Pre-HRT Transgendered girl seeking advice/solace

[EeplesnBaneenees]

Hello to all.

My name is Alexia and I'm transgender. After 16 years of knowing there was something different about me and trying to deny it and put it in the back of my mind, it feels so good to state that I'm, in fact, transgender. I feel that was the first, massive stepping stone to happiness.

I'm not going to come on here and complain and talk about how confused I am and wahh wahh wahh. Frankly I know every single person on this site has gone through or is going through exactly what I'm going through. The same emotions, fears, apprehensions, feelings, etc.

What I am going to do is state that I am new to all of this. I've been busting my butt doing as much research as possible. I truly do feel alone in this currently, since I know not a single trans person. What I'm seeking from this forum thread is advice, and community.

There's a wealth of knowledge I've come across, but so much of it is conflicting upon itself, so I'm seeking the advice of people who have been where I'm at, and who can steer me in the right direction and can give me an idea of what I can expect out of my journey, myself, my friends/family, my therapist, etc.

I've currently come out to my mom and few of my friends, and am actively seeking a qualified therapist to handle my transition. Frankly, I'm miserable where I'm at currently. That "nagging" in the back of my mind is getting stronger and stronger, clouding my thoughts constantly. I know I must make a change, and soon.

I appreciate you all for reading this thread, and strongly welcome any and all advice, compassion, comfort, and community you are willing to give. I need friends.

Thank you
-Alexia

[Darkie]

Welcome Alexia to our little family!  You aren't alone, we are all here to help you as much as you request or need. 

[bethany]

Hello Alexia, Welcome to Susan's. Congratulations on taken the first steps of your journey. Coming out to those closest to you can be a very daunting endeavor, I hope this went well for you.

Feel free to ask as many questions as you need I know some one here will have the answers for you.

Hugs
Bethany

[Marissa]

Hi Alexia,

Nice to meet you!  I know what you mean about not knowing any trans people IRL.  I live in a semi-rural area in Maine and I wish I knew other TG ppl. but Susan's is great and there are a lot of nice folks to talk to here.  I am so thankful that we have Susan's and the Internet in general.  How much harder it must have been for country dwellers before!  TBH, there is a trans group not too far away and I've been meaning to get to a meeting, but haven't yet. 

Oops, didn't mean to make this post about me.  It sounds like you've already made some great first steps coming out to mom & friends and starting to look for a therapist.  Congratulations!  I look forward to reading your posts!

Hugs, Marissa

[EeplesnBaneenees]

Thank you all for your warm welcome to the site. It's greatly appreciated.

My current status is that of confusion, apprehension, excitement, and hope. I'd say I am 80% sure I am transgender, with that other 20% being my mind casting doubts. Being afraid of being myself, mostly. Being afraid of what my friends/family will think, etc. With each passing day I'm able to accept it more, feeling like I'm finally on the right path to become a healthy, happy woman.

Currently I am seeking out the right therapist for me. I've read numerous threads, forums, etc and it seems that this is definitely the right way to go. A progressive, open-minded therapist who will help shed any doubts that transition is right for me.

Does there have to be a certain qualification the therapist has to write me a referral to begin HRT? I've been coming across many different, conflicting information regarding this. My issue is that I don't want to invest money and time into a therapist for months and then find out they aren't authorized to write that referral, making me start all over again. How does that work, ideally?

As with all of you, I'm sure, this has been a very difficult journey, and I feel like I'm just now starting to see some light. I'm ready to live for myself...not others.

I'm sure I'll be posting much more as I continue this journey.

All thoughts, concerns, advice are greatly appreciated.

-Alexia

[bethany]

Look for a therapist who specializes in gender issues.
When you first speak with your therapist be honest about yourself and your feelings. I know it will be hard at first but the more you talk about things the easier they will become to handle. I was working with a therapist who does not specialize with people who have gender dysphoria, I was his first trans patient, and he was more than willing to write my letter for me to start HRT.
He worked with me for almost two years before I made up my mind to start my transition because of being afraid of the unknown.
Now I am very comfortable with who I am.

I wish you the best.

[Murbella]

Even if you end up with a therapist who can't directly write scripts/referrals for HRT, chances are good that if they list gender issues as one of their specialties they will be able to direct you in the proper direction to someone who can.  If they don't have that information ready when you are at that point, then you should find yourself someone else.  Your best bet at this point is just to start a dialog with someone who can help you work through your feelings and insure there isn't any other issues in the way of you making a healthy transition.

[KayCeeDee]

Your local LGBT center should be able to help point you to someone, or you could also try Planned Parenthood.

[EeplesnBaneenees]

Aww geeze I didn't even think about Planned Parenthood. I'll give them a call tomorrow. There unfortunately isn't a LGBT center here Indianapolis. The only center I found was for youth, and they wouldn't help me since I was older than 21. That kind of upset me. Anyways, thanks for the advice and direction. It it much appreciated!

