Had a terrible day...

[Confused_Katie]

Right now I want to just crawl in a hole and sleep forever. My boyfriend is buzzed, and if he's not asleep by the time I come to bed, he's probably going to want to "do the deed" since he's been away for almost a week.

I ran out of my anti-depressants over the weekend, had terrible nightmares last night (a side affect of no meds), and am stressing out over my grad classes. I dressed as male as possible today to help me get through without breaking down. Unfortunately this caused my bf to confront me about why I am dressing like a guy. I had planned on talking with my therapist about my emerging feelings on Wed., and was not really prepared to have this conversation with my bf yet. I almost lost it in the restaurant as I am trying to think of what to tell him now and what to save for a later discussion when my thoughts are a little more collected.

I told him I prefer dressing as male and being perceived as a male in public, and that I've felt that way for some years now. He was confused, and said he felt blind-sided by this. He told me that it hurt his confidence and that it is a huge turn-off for him when he sees me dressed more masculine. He said that he didn't think it was ok that I would wear my baggy guy jeans and a loose t-shirt everyday, even if I'm just going to class. He said he wouldn't mind it if it were only every once in a while; he said it would be "cute" if I did it only a few days out of the week. That word..."cute"...like it's just something I do for fun. He even said he thought it might be related to my weight, or that I just want to appear more confident, mistaking it for masculinity; both of those I firmly denied and said that is not why I am dressing this way. I don't know if he really believes me...

Before you came out, did you fake it so well that when you finally show your true self no one believes it's the real you? That you're just going through some phase, or mistaking your feelings for something else?

I'm going to end up wearing "cute" feminine clothes tomorrow, since my only pair of guys jeans are dirty now and I don't have many other masculine clothes. I hate how they feel, how they look. Like I'm wearing a neon sign that says "HEY LOOK AT ME LOOK AT MY GIRLY CURVES AND BOOBS AND BUTT. IGNORE THE PERSON I AM ON THE INSIDE."

I'm sorry for the wall of text. I literally have no one else I can talk to about this, aside from my therapist who is paid to listen. I just needed to type this out before I go get reminded of how feminine my body is.

Thanks for reading; hope you had a better day than I did.

[Jamie D]

First of all Katie, never, ever run out of your antidepressants. If you know you are going to run short for some reason, cut back for a while with a lesser dose.  It is hard on your body to suddenly be deprived of the meds

I would also say that it is best to talk about serious stuff with the S.O. when you are not cold turkey.

I hope things work out for you.

[kaiju]

It sounds like your boyfriend might be in denial or uncomfortable with the subject matter. If he's a straight cis dude, he's going to probably feel really weird about gender issues. Focus on doing some things that will help you while you're without your meds and maybe write out your feelings to try and organize them. Are you still going to see your therapist on Wednesday? I'd take all your feelings and the experience with your boyfriend and see if your therapist can help come up with a way to handle the stress of everything. I'm sorry it's been a rough day, mate.

[Mattfromengland]

Hey Katie, I'm so sorry to hear how unhappy you are feeling. It's good you feel you can write it down here though. Talking DOES help a little and everyone here is supportive. Even if we can't make you feel better right now, be aware that people are thinking of you.

I guarantee you WILL come through it. I am 39yo and spent my life hiding my huge secret. It's really stressful to do that. Now I'm slowly coming out to people and have been seeing a great counsellor who has helped massively I feel a million times better. I'm moving forward and I tell you what, the elation I feel right now is purely the opposite end of what I have felt like in the past. (Hard to explain, what I mean is if I never felt down I wouldn't be as happy now, it's like you need to experience the downs and the lower they are, the better the highs are in comparison.)

You will end up in a far better place. I know that doesn't help right now, but hang in there.

Matt

[ZombieDog]

Once you're in a better place mentally take the time to sit down with your boyfriend and talk to him rationally about things.  You're going to have to think beforehand what you want out of life and tell him.  Don't be like me and feel like this is something you can compromise on and say "Oh, ok...  I'll just try and squash myself back down into this girl shaped box again."  It will just make you miserable.

