Hello
Um well I joined this forum a while ago but could never bring myself to post for some reason, so I figured introducing myself would help break me out of my shell, I guess. My name is Sam, I'm FTM. Ironically, before I was born I was predicted to be male and I was to be given the name Michael but unfortunately, I was born in a female's body and given the name Samantha. That name never seemed to fit for me as a child and would refuse to answer to it, only to Sam or Sammy and Sam is the name I choose to keep, though it's hard to explain to people who don't know me. I always get the question of it being short for Samantha, which triggers my dysphoria big time.
When I was younger, about the time when I was in elementary school, I would go around admitting that I felt like a boy in a girl's body but was told, not just by other kids but by my family as well, to not say that because it was disgusting. I grew up ashamed of how I felt about myself and forced myself to identify as female. There was one point where I had really long hair and wore makeup, even though I hated it. There's one thing I couldn't seem to deny about myself and that was my attraction to girls. The first woman I remember having a crush on was my first grade teacher. I started coming to terms with it when I was in high school and eased my way into it by coming out as bi and after high school, as a lesbian. Again I faced opposition within my family, I was called an abomination by my grandmother and didn't speak to her for over a year and at home I was told to "tone down the gay" because my parents felt I was throwing it in their faces by having a rainbow flag on my wall. But being "gay" still didn't seem to fit for me. I kept feeling that little itch in the back of my mind that I didn't match. That something wasn't fitting. So started paying attention to myself and remembered that all too familiar feeling of actually being male. I started researching things related to being genderqueer, the more I researched the more I felt that I was starting to understand myself. I took the route of stepping stones again and started coming out as bigendered, because I forced myself to believe that I'm female most of my life and I wasn't ready to let go of that security blanket of "social norm" just yet. Eventually that wasn't enough and recently I've been coming out as male to people I know. I go to therapy once a week to try to not feel so crappy about myself, to try and get over the fact that I don't have the most supportive family in the world but I also don't have the worst situation either (I could have been kicked out and disowned just for coming out as gay when I was a teenager), and to try to work on getting through transition.
I do have one giant obstacle in my way though. I'm enlisted in the military, and they view being transgender as a mental illness not fit for duty. I've been enlisted since I was 17, four years ago, and I still have 4 more years left in my contract. For me, choosing between fitting my body to match who I am and the one solid, concrete thing I have in my life is the hardest decision I could ever make. It's a constant struggle. On one hand I want to be who I am and on the other I want to finish out my contract because being in the military is really the only thing I'm good at. I just try to keep in mind that the military is temporary and I'll eventually finish but I have my whole life to transition.
I'm not fully out yet and I'm terrified of coming out to my family since the harshness I received for my sexual preference, but I'm still me and I can't deny it anymore.
Well that's my story, I needed to put it out there somewhere and I'm glad there's a place like this that's safe for me to do so. Also I'm sorry it's so long.
