The hardest part of my transition by far...

[Paige]

Olivia I've never posted but your experience with your father really hit home.  You knew it was going to be hard because you know your father very well. 

Parents give you clues through your life about how they will react.  When they see you with dolls or in girls clothes when you were young.  Or maybe it's your hair length.  Or perhaps it's that they are overly worried about their reputation in the community.   I guess they can surprise you but I definitely understand why you and many others are so apprehensive.

For me it was it was a little more blunt.  When my cousin transitioned, all my parents could talk about was how horrible this was for her parents.  Not one thought for her.  Needless to say that set me back quite a bit.

I'm still hiding from the world.  Good luck Olivia.

[Rachel]

Olivia, congratulations on your coming out. You are an inspiration to me.

My wife did not take the new well. She thought how it affected her. Her reputation, her security and how embarrassed she was of me. She said things that were very hurtful and cried a lot. She rejected me and my love for her. Three months later and we love each other more now than ever before. She still does not like being married to a woman but things are so much better now than three months ago.

Be the loving person you have always been and give it time. You are one brave woman.

[Olivia-Anne]

Thanks for your support ladies. I think it is finally starting to sink in a little that I actually told him. In passing at work he either ignores me or merely says "Hey." I hope this doesn't last too long. I already miss him going out of his way to talk with me or to spark up conversation. I hope we can reach some semblance of our past rellationship with our new one. I doubt it but I will remain forever hopeful. I can't spend too much time dweling on this. I still have to come out to my sisteer and brother-in-law (my boss). Somedays I really wish I took that job offer 2 hours away...

<3 Liv

[kathyk]

Big Hugs Olivia.  Haven't replied to your post until now because I'm never sure how to talk about some things. (By the way Olivia is my favorite nieces name. She's a very loving and supportive girl.)

I'm in the opposite situation as the father who had to tell his adult sons.  They had a similar response, and it seemed fine at the time.  But after just a few months one of my sons stopped talking to me, and the other avoids contact as much as he can.  They both said I'll always be their father, and they can never think of me as another person.  Yeah, it makes me cry once in a while, but they're still the two greatest gifts I ever had. 

It's terrible that your father feels this way, yet I'm sure he also feels your one of the greatest gifts he ever had.  But he may never reconcile the conflict inside.  I'm sorry the two of you are having trouble, and again Hugs.

Kathy

[Rachel85]

Hugs Olivia. It's been about 4-5 months since I told my dad and on hand he is very supportive and respectful but I know he's really struggling to come to terms with it. The line that upsets me the most is "I don't know how I'll be the first time I see you in a dress", so until now I've avoided it but he's back from an overseas holiday in a few weeks and I have a really nice outfit picked out Off like a bandaid
I really hope it is just time...

[FrancisAnn]

Olivia, I feel your pain & know that was difficult. Maybe on your next talk with your father you can explain that you know he loves you & that he would not want you to endure pain. The pain of having to live a life of lies. Maybe also you can tell him that you need him in your life always & that you need his help & support. Maybe this might help??

Just fyi. My mother always knew I was a girl & supported my change early in life however I could never bring myself to tell my father. Instead I just hide my true feelings for most of my life rather than hurt him. He has since passed away & now I'm in my mid 50's & still trapped in the wrong gender.

You made the right move to open up to your father. Hopefully he will understand & the two of you can remain close for both of your lives to come.

   

[Rachel84]

The line that upsets me the most is "I don't know how I'll be the first time I see you in a dress", so until now I've avoided it but he's back from an overseas holiday in a few weeks and I have a really nice outfit picked out Off like a bandaid

My father said something very similar to me as well, and I never thought I'd be comfortable wearing women's clothes around him.  I chose my birthday (about six months after I came out to him), to wear a skirt around him for the first time.  His response was that it was weird seeing me in these clothes.  But it's almost four months later and he hardly bats an eye anymore when I wear a skirt or dress.  Go for the bandaid, after awhile it'll become less awkward and more normal.

