De/Re transitioning

[anjaq]

Hi.
I am posting this here but maybe it will not be fitting, in that case please move this. The issue is that the person I am talking about is not presently in an intimate relationship with me. We were together for several years but split up and stayed really good friends. So technically I am probably not what can be called a SO, but I am not sure.
Now to the issue. That friend of mine started transition in the 1990ies, with HRT and therapy and RLE and all that. Caused massive trouble with parts of the family. There were always concerns about SRS though - it was not really something that was much desired - the social acceptance as a woman was more important. So shortly before the scheduled date for SRS it was cancelled followed by depression and anxiety to a degree that demanded professional help. Passing was always an issue and caused more anxiety and depression and fear of people. A lack of interaction with people, loss of job and lack of motivation to go outside the house at all was the result and this dragged on for years. Sometimes clothes and care for appearance were neglected, basically temporarily detransitioning. Finally a decision was made that this cannot go on and a full reversed transition was looked into. So the visible changes were made now the remaining practical issues are basically breasts and legal name, but not SRS as this never was done. Depression and anxiety have changed a bit but I dont see a huge improvement.

How can I help? It pains me to see this - both the depression and the de-transitioning. I dont want this to be a mistake - a monster version of "throwing away the womens clothes" that every transperson seems to do several times before coming out (and that never works and usually a few years later one goes for it again, angry at the lost time). What do you think in what ways can I support and help but also ensure that this is all right?
Greetings

EDIT: I modified this post as it contained personal information

[Adam (birkin)]

I think the best thing you can do is just let that person know that you love them no matter what. Detransitioning is scarier than one might think, because a lot of people feel the trans community views them as someone who made a mistake, and that cisgender people won't accept them or see them as screwed up in the head. If they choose to live entirely as male, just go along with their wishes - if they use a male name again, pronouns, etc. I think they just need to know that their happiness is what matters the most to you at the end of the day, regardless of their transition/detransition status.

[anjaq]

Hi. Thanks for the advice. Now There are I believe two additional things that may not have come across clearly and I want to add them.
The first is that back then we both transitioned. Actually back then I was the shy one not daring to go anywhere in that direction and my friend was the one just doing it despite some blowbacks. Back then this gave me courage to go for it and eventually overtake her despite my doubts and all that it was clear that if I really am what I am, I need to do it fully - no jumping off the OP table. The decision to not have surgery on her side was already a very emotional and confusing thing for both of us, especially as it was followed by a short time of detransitioning already. This was followed by a reversal again and transition was back on track but with the goal to not have surgery for the forseeable time. That was the state that led to the situation I described as the issues with passing and anxiety remained and there was no SRS to make some things easier and in a way irreversible.

Of course this has implications for me and my possibilities to help out. I am not dysphoric anymore - I know who I am and never had any shred of regret so I do not see my identity questioned by her or his step to detransition now (Luckily at least for now there are no attempts to justify detransitioning by trying to discredit transsexualism itself). But I feel it limits my possibilities to help as I can not only not relate to this but actually it is even beyond my comprehension in some way - I believe any woman without a trans experience would be better suited to understand this - but maybe not, I dont know.

The other is that I do not know what is right for him. What are the motivations. To me it always sounded more like it is a matter of rational choice - of going a way that is crappy by detransitioning, but that at least allows him to go out in public with less fear compared to the time before when the passing-paranoia was just too big to bear. But to me that feel like not the right motivation somehow - I cannot understand this and this is what makes it so hard for me to help and be fully supportive. I myself in that place probably would have started to work harder, eat only pasta and live in a small flat for some years until I could have bought myself some FFS or whatever else is needed to end the problem. I would never have detransitioned after SRS. Maybe this is again it - SRS - which I had and which is a milestone marking my dedication - if only for myself. After that, one KNOWS there is no turning back. FFS probably is another stone like that. Both are probably somewhat rites of passage - like jumping from child to adolescent and then to grownup. Not really reversible (well in case of transitioning they are, but that requires another step as large as the first one if not larger). So I begin to understand why therapists see SRS and transition as one indivisible package - because it is a moment of decision at which the soul takes a leap or not - a litmus test as well as a step that for most ends the constant feeling of having two options now.

