I am not saying that understand the male world or the female world, but I feel totally allienated from the male world and my thoughts and feelings are more female to the extent they are not male. This morning I went to get blood work done after fasting all night. Sitting in the waiting room I found myself sitting with my legs crossed like all of the other women in the room. I did not change mine. It felt more comfortable. I used to be all intellect, but lately I find that I am thinking emotionally. When I am at home I am female. I feel it from the inside. I am not on hormones or have I ever been. But I dress as a female and enjoyably feel more so. When I have to go to work and put on my male clothes I actually am beginning to see a male image of myself, which I never did until the female began to become dominate.
I am sorry that I seem to be talking over or past everyone else and not to them, This is a result of emotional isolation which is a part of my family history. I am isolated from other transgendered people except on the internet. It was only once in Albuquerque over four years ago that I had my one and only enjoyable evening with other transgendered people. As I mentioned in other posts life tends to isolate me birth family, older children, and grand children. Yes there are those that will say that this is my fault and to some degree it is. But family history and life history also play a large part. Family contacts were not shared by my parents and they tended to keep what contact they had with their brothers, aunts and uncles to themselves. They never shared letters or phone calls if there were any. My ex was successful in separating me from our children and the grand children. My finances which just allow for day by day living also play a big part. So if I am disconnected here I appologize. I am just trying to speak for myself. I am still explaining myself which is a bad habit. But I am just trying to figure myself out within the context of the people I live with and with you. I am wandering so I will end this post.
Am I a fixed point, a zig zagging point, or just a point with no reference point. For in the theory of relativity we are all in a matrix and our location within the spectrum is relative to some reference point. My reference point is female my body is male. Sometimes I find the reference point in my matrix and sometimes I loose it.