[EeplesnBaneenees]

UPDATE 9/20/2013

I finally have my therapist narrowed down. She's an amazing person here in Indianapolis, and has 20 years of experience in dealing with transgender individuals. She's very comforting and open-minded. I'm looking forward to working with her

I recently came out to my mom. She took it rather hard at first. She thought at first I was going to tell her I was gay. Definitely caught her off guard! She's been asking me a ton of questions and doing research of her own. She's actually started seeing her own therapist in order to better understand what I'm going through, as well as learn to cope with this drastic change.

I absolutely love that she's asking me all of these questions. While she still doesn't fully understand everything, I know she's trying, and will always be there with me no matter what. I feel so lucky and blessed to have a mom like her. I can't wait for her to be happy of the daughter she is going to gain.

I write this now with tears in my eyes, knowing that I'm not alone in this. A few of my friends, my mom, and this amazing community of beautiful individuals have all been a blessing. Thank you all.

-alexia

[FrancisAnn]

Alexia, First welcome & second it is great for you to confide with your mother. She is your blood & will stay with you thru thick & thin. It seems you can become her loving daughter.

After your therapist & her letter you can start HRT with some physician. Just follow the physicians plan. You can post the type of HRT on SP & receive comments. Second if you have any facial hair now is the time to remove all of it. Remove all, every little hair, laser or electrolysis, whatever it takes.

Dry your eyes, you are going to be a beautiful young woman & daughter for your caring mother.

 

[Bunny Girl Zoe]

Welcome to forum and it great that came out to your mum as be needing her support in your path womanhood. 

[EeplesnBaneenees]

Thank you all so much for your warm welcomes. It feels so good for that "alone" feeling to dissipate, finally. It's so amazing to know that there are plenty of other beautiful women out there who are dealing with the exact same things I am.

*UPDATE 9/24/2013*

Today I had my first session with my therapist. She's had 20+ years experience working with transgender individuals. She's a very nice, open-minded therapist who's laid back and very accepting. We hit it off great and had a nice discussion about what I want to accomplish in therapy. She's qualified to write me a referral for HRT. I'm really looking forward to working with her in order to get my transition underway.

I had lunch with my mom shortly after my therapy. I was wearing light makeup and a bra. My mom wasn't ready for that, asking me to take off the bra. I took it off for her, since she's not quite ready for that. I was slightly sad and disappointed, but I completely understand. I've been struggling with this since puberty, but have just recently sprung it on her. So I can't be that upset, as she hasn't had much time to process it. It still kinda hurt though, you know what I mean? She was worried about what her coworkers might think, worried that if they were to ask questions, they'd ask her, not me, and she didn't want to have to deal with that. That's a normal response, right?

Other than that, we had a nice lunch together. We talked about some girl topics, like wigs and shoes, etc. But it was pretty brief, and I could see that she was slightly uncomfortable. She wants to go to a TG support group with me, so that's exciting.

I know she's trying. And I greatly appreciate that from her. It's going to take her a long time. I'm trying to keep reminding her that this isn't an overnight transition; that we have plenty of time to work through it and figure out the best time to tell friends and family.

So that's where I'm at right now! Very very excited to get this going! I'm one step closer to HRT and being the beautiful woman I am on the inside

I know this quote is in my signature, but I'll make it bigger here. It's one of my favorite lyrics, from the song "Let your troubles roll by" by Carbon Leaf.

"You've come far and though you're far from the end, you don't mind where you are 'cause you know where you've been."

Thank you all for reading

-Alexia

[Jessica Merriman]

Welcome! Sounds like you are on the right path and handling it well. There is tons of support here so you are not alone. You are family now and I hope you keep us up to date. Have a great day!

[Ltl89]

Thank you all so much for your warm welcomes. It feels so good for that "alone" feeling to dissipate, finally. It's so amazing to know that there are plenty of other beautiful women out there who are dealing with the exact same things I am.

*UPDATE 9/24/2013*

Today I had my first session with my therapist. She's had 20+ years experience working with transgender individuals. She's a very nice, open-minded therapist who's laid back and very accepting. We hit it off great and had a nice discussion about what I want to accomplish in therapy. She's qualified to write me a referral for HRT. I'm really looking forward to working with her in order to get my transition underway.

I had lunch with my mom shortly after my therapy. I was wearing light makeup and a bra. My mom wasn't ready for that, asking me to take off the bra. I took it off for her, since she's not quite ready for that. I was slightly sad and disappointed, but I completely understand. I've been struggling with this since puberty, but have just recently sprung it on her. So I can't be that upset, as she hasn't had much time to process it. It still kinda hurt though, you know what I mean? She was worried about what her coworkers might think, worried that if they were to ask questions, they'd ask her, not me, and she didn't want to have to deal with that. That's a normal response, right?

Other than that, we had a nice lunch together. We talked about some girl topics, like wigs and shoes, etc. But it was pretty brief, and I could see that she was slightly uncomfortable. She wants to go to a TG support group with me, so that's exciting.