Anyways that was just to add to the background and points towards the problem being at least in part within me to overcome some of my own barriers in helping. But of course there are the real unknowns as well, the major one that I do not know if my friend really WANTS to REtransition or actually feel like HAVING to DEtransition. Or does it matter? I will be supportive and for the first time feel how freaking hard it is to stick to the correct pronouns and name and all that - the burden I put on my friends and family 15 years ago. But I think I am doing better than most of them did. Another concern I have is what if the fear and depression is not actually rooted in not passing, what if the detransitioning now does not really help that, but adds to it because the second option was true and it was a detransition out of a felt external pressure, in which case the renewed denial of a female identity would cause problems later on? As of now, I do see some bits of improvement in the respect of anxiety and depression getting somehow better. But I cannot see what is going on inside.

@retransition, yes I think you are right as of part of the cause of depression is isolation. Not going outside out of fear, being more isolated, more fear, less self worth and so on. My previous attempts to break this never helped - with retransition in progress now, there there are some people related to hobbies that seem to be mostly accepting and a point to occasionally visit on good days. So maybe that is already progress and I just expected this to be stronger or faster. I wonder if I am a part of the cause of some depression or bad energy. I can only imagine that it must be harder to retransition with someone around who commited to transition and actually did not even mention it anymore until recently.
Regarding the permanence of transition or detransition I have a bit of a different opinion maybe - Yes of course we are all always transitioning in some way (usually not related to gender, but to many other things in life, job, lifestyle, music,...). But there are events, points in time, where things happen that have a strong unidirectional notion to them. Rites of passage as I like to say, transformations maybe, fixed points in time that have to happen and cannot be reversed. Of course nothing we ever do can truely be reversed, but these points are of different significance or impact on the soul. I would consider especially SRS such a thing, but probably also facial hair removal or long term HRT. Or an official name and gender change in the documents. One approaches these points with anxiety but also expectation and desires the unidirectionality of them - the knowledge that things are less insecure afterwards as a choice is taken away by making a decision. This frees the memory from the strain of thinking of the options. To step over a similar but seemingly reversed point, for example removing effects of HRT - I dont know if there is a way to actually remove the effects of SRS, but I guess if FtMs do it, it can be done - is as you said not a reversal but a new milestone, a new fixed point that again eliminates options and requires a decision. I am not sure my friend here has the determination to do that step - not as it was the first time. The paperwork for the beginning of the process is not even sent in. Because of the depression or because of uncertainty at the decision? I dont really know yet...

Thanks again for listening.

EDIT: this post was modified to remove personal information

[Darkie]

*hugs tight* I sadly don't know what to say because I haven't really experienced such things myself.  But I wish you and your friend luck, your friend is lucky to have a friend like you.

[anjaq]

Note to the readers: There were some replies that were deleted, so please excuse possible gaps in the thread.

A concern that was in these replies was that it is unhealthy to hang out too much in TG related context and that there is a competitive component to transition at times. Now personally the hanging out issue was non in my case or the case of my friend. I am not aware that he kept ties to the TG community and I myself did not deal with that either. Occasionally a movie on TV, maybe a news article and until some years ago I was quite active in a LGBT context in general, but not specifically trans issues. He was not even into that I believe. I only came here recently - in part because of my own issues that only recently were getting problematic enough to look for others for support and in part because of the events mentioned.

