Maybe I should have thought about it more first...

[cray]

Okay... first off, this is not my 1st account here. I'm signing up again because I don't want to care about who recognizes me and wonders why I'm posting this. If you do recognize me, sorry, just please don't address me by name

Sorry. I'm REALLY venting in this thread. I need to get this out somewhere. So, sorry.

I tried to avoid thinking of transition-related things. Like, because it's bad for me. Nothing good ever comes of it. But ignoring it is painful too. So now I'm gonna vent on this username, sorry, I hope that's not against the rules.

I don't know, I have a lot of problems other than being trans. If I were otherwise a normal person it would probably be easy to be trans. But combine it with anxiety/agoraphobia, depression, inferiority complex, isolation, BDD.... ugh, it's just a bad freaking cocktail. It's all just really bad, it doesn't mix well, it doesn't help me stay sane.

I so want to be happy as a girl, and I think by most measures I should be. I shouldn't have the right to complain, right? I pass, always, I have never been clocked. Not even in that sketchy period where I had just started HRT and presenting female and didn't have any confidence or comfort in my new life. I don't have any deal-breaking features, I'm not super tall, I'm not crazily proportioned. I don't naturally grow any sort of a beard, my torso is bare, whatever. My voice isn't perfect if you ask me, but everyone else says it passes, and over the phone with strangers, it's true, it does.

Despite all that, being trans is eating away at me. It's tearing up my soul. It was pretty much the perfect storm to amplify all my existing issues, and I just had to do it anyway. I was in a rough place though and transition seemed like it would solve all my problems. When I was living as a boy, I was shy and avoidant, afraid to act effeminate, I didn't have any friends, no boyfriends, because I was scared that people would hate me if they saw how miserable and unusual my life was. I didn't really have a personal identity, I just tried my best to fake fitting in when I got involved in anything.

Now after transitioning, it's the same story, PLUS I feel extra inferior because I'm not natural like other girls. I don't really have money, I haven't gotten anything done in my transition. I haven't had electrolysis (I pluck my face), I haven't had SRS or FFS or VFS or anything like that. Having to occasionally shave the fuzz off my face makes me hate myself, being afraid of when my voice will slip a little bit, being around girls who are laughing and screaming and w/e completely naturally super high-pitched and realizing I can't...
And to top it off, HRT didn't really do anything. IT made a little change, and that's all, so I feel like presentation is the only reason I pass, because I'm obsessive about my presentation. Then I see myself in some specific angle in the mirror and I just fall apart and hate myself--I just look like a guy to myself. I look so blatantly masculine to me that I think everybody must be able to tell.

Before I wanted to transition because I was a really femme person and I didn't like being constantly accused of not being masculine enough. But since I transitioned, now nobody cares if I'm femme or not, and despite that I even feel guilty for not being femme in every single freaking way cis girls can possibly be. I have become so critical of myself that I can't just be myself anymore. If a cis girl has a coach bag, I need a coach bag, not like I can afford one. If a cis girl does, I don't know, figure skating, I need to do it too. If a cis girl dyes her hair rainbow and puts bunny clips in it then I feel like sh** for not owning any bunny clips and having natural hair. And I especially feel like sh** for not looking, sounding, acting as naturally, unthinkingly femme as her, never having to question herself.

And lately I'm just like, what have I done to myself? This isn't what I wanted from my transition but I can't resist it. Back when I was a tween and actually had a life and wasn't even considering transition I felt so comfortable around girls and most of my friends were girls, now I'm terrified of them 'cause I feel like a complete fake and I'm terrified they'll realize that. I constantly have to change myself just to look like I'm naturally something that I'm naturally not. I don't want to make friends because I don't want anybody do know anything about my life, even though I'm so jealous of people who have friends, I'm so jealous of people who have a social life... I'm so so jealous of cis people in general.

And really, living my isolated life for so long, I've had trouble relating to people that didn't live this way. I dip in and out of caring about mainstream culture, but it's just not consistent it's all over the place and whatever I feel like, I don't really have much in common with people who live normal lives, which are most of the people I meet. Most people my age go to bars, go to school, have a part-time job... I have none of those things cause they're all too scary for me. And more than anything, I'm just not able to respect myself and protect my needs and wishes around people. I will always put their personality, their interests, dreams and goals above mine, I will always hide who I am and try to be more like them so they don't hate me. So it's so tiring.

So... yeah. Now I don't know what to do or where to begin to heal. I hate being trans and I can't fix the most pressing parts of it for years. I don't have any money. I can't even afford electro for my upper lip, let alone any form of SRS. I struggle just to afford my wardrobe and cosmetic stuff which, for me, I have to have.

And getting a job is utterly terrifying... not only is there all this crap, trans and otherwise mental-health stuff, I have a mild physical disability that makes it hard to do detailed manual things, for which there is no cure and which is not really publicly understood as even being a disability. Anxiety amplifies it, and I have a lot of that, so it turns out to be really bad and just feeds all my fears. I don't even feel in control of my body when I'm out doing things and I can't explain how hard that is to cope with, at least for me.

I really wish I could just detransition and be a femme gay boy but it's impossible. I'm stuck in the middle whichever direction I go. I didn't even pass 100% as a guy pre-anything and presenting male, and that was when my boobs weren't D cups, and I couldn't live anymore without having my personal style which is very femme, not to mention men's clothes don't even fit me anyway. Not like I have anything in common with straight cis men to begin with... I don't know when the last time was that I even interacted with a guy, aside from my bf, who wasn't just hitting on me in a store. Somehow I have managed to spend the last few years only interacting with girls. And anyway I already came out to all these people and made a few important relationships (bf and his family) as a girl.

I just hate this and I don't know what to do. Being trans is horrible. Having mental health problems is horribler. Why isn't there a reset button for your life??? What do you do when you just feel completely hopeless?

[Jamie D]

Cray, it's okay, you can post this here and don't worry about the other account for now.  What's important is you get feedback.

I can only speak for myself, but I think many of us would like to be completely cis*, but nature has said otherwise.  We physically, mentally, and/or emotionally aren't there.  And that causes terrible turmoil in our lives.

I "pass" as male, no one would doubt that I was male, at times I even act like a male (because I was socialized that way), but for me it is inauthentic.  And I don't have a ghost of a chance of ever matching my body to the soul inside.  I could refinance my house and have as much surgery as I wanted, and I don't think I would still be able to ever approximate how I feel.

So those feelings of yours are not foreign to me.  And a lot of us are scared how others will react to us, if they ever saw past the façade.  For me, it is terrifying.  Just the idea I could lose everything that is important to me.

I know that you are fearful of getting out into the world.  Let me assure you that you are attractive, and look completely cis to me.  It is going to take building up some inner courage.  How?  I can't say.  Maybe little steps.

And maybe the most important thing is loving the person you are.  Because you really are a nice person, even with your insecurities.  Really nice.  Like, I want to just hug you nice.  I have so much enjoyed getting to know you.

So, let's focus on finding that inner peace.  It starts with self-acceptance.

[cray]

But what am I supposed to accept? If I could just accept myself, I wouldn't have needed to transition in the 1st place. I'm not even really unhappy with myself (well... sort of, but). I'm unhappy with my circumstances, and I guess how they affected myself.

I could even love myself, but I am never gonna love my belly w/ loose skin that will never be flat, my hideous stretch marks all over my body, my hips that don't store any fat... all that kinda stuff. The problem was, people made HRT seem soooo amazing and I really believed that because I started femme I'd come out of it basically cis. Here I am like a year and a half of hrt later and I just want to laugh at myself for ever believing that, I look almost completely the same. Either other people had a good experience compared to me or maybe they hardly changed and were just fooling themselves too. Whatever, I don't know.

I just feel stuck. Cause I realized this is all there is for me, at least until I'm old when I can maybe actually afford to do anything about it. Like, I want to lose weight based on my weight alone. I hate weighing this much. But I'm really uncomfortable with having less face fat than I do now. So I thought, I'm on a full dose of HRT, why don't I gain weight? Maybe I will get some curves. 12 lbs later it all just went to my torso... my hips didn't change at all and my waist grew 2 full inches. And I don't think I get to blame genes when my mom is the peariest they come... So do I lose weight and have an even bonier face and feel less passable? Or gain and be fat and lose my waist:hip ratio??

Having to think like this just sucks. It feels like I just entered my 20s yesterday. I should be the happiest w/ my body I'm ever gonna be. But instead I just have this gross, miserable, confused and ruined body that I never feel okay with. It was bad enough when I was just a former fat person. But being trans on top... ugh. I never even got to know what it feels like to just feel ok with your body, and I never will, my whole life.

