so a lot has ahppened int he past month. it's been roughly a month since i joined here and started seeing a therapist.
i've moved into university with my roomate and have gone tot he therapist 4 times now i believe.
now that i am surrounded by men all the time i feel super dysphoric. not to mention my therapist has really been asking the tough questions. especially the last time i saw her.
as of last time i saw her i was just simply confused, across the board. i don't know if im trans or if i like girls or boys. but then my therapist told me to stop procrastinating. she wasn't trying to rush me but she thinks i have been avoiding the hard questions, the one i need to ask myself. and lately that's what i've been doing. seeing pictures of myself i get so upset i don't have as male a physique as i once thought. i do stare at my friends, they're girls, i want them in my arms. i like girls. (wow, writing that out felt wierdly good). i don't want to live my life alone and unmarried because im too afraid to admit i like em. (wow that also felt good) ((this typing thing does wonders))
i see a man walking by me, i want to hit the low notes in my music classes (im a music major and ill elaborate on a story in a second) i want to gain muscle i want to be strong, i want to wake up with stubble i want tougher skin. i want to wear a suit and a button down shirt. i want my ass to stop being so there and more defined hands and an admas apple i want my boobs to vanish and i want to get out of this foggy mindset that's been making me feel depressed. im in such a wonderful part of my life where i should be having fun and getting my degree and im not because im too held up on how i am. it's not fun and i want out.
sorry for the rant. it felt nice to type that out.
as far as my music story, i am majoring in music. in the mornings i have a sort of singing class. note i have the worst range. i can't sing very high or very low and there is this whole hunk of notes in between i can just not hit. the teacher divides the class in male and female voices. wanting the girls to sing certain high notes and the guys to sing low ones sometimes. and it makes sense. but there i am feeling so awkward doing what im told.
what i am getting at is now that i have actually been sorted into my "gender" i am feeling uncomfortable. i have never felt like that so far. because i've never had to be looped with them.
right now, I'm feeling a little clearer about things. i know the first part of all this is to just accept it but that's also such a hard part. even now after saying everything above i still feel this nagging :no, no you'll be fine, stop thinking like that you're in for a world of hurt you'll lose people blah blah blah negative negative. " and i just want to say no it doesn't matter and keep going but i can't...
ill bring this up to my therapist when i see her next. but yah. i needed to get that off my chest before i just exploded.
