Feeling hopeless! :/

[Zoe Louise Taylor]

Hi girls!!

Ive been feeling so hopeless this last couple of weeks!! :/
im so scared of being transexual! I used to be able to hide my thoughts and feelings! but now i feel as though it is all getting too much!!

Im starting to feel as though im trapped between a rock and a hard place, as i'm not able to take my mind off wanting to be a girl, but im so scared to come out and deal with these feelings!! Im seeing a councellor, however im absolutely terrified of change, but its dawning on me that to be happy i am going to have to transition!!! Its all i think about and its starting to consume me! i just want these thoughts to go away!!! I really hate being transexual, but i need to transition . . . i feel as though i'm going mad!! :/

Iv'e never felt this way, iv'e always felt content. But i can't do this anymore, i feel that i cannot live as a boy, everything feels wrong, i get so angry and i hate myself so much! I'm never going to hurt myself, however the pain inside is starting to become a real problem!!

I really don't want to hurt my loved ones, but its getting to the point where im going to have to let people know, so that i can move on with my life!!!!

Im sorry for moaning and being emotional! but i feel so low and so hopeless, i know that i need to transition and i need to live as the woman i feel i am, this is the only way this conflict inside my head is going to stop! but the route there terrifies me, i'm going to let people down and im scared that im going to be made fun of, and that people are going to be mean and im going to lose people!!

Im terrified of who i am, and i hate being me! i just wish these thoughts would dissapear and that everything would fall into place, but as time goes on im starting to realise this isn't going away and actually its only going to get worse!!!! Im sooo trapped!

Anyway sorry for the essay, i just really needed to let some emotion out!!!!!

love
Zoe
xx

[mrs izzy]

Been there myself. Know how you are feeling. For me it was just doing what i needed to do and move forward. Came down to me or them and i sided with me.

Its hard having to deal with everyday day to day but it can be done.

Look inside and see who you are and do what YOU need to do for YOU. Its your life to live and be happy. Who wants to live life unhappy everyday?

Hugs, Stay safe on the path you will walk.

Izzy

[ErinM]

There was a time that I could have almost written this myself. The whole motion of transitioning terrified the living tar out of me to say the least. I delayed things another couple yeas because if that.

Finally I got myself to the point that I could stop looking at transition as a whole, but to look at taking it step by step.  Now I'm about to transition at work and begin RLE. Somewhere I never imagined I could get myself to.

Sure I still have a lot of anxiety and wish that I didn't have to go through this, but I know it's manageable.

[Christine167]

I wouldn't call you transsexual I would call you Zoe.
Seriously this life is hard enough without all the worry.

Besides you are too cute to suffer as a boy. Be Zoe and be happy girl.

[Ltl89]

Hey Zoe,

I know how you feel and often find myself in the same mindset.  Transitioning isn't easy and it can have a major impact on our life.  Therefore, it's understandable to feel lost and hopeless while undertaking such a huge change. 

Personally, I feel self acceptance is one of the most important steps in one's transition.  When reading your post, I noticed you feel angry at yourself for being trans as though you are doing something wrong.  Believe me, I know how that feels, but you need to learn to embrace yourself for who you are and realize there is nothing wrong with being trans.  Before you can expect society or anyone else to accept you, it is helpful for you to accept yourself.  In my experience, going to support groups and socializing with other trans people has been one of the most helpful steps in my transition.  It helps to realize that you aren't alone and that there are many other trans people out there that live normal and productive lives. In my opinion, the journey becomes easier the more your accept yourself.

Having said that, I can't be much comfort as I still go through the same fears and have a lot of work to do before I fully embrace my ts status.  Sometimes the hardest person to love is yourself which is sort of sad.  However, once you can fully embrace yourself and feel proud, you are golden.  Just make sure to share the secret when you discover it.

[Doctorwho?]

Change can be the most scary thing in the world.

You look at the journey ahead and see all the mountains to climb and the potential dangers of the journey.

The only way to tackle this is to put one foot in front of the other – fix your gaze on some near but achievable point ahead and walk purposefully towards it.

