Good evening, my name is Barrett. I am 24 years old, living in Oklahoma and studying to be an archaeologist. I've also begun studying to be a woman, though I am not entirely sure about it.
To start with, I was homeschooled or living with my family from ten years old, so I am heavily socially retarded. I feel like it's impossible for me to join in any group, whether it's fellow anthropology students, anime fans, or gamers, since I can't relate to them. Or maybe that's just because I've been trying to socialize with Oklahomans, I don't know!
After one especially awkward meeting, I suddenly felt like I had a revelation. I am completely socially anonymous, except for my sister and my dad. I can be anyone I want.
Why not be a girl?
That's basically the chain of thought that brought me to this point. It's been barely a week, so it's not like I have heavily committed to this transition. Mostly, I've been doing research and experimenting- shaving my legs and my AMAZING, mountain man beard, trying to feminize my hair (even dying it blue) and practicing on my voice. I've been coming up with rationales for my decision, mostly revolving around my feminine personality projection, sexual repulsion of men, and abiding love for women but lack of satisfaction with intercourse. These are justifications after the fact, however, so they could just be delusions.
And it is certainly not like I have been confused since I was a child.
But my doubts are many. I am already such a recluse and an outcast, how much worse could it get if I become a transgender lesbian? If I make this huge decision, and I'm committing social suicide from both the cis world and the LGBT community? My voice is enormously deep (like Johnny Cash), will I ever get it to the woman I imagine speaking from me? Am I just being an egomaniac, and just trying to find another group of people or another reason for the ones I know to shower attention on me?
But then I look at people on Youtube or elsewhere on the internet, and I get so inspired by how happy they are, how well they transitioned, and I want to be like them.
So, I've done all the looking (well, not all! I still have so much to learn.) But I think I need to start trying to actually talk people who actually know.