Regarding the competition in transitions - I noticed that big time. At times I even thought that this is so silly and such a male pockmark on the personalities of those engaging in it. It is what men are told by society is acceptabel and beneficial behaviour - to compete and "win". Such a nonsense, but yes, it is a strong tendency. And no it is not purely male in transpeople of course. It is accompanied by all the female equivalents. The "male" parts I would say are more physical - who can transition faster, get SRS earlier, get bigger boobs with HRT, less "reads" per day, economic/carreer succes despite transition, get more depth of the neovagina (this is totally funny - like an inverted penis compariosn - literally!!) - the more "female" parts may be that poisenous envy among transpeople as to who looks better and passes better and gets a better social acceptance. Those are a bit sterotypical but I think one can recognize that these are all happening. I found this utterly idiotic at times, though I admit I wanted some things to go fast as well and of course I was envious a bit at some people who looked more passable and such. What I fell mostly into was the trap of who is more "truely TS", this is a very poisenous one. People start to compare events that "prove" their TSness early on, take physical body parameters as indicators (though that may not even be without scientific basis from what I read recently), who feels more dysphoric and more female. It is mirroring their (and in that case mine) personal insecurity and this is why I think and wrote elsewhere that this has to run for a while and should not be rushed, so excitement and peer pressure do not lead to the decision to go through with transition or the rite of passage of SRS but instead a well informed decision. If someone stops before SRS, in one way that is a good thing, as that means that the time was not right or the decision was not right. However as it happened in this case when the whole train goes faster and faster because of peers and standard procedures and overcompensated fears pretending to be confidence - and then it heads towards that bridge that is SRS, it causes a lot of damage to stop that train and this is what happened - a whole world comes crushing down. Unlike maybe if the desire for SRS is allowed to play out for a bit longer and it can be separated from external pressures.

But this is now all quite general - I still need a way to help. Maybe I will try to talk about this with him, though he seems not to want to talk about it with me - I can imagine for the reasons above that it is out of protection for him (not to get information from a woman that is mostly done with transition) or out of protection of my (not to put too much thoughts on regret and the invalidity of transition on me).

[bunnymom]

Anjaq,
It's obvious you care about your friend.  But I'll hijack this subject briefly from the POV of a loving parent.
No matter how my child "presents" I will love them. This issue actually is all about passing.  Many, many cisgender folk have shuttered themselves into their homes because they don't feel comfortable in their own skins.  They feel ugly, unlovable and deformed.  period. This may be a bigger problem for us all. As an amputee that uses a prosthesis versus not.
Gender Dysmorphia is filled with anxiety. At the heart of that and Body Dysmorphia is the illusion of acceptance and presenting ourselves the way we would like to be viewed.  Your friend is fighting a terribly deeply rooted cultural tenet that says a human must be male of female. Never both and not in between.  Only now that someone I love is confronted with this "choice" I use my own life experiences as a sounding board. ( because really that's the only way one can view the world is through their own senses) Meaning although I may have experienced something similar, your mileage may vary.

Just be as supporting as possible.  You cannot walk on eggshells over what pronouns must be used today... We all must allow ourselves to be accepting of ourselves.  When we are too sensitive of others perceptions, we lose connection to our true selves.  This is the root of much pain. Add some humor.  Allow for 'mistakes'.

When I go out in "public" with my child who has strongly masciline features and mannerisms but is wearing some frilly, comfortable clothing and accentuating some feminine characteristics, oh yes, we get "looks". But I don't care anymore.  The only thing that worries me is the reaction by mentally ill and violent people that may want to harm us because we don't fit into their range of understanding.
I'm learning that we don't always fit even our own mental images of who we appear to be to others, and perhaps never will see ourselves the way anyone else will.
If assuming a certain role within the binary gender class is required to affirm our self image, then perhaps we can "pass" as what we feel.  But what do we do, when many 'others' don't agree?
This philosophical question can apply to gender, race, attraction, social class, religion. ..

All we can do for our loved one is to reinforce their true humanity and ask that they try to love themselves in the way that we love them. These labels and categories are part of human social order. We can't always get past that.
In your position, I would take each day one at a time with my loved ones. Limit your assumption and expectations.  Bluntly tell them you don't know how they are feeling today, and help them find the things that are controllable with an eye toward making something good happen that day.
All we can do is ask how a loved one can be shown love in way that helps them through the day. If they are in a dark place, and can't tell you, try something that has created light before.
As someone else here has advised me. Make sure you breathe.
I only say this because I know that seeing a loved one struggle can be hard and forgetting to step back to allow breathing space for you both is common.
Like in an airplane  " place the mask over your own mouth and nose first, then assist others"

[retransition]

You sound like you are a good friend and the person you are talking about is lucky to have someone like you in their life.   I don't have time for a long reply right now but I do have a few thoughts (as someone who has transitioned from male to female and now back to male again.)