Don't look at the ultimate goal – focus on getting to the first milestone – and then only when you get there the second and so on...

If you look ahead the sheer scale of the task will break your spirit and you will give up before you start.

I have never really sat where you sit – but I did start from a very different place to the one I am in now.

A few years ago I was living in semi retirement, with more money than I could spend, a comfortable home with a pool and land, a partner that I had been with for 25 years and a secure but undemanding job.

Now I have lost all my money, my partner is very nearly dead from early onset dementia – I have lost my home, I'm living in a small flat in London – BUT I am on a 4 year accelerated medical degree, and one day soon, as long as I take my own advice, I will be a doctor. This is something I have dreamed of for probably more years than you have lived, but never had the sense to try until now..

Trust me undertaking medical training is every bit as scary as gender transition.

You may get abuse, so will I (probably from some drunken twerp in ER one night when i am trying to patch him up).

You may make mistakes and get into unfamiliar situations where you don't know what you should do. Think of me on a ward round as a newest trainee – being thrown in at the deep end by some consultant, and asked to give my opinion in front of all the other junior doctors.

You may find your resources stretched. Think of me, struggling to live on a student loan in the most expensive city in the UK.

You may find yourself with setbacks. Think of me failing an exam and having to resit it.

You may feel scared to go out and face the world. Think of me having to draw blood or set a bone for the first time, terrified that if I do it wrong I will damage someone.

You may wonder if you have made a mistake and ruined your life. Think of me, when a patient vomits over me or perhaps dies whilst in my care, when I have been on my feet for a long shift, wondering what I am doing here.

Life can be scary – but the alternative to taking it by the scruff of the neck and living it, is sitting in a room surrounded by your failed or never attempted dreams.

Have faith, walk steadily, and you will get there.

You don't need courage, just determination.

Good luck on your journey my friend!

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

The best advice I can give is the words of FDR.  We have nothing to fear, but fear itself.

Those words have helped me go forward more than anything has.

Go forth and conquer that fear.

[Marissa]

I have a lot of the same feelings as you right now.  The part you said about hurting your loved ones especially is something I've been thinking about a lot, since I have kids and would never want to hurt them!  The way I look at it, you have to take care of yourself and be able to love yourself and in the long run, you'll be a better person.  Sparing their feelings by continuing to conform to a role that makes you miserable isn't going to do them any good ultimately.  As for 'only going to get worse,' that's dysphoria speaking I think.  I'm no further along on my path than you are on yours, but from what others who have gone before say, I think there are a lot of trials, but it does get better!

Hugs, Marissa

[big kim]

Been there it's something we all have to go through.You'll do it and wonder what made you so worried

[Erin Brianne]

Hi Zoe
there are a lot of us sharing the same feelings you you have right now. Some of us are older (I'm 40) and some are younger as yourself.  The fears are mostly the same as we all have to go thru the transition at some point. I I havent came out completely and to be honest my fears are much the same as yours.  Lets just keep our heads up high and look at all the positives that are happening and things will fall into place one at a time.
On a side note...its good to see you posting again Ltl

[kathyk]

Zoe:

In some way every one of us has gone through what you're dealing with right now.  Some had an easier time of it, but not many.  Yet the day we accepted who we were and began our journeys we saved our lives by opening a door to great personal possibilities.

Yeah, you'll hurt some of the family, and your going to worry about things you never thought were important.  But you'll love yourself again.  And you'll find inner strength to deal with everything that's new and wonderful, or tedious and terrible.

I won't lie, it's not all roses and dreams.  There's going to be hard times when nothing makes sense, and you'll be emotional, angry, and upset when things fall apart.  That happens in life, and you deal with it.  But what's wonderful is you'll be dealing with it as a young girl, then a woman, and most importantly as yourself.

Take care Zoe.  We do care.

K

[Aina]

Hey Zoe, it is tough, I know this is almost exactly how I feel. Just a few months ago I was content myself - even thought I had these feels nearly all my life.