And so yeah, it sucks, it's like, what did I transition for? I can't say I feel much happier with my body because it doesn't look much different than before. Socially, at least as a gay boy I wouldn't have had to justify my gender to myself all the time. If I had made this journey in that direction, maybe I would be just as strong as I am now anyway, and maybe my femininity would have been just as accepted then. It feels like rather than bringing me closer to what I wanted to be, transition just proved to me all the things that I can never be.

I'm trying not to be depressed. I'm always trying. But mostly that seems to mean ignoring how I really feel about these things.And again, it makes me wonder what the point was. Why did I transition just to have to live my life on stoic mode because I'm so afraid of the reality??? When I actually think about it it makes me sick, I wanna puke. I just don't know how my life became this. I'm so tired of not being able to be anything I want to be. But body-wise it's not like I have anywhere on the body spectrum to aim for anyway 'cause I will never have a conventionally attractive body by either male or female standards. Female bone structure with a male fat pattern. That's not attractive in either of those directions.

I'm really sorry this is so negative, just the more I think about it, the more I want to cry. I just feel like such a waste of a human being. I can't even be happy no matter what. None of this probably even matters, I'm probably just a naturally sad and difficult person, or at some point became one and that will never change.

So Jamie D I don't know. Maybe it's not so bad to have not transitioned. At least you can have a life then. But I don't understand what's so good about being a girl. I wish I was born a cis boy, and been masculine and normal, I'd probably have lived so much happier and fuller of a life. But I'm not that person and I never could and never can be. Or a cis girl, which I could have been if I had been born as one, but it doesn't matter cause I don't think I'm strong enough to be trans and just move on like other people. How can someone move on from this empty void of a past life?

But at least I do feel like I'm building up more courage as time goes on... if anything just because I'm getting out more and feeling more routine and jaded about my flaws. Like I don't have the energy in me to care so hard and so consistently. It's not really how I imagined it... lol... but hopefully some day I can function at least, and find some other happiness that has nothing to do with any of this stuff.

[Jamie D]

It seems to me that you are asking yourself those age-old question of "Who am I?" and "Why am I here?"

I won't give you the philosophical answers; I give you my answers to those same questions.

I look at myself in the mirror every day, at my weird body, mostly male, partly female, damaged and permanently scarred.  And I ask myself, "What's the point?"  The temptation is to just give up and live out the rest of my life as the miserable male I have always pretended to be.  In doing so, my life expectancy would be, maybe, a few years.  When I had my heart surgery in 2006, the surgeon told me the average life expectancy after that type of surgery (excluding people who died on the table), was 12 years.  Part of the reason for that is some people don't change what they were doing to become diseased.

For me, that surgery was the beginning of trying to change and live a more authentic life.  I wasn't always successful, and the hypertension and disease wore at me.  And my dysphoria kept rearing it's ugly head.  I was just in my 40s when I was symptomatic for heart disease and other health problems.

I can't ever reclaim my youth.  I will never know what it is like to be seen as a young woman.  I will likely never have a hourglass figure.  But what I can do, is try my hardest to express my authentic self.  What has been called the esse.

Compared to me, Cray, you are the very picture of youth and health.  And having seen your pictures, I can honestly say that you really are quite attractive.  I would trade places with you in a heart beat.

If you had not transitioned (and really, you are just getting started), you would have been haunted by the dysphoria, full force.  Instead, you are dealing with it, as best you can.  You have an opportunity to make positive changes in your life.  Going back to school.  Getting out of your place and experiencing the world.  Making new friends.

Don't shut yourself away.  I can tell you from experience, my fears are always worse than the reality.  I just have to keep moving.  And I have taken some huge steps backwards recently, but I am not going to give up on myself.

And you should not give up on yourself either.  There is a good and loving heart inside of you.  Make sure you don't forget to love yourself.

[Ltl89]

Cray, there is nothing wrong with detransitioning, but I don't think that's what you want at all.  It seems your main issue is you set impossible expectations for yourself and then feel upset that you can't reach them.  The best thing to do is to discover what you want and reach for it.  However, your goals need to be realistic.  If you pass and everyone thinks your pretty, the problem is probably an internal doubt that you need to face.  Dealing with negative thoughts and creating a realistic sense of optimism will do you a lot of good.  Have you been in therapy?  It really can help if you find the right person.

Also, the things that seem unattainable aren't always out of reach.  SRS and hair removal can be acquired with money.  Yes, a lot of money, but you can earn it in time.  While you are currently unemployed, you can get something and start to save up.  I understand you have a disability, but there must be something you can do.  More important, however, is discovering if this is the right path.  IF you are considering SRS, then you want to deal with the detransition thoughts first.

Lastly, please don't compare yourself to others.  You are doomed to misery if you do.  I used to have people look up to me in school and work and wish they could succeed like I did (lol, what were they smoking); however, I am now in a huge rut and look at others with jealousy.  I wish I could have gotten a job working for a Politician in Washington D.C or locally like some of my friends did, and I am jealous of my friends who got into prestigious grad programs  Besides that, I look jealousy at all the other girls and hate how I look.  But where is that attitude going to get me?  All I can do is work hard and make my luck change as best as I can.  Things have been okay in the past and they will be okay in the future.  I can't compare myself to others.  Instead, I need to work on myself and worry about the direction of my own life.  That's the attitude that you need to develop.  Forget about everyone else.  What makes Cray happy?  What does she need?  What does she hope to accomplish in the short term and long term?  Once you answer these questions, start to develop a plan to reach these goals.  Yes, nothing is perfect in life, but many things can be achieved if you work hard and fight to make your dreams come true.

I'm really pulling for you Cray.  Remember, everyone is here for you. 

[cray]

It seems to me that you are asking yourself those age-old question of "Who am I?" and "Why am I here?"

I won't give you the philosophical answers; I give you my answers to those same questions.

I look at myself in the mirror every day, at my weird body, mostly male, partly female, damaged and permanently scarred.  And I ask myself, "What's the point?"  The temptation is to just give up and live out the rest of my life as the miserable male I have always pretended to be.  In doing so, my life expectancy would be, maybe, a few years.  When I had my heart surgery in 2006, the surgeon told me the average life expectancy after that type of surgery (excluding people who died on the table), was 12 years.  Part of the reason for that is some people don't change what they were doing to become diseased.

For me, that surgery was the beginning of trying to change and live a more authentic life.  I wasn't always successful, and the hypertension and disease wore at me.  And my dysphoria kept rearing it's ugly head.  I was just in my 40s when I was symptomatic for heart disease and other health problems.

I can't ever reclaim my youth.  I will never know what it is like to be seen as a young woman.  I will likely never have a hourglass figure.  But what I can do, is try my hardest to express my authentic self.  What has been called the esse.

Compared to me, Cray, you are the very picture of youth and health.  And having seen your pictures, I can honestly say that you really are quite attractive.  I would trade places with you in a heart beat.

If you had not transitioned (and really, you are just getting started), you would have been haunted by the dysphoria, full force.  Instead, you are dealing with it, as best you can.  You have an opportunity to make positive changes in your life.  Going back to school.  Getting out of your place and experiencing the world.  Making new friends.

Don't shut yourself away.  I can tell you from experience, my fears are always worse than the reality.  I just have to keep moving.  And I have taken some huge steps backwards recently, but I am not going to give up on myself.

And you should not give up on yourself either.  There is a good and loving heart inside of you.  Make sure you don't forget to love yourself.

Well thank you for your support, but I really just have to clarify that I don't necessarily relate to a lot of other people's trans experience. When you say that the dysphoria would haunt me, I think you might be projecting because like... in reality, I didn't have dysphoria until I transitioned. At least like other people do.

The thing is... I used to be in a really sheltered, emotionally oppressive family environment. It really messed with me... I was always a feminine person so I felt I couldn't express myself before. But I don't have like, a gender identity, like I didn't always want to be a girl, I always was/wanted to be feminine. And I actually mostly liked my body before because I was very un-masculine looking and yet I didn't have to feel like crap every time I compared it to cis girls because I didn't really feel the same urge to compare my body to cis girls. (it's the same body now anyway)

But then I kind of fell into transitioning and I don't really think I ever thought much about what I wanted to accomplish from transitioning... cause for a long time I thought I would never transition because I don't do those kinds of things, it would make me feel weird and freakish and uncomfortable, but somehow I met a guy who loved me as a girl and it just became like a given that I was going to transition, especially like, he gave me support I never expected to have for it and I liked (and like) being his girl and ... well I did transition....