I think a huge driver of depression that often occurs for people in this position is isolation.  If there are passing issues or even just fear of being read that can serve as a "wall" that keeps a person from feeling that they are really part of something larger, namely the human race.   I think that some people who start to detransition and then stop do so because they feel more embraced by the transgender "community" which is more accepting (if one is currently identifying as trans).

What I think might be appropriate is to also find some other communities that are LGBT friendly without necessarily being "trans" but are just accepting without expectations (or really caring all that much) what gender someone presents as.   That can look like a lot of things - volunteering at an AIDS clinic, participating in a spiritual community that is open and affirming (there are some of those), finding interesting MeetUps.

Another piece that is so important is to not look at "detransition" as something that HAS to be permanent.  I hate the term detransition because it implies giving up something.  In truth - life is just one great long transition regardless of if you are trans or not.  Being mindful of this has helped me.

Lastly, yes I can understand how someone can spend so much time thinking about gender -  but there are other things in life that are important as well.  Does your friend have any hobbies or interests?  There is so much cool stuff to do in this world.

I know all of this sounds like I think my suggestions are easy to follow.  I know they are not.  I too suffer from depression and it has almost ended my life.  There will probably be resistance (people trying to make me feel better just made me more mad!) but I do think that with an advocate like you by their side they have a bridge to finding some happiness.

[retransition]

The motivations for someones decision to transition or detransition are really hard to determine as is the root cause of depression.  And you have hit upon the classic "chicken or egg" question that surrounds SOME depressed people with GID - is the dysphoria causing the depression or is the dysphoria some sort of coping mechanism for depression.

As someone who suffers from debilitating depression at times I am trying to understand my own motivations for my original transition and my "detransition" (I prefer saying retransition). I don't want to spend my whole life trying to figure this out, one because I know I will never have all the answers and two, because there are other things I want to do with my life.  But right now is a time that I will allocate for a few weeks or months of much needed introspection.

As much as you want to help your friend (and you are an angel for trying) ultimately it is up to your friend to support himself (I will use the male gender pronoun just for convenience since that seems to be the most recent gender identity he wishes to project - if I am wrong correct me).

If he is suffering from major depression I suggest that he talk to a therapist, one that is LGBT friendly but not necessarily a trans specialist.  A lot of therapists who specialize in trans issues are not as objective as they could be.  I am sure there are many who are not so it is important to find someone who does not have an agenda pro or against transitioning.  A lot of therapists (trans specializing or not) also just don't understand a lot of the deeper issues related to trans stuff.   I have been with the same non-trans therapist for almost 10 years now and we both have undergone an evolution on how we view gender identity and expression. I think we are both glad we had the other around on our journey.  And of course as trans issues get more attention,  is something that we as a society are still working out as well.

You are also right that you might not be the best person to understand him, through no fault of your own.   One thing that I do think is healthy is to get away from the trans community for awhile.  Not to reject it, not to deny the whole reality of transsexualism, not to sever relationships with good people in that community -  but just to get away for awhile and get some breathing room. 

