Saying Hi before I chicken out

[Marissa]

Hi all,

First of all, let me apologize for posting my 1st post to Susan's when I'm in a really negative state of mind.  Maybe I should wait til I feel better (I'm not always so depressed) but I'm afraid if I don't reach out and talk to sympathetic people I'll just find some rock to crawl under and wait to die. 

I'm a 46-year-old MtF transsexual, though I still present myself as male publicly because I can't pass at all and I'm afraid.  I haven't started HRT yet (except for a month self-medicated on spiro and estradiol in late spring / early summer) but I'm trying to find a therapist and start HRT the right way; hopefully soon! 

Before I took those medications, this past spring, I had reached the end and was planning to kill myself.  I've known for decades that I am TG and came close to transitioning 15 years ago when I was 31.  At the time I decided I could never pass as a woman and I was too scared to try so I decided (stupidly) to try to live my life 'disguised' as a man, but this year when I knew I just couldn't go on, I felt like I had nothing to lose so why not try being myself before I die.  I'm not recommending to anyone to do what I did and take hormones without a doctor's supervision, but in my case I think it saved my life. 

I've been deeply depressed since I hit puberty so many years ago.    Being on estradiol made me feel like my soul had returned to life! I reconnected with the happy  kid I was before puberty and those years of being poisoned with testosterone by my own body.  I finally realized that I had a chance to be happy again and have a decent life even if I'm not pretty. I decided to give life a chance (wow, do I really sound that cliché?) Anyway, knowing that self-medication is no long-term solution, I decided to find a therapist and try to get on female hormones legitimately.

The problem at the moment is that I've been off estradiol for over 2 months now and I can't feel the hope anymore.  It's taking longer than I thought to find a therapist in my area of Maine who takes Medicare (which I have due to disability from M.S.). 

Right now, I feel like I'm not young enough or strong enough to be a transsexual woman but it's really the only livable path I can see for myself, so I'm just trying to hang on for now.  I'm pretty sure I'll be okay if I can stay on track and get started on hormones.  I do have an appointment scheduled with a therapist next week.  Not sure if she has any experience with transgender people but at least her listing said she takes TG clients so fingers crossesd.

Well, I could keep talking but tears are getting in the way and if I don't go ahead and post this, I'll probably decide it's too pathetic to post and delete it all. 

Sorry for dumping all this on you all.

Merry Meet and Blessed Be

[Devlyn]

Hi Marissa, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm down near Boston. Take a peek at our rules and regulations in the Announcements section. You'll see our site policy does not permit self medication discussions. With that aside, see you around the site, hugs, Devlyn

[Beth Andrea]

Hi Marissa!

Welcome to Susan's, hope you don't delete, it's a great first post/intro.

I'm about the same age as you, and yes it tends to be more difficult to "pass", but imho passing should not be a goal--being happy is.

Weigh the difference in being male, or being a mannish woman....and keep in mind there are many degrees of "mannish." Being a guy sucks--when you're not one. Being *any* kind of woman is GREAT--if you are one. Btw, most of the problem areas we deal with can be corrected or masked (with clothing or makeup), so it's not the end of the world.

Attitude is a BIG part of a successful transition. Good luck on getting on HRT etc!

[Tessa James]

Hey Marissa welcome aboard.

I hope you don't chicken out and you seem to understand the truth that so many of us share.  Being transgender does not go away and it may not be easier if you wait.   I was convinced it would be impossible for me to transition and be passable.  I found a million reasons to repress and deny myself for decades.  Living in fear was painful and toxic.  Almost every trans person I know wishes they started dealing with transition sooner.  I argued with myself that I did not feel like other trans people I have known.  With no binary goals I did not and do not feel like a woman but I was clearly not a boy or man.  There is a substantial price to pay one way or another to adapt or die.  I finally decided not to die with a secret but to live in the sunshine and be proud of who I really am.

Susan's is a great place to explore where and how your very personal journey might take you.  There are helpful discussions about every issue you raised.  It seems impossible to know the total consequences of this process but that does not have to stop you.