And now ever since I've transitioned I hate myself for being trans, I hate myself for not looking as cis as most cis girls, I hate myself for having a penis, whatever. Since I transitioned it stopped being okay to just be what I am because if I was just okay being what I am I wouldn't have transitioned. Now I have this new female ego that I feel a desperate need to protect and all I get out of protecting it is more shame and self-hatred because it just reminds me of how much I'm thinking about what I'm supposed to be or what it would be good for me to be over what I actually just freaking want to be. But I won't be visibly trans. I refuse to do that. So I have to be stealth which means I have to lie and worry about even the sliver of a possibility that someone could clock me if I'm not constantly thinking about not revealing that I'm trans. I can't celebrate my femininity which is unique and IMO special for people born male-bodied because I'm too busy just feeling inferior and unfeminine around cis girls who are more physically feminine than me bar none, because that's how they're meant to be.

But like what am I meant to be? I guess the freak that I DO now feel like, because it's not like physically I was meant to be much of a guy anyway, transition or not. I have grown and matured a lot in my much happier living environment now despite all my struggles with being trans... but that's also made me more aware of the fact that there actually are femme boys, it's okay to be a femme boy and somehow they manage to live their life too. The only difference being that most femme boys CAN actually pass 100% as men, which if I tried to live as a femme boy, would be a real stretch, but then OTOH it feels like it would be better to just get misgendered a lot as a girl but tell people I'm not than to to be gendered as a girl all the time and feel pressured to lie and edit myself to accommodate that passing status.

So I don't know why you would trade places with me, you have a life and memories to look back on, I'm picking up the pieces after missing out on a decade of life I can never get back, I don't feel comfortable or like I fully fit in any world and more and more I wonder if I even can get by in any world other than the one where I go back to just running away from life, or I guess the one where I stop having standards and some kind of dignity.

Well, that's all very negative, just, I think old transitioners should value what they've got, because it seems like a lot of old transitioners want to be able to experience a full, rich life as BOTH genders and nobody gets to do that.

Anyway I just don't know what to feel about any of this and it was made harder by a friend of mine (who doesn't use this forum) who had a lot of the same feelings about transition just told me like yesterday that (now he) started detransitioning 2 weeks ago and has never been happier than as a femme gay boy. Ofc again it's not that easy for me and we don't have the SAME situation so yeah. We just had a lot of similar life details and feelings about transition. I just want to cry about these things but I don't know what to do with them. I also have built up a long list of triggers that always bring me back to them. I don't have an outlet (this stuff drives my bf CRAZY and I don't blame him but there's no therapist I would talk to about this kinda crap anywhere near where I live). It seems so unfair you know? I just feel like I'm never going to have the solidarity that I want. I can and am learning to love who I am as a person but I can't be okay with what I am and I don't know if I ever will.

[Jamie D]

I understand Cray.  It is very hard for us, at times.  I am almost three times your age, and you really have a better grasp on things than I do.  I just know from my life experience, how I have coped with the feelings.

I am really in no position to do anything but offer my support.  Job one, for all of us, is to figure out who the real person is inside.  You know you are feminine.  That's a start.  And you carry with that a lot of baggage your family laid on you.  That is also tough to get past.  I think that guilt trip is still with you, when you describe yourself as freakish.  You are not.

Maybe it would be best to just reassess where you are, who you are, and where you might be headed.  It is all about finding peace of mind and personal satisfaction.

If being transitioned does not feel right, then it's not right.  If feeling being a cismale is wrong, then it is wrong.  If a little bit of this, and a little bit of that makes you comfortable, go with it.  We have lots of non-binary members who have similar feelings.

Use us as a sounding board.  You know we care about you.  <3

[Doctorwho?]

At risk of butting in where I am not welcome can I just interject from the point of view of someone who does not have to struggle with these issues. I apologise if this is perceived as simplistic but I do feel it is important, and as I will endeavor to prove that I do understand this better than you might imagine.

The point is none of us can help but be what and whom we are. You can spend endless hours thinking and looking for the logical escape, but there isn't one. You are you, and the only thing you can do is be the best and most authentic you that you can.

I do not claim to be trans because I have never had to struggle to establish my identity in the way that most of you have, but neither do I claim to be cis - I am just me. My point is that a lot of your fears are the product of over-thinking things. When I am in the company of other women, I don't worry about whether or not I am authentic because I know that every woman is different, and each of us can only be ourselves. None of us know what it is to be someone else. So whether or not I was born with female genitalia makes no difference to the dilemma. Even if I was then I still may not experience the world in the same way as the woman next to me.



Now you may think "this is all very well but she can't possibly understand the valid self doubts that I have. I have good reason because I know that I wan't born with female parts. I know that I wasn't brought up as a girl. She however, presumably was, and therefore has no such internal doubts."

Well I may not have been trans but that does not mean that I have not had to go on my own journey's of becoming. This process of transition and the self doubt that goes with it is not unique to those having issues with gender. For example my current transition from lay person to medical professional.

Trust me, when I sit in my class of fellow medical students I am plagued by exactly the same doubts. Are they somehow real trainee doctors while I am a fraud somehow? I often feel that this may be the case. I have come relatively late to medicine. Some of my fellow students could just about be my children. Some of them have grown up and been socialised in a clinical environment thanks to mummy or daddy. Some of them have already played the role in some other way. I have not - therefore I worry that I do not know how they think, and how I should behave in their lofty company. I feel as though I am a late transitioner to medicine and that some of those "born to it" will never accept me as genuine.

So I do understand more that you can imagine, but I also know that this is complete crap, it's my own deep subconscious throwing up spooks, and therefore I will simply say to you what others have said to me at such times of doubt.

Have more faith in yourself. Decide what is the authentic you, and then OWN IT. Be proud of who and what you decide that you are, because whatever that is, it is all you've got, so you may as well learn to like it.

I may have come late to medicine, and therefore have a lot to learn, but in a very real sense I have been a medic all my life, I just haven't admitted it until now.

Now apply that same logic to your own situation.

[Beth Andrea]

Before I wanted to transition because I was a really femme person and I didn't like being constantly accused of not being masculine enough. But since I transitioned, now nobody cares if I'm femme or not, and despite that I even feel guilty for not being femme in every single freaking way cis girls can possibly be. I have become so critical of myself that I can't just be myself anymore. If a cis girl has a coach bag, I need a coach bag, not like I can afford one. If a cis girl does, I don't know, figure skating, I need to do it too. If a cis girl dyes her hair rainbow and puts bunny clips in it then I feel like sh** for not owning any bunny clips and having natural hair. And I especially feel like sh** for not looking, sounding, acting as naturally, unthinkingly femme as her, never having to question herself.

You make it sound like your perspective on life is that it is a competition.

It's not. Live *your* life, no one else's. When you hear that damnable little critic inside your head saying "See? She has this, and that, and the other thing...you need it, too", just tell it to STFU. (We all have critics inside, btw. Some of us have more than one)



When you find yourself wanting (for example) to ice skate because you saw a cis-woman skating...relax. Ask yourself if you wanted to do that before, or after seeing her? If it was after...just dismiss the thought (and the guilt) at once. You don't need to do that to "prove" your womanhood. Nobody will know that you decided to not ice skate, because you hadn't told anyone you planned on ice skating...because it is not YOU. If "you" are not that into ice skating...then YOU should not feel guilty about it.

I can't explain it more than that...kinda like writing about how to ride a bicycle, it is probably impossible...you just gotta grit your teeth and DO IT.

About the last comment, "never have to question herself"...you don't know that. Many people (men and women) question themselves 24/7. They just don't let the questioning get so bad that life is not tolerable...if life is difficult because you question yourself too much or too often...stop questioning yourself! Make your mind STOP asking those questions.

(And I realize that if you use the "bang your head with a hammer" approach, it won't work. Like if I said, "Don't think about pink elephants..nope, no pink elephants...stop thinking about pink elephants, dammit! have you forgotten about pink elephants yet? No? (insert abusive tirade here)....")

Just relax...change/redirect your thoughts.

"Oh, look at her! She's ice skating! I have to do that!"

"No, we don't have to. Let's go for a walk instead."

"Ok, let's go to the store and buy some skates..."

"Don't need skates. Would you like some pink shoelaces instead?"

"No! I want skates!"

"You don't like skates. It was never mentioned until we saw her skating. Would you like to go to a park and watch people skating? Then we can go on a swing!"

etc etc. Just redirect the thought(s) you're having to something that is pleasurable, and something that you really want. Let other people have their kind of fun...you have yours.

[JLT1]

There are some complex issues here and they are intertwined to the degree that it can be very confusing and seem essentially one massive insurmountable difficulty. When I have faced this type of entanglement, I think back to what I was told by my psychologist:  treat them separately and tackle some part of a couple problems each week.

