To transition or not

[carrie359]

Well I know this question has most likely been discussed a million times...
A lot of water has gone under the bridge since I told my lovely wife about my trans feelings.. she knows they will never go away. She understands but she would rather me just stay as I am.. she says I am perfect to her..
I have two grown kids 30 and 28 and 4 grand kids all young.
I have my own business so transition is not a problem.. I could hide out at the house for five years if I needed to.
I have money for FFS..
I am 5-7, have a baby face small hands small feet, no adams apple to speak of. Normal but not excessive male pattern baldness. I am 54 and look 40 for some reason..
I dont drink I dont smoke and am healthy.
Everything is perfect except I am sitting here wearing woman's underwear which are more natural and comfy..
I hate to cut my nails, I hate to cut my hair.. I am ready to start HRT ...
Doc says with ffs I will be passable and ok looking... hard for me to believe I could ever pass even said could make me look even younger.. I think thats a pipe dream.
Since the bell went off I have now lost 25lbs I am not overeating..I am taking care of my body as if I am already transforming it to perfect health.
When I think about not doing the transition I get to a I dont freakin give a f.... and want to go get some damn fried catfish and chocolate cake and Ice cream.. yummm
So I am a mess .
Gonna talk with therapist again soon.. about how can I cope without transitioning..  so far I have been miserable all my life about my body image.
Not one day goes by I don't think about it. 
At this point I plan on HRT and I will not be cutting my hair again..ever.. even if I don't transition.. I am going for a new look.. in shape with a dang pony tail.. thats the least I can do for myself.
To transition or not to transition.. that is the question..... My wife said she would rather see me cope by buying an aerobatic plane...she does not care if I spend 100k... so if you see a plane with a pink tail at an airshow that might be me....
Thanks for all the thoughts.. great group and appreciate you all... I know the decision is mine alone.. its hard.. very hard.
Carrie

[Kate G]

It sounds like you were a good father and a good provider probably and I think it would be fair now to begin to do some things for yourself.  So I say go for it if you believe it will improve your quality of life.  The things people typically regret before they die are the things they failed to do, not the things they did do.  Are you prepared to loose your wife?  Do you think it will come to that?  You gotta save yourself before you can save anybody else and I feel like you deserve the right to retire [old self].

But keep in mind this advice is coming from someone who transitioned in order to have the social experience of being female and I think that would be pretty tough to do when you are married to someone who would be unhappy with your transition.  Also not to be judgmental but you mentioned wearing women's underwear and that is not something I can relate to.  I only became interested in women's underwear when I wanted to match my undergarments with my outerwear. And really it was my M2F girlfriend who caused me to start thinking that I needed to start wearing women's underwear.  I say this because underwear typically won't allow someone to have the social experience of being female so... I am not sure I understand your need to transition.  However, I imagine there are plenty of women who transitioned who primarily transitioned for the feminine things? Perhaps part of your transition might include talking things over with a therapist which is recommended for anyone considering transition.

And like I was saying before, it sounds like you have done enough for others, time to work on you.

[carrie359]

Joules,
I am seeing my therapist again soon.  I am looking at a similar road map as you... maybe...
The dysphoria set in like it did when I was younger.. I fought it off then but never got over it... even though my wife thought I had..
I wish I could just be happy like I am.
My wife wants me to find a way to cope and stay as me.... I hope I can. My wife looks like a model and she could have anyone.. but she loves me... I don't get it..even knowing how I am..
For a guy I am very lucky.. people are drawn to me ..they want to do business with me.. they trust me and I have never lost a customer in my business in over 25 years.
She thinks this will ruin me.. and she may be right.
I am looking at the gain vs loss scenario.. on this..  Its a cruel thing to live with.. but there are others worse off than we/I am...at least I am not dying of cancer or some catastrophic disease.. I should just be happy that I am healthy and beat this thing somehow or learn to cope..
I hate feeling like I have been in the wrong body all my life..its been exhausting on my soul.
I could be a hero and hide it for another 30 years..somehow..
Transition is so hard.. voice, hair, surgery, coming out, making a living.. everything changes... I think I am going online to look for a dang plane.....
Carrie

[Kate G]

Transition is so hard.. voice, hair, surgery, coming out, making a living.. everything changes... I think I am going online to look for a dang plane.....
Carrie

It's hardest when looking at it from the point of trying to make a decision whether to do it or not.

It's relatively easy taken one day at a time.

It would be difficult to build a house if you had to lay every individual brick at the same time and that is how most people who haven't started transition yet tend to look at it.  But houses are typically built by laying one brick at a time and transition is typically accomplished one day at a time and perhaps more accurate to say one moment at a time.  Try not to get all up in your head, fears and impossibilities tend to come from imagining not doing. Doing is the best way to overcome fears and feelings of impossibility.

[carrie359]

Kate,
Great post and points.. well taken thanks,
Carrie

[Donna Elvira]

Carrie,

One thing to keep in mind (as if you don't have enough already), is that there are degrees of transitioning.  I have sometimes heard it referred to as a triad, the three parts being: HRT, FFS and SRS.

There is no transition rule book that says all three parts are mandatory, or even any of them for that matter.  I'm doubtful if I could ever become credibly feminine, but I'm at least going to do HRT and see what it looks like from there.  Like you, I'm growing my hair and will probably never cut it short again.  If I get through a year or so of HRT and I like what I see, if I feel hopeful that my appearance could occasionally be misconstrued as female, I'll take it further.  Who knows, I may decide I'm happy with the results of just HRT and being a hybrid gender of sorts, and stay right there without even presenting female.  I might even get some surgery, eg, an orchi, SRS, BA or (doubtful) breast reduction.