I know she's trying. And I greatly appreciate that from her. It's going to take her a long time. I'm trying to keep reminding her that this isn't an overnight transition; that we have plenty of time to work through it and figure out the best time to tell friends and family.

So that's where I'm at right now! Very very excited to get this going! I'm one step closer to HRT and being the beautiful woman I am on the inside

I know this quote is in my signature, but I'll make it bigger here. It's one of my favorite lyrics, from the song "Let your troubles roll by" by Carbon Leaf.

"You've come far and though you're far from the end, you don't mind where you are 'cause you know where you've been."

Thank you all for reading

-Alexia

Congrats!  Happy to hear about the positive development.

About your mother, I can't say anything substantial without knowing her.  What I would say is that it's at least a good sign that you two are able to go out and eat together during the initial stages.  That may sound silly, but seriously that sounds like a good sign.

[EeplesnBaneenees]

*UPDATE 10/8/2013*

Whew! So a lot has happened since the last time I updated this. For starters, I changed my name!! I'm no longer Alexia. It's something I've struggled with deciding, but Alexia/Lexi is too close to my male name (Alex), and I don't want to just do a derivative of that name. I want something different, to let go of this past life. So, with further ado, I present to you...Kathrynne Rhae!! But please, call me Katie

I just have to say that I have the most amazing friends. A few of them have already changed my name in their phones to Katie and have been calling me Katie, even giving me cute lil nicknames like Katie bug and Katydid It feels so, so good to hear that. Ugh. So good!!!

I had an amazing weekend. Two awesome experiences happened at the mall on Sunday. I went to VS to get a new bra. I found the bra I wanted, but they didnt have my size. I asked one of the salesgirls if they had any more in the back, and asked for my size. She asked if it were for me or my girlfriend, to which I replied "me." Her face lit up, as she said "aww great! let me get that for you!" Just something that small feels so damn good To know that I didnt have to worry or feel self conscious at all, that I was just another girl in there shopping. The second thing was when I then went to Sephora. I asked one of the girls there for help with eyeshadow colors and techniques. This girl, Sarah, introduced herself and sat me down and began to help me. She showed me a bunch of different colors that would be good for my eyes and began to teach me a couple different looks/styles that would work. She talked me through it step by step and had me do one eye to replicate what she did. She was extremely helpful, and asked a bunch of questions regarding my transition. She was very curious and eager to learn more about me. She spent almost 40 minutes helping me. I felt like a princess! At the end, I said, "thanks so much sarah," to which she replied "no problem katie! come see me again soon!" I almost got teary eyed at that! I tried really hard not to, as to not ruin what we had just worked on with my eyes lol.

Finally today I had my fourth therapy session. I had an amazing talk with my therapist. We talked a lot about how soon I want to start hormones and my mental schedule for when I want to get things moving. She said she honestly had no issue giving me my referral for HRT whenever I'm ready. So that's so awesome!!! I got all giddy!! I couldn't stop fidgeting there in the chair. So that's really exciting I am hoping to get my bloodwork done and get started on hormones starting early December. It feels so good to be seeing results and know that I'm moving in the right direction.

So yeah. That's where I'm at right now. I have amazing friends, and I feel accepted and know that I'm moving toward finally being happy.

Keep your heads up ladies You're all so beautiful and all of you deserve to be happy. While this road we travel is a rocky one plagued with valleys and mountains, know you're not alone in this. Don't ever feel alone. People out there love you. While they might have a hard time coping with this change, they still love you, and they'll come along sooner or later. Be patient with them. And if they never come around, oh well! They're loss on knowing a super awesome chick.

Thank you all so much

-Katie Rhae

[Megumi]

That's awesome Katie! I'm so glad you are having positive experiences being yourself out in public

[KayCeeDee]

Fantastic Katie!  Yeah I've always found that VS and Sephora to be amazing... in fact just about everyone has been wonderful with regards to me being trans.  I'm so happy to hear all the good news from you

[EeplesnBaneenees]

That's so great Orihime!!!

Last night there was this web community get-together at a local bar that my friend is a part of. She was nervous and asked me to go. So I got all dressed up and went and introduced myself as Katie the whole night! No one in that entire bar said a word of malice or angst to me the entire night. My friend and I were talking to these two guys and they kept using pronouns like "her" and "she" when referring to me. That felt soooooo wonderful!!! And then when my friend and I were outside smoking, one of those guys came out and said something along the lines of "two beautiful girls out here by themselves...you two should be careful!" Again, that just felt so amazing and made me feel so damn good inside.

I was slightly nervous at the beginning, but I just said "eff" it and went for it, and the results couldn't have been better. Feeling accepted for who I am and as just "one of the girls" is the best feeling in the world.

I hope you all have similar results, so that each and every one of us can move forward and lead happy, meaningful lives as the women we are.

I hope you all have the most amazing hump day

-katie