Your body conscious and think you should look differently.  Jamie says you look great.  I'm thinking Jamie is correct but you are facing the similar body issues that most cis/trans-women face.  No matter how good we look, we always see the flaws.  Some of the flaws you note can be dealt with – there is a cream that will work to eliminate stretch marks. Loose skin can go away with exercise unless it has been over 200 lbs weight loss or your over 50. But no one will ever be perfect if for no other reason, some people like big hips and some like small hips, some like large breasts while other like small breasts.  There really is no perfection.  Work on those problems you can solve.

You have led a more or less restricted life.  You need to get out more but you have problems doing so.  Get out to place that are less threatening, like group therapy.  Start there or someplace like that and start small.

Maybe there are other problems to attack and other ways to attack.  Just remember, it's one step at a time.  Separate things out, prioritize them according to a: importance and then b.  ability to solve.  Take the first one on each list and get started.
I don't know who you are.  I only wish you well and there was more I could do make a post.

Hugs,
Jen       

[kelly_aus]

Now after transitioning, it's the same story, PLUS I feel extra inferior because I'm not natural like other girls. I don't really have money, I haven't gotten anything done in my transition. I haven't had electrolysis (I pluck my face), I haven't had SRS or FFS or VFS or anything like that. Having to occasionally shave the fuzz off my face makes me hate myself, being afraid of when my voice will slip a little bit, being around girls who are laughing and screaming and w/e completely naturally super high-pitched and realizing I can't...
And to top it off, HRT didn't really do anything. IT made a little change, and that's all, so I feel like presentation is the only reason I pass, because I'm obsessive about my presentation. Then I see myself in some specific angle in the mirror and I just fall apart and hate myself--I just look like a guy to myself. I look so blatantly masculine to me that I think everybody must be able to tell.

I haven't had any surgery and I still live my life as a happy and well accepted woman. I'm unemployed and broke. I've had poor results from HRT - I barely fill a AA cup, so when you say you have D cups, I've kina got to wonder what you class as bad results..

Before I wanted to transition because I was a really femme person and I didn't like being constantly accused of not being masculine enough. But since I transitioned, now nobody cares if I'm femme or not, and despite that I even feel guilty for not being femme in every single freaking way cis girls can possibly be. I have become so critical of myself that I can't just be myself anymore. If a cis girl has a coach bag, I need a coach bag, not like I can afford one. If a cis girl does, I don't know, figure skating, I need to do it too. If a cis girl dyes her hair rainbow and puts bunny clips in it then I feel like sh** for not owning any bunny clips and having natural hair. And I especially feel like sh** for not looking, sounding, acting as naturally, unthinkingly femme as her, never having to question herself.

I spent 15+ years living as a femme gay guy, I always felt like one.. It was a lie.. A giant lie.

And guess what? Not all cis girls are femme.. Not all of them are 'perfect' girls.. And man, many of them are self-critical and will question themselves: 'Am I attractive enough?' 'Do these pants suit me?' Sure, the questions may be slightly different, but they still question themselves. I'm far from being a femme woman - but a woman I undoubtedly am..

And lately I'm just like, what have I done to myself? This isn't what I wanted from my transition but I can't resist it. Back when I was a tween and actually had a life and wasn't even considering transition I felt so comfortable around girls and most of my friends were girls, now I'm terrified of them 'cause I feel like a complete fake and I'm terrified they'll realize that. I constantly have to change myself just to look like I'm naturally something that I'm naturally not. I don't want to make friends because I don't want anybody do know anything about my life, even though I'm so jealous of people who have friends, I'm so jealous of people who have a social life... I'm so so jealous of cis people in general.

In the last few years before I started transition, I had fairly well isolated myself.. But before that, stretching back to my childhood, most of my friends were girls. I have a reasonable social life now, but I had to go out and make it happen. I don't present a certain way for me friends, I present as me. I'm a butchy femme lesbian, presenting as anything else just seems fake to me..

And really, living my isolated life for so long, I've had trouble relating to people that didn't live this way. I dip in and out of caring about mainstream culture, but it's just not consistent it's all over the place and whatever I feel like, I don't really have much in common with people who live normal lives, which are most of the people I meet. Most people my age go to bars, go to school, have a part-time job... I have none of those things cause they're all too scary for me. And more than anything, I'm just not able to respect myself and protect my needs and wishes around people. I will always put their personality, their interests, dreams and goals above mine, I will always hide who I am and try to be more like them so they don't hate me. So it's so tiring.

So... yeah. Now I don't know what to do or where to begin to heal. I hate being trans and I can't fix the most pressing parts of it for years. I don't have any money. I can't even afford electro for my upper lip, let alone any form of SRS. I struggle just to afford my wardrobe and cosmetic stuff which, for me, I have to have.

And getting a job is utterly terrifying... not only is there all this crap, trans and otherwise mental-health stuff, I have a mild physical disability that makes it hard to do detailed manual things, for which there is no cure and which is not really publicly understood as even being a disability. Anxiety amplifies it, and I have a lot of that, so it turns out to be really bad and just feeds all my fears. I don't even feel in control of my body when I'm out doing things and I can't explain how hard that is to cope with, at least for me.

I really wish I could just detransition and be a femme gay boy but it's impossible. I'm stuck in the middle whichever direction I go. I didn't even pass 100% as a guy pre-anything and presenting male, and that was when my boobs weren't D cups, and I couldn't live anymore without having my personal style which is very femme, not to mention men's clothes don't even fit me anyway. Not like I have anything in common with straight cis men to begin with... I don't know when the last time was that I even interacted with a guy, aside from my bf, who wasn't just hitting on me in a store. Somehow I have managed to spend the last few years only interacting with girls. And anyway I already came out to all these people and made a few important relationships (bf and his family) as a girl.

I just hate this and I don't know what to do. Being trans is horrible. Having mental health problems is horribler. Why isn't there a reset button for your life??? What do you do when you just feel completely hopeless?

You seem to have a few issues relating to self-acceptance.. I'm a woman, no questions, no arguments.. Can you say the same? Being trans isn't great, but it could be much, much worse.. It seems to me you need to work out just who and what you are - for you, not any one else..

[eli77]

You are right. It's extremely rough dealing with being trans on top of a bunch of other crap. If I could ditch some of my baggage, I don't even think the trans thing would be the first to go. And I seriously hate being trans most of the time.

And part of recognizing how rough dealing with that is, is giving yourself a bit of a break. You are being SO hard on yourself. Like absolutely brutally self-critical. To me, you've always seemed pretty damn together, especially for all the crap you are dealing with. You look great, you have a great relationship, you've gotten yourself out of a bad situation with your family, and started to build a life for yourself. Give yourself a bit of credit for all that. Offer yourself a bit of kindness. Or if you can't do it yourself, go to your guy and tell him to tell you how great you are--I seriously doubt he'd have any trouble with that.

I can't offer any suggestion on the transition/detransition thing. That's all you. In the end, only you can know what's right for you there. And either way, the only thing that matters there is what gives you your best shot at happiness. But please try to work on the self-hatred stuff first. It's messing with your perceptions like crazy. I get that part of it, depression and anxiety kind of run in my family, and I've had some really rough periods. I still have days sometimes where all the ugliness wells out of somewhere in me and everything looks bleak. My sister describes it like her vision just darkens, like she can't see good things anymore when it comes.

It's important to try to remember that you aren't seeing the world the way it really is. Try to trust the perceptions of people around you, because they're probably seeing things better than you are. I also find it helps to think of progress--like think back to how things were a year ago or two years ago, and how now compares to then, what's gotten better in that time. And then the regular anti-depression advice: exercise helps for endorphins, getting out of the house can help clear your head because of the change in environment, doing comfort things--favourite book, movie, etc., talking it through with someone you trust, having some kind of structure in your life--things you do every day.

And remember you are damn tough for surviving all this stuff. Whatever you decide for yourself, you have all my respect.

What do you do when you just feel completely hopeless?

You keep going until it gets better. And it will get better.

[cray]

I understand Cray.  It is very hard for us, at times.  I am almost three times your age, and you really have a better grasp on things than I do.  I just know from my life experience, how I have coped with the feelings.

I am really in no position to do anything but offer my support.  Job one, for all of us, is to figure out who the real person is inside.  You know you are feminine.  That's a start.  And you carry with that a lot of baggage your family laid on you.  That is also tough to get past.  I think that guilt trip is still with you, when you describe yourself as freakish.  You are not.

Maybe it would be best to just reassess where you are, who you are, and where you might be headed.  It is all about finding peace of mind and personal satisfaction.

If being transitioned does not feel right, then it's not right.  If feeling being a cismale is wrong, then it is wrong.  If a little bit of this, and a little bit of that makes you comfortable, go with it.  We have lots of non-binary members who have similar feelings.