I have heard stories of transwomen who are very much surprised with the results of HRT and go on to become very attractive females with little or no hints of masculinity.  Further, they may choose to stop right there, without further physical changes.  And of course, there are degrees within the various surgeries, orchi only, trachea shave only, etc.

There is no need to lock on to a particular course of action in transitioning.  Some trans people have that as their method of approaching a project, i.e., aim high and set out for the whole enchilada without ever considering intermediate stopping points, and that's cool too.

It's YOUR transition, do it the way you like!!!!!

Hi Joules,
If that is you in your avatar image, my feedback to you is that it would require very little for you to become credibily feminine, you look really good.  I started my journey from a far more difficult place than you regarding appearance but by applying the first two elements of your triad, HRT, FFS plus hair transplants which have also made a huge difference, today I pass comfortably.
Sure anyone who really pays attention will pick up on things like my large hands but for most day to day situations I really have no problem and my employer has also accepted the principle of transitioning on the job .
For both your benefit and Carrie's, I also started my transition very late, over 50, waiting until my Dad passed away and my kids were adults before making a move. I  also went very slowly, first experience of HRT in 2008, upper face FFS in 2011, lower face FFS one year later, hair transplants 5 months after that and, barring presently unforeseen events, no doubt GRS next summer. I basically gave myself lot's of time to insure that both I and the people who count in my life were comfortable with where I was going.   
Even if neither of us knew what the final outcome would be, I did however have the understanding and support of my wife which clearly had a huge impact on my decision making process.
Wishing you both all the best whatever choice you make.
Hugs
Donna

[K8]

Transition is a gradual process.  I came out to my friends.  I started HRT.  I changed my name.  I began RLE.  I had SRS.  I continued to learn and change and develop.  It's quite a journey, but you can stop anywhere along the line.  (I didn't have FFS.  I thought I'd rather be an ugly woman than any kind of man, but nature and the hormones have been kind to me.  I'm no beauty, but not all women are.)

Once you come out, the cat is out of the bag.  I came out as transgendered and said only that I liked wearing women's clothes.  It was only later that I decided to go all the way and told my friends and family that I was getting SRS.

The main stumbling blocks for me were within me.  I think that is true for many of us.

A good therapist or counselor can help.  The support of friends and loved ones is invaluable, but many don't have that.  Your wife may not want to stay married, but she may stay a friend. 

It is very hard to risk what you already have for an unknown.  Only you can decide how much you are willing to risk to live as your true self.

Good luck on your journey.
- Kate

[ann45]

Carrie, this post looked so familiar I had to check the name to be sure I hadn't posted it myself. I am trying to work out the same issues but you mentioned buying that plane and I was reminded of how much money and time I have spent trying to make these feelings go away. I have come to the realization that the reason things and activities don't work for more than a short reprieve is because these things affect me on a superficial level and what needs correcting is something I feel that is at the very core of who I am as a human being. I'm not saying don't buy the plane, just hang unto the receipt.

[carrie359]

Wow, what a great bunch of sisters we have here on Susan's.
After I posted this I went to see a customer.. a man and a woman.  I was sitting next to the woman.. the guy across the table was like a lumberjack... I had shaved my arms so I felt a little uncomfortable thinking they might notice.. I also had shaped my nails a little longer than they should be but look great with my small hands.
Long story short, the nice looking gal sitting next me me had hands just like mine.. It felt weird so I tried to keep my hands out of site and both our arms had no hair..
I have also lost a ton of weight so my face is thinner.. I have blue eyes and small nose..  Lisa looked at me after the guy left and said, I would kill for your nose and eyes... you have a nice face..
I thought.. sister you don't know the half of it...

It killed me.. that is what I am fighting.. I have had many women say I would have been a good lookin gal...damn it. When I was young woman would say you should have been a girl...because of my face.. pisses me off now.. Testosterone and age has done damage over the years... I think I am past that point now but who knows...for sure I need a face lift.. and FFS... HRT may help.. I hope so.
I will post my pic one day... not ready yet.. may wait until I am on HRT for a few months and my hair is longer... my wife practically shaves my head when she gives me a hair cut.. from now on I am going to the salon..
Carrie

[Donna Elvira]

Transition is a gradual process.  I came out to my friends.  I started HRT.  I changed my name.  I began RLE.  I had SRS.  I continued to learn and change and develop.  It's quite a journey, but you can stop anywhere along the line.  (I didn't have FFS.  I thought I'd rather be an ugly woman than any kind of man, but nature and the hormones have been kind to me.  I'm no beauty, but not all women are.)

Once you come out, the cat is out of the bag.  I came out as transgendered and said only that I liked wearing women's clothes.  It was only later that I decided to go all the way and told my friends and family that I was getting SRS.

The main stumbling blocks for me were within me.  I think that is true for many of us.

A good therapist or counselor can help.  The support of friends and loved ones is invaluable, but many don't have that.  Your wife may not want to stay married, but she may stay a friend. 

It is very hard to risk what you already have for an unknown.  Only you can decide how much you are willing to risk to live as your true self.

Good luck on your journey.
- Kate

Thanks for that contribution Kate and I fully agree with you. Again for Carrie and Joules (thank you so much for your kind words BTW!  ), there have been a couple of excellent threads on this general theme over the last couple of days. If you haven't seen them yet, I suggest you have a look at these:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,148843.0.html

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,149002.0.html


Wishing you all the best.
Donna