I think the most obvious reason (but not necessarily the most important) is that, although there is a growing number of very well adjusted trans people starting to recognize that discussing issues related to detransition do not impact their own narrative (many of them here!) there is still a lot of noise going in one direction - towards transition.  It is almost like a race and it can be very competitive.  We naturally measure ourselves against one another. All people have a tendency to do this I think. But in the tg community it is even more intense.   You might have a situation where you can be as understanding as possible but still have your friend measuring himself against you and measuring his success in life or (perceived lack there-of) against yours. Just because of how I am (and I am not proud of this) I did find that the more time I spent in the TG community, or online ready trans stuff I found my values - the stuff I really think is important - to be changing based on what I saw other people doing.  Was I going to get more "work" done? Do I need to see FFS?  How important was it to aim to be stealth and how did that impact my desire to be as open and honest with people as possible?  Why was I spending so much time on TG sites and not on things that I loved before transition.  See - I began to learn maybe this trans thing wasn't a good fit for me personally.  And then I stopped caring.  And then "I let myself go."  I hated the way I looked.  I went gained an amazing amount of weight (which I am only now starting to jettison.) And worst of all - I would avoid mirrors for about 8 years of my life.  Totally.  It is unbelievable to me now that I did this but I did.

Another thing that feeds into all of this is the real grieving process that I went through it when I detransitioned.  In the years leading up to SRS and immediately after was "way proud" of my transition.  People (trans and not) congratulated me and it actually seemed to make a lot of people happy (not all of course - but still a lot of support and positivity filled my life). Getting myself to the point where I felt ready for SRS was something that I took a lot of pride in and was (and still is) one of the greatest accomplishments of my life.  I sacrificed a hell of a lot to obtain it.  To find myself several years giving it up left a big hole in my life.  WTF have I really accomplished - I am back at square one only worse! (So I would say to myself.)

In my case I don't think I decided to detransition as much as I finally admitted that I was already doing it and just decided to make the most of it.

In terms of social pressures making me want to stop transitiong, I think I was not as lucky as some in what I faced but probably luckier than most of the people I knew who were trans (here I go with the comparison thing again).  I could have continued to make a go of it but for whatever reason I just lost the desire.  I think in my case it was part social, part practical, part psychological and also a large part me just being who I really wanted to be.  That person didn't work as a female - my whole persona just works better in my birth gender.  So there I was post op and I had a whole new kind of gender dysphoria.

I don't really have any regrets though - this is the path that I really needed to be on.  Maybe if I was born 100 years later the nature of society wouldn't have sent me on this journey but in today's world I think I took the only path to get me to where I need to be right now.

I am glad you are here posting this stuff and having this conversation.   I am sorry if I talked to much about my experiences but maybe I can provide a window into how one person who has detransitioned perceives these things. I think your being in your friend's life is a good thing - but being supportive of him going out to his hobby group and having the space to make new non trans friends is a good idea that you already seem to be moving in. Even though I have no answers for you I do think that if more people can have conversations like this maybe a few (not all) of the questions you are asking will be a little easier for us all to have a better response to in the future.

J
PS here is a technique I learned in a cognitive therapy class - I think it is great for everyone depressed or not

GRAPES

Every day all of the following -

Be GENTLE with yourself (self affirming and loving)
RELAX (we all need to de-stress and get our minds off of problems)
ACCOMPLISH something (clean your room, do a good journal entry)
PLEASURE is your friend (so do something you enjoy)
EXERCISE (really the ultimate anti-depressant)
SOCIALIZE (don't stay in your hole  - get out there even if it is just asking the clerk at the corner store how their day is going.  Being connected to the human race is essential!!!)

[anjaq]

thanks for the repost, retransition. I did not want to scare you away with my concerns and hope we can continue this thread. I doubt I will find many in that situation that talk about it, so I am glad you may be of some help for my friend.

[retransition]

No worries and sorry for confusion.  Please feel free welcome to message me whenever if you don't feel like posting.

[invisibleme]

Great post, retransition.

I transitioned and then detransitioned less than a year later. Not only could I not find support, but i felt rejected by trans people online and in person who clearly wanted my story to remain hidden. Didn't help that when I initially went to a gender therapist, he basically told me I was trans and encouraged transition. Even the current standards of care leave little room for anything other than accepting that you're trans. That pro-transition approach doesn't work for all. I ended up retransitioning and am now again struggling with not feeling right as trans. I don't want to see a gender therapist because all of the ones I have met at this point have been very pro-transition. I feel like the field is in serious need of balance. That's just my opinion, of course.