Use us as a sounding board.  You know we care about you.  <3

Thank you... I think I am slowly reassessing like you said, piece by piece. I have my happy moments and ones where I think it can all work, it's just that for me, the bad moments are devastating and it seems to take almost nothing to trigger them. I just wish I could let go of that sadness and accept all the things I know about being happy, but when it happens it just feels like it's a part of me, not something I'm carrying.

At risk of butting in where I am not welcome can I just interject from the point of view of someone who does not have to struggle with these issues. I apologise if this is perceived as simplistic but I do feel it is important, and as I will endeavor to prove that I do understand this better than you might imagine.

The point is none of us can help but be what and whom we are. You can spend endless hours thinking and looking for the logical escape, but there isn't one. You are you, and the only thing you can do is be the best and most authentic you that you can.

I do not claim to be trans because I have never had to struggle to establish my identity in the way that most of you have, but neither do I claim to be cis - I am just me. My point is that a lot of your fears are the product of over-thinking things. When I am in the company of other women, I don't worry about whether or not I am authentic because I know that every woman is different, and each of us can only be ourselves. None of us know what it is to be someone else. So whether or not I was born with female genitalia makes no difference to the dilemma. Even if I was then I still may not experience the world in the same way as the woman next to me.



Now you may think "this is all very well but she can't possibly understand the valid self doubts that I have. I have good reason because I know that I wan't born with female parts. I know that I wasn't brought up as a girl. She however, presumably was, and therefore has no such internal doubts."

Well I may not have been trans but that does not mean that I have not had to go on my own journey's of becoming. This process of transition and the self doubt that goes with it is not unique to those having issues with gender. For example my current transition from lay person to medical professional.

Trust me, when I sit in my class of fellow medical students I am plagued by exactly the same doubts. Are they somehow real trainee doctors while I am a fraud somehow? I often feel that this may be the case. I have come relatively late to medicine. Some of my fellow students could just about be my children. Some of them have grown up and been socialised in a clinical environment thanks to mummy or daddy. Some of them have already played the role in some other way. I have not - therefore I worry that I do not know how they think, and how I should behave in their lofty company. I feel as though I am a late transitioner to medicine and that some of those "born to it" will never accept me as genuine.

So I do understand more that you can imagine, but I also know that this is complete crap, it's my own deep subconscious throwing up spooks, and therefore I will simply say to you what others have said to me at such times of doubt.

Have more faith in yourself. Decide what is the authentic you, and then OWN IT. Be proud of who and what you decide that you are, because whatever that is, it is all you've got, so you may as well learn to like it.

I may have come late to medicine, and therefore have a lot to learn, but in a very real sense I have been a medic all my life, I just haven't admitted it until now.

Now apply that same logic to your own situation.

Thank you doctorwho...

Relating it that way definitely helps. Actually, I wanted to get in the medical field like you, well to become a nurse but I have the same kinda problems, but I do let them sabotage me. I gave up on the idea of being a nurse because I have an essential tremor that works in a loop with anxiety. I can look composed normally and the tremor only becomes obvious on more difficult hand movements, but I just start more visibly shaking at even the mildest levels of anxiety, often before I even feel at all anxious, and that makes me more anxious and before I know it I'm having a full-blown panic attack.

So I just asked myself... as a nurse, how could I treat a patient when my hands are shaking? I wouldn't inspire confidence in them because they would think I'm nervous and they wouldn't trust me to treat them.

But then, it's hard to feel confident doing any job when you don't feel in control of your body. I've still never actually had a job and I'm at the age where people are usually starting to finish college and may have worked part-time for 4,5,6 years or so.

Probably the part I struggle with it most is how invisible the real problem is to people. If they see me shaking, they always ask, why are you nervous? And I can tell them I'm not nervous, I just have a thing, but their comment never goes away in my head. I still have such strong memories of pretty much every time in my life that someone's asked me why I'm shaking or noticed it. It's hard to let those things go because it's an area where I feel vulnerable and the least in control.

But then... you know, when I asked a nurse about it, she said she had known nurses and drs with a tremor and somehow, they got through med school, they got those jobs and kept them. Did that make me reconsider being a nurse? No but I think it is important.... I mean I already know that everyone in life has all kinds of things they struggle with, everyone has their thing, some more than others, and they still make it work somehow. It's probably just that I have a low threshold and not enough self-confidence to make it up with, and that's why this all becomes so paralyzing to me and anyone who feels the way I do. I'm happy to hear that you dealt with your fears about the medical world. and I know that ultimately all we can do is build our self-confidence.

But I just don't know... for someone who DOES have a very low threshold for this type of stuff before really really feeling the urge to give up, when does it become not worth it? I just can't find the line between when these things are too much grief to be worth overcoming, or there's actually too many problems for them to work, vs. when they are actually a very beatable obstacle.

So thanks! Your post does relate very much to transition, in a couple ways especially... the hard one of those being that I have to ask myself if I transitioned in the first place because I was similarly afraid of being an out gay femme boy. Before transition I was slowly allowing myself to feminize my style more and more, but really, the bottom line was I was terrified, mainly of what my family would say/do. I can see how my old living environment created that fear. But now that I've come so far I do wish I had tried just being an unapologetic femme boy first before suddenly switching to living as a girl fulltime.

You make it sound like your perspective on life is that it is a competition.

It's not. Live *your* life, no one else's. When you hear that damnable little critic inside your head saying "See? She has this, and that, and the other thing...you need it, too", just tell it to STFU. (We all have critics inside, btw. Some of us have more than one)



When you find yourself wanting (for example) to ice skate because you saw a cis-woman skating...relax. Ask yourself if you wanted to do that before, or after seeing her? If it was after...just dismiss the thought (and the guilt) at once. You don't need to do that to "prove" your womanhood. Nobody will know that you decided to not ice skate, because you hadn't told anyone you planned on ice skating...because it is not YOU. If "you" are not that into ice skating...then YOU should not feel guilty about it.

I can't explain it more than that...kinda like writing about how to ride a bicycle, it is probably impossible...you just gotta grit your teeth and DO IT.

About the last comment, "never have to question herself"...you don't know that. Many people (men and women) question themselves 24/7. They just don't let the questioning get so bad that life is not tolerable...if life is difficult because you question yourself too much or too often...stop questioning yourself! Make your mind STOP asking those questions.

(And I realize that if you use the "bang your head with a hammer" approach, it won't work. Like if I said, "Don't think about pink elephants..nope, no pink elephants...stop thinking about pink elephants, dammit! have you forgotten about pink elephants yet? No? (insert abusive tirade here)....")

Just relax...change/redirect your thoughts.

"Oh, look at her! She's ice skating! I have to do that!"

"No, we don't have to. Let's go for a walk instead."

"Ok, let's go to the store and buy some skates..."

"Don't need skates. Would you like some pink shoelaces instead?"

"No! I want skates!"

"You don't like skates. It was never mentioned until we saw her skating. Would you like to go to a park and watch people skating? Then we can go on a swing!"

etc etc. Just redirect the thought(s) you're having to something that is pleasurable, and something that you really want. Let other people have their kind of fun...you have yours.

Thanks. I just want to say though that I don't think it's even competitive, it's more like I feel bad about myself if I don't do those things because it makes me feel unfeminine (not like not a woman, again, I don't really know what it means to feel like a woman) and like it's a symptom of being born how I was. Sometimes it's because I actually really like those things when I see them though and get jealous. I like too many things that are stereotypically feminine though and I get completely overwhelmed by trying to be involved in them all. I don't really do the overcompensating thing or have any urge to, honestly my presentation always ends up way more drab and conservative than I really would want it to be, but it is easy to make me feel bad about not being able to do all those things I want to do since it feels like it's because I haven't had a lifetime to do them like other girls, or until recently, the support in doing them. And somehow not having that when they always did, and when everybody else just assumes I did too, just really makes me feel like crap.

I mean I guess it is partly about being afraid of people finding out I'm trans, but I probably worded it wrong before, because I don't really feel these things around all cis women, only women who obviously care about being feminine. But a component of it is always because it's what I want to be, not just that I feel like I need to. Like, I didn't have any of these problems with masculinity when I was living as a boy. I was incredibly unmasculine and didn't feel bad in the slightest around masculine men, didn't feel the slightest urge to act more masculine or anything... (though I was afraid to act feminine because I had gotten so much hate for it...)

I'm sorry, I don't know if I made a lot of sense here? Ugh!!

Just because your trans doesn't mean that you need to over compensate and be "ultra femme" even if you don't feel it. Some people think that is the case and sorry, I don't buy that.

