taking care of yourself

[BeefxCake]

So i have been having these thoughts lately going to the gym.

I'm pre everything, heck im only just now coming out to some close friends and family.

i have been going to the gym since january, regularly too. which to me is a big deal. i never commit like that.

but lately, since i've been dysphoric about my body more so lately that i've been in college, and i see guys everywhere. like, what's it all for? no matter how hard i work out i will never get the bulk of even a scrawny guy.

and then i think, one day... when i have a "male body" i'll treat it like a well oiled machine... like right now i just don't even care about this body and it's like im waiting till it's worth it i guess....

i know i should keep going to the gym but man, dysphoria sucks..

anyway, anyone else have this feeling of when im a man then __________ will be more important ( building muscle, buying nicer clothes, etc)

[Alex]

Hey, congrats on going to the gym!! I think you should try to stick with it. When you finally start T you will already be in the habit of going. And don't you feel healthier since starting? Dysphoria does suck, but every time you have a bad thought maybe you should try to have an opposite positive thought. Like instead of thinking about how you don't have the muscles you want right now, think about how awesome you will feel when you DO have those muscles and just concentrate on that.

anyway, anyone else have this feeling of when im a man then __________ will be more important ( building muscle, buying nicer clothes, etc)

I feel that way all the time. My appearance will be more important, keeping a daily routine will be more important. My health will definitely be more important. Hell, everything in my life will be more important. Right now I'm just sitting here being lazy but I'm closer to transitioning than I was 6 months ago because I have a therapist not too far away. Now I just need to get motivated to work out, like you are doing. 

[King Malachite]

I can so relate to this.  I tend to get down because I'm pre-transition and because of that, my health is suffering.  I start to think "well when I'm in transition, I'll care about myself more so I'll start working out more, etc. so I can be fitter."  It really is an internal struggle.

[Dante]

I understand you completely. I started working out about a month and a half ago, finally getting some motivation after many years of not caring at all because I thought that even though it wouldn't fix everything, it would help. I'm losing steam rapidly though, because in all this time of exercising and dieting and counting calories I've not lost a single pound. Absolutely nothing.

It's really hard to keep up the motivation when the end goal is just as repulsive as where you are. But you should still keep at it! It will help at least some, and when you start transitioning, you'll be off to a better start than you would have been otherwise.

[BeefxCake]

yeah,, I'll keep going of course, haha funny thing is it's the only time i can get any of my social studies reading in. i sit on that bike and go with book in hand,

but yeah i think it might be a collective of college stress too.. i know i shouldn't be stresing out about college and having more fun but for whatever reason i feel like it's the end of the world if i don't get something done and it's draining me... i really need to stop sweating the small stuff cuz seriously im gonna drive myself into a hole.

[Magnus]

Felt the same way until T and in some regards I still do. Before T I didn't really see the point of working out and such because as soon as I was on T I'd get the better returns. I'm happy I followed that instinct and didn't because I'm still going to have to put in the same effort but, as I said, better return for it with T. I did used to lift in high school but there was a a good four year gap from then until that point so figured I'd wait and still happy I did for the same reason. I'm being held up on that right now though because the new (Fitness 19) gym isn't going to be finished until a couple more months (been waiting since April). The equipment I bought in '08 has a 150lb limit on its pulley system (which includes the safety spotter) and it won't permit me to really work out (well that and the fact its been buried under a bunch of crud in the garage and having to move my mom's SUV in and out of there to use it kind of puts a real damper on really getting to it). I'm not foolish enough to train absolute max to failure without using that safety measure of my bench... it is just really not a good idea but I find that's the only way to really work out with weights and get worthwhile gains but it is more risky especially without an actual human spotter. So yeah before T I could lift more than that in a lot of things and now I'm sure I can lift a lot more with it (well, once I get back to it that is) so I might end up selling it but only if this gym actually does happen. I'm getting rather impatient for it as you can imagine especially when I keep getting cues on a daily basis it's time to start... I have to stretch and crack things on practically an hourly basis and so I know my body wants a good thorough workout. That's a good thing, but it is annoying (but I suppose I won't lack motivation if that keeps up) lol.