My point is this... You cant fix your friend, but you can help by listening, caring, and connecting with the pieces of his story that you actually can understand. Ever felt like you made a big mistake that really messed things up? Ever feel like no one understood? Felt invisible or misunderstood? Ever felt confused or stuck? I don't know what he is experiencing, but I bet you can connect with him as a friend and fellow human even though you do not share his need to detransition. Just sticking with him and loving him even though he may not be trans is a lot more than some trans people will do. I sure could have used a friend like that

[genderhell]

Great post, retransition.

I transitioned and then detransitioned less than a year later. Not only could I not find support, but i felt rejected by trans people online and in person who clearly wanted my story to remain hidden. Didn't help that when I initially went to a gender therapist, he basically told me I was trans and encouraged transition. Even the current standards of care leave little room for anything other than accepting that you're trans. That pro-transition approach doesn't work for all. I ended up retransitioning and am now again struggling with not feeling right as trans. I don't want to see a gender therapist because all of the ones I have met at this point have been very pro-transition. I feel like the field is in serious need of balance. That's just my opinion, of course.

The entire trans community & DSM don't appear to recognize that some trans people need to adjust their hormones to get their mind working to end mental gender dysphoria and not necessarily change their bodies fully.

This puts these people in an awkward position when they go to their doctors. Do they claim to be trans? However, there is no medical diagnosis for "mental gender dysphoria". You are expected to want to change your body.

I am sure I left the first doctors I saw with the impression that trans people are nuts, because I explained this to them, and they said, "So you want to grow breasts?". I tried to explain I needed to correct myself mentally. I was having pervasive and persistent thoughts of wanting to be a girl all my life and I think adjusting my hormones would fix that.

I could not know that I had a suppressed personality, and I was right that hormone adjustment cured the mental gender dysphoria.

I don't understand why the DSM does not have this condition.

[invisibleme]

I think what we are seeing is a 'rubber band' effect due to people having to fight for so long to gain access to treatment at all. I'm very thankful that more people are getting access to transition that is appropriate for them. I hope that soon, we can reach a healthy balance where the trans community and healthcare providers acknowledge that transition isn't the only option and for some, isn't the best option - and that doesn't in any way mean that people who do need to transition should be blocked from that.

[anjaq]

I hope so too. I think there is too much pressure involved in the whole thing. Also too much is put into being committed. What happens if a guy explores his feminine sides, ends up in the transsexual groups and psychiatric process with a certain push towards transition and then makes a decision to do one or another thing, just coming out or doing a RLE is huge - it is not something that is easy for a guy to retreat from and not get into more social pressure by his male friends then. I think too many people are transitioning and even having SRS for motivations that will not make them happy in the long run. For various reasons - if the motivation is social role, what happens if the new social role is not as it was thought to be or what if the desire to be a woman was not large enough at first to go through with it all but was pushed and blown large by psychologists and some transpeople. I think it is a really hard thing to create an environment in which people who really need to transition and have SRS can find this out really fast and get help rather easy but people who will not be happy with these choices will have ample other options and not be pushed towards this and even detransitioning is an option that is not shameful. I mean whats the point pushing too many people through transition who will not be happy and who will in the end make the stats look like transitioning is not worth it on average. Nothing gained for anyone but maybe the two-gendered society.

I have read somewhere an interesting info. In the past years legislation was changed in Germany to allow legal sex change (putting a new gender marker on passports and certificates and such) without having SRS. Before you needed to have SRS to get that change, without SRS you only could change name, but not legal gender. Additionally they added the option to put an X on the gender mark. Afte that change in legislature was made, apparently the number of people having SRS dropped. The only conclusion is that some people did a surgery on their bodies against their desires just in order to get a legal document change. I think this is a horrible motivation and no doubt some of those who did SRS for such a reason are not happy with it. And I think there are more examples like this.

[retransition]

What happens if a guy explores his feminine sides, ends up in the transsexual groups and psychiatric process with a certain push towards transition and then makes a decision to do one or another thing, just coming out or doing a RLE is huge - it is not something that is easy for a guy to retreat from and not get into more social pressure by his male friends then. I think too many people are transitioning and even having SRS for motivations that will not make them happy in the long run.