I look at many of the chicks in my town and they are nowhere near "femme." That whole "femme" thing is mostly an over idealizing of what it means to be a woman, in my opinion. I've known many women (both young and older) that hate all of that crap and don't bother with it. If they do, it's minimal at best.

Speaking for myself, I don't bother with skirts, dresses, heels, make-up or any of that crap. It isn't me and if I wore that stuff, it would be just as much of a "pose" as it was for me when I was in the closet and had to play the male role. (which I failed at miserably, anyway.)

I just wear plain womens tops, womens jeans and sneakers. I get by just fine.

Same as above... I actually like those things. It's more like the exact opposite, I feel like I need to be a woman to accommodate liking and especially doing those things, and in the end I'm afraid that maybe being a woman itself is a form of overcompensation for me.

I haven't had any surgery and I still live my life as a happy and well accepted woman. I'm unemployed and broke. I've had poor results from HRT - I barely fill a AA cup, so when you say you have D cups, I've kina got to wonder what you class as bad results..

Well sadly, as ever before the boobs are the only real change, fat hasn't moved and I'm pretty sure by now--like 16 months? that it's never going to. I take my measurements religiously and bust is the only one that has had any long-term change or been visibly different in my transition. My boobs are even basically all breast tissue. For reference, 32D is the sister size of 34C and 36B, so even if we say D, it's not like I have giant boobs or something, though they're definitely to the extent that I would need top surgery if I detransitioned...

I probably sound like I'm asking for too much but it sucks to have a really feminine body on one hand combined with a completely unfeminine fat pattern. I'll never feel natural because of it though, nor do I really feel "transitioned" physically, only socially... aside from having allowed myself to gain 5ish lbs to look less gaunt in the face, the most dramatic change aside from makeup/clothes is how I shape my brows now and I have to maintain that every few days.

I spent 15+ years living as a femme gay guy, I always felt like one.. It was a lie.. A giant lie.

And guess what? Not all cis girls are femme.. Not all of them are 'perfect' girls.. And man, many of them are self-critical and will question themselves: 'Am I attractive enough?' 'Do these pants suit me?' Sure, the questions may be slightly different, but they still question themselves. I'm far from being a femme woman - but a woman I undoubtedly am..

You seem to have a few issues relating to self-acceptance.. I'm a woman, no questions, no arguments.. Can you say the same? Being trans isn't great, but it could be much, much worse.. It seems to me you need to work out just who and what you are - for you, not any one else..

Yeah I definitely can't say the same, but OTOH I don't know what that means. I mean, maybe being a woman is an extension of me (because it's something I did to suit the person I am), but in terms of feeling like a woman, the only reason I feel like a woman at all is because I've lived as a woman for a while. But I never felt like a man either so?

I'd probably be perfectly happy as a femme agender person but I don't see the point because you can't really live like that. If I said I was agender to anyone in my life, basically nobody would get it, and I don't have the kind of social circle where anyone would care anyway...

I haven't had any surgery and I still live my life as a happy and well accepted woman. I'm unemployed and broke. I've had poor results from HRT - I barely fill a AA cup, so when you say you have D cups, I've kina got to wonder what you class as bad results..

Well sadly, as ever before the boobs are the only real change, fat hasn't moved and I'm pretty sure by now--like 16 months? that it's never going to. My boobs are even basically all breast tissue. For reference, 32D is the sister size of 34C and 36B, so even if we say D, it's not like I have giant boobs or something, though they're definitely to the extent that I would need top surgery if I detransitioned...

I spent 15+ years living as a femme gay guy, I always felt like one.. It was a lie.. A giant lie.

And guess what? Not all cis girls are femme.. Not all of them are 'perfect' girls.. And man, many of them are self-critical and will question themselves: 'Am I attractive enough?' 'Do these pants suit me?' Sure, the questions may be slightly different, but they still question themselves. I'm far from being a femme woman - but a woman I undoubtedly am..

You seem to have a few issues relating to self-acceptance.. I'm a woman, no questions, no arguments.. Can you say the same? Being trans isn't great, but it could be much, much worse.. It seems to me you need to work out just who and what you are - for you, not any one else..

Yeah I definitely can't say the same, but OTOH I don't know what that means. I mean, maybe being a woman is an extension of me (because it's something I did to suit the person I am), but in terms of feeling like a woman, the only reason I feel like a woman at all is because I've lived as a woman for a while. But I never felt like a man either so?

You are right. It's extremely rough dealing with being trans on top of a bunch of other crap. If I could ditch some of my baggage, I don't even think the trans thing would be the first to go. And I seriously hate being trans most of the time.

And part of recognizing how rough dealing with that is, is giving yourself a bit of a break. You are being SO hard on yourself. Like absolutely brutally self-critical. To me, you've always seemed pretty damn together, especially for all the crap you are dealing with. You look great, you have a great relationship, you've gotten yourself out of a bad situation with your family, and started to build a life for yourself. Give yourself a bit of credit for all that. Offer yourself a bit of kindness. Or if you can't do it yourself, go to your guy and tell him to tell you how great you are--I seriously doubt he'd have any trouble with that.

I can't offer any suggestion on the transition/detransition thing. That's all you. In the end, only you can know what's right for you there. And either way, the only thing that matters there is what gives you your best shot at happiness. But please try to work on the self-hatred stuff first. It's messing with your perceptions like crazy. I get that part of it, depression and anxiety kind of run in my family, and I've had some really rough periods. I still have days sometimes where all the ugliness wells out of somewhere in me and everything looks bleak. My sister describes it like her vision just darkens, like she can't see good things anymore when it comes.

It's important to try to remember that you aren't seeing the world the way it really is. Try to trust the perceptions of people around you, because they're probably seeing things better than you are. I also find it helps to think of progress--like think back to how things were a year ago or two years ago, and how now compares to then, what's gotten better in that time. And then the regular anti-depression advice: exercise helps for endorphins, getting out of the house can help clear your head because of the change in environment, doing comfort things--favourite book, movie, etc., talking it through with someone you trust, having some kind of structure in your life--things you do every day.

And remember you are damn tough for surviving all this stuff. Whatever you decide for yourself, you have all my respect.

You keep going until it gets better. And it will get better.

Thank you. I know you're right... I am learning but it's a slow process you know? 

I totally agree on the progress thing though. I know I've made a lot of progress since last year, if not with trans identity things at least with anxiety-related stuff. It really set in the other day when I talked on the phone with my family for over an hr. straight and didn't feel anxious at all. Before I was a complete mess every time we called each other.

[Sibila]

Hi Cray!!!

In many ways I can relate to your story. Apart from the things you seems to suffer from, I also suffer from ADD, en fibromyalgia and PTSS.
I think its normal when you are feminine tot have BDD as trans. I have it too and it does not go away

I never passed as a guy and now I do pass as a woman, but not the feminine woman I feel to be. This is because of my looks. They give me much anxienty in my life...and depression from time to time. I try to enjoy other area's in my life as much as I can because that gives me room to deal with everything.

In fact a lot has changed but also nothing has.... I did not fit between the boys...and now I dont fit between the girls. My life experience differs from them so much, and I dont feel like talking with them about kids and so on. Also they do not understand dating issues as a trans.
They also often dont understand how deeply rooted my insecurity is.

I live my life openly as a trans person. The result of that is that often people somehow suspect me to be masculine in some mental and physical way and sometimes it seems like they try to zoom in on those things and think of them as "authentic" because they do not understand my situation. When I lived as a boy, people zoomed in on my femininity and judged that. I a weird way that can make you feel feminine too. When I feel feminine, I feel happy.

So in fact nothing seems to have changed. It can be quite the dissapointment at times.
Still I struggle on and am happy to be alive... but it has never been a normal life by far...and it will never be.

Sometimes I can be happy about that too... because at least its an interesting life.
I can relate to your story and know how hard it is... hang in there... try to be proud of what you are...

You dont need to fit in... you are good the way you are. There are enough cis people in this world. Even though we do not love our bodies...We are good the way we are
as a person, as a woman... as a trans, whatever works for you...even if it works for you to think of yourself as a boy or man at days... just permit yourself to do so. Even though I feel 100% a woman.... I sometimes need to lie to myself that I am a man, when I cant deal with the pain of genderdysforia.

I also recognise that transition has not really been a cure for genderdysforia... it has been in some ways... but it has also increased my dysforia since I have been comparing myself to how woman look. I have always felt intense social pressure when I lived as a boy and I feel the same now too, now that I live as a woman. I try to be me as much as I can... but I also notice that I like to be alone a lot.... not seeing anyone... a flirt or recognition can really boost my enjoyment of life... but the opposite (the little stuff when you notice you are not regarded as a woman) can cause havoc in my life. So sometimes its safer to be by myself. I do find this uneasy to share with others... since most people seem to think that gender is totally irrelevent.... but thats because they dont know what it's like.