As to clothes, I'm dreading that part. It is pretty much a fact that unless you want to appear into the whole "gangsta" scene (and no offense intended for those that like that, it's just not for me) you have to go to a mall store to find some clothes without that particular flair I care nothing for personally and for a lot more money. I mean especially pertaining to pants and shorts. I can't stand them baggy and too long but that is all you can really find in the poor man's department stores now. In the case of shorts, its almost impossible to find any that don't go way past the knee anymore. To me, that defeats the point of them. I'm just more old-fashioned (conservative I suppose), I prefer the cuts of the late 80's and early 90's. So I'm definitely not looking forward to having to get new clothes when I start losing weight and building more muscle (the binders in particular are going to hurt there). Maybe I'll luck out and not have too. Otherwise, Outdoor World has quality clothes (as in shirts that don't get mangled their first go through the washer. Let's just say I'll never go with Hanes-anything again over that problem they are especially prone to. Their underwear is the worst there and I hate it. Soon as I can get a drawer full of Champion and thicker, more durable T-shirts I'm holding a Hanes burning ceremony in the fire pit. I'm perfectly serious) but at increased prices. I have a shirt I got there that still looks brand new six years on (but see it is on the other hand a little depressing I'm still requiring the XL. I know. Indecision.), that's exactly what I'm after.

Funny thing, for me after about two months on T I actually cleared out my bathroom cabinet (I never did that in the 12 years of living here. Never once used it, never spent any time in there more than absolutely necessary. I certainly never got around to any 'primping') and then meticulously set it up with all my man-grooming stuff. I now don't mind looking in the mirror and even (ashamedly) enjoy it sometimes. And maybe this is just afterglow, but I really don't know what most guys complain about with shaving as I find it to be relaxing and far from a chore. Feels really good and not just because I can now but because it does really, physically feel good. So I spend a fair bit longer in the throne room now than I ever did. Not teenage-girl amount of time but you know. T is great stuff. I never thought I'd care about myself, much less vanity even with T but I'm happy to have been wrong (basically the reason I got in and got out of there so fast all of the time is because I never liked mirrors. Not a problem anymore). I'm actually seeing a lot more of my grandfather (he passed before I really knew him in '93, not too long after my 4th birthday) in my features which is pretty cool. Before I'd only seen my dad there. Gene expression is a funny thing. That probably has to be my favorite thing that T has done for me in a sort of non-transition related way. I don't miss him so much because in an odd way I can still see a little of him every day now. In fact, I use his old leather vanity case thing for my T and all the stuff required for that... it's perfect. But anyway, enough with the sappy stuff.

This is a perfectly typical stage in pre-transition. It goes away after T or so that's my experience. The grass definitely gets greener.

[ford]

I'll second all those who say keep it up, especially pre-T. I suspect a fit body shows more clear cut changes with T (in terms of visible muscle). No proof to back that up other than anecdotal evidence of my own.

Next, forming good workout habits early is never a bad idea. You'll thank yourself later.

Finally, if dysphoria at the gym is getting you down, consider alternatives. If you have any nice forests or parks in your area you can get away from it all and go for a run. I love running out in nature because there is zero pressure to conform to any kind of gender stereotype. There's no one around to judge you; you can really be whoever the heck you want to be. Then there's the option to exercise at home, which can be done with no equipment (look up the Insanity program - no equipment, and you need very little space).

[chuck]

def. keep it up. I would suggest focusing on keeping your body fat to a minimum. Cardio as a focus. then when it comes time to start t and pack on the muscle, you will be able to bulk up without worrying as much about gettign at as some guys.

[FTMDiaries]

^This. Never quit; keeping your body fat percentage down will help minimise any non-masculine features and keeping fit in general will help you build muscle when you're on T, because by then you'll already have a good form.

