left Susan's in late winter because I was at a point where I had become very happy with my life and transition.  I also had two fantastic therapy groups for support, and a very open transgender social group in the East San Francisco Bay Area.  But since I moved to a super conservative part of Michigan there was a need once again to have someone else to talk to once in a while.  It's not the same as having a live and warm person who has a passionate interest in the life we each are living, but the forum is still a big help.

I'll leave Susan's again when I go back to California in mid November, but this time I won't close my account.  Susan's might be needed again.   

K

[Joanna Dark]

Well I have never really left Susan's long enough to give a good response but when I came here I wasn't really questioning or anything, i came because I was about to start HRT and I figured support would be good. Ad Susan's has been and is great in so many respects. Without it, I may have quite HRt who knows? But for me now I think it kinda distorts my trans reality because for me transition is the best thing that ever happened to me by far. It's changed my world in so many ways. But I hear all these horror stories of broken marriages, of years of HRT with no results, of stares and people laughing and pointing and dating problems, family problems, all kinds of stuff, and I guess it makes me feel incredibly lucky to have a semi-supportive family, a Bf who cares about me, passing privilege, and just a rather easy transition.

Granted I'm young and have no marriage or kids and am now 9 years out of college (oh god im not young!) but I can't say enough good stuff abut transition. the thing is I go out. I started going out and walking around and meeting people. That's how I met my BF or rather he came up to me and started flirting and he was really good looking so I went back to his house and that was that.

So, I guess sometimes I feel Susan's doesn't represent my reality, but everyone here is still trans so what I want to do now is tell people that your liufe really can change and for the better and that transtion isn't scary, it's beautiful. And that trans isn't something to be ashamed of, it's something you are. It just is. I used to hate being trans but now I don't. Maybe I'm just really lucky. i did find that Ace of Hearts last year and just knew my life would turn around as finding an Ace of hearts is one of the greatest good luck signs there is. I'm big into the occult. In fact, I am a witch. Literally. I converted to Wicca at 14, maybe 15.

I know this isn't exactly what the OP asked but I hope she doesn't mind

[warlockmaker]

I came to Susans because I wanted to learn more about our community and yes I did find many sad stories and all the points you have raised became know to me. I am really happy with finding the new ME and I have shared many positive spins to encourage and give hope to those that need it. I'm not the onlly positive spin weaver there are so many more with heart warming stories that have been shared. I look at the cup of life as always half full and I try to convey this.

[Jamie D]

What I find here is hope.

[Teela Renee]

This place, and my intense love for my roomie has literally been the only thing keeping me from trying to off myself again. I love this place.

[Lesley_Roberta]

I will reiterate my take on it.

Susan's place is friends (not family as some like to say, but friends). I consider the friendship worth MORE to me, as family isn't a choice, you are stuck with them whereas friends, it is a deliberate thing to call a person a friend.

I prefer to hang out with my friends, and sure, some days the hanging out can be what it is, just killing time with friends

But frankly, I suffer MORE when I go back to the 'real' world, as frankly, the real world, it has very little of worth to me.

I mean, look at it. I can point you to all manner of negative religious news items, science items where science is a mad gorilla out of control, then there is all the politics, which half the time is religion vs science with a side order of climate discussions.

And all the hassle of the modern world, which I think has gone too far down the road of too much tech.

Increasingly, I am finding myself wanting to say screw the real world, I want to retreat into worrying about dresses, and hair dos, and make up and new cooking recipes, and my hobbies like anime where it is all funny and some models and just close off and isolate and ignore the rest of the 'real' world.

My being TG and in the wrong body, yes it is a daily nuisance, a hassle I never stop thinking about. But really, the things that cause me the most depression are actually my disability, and my inability to support myself, and not own a home and if worrying all the time about my waist measurements prevents me from thinking about fybromyalgia, and if fussing over the cost of HRT and THAT surgery keeps me too preoccupied about no home and no workshop, I think it is the lesser of the hells that already ruined my 90s and the previous decade.

I am here, because the real world is nothing to talk about fondly.