I try to enjoy things in life that are not related to my looks or social position!
Thats the way I keep myself sane because I know how you feel

Love

[BunnyBee]

Introspection is good, too much introspection can be toxic.  It gets too granular, you see all these teeny tiny flaws, that are completely natural to have, that don't matter, that nobody else in the world sees.  You won't ever see anybody scrutinizing another person closely enough to see these things, yet these "imperfections" seem like the size of the Grand Canyon to you because you're examining yourself under a microscope.  And it's so misguided to chase perfection, because the only people that perfectly match a pure female archetype are found in comic books and really bad novels.  I've met some people that were trying to portray a persona of one archetype or another and they come across so fake and hollow that it always makes me want to get under the sheild they're putting up and see who is really underneath it.  I'm not saying you do this, or that you come across this way, just that it is a mistake to try going down that path.  Also, you are being way too hard on yourself and you should stop it.

I would say to stop looking inward, but all this introspection has created this existential crisis for you, where you don't know whether you are male or female at your core, and you can't just ignore that.  Your boyfriend complicates things, because the easiest way to answer this question for yourself would be to try out being a feminine guy for a while and see how you feel, and adjust your course accordingly.  Maybe just ask yourself how the idea of doing that makes you feel?  You say you never felt dysphoria, that you fell into transition almost out of convenience, that the reason you did so was because you felt feminine, not female.  All of these things are unusual (not wrong, not unheard of, just unusal) and I think they definitely warrant examination, especially when you feel such uncertainty, just to make sure this really is the right thing for you.  I have always felt enormous female energy coming from you and it makes it easy for me to think you are doing the right thing, but I have felt that same kind of energy from guys a few times before, so that doesn't really mean anything.

Your goal should be to be authentic, in whatever form that takes.  That's the whole point of transition, because living as somebody you aren't is just untenable and dangerous in the long run.  And feeling uncomfortable about how you are portraying yourself is the first sign that something may be wrong.  And that does not mean I think you are on the wrong path, I actually do not think that.  I think when people think too much, they become very unreliable narrators (we can convince ourselves of some really dumb things when we over-think) and I don't know how many of your worries come from overzealous self-analysis, maybe (probably) a lot, but in any case I think you have to figure this out because you don't want to go too far down a path carrying so much doubt.

[cray]

Hi Cray!!!

In many ways I can relate to your story. Apart from the things you seems to suffer from, I also suffer from ADD, en fibromyalgia and PTSS.
I think its normal when you are feminine tot have BDD as trans. I have it too and it does not go away

I never passed as a guy and now I do pass as a woman, but not the feminine woman I feel to be. This is because of my looks. They give me much anxienty in my life...and depression from time to time. I try to enjoy other area's in my life as much as I can because that gives me room to deal with everything.

JW but if you didn't pass as a guy why are you so worried about your looks? You must look very femme to not be able to pass as a guy pre-transition.

In fact a lot has changed but also nothing has.... I did not fit between the boys...and now I dont fit between the girls. My life experience differs from them so much, and I dont feel like talking with them about kids and so on. Also they do not understand dating issues as a trans.
They also often dont understand how deeply rooted my insecurity is.

Well there are all kinds of girls who talk about like everything.... I fit in with girls, I know that but I just get afraid I won't because I'm a little borderline and horrified of rejection or being abandoned. And I'm uncomfortable with having to hide being trans but I also would never ever want to tell them.

I live my life openly as a trans person. The result of that is that often people somehow suspect me to be masculine in some mental and physical way and sometimes it seems like they try to zoom in on those things and think of them as "authentic" because they do not understand my situation. When I lived as a boy, people zoomed in on my femininity and judged that. I a weird way that can make you feel feminine too. When I feel feminine, I feel happy.

What about going stealth? I know it's not for everyone though personally I could never be out about my transition.

I try to enjoy things in life that are not related to my looks or social position!
Thats the way I keep myself sane because I know how you feel

That's good... the thing for me is I transitioned entirely because of looks, style and social stuff, haha. If I started ignoring them that would be depressing to me.

Introspection is good, too much introspection can be toxic.  It gets too granular, you see all these teeny tiny flaws, that are completely natural to have, that don't matter, that nobody else in the world sees.  You won't ever see anybody scrutinizing another person closely enough to see these things, yet these "imperfections" seem like the size of the Grand Canyon to you because you're examining yourself under a microscope.  And it's so misguided to chase perfection, because the only people that perfectly match a pure female archetype are found in comic books and really bad novels.  I've met some people that were trying to portray a persona of one archetype or another and they come across so fake and hollow that it always makes me want to get under the sheild they're putting up and see who is really underneath it.  I'm not saying you do this, or that you come across this way, just that it is a mistake to try going down that path.  Also, you are being way too hard on yourself and you should stop it.

Well, I've gotten better with the navel gazing lately but the thing that sucks is that I just get days or even just points in a day where my mood seems to spontaneously spiral into this dark, utterly helpless, lonely place. I don't know what to do on those days and I don't know very many people who understand how I feel about this or who I can talk to... and I turn to the introspection looking for an answer that will make me feel better but I just get more confused.

I just feel like my transition and my efforts to be positive are on such shaky ground... even on days when I have no reason to be sad at all.  but then I feel like I have a billion triggers and they can really open some very painful wounds.

I would say to stop looking inward, but all this introspection has created this existential crisis for you, where you don't know whether you are male or female at your core, and you can't just ignore that.  Your boyfriend complicates things, because the easiest way to answer this question for yourself would be to try out being a feminine guy for a while and see how you feel, and adjust your course accordingly.  Maybe just ask yourself how the idea of doing that makes you feel?  You say you never felt dysphoria, that you fell into transition almost out of convenience, that the reason you did so was because you felt feminine, not female.  All of these things are unusual (not wrong, not unheard of, just unusal) and I think they definitely warrant examination, especially when you feel such uncertainty, just to make sure this really is the right thing for you.  I have always felt enormous female energy coming from you and it makes it easy for me to think you are doing the right thing, but I have felt that same kind of energy from guys a few times before, so that doesn't really mean anything.

To me it feels like the crisis comes from not having something that I feel like I should, and the introspection is in reaction to that emptiness, basically to look for that thing that isn't there.

Yeah, it's really difficult to try another presentation. My bf really doesn't like it and he can say hurtful things if I do, maybe not meaning to but I think he's just afraid of losing me to all this stuff.

Sometimes I fantasize about presenting as a femme guy, like I think of what cute outfits I could wear, how unique & special I would be and stuff, how young I would look (I used to be able to pass for 13 or 14 when I was 20... and that sounds kinda weird to say I want to but I was deprived of a teenage life entirely. But as a girl I look more or less my age.) I would feel prettier than almost any other guy, and all the attention I would get, like Andrej or something. And most of all how I wouldn't have to be trans anymore. It wouldn't nag at me all day. How much more comfortable I would feel around people having nothing to hide (well at least around girls, guys would probably be terrifying with that presentation). To finally be free of that all.... I guess just the fantasy alternate version of my life as a boy, like reclaiming the person who was eaten by mental illness.

See the problem is that it feels like my transition is a crutch. I started with the problem of being completely unable to be myself because of my anxiety and depression and fear of people. So transitioning let me be myself because I like normal things for a girl. I used to think I could never be myself while not living as a girl, but I was extremely immature then (I mean I'm immature now but ...) But now that I feel completely comfortable being as feminine as I want I'm starting to wonder if I really want to keep living with the crutch forever, or if I can make being trans something more personal and special than just that crutch.

Cause again with how my body is there's no reason that as a femme boy I couldn't just live as a girl anyway, and then if it actually came up I could tell people actually I'm a boy, which is way easier for me than to tell people actually I'm trans. Either way, when I'm being myself around people it doesn't feel like new people I meet in life will think of me as a boy either way, whether I tell them or not. Like they might accept that I was technically a boy but I don't think I would feel like a boy to them so it wouldn't matter. That was kind of how I felt when I went to school as a boy even pre-transition, dressing really drab and not having the style and the presentation that I really wanted, like I just was treated differently than other boys.

Your goal should be to be authentic, in whatever form that takes.  That's the whole point of transition, because living as somebody you aren't is just untenable and dangerous in the long run.  And feeling uncomfortable about how you are portraying yourself is the first sign that something may be wrong.  And that does not mean I think you are on the wrong path, I actually do not think that.  I think when people think too much, they become very unreliable narrators (we can convince ourselves of some really dumb things when we over-think) and I don't know how many of your worries come from overzealous self-analysis, maybe (probably) a lot, but in any case I think you have to figure this out because you don't want to go too far down a path carrying so much doubt.