I wish I could offer you advice, but as I said I am in the same boat as you - all I can do is offer you encouragement and hopefully strength to move you forward and find happiness!

Good luck!

[Cindi Lane]

Hi Zoe,

I believe there is always hope, I believe that you can reach inside yourself, embrace the core of your being and feel hope again.


When I am feeling low, the mountain I see in front of me is impossibly high, too high to for me to climb.

When I am feeling low, I can only see the 50+ years of my life, my friends, my career and family that must make the transition with me and all the problems I expect to face and with fear of the unknown.

When I take the time and the care to be true to myself, to embrace my inner strength, accept that my history is part of me, accept that the future will become what it will become, accept that I must be responsible to myself to choose which path in life I will take each day;
Then I can see that the mountain in front of me is high, but that if I choose to work my way up, I will find each step of the path when I need it and that each day will bring me one step farther on my journey.


My advice:
Your loved ones and friends may have difficulty understanding, they will have more difficulty understanding what is happening if you tear yourself apart by not living true to yourself.

Accept that you are a unique soul; find a way to love and care for yourself.
Accept that not everyone you know now will be with you through the journey of your life, look forward to embracing the people you will come to know.
You don't need others to validate you.
Ask for and accept help from others. This group has many wise souls that care for you and will give support.

- Cindi

[anjaq]

When you say you do not want to hurt your loved ones, I think you mean that you do not want to tell them about who you are really because you think they would be hurt in some way. Maybe because they think it is their fault? Why else would they be hurt by your decision if not out of reasons they are bringin onthemselves. Maybe they hurt from empathy as they think that you are suffering during a transition, then you have to assure them that this is what makes you happy. Maybe they are hurting because they think it is their fault, ensure them that it is not. Maybe they are hurting because they hate transsexuals and dont want to have one in the family (for whatever reason) - then this really is their own ghosts they have to come to terms with - their own hate and transphobia - it is not you who makes them hurt then but they themselves. The only valid thing I can think of that really can make a parent hurt is to think of not having grandkids - this was why my father hurt a lot, but I have a sister.

So any way this is put, it is eithe rnot your fault they are hurting or they are hurting for no reason.

Also consider the other option. Not telling them - living a lie - being a pretender even in front of your loved ones. Do you think that does not affect the relationship? They deserve to know the true you and to love the true you and not something that you set up as a shield, as an act. If you dont come out, there will always be something between you and your loved ones - a shield that numbs the real love.

[Ltl89]

Also consider the other option. Not telling them - living a lie - being a pretender even in front of your loved ones. Do you think that does not affect the relationship? They deserve to know the true you and to love the true you and not something that you set up as a shield, as an act. If you dont come out, there will always be something between you and your loved ones - a shield that numbs the real love.

I can attest that hiding this for so long from my family was the single most hurtful thing to them.  My mother and I have such a close relationship that she felt betrayed by me for hiding my transgender identity from her for years.  Even though she wasn't supportive of my transition, she wished she had been aware of things much earlier and saw that as the most hurtful aspect of my transition.  I'm not making any suggestions to the op or anyone else, but I wanted to backup anjaq's post. 

[Terri]

Zoe,

Thanks for posting this.  You are by no means alone -- I'll sit right next to you on the terrified bench.  Here's my recent discovery that seems to help.  Until recently I was trying to solve and deal with everything as Steve (a.k.a. Terri beta version 1.0).  How will Steve feel?  Won't Steve be ashamed?  How will Steve's friends and family deal with this?  How will Steve deal with this at work?  You know what?  Steve doesn't live here anymore.  If I'm going to live life fully and completely self expressed I've got to decide what Terri should do and how Terri should handle this, and that my dear seems to make my thinking about things a bit clearer.  This isn't something you or I chose.  It is how we choose to deal with it now that matters.  There are no practice rounds.

Xoxo,
Terri

[Zoe Louise Taylor]

Thanks for all the lovely comments and support ladies! Its so good to read your comments and learn about how other trans people dealt with these feelings!!

I love you all!

Zoe
Xx