You are smart, resourceful and have already reached out.  Keep it up! 

[DriftingCrow]

Hi Marissa, I hope you stick around and post some more, there's a lot of people here who have been in your shoes and can lend an empathetic ear your way. 

[Marissa]

Thanks for the kind words people!

I'm feeling much calmer now.  Maybe I shouldn't have posted when I was so emotional but I do tend to run and hide and try to be invisible so much that I probably wouldn't have posted otherwise, so I'll just let the post stand.  Reaching out does seem like the right thing to do even if I make a fool of myself. hehehe

Sorry for breaking the rules talking about self medication.  It is very dangerous and I don't  recommend it to anyone.  I do hope that the medical community continues to educate themselves about the needs of the trans community and makes it easier to get HRT prescribed by a doctor without jumping through too many hoops.

Thanks to all who replied!  It means a lot to me and I hope to talk  to you and others in the future.  I've read a lot online and in books, and watched videos from those who are brave enough to post on YouTube so I already knew I wasn't the first or only one to go through this but it really helps to 'talk' to people here instead of just lurking.

I hope people will continue to post; I look forward to hearing from you.  In the past I've tended to drop out of sight quite a bit (in online games, etc.) when depression got bad, but I'm trying to stick around and stay involved this time.  My email should be visible  in my profile (I think) so feel free to use it.  BTW, do these forums allow private messages? Just curious.

Blessed Be

[Beth Andrea]

Yes, there are PM's (I think you have to have like 10-15 posts to be able to use it).

We understand depression here...a lot of us (if not most of us) have either had it, or still do...some have pretty significant episodes. So if you want to rant, cry, or just vent...this is the place to do it. (Only caution I'd suggest is to use the word "*trigger*" in the title if you post about abuse, self-harm, etc...you don't want to set off someone else who just wanted to read your post).

[Jenny07]

Welcome Marissa from Sydney OZ.

It does take some courage to write and then post your first message. I remember it well. It is so hard so well done.

Yes as Beth says, depression we know it very well.
You are not alone in how you feel.
Good luck with your therapist appointment next week, I have one myself as well.

Feel free to contribute to posts and ask questions.

Look what happened to me when I tried to chicken out!

[Marissa]

BTW, I was rereading my posts (and others, thanks again all!) and I thought I should mention that when I sign off with 'Blessed Be' I'm not promoting any specific religion.  As far as I'm concerned, all religions are valid, as are atheism and agnosticism.  If you believe then may your deity(ies) bless you and if you don't then read it as 'Best Wishes.'

Okay, am I on thin ice again?  Not starting a discussion on religion, really!   If 'Blessed Be' offends just say so and I'll stop.

Blessed Be

[Beth Andrea]

Blessed Be! Oh my STARS! An' ye harm none...G-d Bless! Peace! Shalom! *hugs*

There, that should set off the warning alarms in Mod HQ...if there are any for these kinds of words. 

Hmm...no, don't think so. They're given in peace, wishing others peace...yeah, it's all good.

[Marissa]

Blessed Be! Oh my STARS! An' ye harm none...G-d Bless! Peace! Shalom! *hugs*

There, that should set off the warning alarms in Mod HQ...if there are any for these kinds of words. 

Hmm...no, don't think so. They're given in peace, wishing others peace...yeah, it's all good.

hehehe 

[DriftingCrow]

BTW, I was rereading my posts (and others, thanks again all!) and I thought I should mention that when I sign off with 'Blessed Be' I'm not promoting any specific religion.  As far as I'm concerned, all religions are valid, as are atheism and agnosticism.  If you believe then may your deity(ies) bless you and if you don't then read it as 'Best Wishes.'

Okay, am I on thin ice again?  Not starting a discussion on religion, really!   If 'Blessed Be' offends just say so and I'll stop.

Blessed Be

Its fine, sometimes I sign off with "sat nam" and someone else here uses "metta zenda". I'd always rather be blessed than cursed.

[Jamie D]

Not to worry, Marissa.  We all have our ups & downs.

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