Yeah I just get really confused. I don't know if it's overanalyzing. Because when I think about it like I just did, it sounds like it would be really amazing to detransition. Of course I'm not being critical in that state of mind and I'm ignoring all the struggles I would face like probably hate, maybe fear of violence, seriously straining my relationship with my bf, confusing his family, confusing my family a second time, probably could never get a job not that I have had one yet anyway, and stuff like that.

So it might even be under-thinking and over-fantasizing. I wish I were satisfied in my transition though. I feel like this should have been what I wanted but maybe I wasn't critical enough before either and I'm always going to be chasing the greener grass, not that the post transition grass was ever THAT green to me... I don't know. Actually, thinking about it now, I did feel like I would never be okay with being trans from the start. I wasn't even considering transition for the longest time simply because I didn't want to have to come out to people as trans. But it was the only way I could imagine myself being able to fully express and be myself with other people, as a girl, because as a boy it would just be too much for people. I only managed to transition thanks to a bubble where I could be a girl to a new bunch of people in my life while delaying having to come out to the old people in life. I'm still surprised I managed to ever tell my family.

God I'm such a basket case though. I remember a longggg time ago, I think I was 15. I didn't know anything about trans people and I posted on a mental health board asking what it meant if you only felt comfortable around girls and were really afraid of guys, and you only had femme things as interests. I really wish I could go back to that unawareness of trans things. I wish somebody had told me it's okay to be a femme guy, to just be strong and don't take ->-bleeped-<- from anyone, and I never had to know what it's like to be trans, like to spend an entire day just thinking about how freakish you feel for changing your sex and how unusual that is. Like people call it internalized transphobia and the problem is I am a little transphobic because ugh, none of it makes any sense to me at all. I spent all day trying to write a reply letter to my uncle asking about my transition experience and stuff and I realized I'm such a bad person to ask, that I don't represent trans people, I don't feel represented by trans people, I don't feel that I have anything in common with the trans narrative at all and I wish there were people that had my thing so somebody could tell me I'm not crazy and I could believe that they actually understand what I'm feeling.

And I think I still feel especially weird being trans when everyone makes it seem like everyone else has this voice in their head that tells them if they're a boy or a girl. Actually everybody says that's the ONLY thing that makes you a boy or a girl, it has nothing to do with what kind of person you are, so basically, I have no claim to being a girl... not to being a boy either though...

Side note: I found the solution to one of the most majorly stressful things about my appearance (hollow cheeks esp in profile). See I thought it looked masculine, and it did, but I thought it meant I must have a slightly masculine face structure too.  Then I kind of spontaneously realized that I was always hanging my jaw down a little (because my bite is irregular, I have no overbite at all plus extensive crowding, and my dentist told me years ago that my teeth are going to be worn out very young from that if I don't avoid grinding. So I got used to holding my teeth apart at rest. But I wasn't thinking of how it elongates my face and hollows out my cheeks by stretching them off my cheekbones. I tried going back to just resting my teeth normally with my natural bite and instantly I stopped looking masculine at profile.

Can't believe I never thought of that lol...

[Sibila]

Hi Clay!

I am too lazy to quote right now....but Im going to try to give you a reply.
I am 34 years old now and most of the girls I hung out with have long term relationships and kids now.
I dont feel the need to continue to be friends with them, since I dont have (and will never have) kids,
and its all they ever talk about .
Also I clicked better when I lived as a boy.... girls would think of me as being harmless to them,
where now it sometimes even feels like a competition. I do not want to be in a competition with
woman. Therefor also, I dont really mind it when they know Im trans. Usually when they get to know
me better, they start believing that I am a woman, because of my way of thinking about life and men for instance.

Also with men, I dont feel like hiding I am trans. I dont feel like hiding anything at all. I dont see the point either.
The only thing that bothers me is that there is no name for what I truely am.
Most transwoman I do not see as woman to be honest. They have a very masculine way of thinking and lead
a straight masculine life...and the way they get in touch with "womanhood" by getting horny dressing up,
actually disgusts me.  I find it hard to be part of a group where I dont really belong to.

Its also one of the reasons I remained pre op. It feels better to be this authentically feminine guy then to be
regarded as a man that has a fetish about being a woman. I dont really like woman, and least of all I would
want to become one. I AM one...it IS the way I feel. But Im also very dissapointed to be trans, it really hurts
me like hell, and therefor it is somehow better for me to remain pre-op. The more I transition, the more fake
I would feel. I dont want to feel fake.

Just for having doubts about SRS I was banned from all forums in my country, where straight married men
with kids and masculine jobs decide who is a woman, and who is not, and use the surgery to prove that.
I really started to hate that, lol.

It would also give me great anxiety having to hide I am trans. But I hate it that I dont like transwoman
in general. That makes it hard for me to accept that label. I actually loath most of them haha. 

[BunnyBee]

Introspection is known to make it hard for people to make clear decisions, and having those sort of grass is greener thoughts is super common.  The hesitancy to commit to ideas that comes from all that actually has been shown to cause people to make poor decisions, I read about that in this new story the other day.  This doesn't mean introspection is bad, it's just the downside.

I think trans people (or just people that ever question their own gender or sex) in general tend to go through at least an extended period of being introspective, while they spend a lot of time in their own heads sorting through a very complicated problem which they cannot share with anybody until they understand it well enough to at least explain it, if not commit to it.  Being introspective is also something introverts can't help but be because of having that inward focus.  So those two things, which I'm sure are compounded by your social anxiety and combined with your intellect and ability to think and analyze, makes me think you may be one of the most introspective people there is.

I think you just need to be careful.  Thoughts are granules of silt, when you have too many of them suspended and swirling in your head, the water just gets too muddied to see clearly.  You don't want to make important life decisions with muddy vision.

Regarding your narrative not matching the more common/expected trans narrative, all I know is that narratives are malleable.  When gatekeepers insist a group of people have a certain narrative before they will give them the help they need, nobody should be surprised when almost everybody in that group tells a story that matches that narrative.  And it isn't deceit, it's that you can spin your story many different ways and still be telling the absolute truth, and how you decide to frame it is often not even a conscious choice.  So I don't think that your story deviating from what most other trans people say is by itself a reason to question whether transition was the right choice for you, but your uncertainty (especially combined with how it deviates) probably is.  Not saying transition was the wrong choice (esp given that with so much introspection going on, nothing you think about yourself with respect to this topic is totally reliable right now) all I'm saying is that maybe it is something worth exploring.  I don't actually know for sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if you ultimately conclude that you do need to transition, but either way I think going through the process of confirming that would be very helpful for you.

How you do that and keep your relationship with your boyfriend (I presume he's straight) is tricky, if not impossible.  So there's that :/.  I really hope you can figure things out and find peace for yourself one way or another.  I am sure it must be so hard to deal with these kinds of thoughts!  /hug

[cray]

The funny thing for me reading that is how actually recent of a thing that introspection is for me. My knee-jerk reaction is to say that I became introspective when I started thinking about transition, but after a minute I realized that could go both ways, maybe I started thinking about transition once I matured enough to be introspective.

All I know though, is that my life before transition had very little if any of this introspection.... around when I started considering transition seriously was when it got like this. I mean, I still thought about my feelings a lot before then, but I didn't sit there asking myself who I am or who I should be or anything... I

When I feel like this I think I'm looking for an answer to a question I've asked myself. Like, why do I have to be trans? is one.

The problem is I just never feel like I have resolved it, it's an open book and it creates a billion other questions and it just goes in circles endlessly...

I can ignore it if I try but having to ignore it makes me sad and I never really feel OK about not having that answer.

Either detransitioning or staying trans both leave me feeling incomplete and honestly sometimes I think that the only reason being trans wins out is because I do have my boyfriend and I feel that support..

It just sucks dealing with the struggles of transition when there's no passion in it to begin with, esp. a passion that I feel like I'm supposed to have to be doing this in the first place and when most trans people have it it makes me feel weird.

Sorry I'm always going around in circles with this though I think it just has to come out every once in a while for me to stay sane.

[BunnyBee]

It sounds like something came along that drove you inside your own head.  Questioning your gender/sex can definitiely do that.

Speaking for myself only, there is no passion for transition, just a deep feeling of peace with myself that replaced unbearable angst.  That liberation was such a relief in the early stages that it really was a gooood feeling., that's probably what you mean?  Over time, though, that has gone away and things just feel pretty... whatever, like there is no emotion that goes with it.  I'm just much happier now, that's about it—things just feel right.