So a couple of days ago I did the thing that I had been dreading my entire life. I came out to my dad this past Friday. The kicker, of this whole thing, is that my father works with me and for me. Yes I said for me. So after work on Friday I went to my parents house after work with the intent to tell him. I sat inside my car on the side of their house for about 10 minutes before I finally mustered up the courage to go inside. I was literally yelling at myself to go inside and tell him. I knocked on the door and my mother answered. I mouthed to her that I was there to tell my dad. I had come out to my mother a couple of months ago now. She knew what I meant immediately and gave me a big hug and told me that she loved me and that everything would work out. She said she would be there when I needed her.
After I walked in my dad realized that I was there and began to talk to me about work stuff. We "shot the ->-bleeped-<-" for about 10 minutes or so. Then I finally just asked him to turn off the T.V., that I had something I needed to talk to him about. I danced around what I was going to say for a minute or two. Than I said that there was something that I had been dealing with for most of my life. That it was something that I had been wanting to tell him, specifically, for sometime. Then I just told him that I was transgender.
He didn't know what transgender meant so I gave him the summed up definition. I said basically that I was a woman trapped in a mans body. As a disclaimer, I don't personally subscribe to that notion of being trapped in my body, but I digress... As soon as I told him that definition the blood drained from his face a little bit and he assumed a very stoic expression. After a couple of seconds he uttered plainly, "I don't know what you want me to say." To which I could only respond with tears at that point.
After a couple of minutes of awkward silence he asked if my mom knew. So I immediately called out to my mom who was eves dropping in the other room. When she entered he asked her if she knew. My mom went on to explain that she had known for a little while. She also started to try to explain a little bit about the situation. She told him that I did not choose this, it was and isn't a choice anyone would really make. She said that this was very hard for me. She also said that she could tell, after she saw me as my real self, that I was meant to be this way. Obviously my mom is supportive of me, which is the greatest comfort I have found in my transition thus far, with the one exception of my new girlfriend. (Love you baby!) I was completely broken down and crying at this point. She was by my side comforting me and rubbing my back. After my mom was done giving her point of view he was visibly distraught.
When my mom was done explaining her point of view a little, he finally found some words. He said, "I love you, you will always be my son. I will always refer to you as such. I will only ever call you by _____. That was the name that I gave you and that is the name you will always have." After he said that I completely lost it and was crying uncontrollably. My mom was whispering in my ear that he didn't mean it like it sounded and that he was trying to tell me that he loved me. In a way I could see how she might think that. But, honestly, I know my father fairly well and I know exactly what he meant by those words. I know, to him, I will always be something I never was. After I was able to gather some measure of composure I said something that would allow me to go home. I can't quite recall what it was that I said.
Fast forward a couple days to Monday morning. I guess he showed up early to work. One of the other employees was there. The other employee told me that about an hour or so before I got there that my dad had gone home "sick". I tried to not really show on my face what this meant exactly as I was and am pretty emotional about all of this. I ended up going to the bathroom and having a bit of a cry. I tried to text my mom to see how he was doing. She just plainly said that "He is not taking this very well at all." I tried to inquire further as to what was going on or if he had spoken anymore to her about it. But as of right this moment, I am still awaiting a reply. I was talking to my sister about this about the same time. She was saying that I should make an appointment with my therapist.( I already had a couple day ago) I tried to get some sort of solace from her but she just mentioned the therapist again. I know that she means well but I think in regards to this particular situation she is at a loss for words.
The one bit of silver lining to all of this is that I am finally out to him. That sounds like a simple act but for me this was the biggest step in my transition. Bigger than my first time out dressed or taking hormones or anything. This was my big thing to overcome, by far. He didn't disown me, but by no means are things "ok". A lot of work and effort is going to have to go into our relationship, on both sides. Hopefully he is willing to put in the effort on his end. I know my mom will be there to urge him in the right direction. But at least I have finally started down this road I have been unwilling to walk for so long.
<3 Liv