Sorry just seeing this.  I think this is a great observation. Sometimes once the train starts rolling it becomes harder and harder to jump off of even as doubts about where it is all heading begin to emerge.  So where does a "guy with feminine feelings" go once he starts to have some doubts?  Can he talk to his old guy friends?  Hopefully - but quite often other guys are not going to be comfortable talking about this? Does he talk to his therapist? He should but many trans friendly therapists (not all!) will not totally understand and may think he doubts are just another product of the always present societal pressures they help their clients push back against.  Does he talk to other trans people? Yes and there are some that will be able to offer some really good advice.  But there are also some that will tell him they felt the same way once on the way to SRS and that he needs to just stick with it. 

That is a horrifying story about what was going on in Germany.  Very sad.

[retransition]

I think what we are seeing is a 'rubber band' effect due to people having to fight for so long to gain access to treatment at all. I'm very thankful that more people are getting access to transition that is appropriate for them. I hope that soon, we can reach a healthy balance where the trans community and healthcare providers acknowledge that transition isn't the only option and for some, isn't the best option - and that doesn't in any way mean that people who do need to transition should be blocked from that.

Sorry to just be noticing your post.  And I agree that "rubber band" effect is a great way to describe the next logical step in how were we need to be in our views of how to deal with with the issue of gender dysphoria.  I understand some of the challenges you are going through right now - if you are still around the forums and want to talk please message me or post in the "non-transitioning" forum which is now the designated forum for talking about detransition/retransition here at Susans.

[sad panda]

My attention span is pretty short (ugh, really sorry) but anyway I am like your friend, I want to be a boy again though I'm not sure how practical that is for me since I do have a lot of trouble passing as a boy, anyway the reason I want to is very simple... whether or not I SHOULD be a girl, transition didn't make me happier. That's what's important right?

[Heather]

My attention span is pretty short (ugh, really sorry) but anyway I am like your friend, I want to be a boy again though I'm not sure how practical that is for me since I do have a lot of trouble passing as a boy, anyway the reason I want to is very simple... whether or not I SHOULD be a girl, transition didn't make me happier. That's what's important right?

Well were you happier as a boy? What do you do if you go back and decide your not happy being a boy either?Transitioning doesn't fix everything and your gender is not what brings you happiness. Happiness is being able to freely express yourself to the world how you really feel. If you feel happier as a boy go for it but ask yourself why did you transition in the first place? But whatever you choose I hope you find the happiness you seek.

[sad panda]

Well were you happier as a boy? What do you do if you go back and decide your not happy being a boy either?Transitioning doesn't fix everything and your gender is not what brings you happiness. Happiness is being able to freely express yourself to the world how you really feel. If you feel happier as a boy go for it but ask yourself why did you transition in the first place? But whatever you choose I hope you find the happiness you seek.

I wanted to be a girl so it was socially acceptable to be myself.. I got tired of feeling like I have to go through all this to be myself. I deserve to be myself whatever gender I am and not to worry about if I look like my own gender (even though I know I look like a girl I don't feel it) femme boy or femme girl or whatever. I think I will be happier as a boy, cuz even if I can be femme now and nobody cares, I could have done that as a boy IF I had a good support system before. But I didn't have a good support system,wasn't involved in the gay community or anything. All I had was my abusive family who tried to make me more boyish.

Also, I feel more special as a boy. becoming a girl just made me normal and even made me feel lesser than, and hid all the things that were special and unique about me.

[anjaq]

Yes - i guess for retransitioning the same thing applies as for transitioning in the first place - it does not solve most of your problems - only the ones that are really totally dependent on your gender issues...
But as your reason to transition seem to be mostly the lack of the ability to express yourself in a male role due to gender roles - I guess breaking out of the gender roles is a better option for you then. After all there are plenty of femme guys around nowadays and they are doing great. dont need to be a girl for that and change your body to be a girls body if that is not how you  feel it should be...