[Rachel85]

Both my parents have been away for a month or so, will be a great opportunity to start. My birthday would be the back up plan but is still a couple of months away! I'm too hasty
Thanks Rachel, hopefully I'll have the same outcome.

[Jaelithe]

If it's any consolation, I have a ftm friend who I helped through his transition. His mother reacted exactly like your father. These days, however, she calls him by his new name and always uses male pronouns.  Some people just need time to absorb and adjust. I really hope this is the case for you.

[Olivia-Anne]

I will definitely be using the "band-aid" method as far as it comes to presentation. I am kind of giving him some space at the moment though. It is hard for him right now especially because I work with him and he has to see me on a daily basis. Currently, I am not out at work and I wont be for a couple more months. I still have to come out to a couple other people first, before I go full time at work. So right now I just want him to try and wrap his head around it. Then in about a month or so I am going to invite him and my mother over to meet me (Liv). After that I will try to invite them over somewhat regular so he can get used to it, so he doesn't have some crazy reaction to how I will be dressed at work. Because I will be wearing the cute office type attire of skirts and dresses and heels and stuff. But, regardless of that it would have been the band-aid method anyways because that is my normal style of dress. I am no where near the range of andro in my clothing choices. I still have yet to talk to him since I came out. According to my mom he still needs some space. We shall see what the future holds.

<3 Liv

[Kate G]

Yeah... Olivia,

In my own experiences it isn't so much about how you look or your "appearance/presentation".  Rather it has more to do with his expectations and his prejudices towards people who resemble our archetype.

It isn't your presentation that needs to be withheld from your father.

It is YOU that should be withheld from your father while he wrestles with his expectations, ideas and prejudices.

If you cater to him, if you try to spoon-feed him this *idea* that you are "trans?" then you will be conveying to him that this is a choice you have made, one that you can turn on or turn off with the flick of a switch.

If at all possible it would be far better to assist him in establishing in his mind that this is about YOU, not about a choice, not about a look you can put on or take off, not about a voice you can switch on or switch off.  He needs to understand that this is about you having been born a female soul, with a female mind and this is not a matter of choice for you.  Neither can you turn it on nor shut it off.

I would suggest giving him his space.  What I suggest not doing is pretending that you can harmlessly switch it on or switch it off for him because like your father you matter.  And someone needs to begin looking out for your health, safety and well-being.  You have to begin nurturing yourself, you have (if you are anything like me) been starving all your life, having been denied the experience of simply being who you are.

So be who you are.

Your dad is a big kid now, an adult.  Give him some space, just don't stuff yourself into a box for him like it is going to pacify him.  You need to send a STRONG message that this is about you, it's not a costume or a game or pretend.  If your father had just realized that you were actually another ethnicity would you paint yourself white and talk a certain way to pacify him?  The degree to which you believe in yourself will be the degree to which your father believes in you, if he loves you in a healthy way.

Be strong.

[TerriT]

OMG you are amazing. You handled yourself so well. I live very far from my family and I rarely see them, I can't imagine working with them every day.

[monica93304]

Sooo, a girl that is a non-op is not considered to have transitioned? This was a post more personal than broad. This is the hardest part of MY transition. I have a little secret for you, once you tell someone you're trans you can never go back. The no turning back point is not SRS. Sorry if this post seems a little pointed, I'm just a smart-ass.

Thank you for your support ladies, I just needed to get those words out of my head. They have been swimming around in there the past couple days.

<3 Liv

Olivia,  I'm on the same boat with my father.  A few parallels between us.  You have our support in this forum. 

As far as the comment about "transition begins after SRS".  She's hated on crossdressers.com for the same comments to non-op sisters like us.  She's the main reason I rarely go to that board.  To what degree you transition and feel great about it is entirely up to you girl.  But I don't have to tell you that.  God, I hate "Keyboard ->-bleeped-<- Ninjas"