I tend to completely ignore other people in the gym. I'm not there to compare myself to them; I'm there to do the best I can do. So if somebody is taller, more muscular, thinner or whatever... that has got nothing to do with me. I'm just there to get my own results. I also use my iPhone to zone out from the crowd: if I'm doing a long cardio session I tend to watch pre-selected TV shows or movies; for anything else I use custom playlists that suit my mood or activity.

[BeefxCake]

Ford: i dont really pay attention to people in the gym, its when im out of the gym just walking around campus where i get all weird and dysphoric, which is dumb i know i shouldnt be doing that to myself but i do anyway apparently.

As far as home workouts go i did p90x for about 4 months and i really liked doing that, got me some abs and s**t. XD

Chuck: yeah i've been trying to keep my body fat down, the idea of breastal region growing at all is terrifying. The food they serve at university though is anything but helpful. -.-

[AdamMLP]

I've only had access to a gym for eleven days, but I've been using it since then (actually I should really be getting changed now), and I feel weirdly more dysphoric since.  A lot of things have changed since then though, so I don't know if that's because of the gym or because of living in female accommodation or whatever.  I think I'm sort of the same with seeing loads of guys around that are much bigger than me, because I'm living with 201 of them and 9 girls, and I'm the smallest of the lot.  I just try and live in my head where I'm 6'1" instead of 5'1" and my shoulders are beasty.

[Natkat]

I can relate, I had treated my body so horrible in my past but I really didn't care.

however now when I pass I still not treating it so well as I should, Lazyness got its power, but I do try to learn to cook healthy and such things.

[Taka]

I understand you completely. I started working out about a month and a half ago, finally getting some motivation after many years of not caring at all because I thought that even though it wouldn't fix everything, it would help. I'm losing steam rapidly though, because in all this time of exercising and dieting and counting calories I've not lost a single pound. Absolutely nothing.

start using measure tape instead of a scale. muscle weighs more than fat, so you might be changing the ratio even if your weight doesn't change. my brother is hesitant about working out because it doesn't change his weight, means he's losing the little fat he has on his body, his weight should ideally go up when working out.
modeling agencies don't care about bmi when scouting models, it's all about the right proportions. measure tape will tell you the truths that you need to know. one inch off your waist is more helpful to your health than a pound more or less. because you don't know where that pound really sits.


and for the actual question...
mm, i also think it would be so much more rewarding to do all the healthy stuff in a maler body. i should quit letting laziness stop me (though the lack of a shower in this house is probably a more likely reason for me not working out).

[Rossiter]

Taking care of yourself is mostly about forming good habits, so the sooner you start the better. Even if being on t is motivating, it might not be enough to break multiple bad habits all at once.

@BeefxCake: You can definitely have "the bulk of a scrawny guy" pre-t. I mean, I certainly know girls who have bigger muscles than some of the guys I know...you don't exactly need to be big to be bulkier than a scrawny guy, unless you're picturing something really different than I am for "scrawny guy". Either way there's really no downside to continuing to work out. Do you lift? That would probably be more rewarding than not, since even if you aren't seeing as much of an increase in mass as you'd like you'll still be making strength gains (assuming your diet is appropriate).

[BeefxCake]

I do lift weight, i can curl 50 if i use both hands ( like ona  machine, but if i have single dumbells i go 20 for each arm) and i have gotten bigger muscles, and im not fat, but the growth is like :

http://www.wellness-and-workouts.com/images/Muscle_building_workouts_collage_001.jpg which is really awesome looking for a woman but I've been lifting heavy weights since january. 9 months i feel like i should have a bigger change or something :/ my arms kinda just look flabby without definition but they're actually quite solid. which kinda pisses me off

like this guy http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/05/31/article-2152682-1361B1DB000005DC-992_306x829.jpg has more muscle definition than i do. like just naturally and it urks me bad. and the oriignal statement branches off of this urked feeling. :/

[r.blaine.85]

Definitely don't stop lifting, but don't forget about cardio... Believe it or not it helps with definition.