I went to the "Maul" today, a lunch-and-shopping trip with a good friend of mine...she passes 110%, very chatty, cheerful, and for some reason likes to go out with me from time to time.
So we go to the various stores and boutiques, having a good time...but the constant "size 8" clothing and short (naturally so!) cis-women start wearing on me...nevermind I just finished making a size 28 dress for myself (which looks good, and I wear it well) and there are mirrors EVERYWHERE...
And the plethora of couples (I haven't had a relationship in a long time...a looooong time) got me thinking, "Who would want such a 'person' as myself? What do I have to offer them? Apparently nothing, because, quite frankly, no one has ever expressed that kind of interest in me."
Yeah, I know...to have a friend, one has to be a friend. Well I must be a pretty useless friend, because no one IRL even looks at me as a potential keeper...and the ones I approach usually say something like, "Err...no thanks, I'm good."
In my "cocoon", my safe little apartment and at my work, I'm fine. I'm not reminded that I'm so horrible...and I can keep myself believing that I could be a good catch, if only I could leave my safe zone.
And I can live with that delusion...but when I go out...the mirage fades, and I must face reality: I am not wanted.
That's why I call major retail centers "The Maul", because it feels like I was chewed up and spat out by the idea "if you're a size 8, you're too big!" and "See? No one even says hi to YOU"
Yeah, it's just my insecurities. Just wanted to vent.