When I told my boyfriend about how I felt we went through the same thing.  The "how about you only dress that way at home" and things like that. 

In the end though, you need to do what's best for YOU, regardless of if people around you saw this coming or not.  Because even if the signs were slapping them in the face, chances are the thought that their friend/significant other/relative was trans never crossed their minds.

[aleon515]

It actually can be dangerous to run out of certain drugs. I believe, not sure re: the current crop of them as I took tricyclics back in the day, but if you ran out of them you could go into status epilepticus (which means a seizure that doesn't stop-it can be a life threatening thing) even if you weren't an epileptic. Don't mean to pick on you but you really need to take care of yourself.


--Jay

[Confused_Katie]

Thank you everyone for your support. I got my meds refilled yesterday so I am starting to feel better.

Jay and Jamie: I usually make sure to have enough meds, unfortunately there was a mix up with my new psychiatrist about getting my rx refilled (my old one moved practices suddenly) and I wasn't made aware of it until Friday evening when the office was closed for the weekend.

ZombieDog: Are you still with your boyfriend? Do you have any tips on how to discuss this with my bf? If you don't mind me asking, of course.

Matt, kaiju, and Jaime: Thank you for your kind words. It really helps knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that there are wonderful people like you who are there to cheer me on. I am still going to see my therapist on Wed, so hopefully that will help me to figure out my feelings and decide what the best course of action is.

Again, thank you for listening to me during my tough time. You are all such wonderful people.

[Brandon]

Im sorry your unhappy maybe you should talk to him and tell him how you really feel, Depression isn't good,  Im not even on T yet and I get fustrated all the time, Things do get better, Just be who you are, Don't let anyone stop you from being happy! And if he doesn' get it leave him, Never settle for less
 

Goodluck

[Brody Brown]

first off, you are who u are no matter  wat anyone believes or says.  I've dressed as a man for most of my life and I'm 27,  so ppl who know me aren't shook, strangers are another thing.  but if it helps, only you can be who your heart says u are and if ur bf doesn't get it either talk, write it down, and if he's not supportive,sorry,leave his ass. find a partner who understands, don't settle for ,2nd best  ur worth more. and don't feel alone my therapist is just starting to understand. hit me up. one love. hope it helps.

[Darkie]

I know how you feel.  I only get to dress male when I go to conventions, so I know how sucky it is to have to put back on girl clothes.  Today I'm home when my husband isn't (lost my job today, so I came home early) and the minute he left for work I threw on boy clothes, binder and all.  I'm so calm right now.  But, I'm having to get ready for my study session for our test tomorrow in ASL and I'm gunna have to put girl clothes back on.  I'm dreading it right now...

[randomroads]

I'm not really sure what you mean by faking it so well that it's a shock to people. I'm going to assume you mean faking that you're female so that when you come out as trans they think WTF just happened?!

I was self destructive when I was living as female, and because of that, everyone thought I was so ultra fem and hetero that they were shocked when I told them I'm trans. I actually started prefacing my coming out speech to new people as 'i know you saw me when I was doing xyz and dressing like blahblah, and I want you to know that I completely understand if you're shocked and confused.'

[Jamie D]

Thank you everyone for your support. I got my meds refilled yesterday so I am starting to feel better.

Jay and Jamie: I usually make sure to have enough meds, unfortunately there was a mix up with my new psychiatrist about getting my rx refilled (my old one moved practices suddenly) and I wasn't made aware of it until Friday evening when the office was closed for the weekend.

ZombieDog: Are you still with your boyfriend? Do you have any tips on how to discuss this with my bf? If you don't mind me asking, of course.

Matt, kaiju, and Jaime: Thank you for your kind words. It really helps knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that there are wonderful people like you who are there to cheer me on. I am still going to see my therapist on Wed, so hopefully that will help me to figure out my feelings and decide what the best course of action is.

Again, thank you for listening to me during my tough time. You are all such wonderful people.

Glad to hear you got it straightened out.  I know my pharmacist will give me a small supply (two or three days worth) of a prescription if the doctors office has not called back with the refill.  Many of my meds are ones that I have used for years.