I am so messed up.

[Carolina1983]

I am sitting here shaking and feeling very bad..


Why you might think? well I managed to run out of drugs and have been sober for 1 day now, a little more. It feels like being in hell. My body hurts and I can hardly get out of bed.


I am getting more and more out of control. I know that there is no stopping, I wont live for much longer. No matter what I do can I get away from feeling that hopeless and desperate feeling of being trapped in an ugly and masculine body.


I used drugs when I was younger but managed to get out of it. But this year I was so depressed and down.. And... Well I met this other girl that is also messed up emotionally and we ended up taking stuff together.


And now here I am.. Full of self hate, loneliness and no more hope.

A part of me want to scream for help but the other part wants me to die.


I dont know what do do anymore.




Edited for profanity   

[big kim]

Stay calm,relax and wait for the dope to clear out of your system.Things will be better,hang in there.

[Cindy]

OK,
But you know we are here

Cindy and the Mod team

[V M]

Hi Carolina

You are a beautiful and valued individual, please do not harm yourself

Possibly it is time to seek professional help, if necessary contact the emergency services in your area

Please remember that you have a very large support group here who love you and are here for you

Hugs

[Cindy]

Keep talking honey, I gave you my personal contacts but you can talk here

[Carolina1983]

Thank you.

I am trying to hold myself together, I have pain in my whole body now. It is really not so fun to be in this state.



I wont go to hospital unless it is an extreme emergency. Hopefully I can get something just to not shock my body like this.


I did seek help a long time ago and have tried many times but they dont seem to care. I get thrown out again with some pills in my hand. That is how all this started, my addiction that is.



I wish that I could make it without my fix but I cant. Not now, not like this.

[Cindy]

We do what we do. If you need a fix to get through ok, lets get started tomorrow.

Are there drug rehabs you can get too?

Oh BTW I'm alcoholic, I'm no clean bunny.
The demons sit on my shoulder talking to me.

[Jamiep]

I can't imagine what you feel on a drug addiction. I have seen my brother-in-law almost take his life three times due to alcohol addiction, it is gut wrenching to see & he is drinking again. I drink alcohol a little & no drugs. I didn't know you are on drugs. I think they can leave you down like alcohol is a depressant. Drugs seem to take control & may make you do something that might cost you your life. Earlier in the year I know you were suicidal with your dysphoria, but never like this. I know we pmed a lot as I was really afraid you would lose your life. I know you said you mentioned a friend that helped get you to a hospital (I think) when you were in this state of taking your life. Can you get your friend to help?

I used drugs when I was younger but managed to get out of it.

You got yourself out of this before, implement your plan that you got clean then. I want you to get your life & health back for you! This isn't about me. As I mentioned earlier in the year & echo what big kim, Cindy & VM have encouraged now, seek help.

You are young & have a whole wonderful life ahead of you if you give yourself a chance. You have skills that have served the public & sometimes we have to reinvent ourselves as to what we do for our livelihood...I know I did. Resilience is there for you. Mature gracefully into the future. You have accomplished two steps in transition, hrt & ffs into a Beautiful female! Forget what your brain is telling you what it used to seeing in the mirror. Live in the present & walk into the future as the authentic lady you are. You are a wonderful, intelligent & caring person. A Doctor once said to me, "life is a delicate thread," and it is precious.

You can pm me or any of the other Beautiful people here. Your supportive family is here for you 24/7.
I love you.
Jamie

[Devlyn]

Hi Carolina, you can do this. I'm an alcoholic, I know exactly how you feel, it may not help you right  now, but it gets a lot easier. The urges and physical longing for a buzz go away. You just need to get through the beginning, we'll be here for you.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Drugs can be hard to kick, but it can be done.  I have a friend who did it and she was hooked on some hard drugs.  Seek out medical  help to give you that extra boost to quit them.

[Ltl89]

Carolina,

If you have any questions about defeating a drug addiction or need to talk to someone, please don't hesitate to pm me.  I'm no pro on this, but I have family that have personal knowledge on how opiates can destroy one's life despite it's tempting allure.  It's possible to overcome even though it's incredibly hard.  Stay strong.

[Carolina1983]

Thanks everybody I really am thankful for the support.


I have been on Subutex and Cocaine for quiete a while now. And some benzo drugs too. So I am pretty deep down there.



I currently got what I need and will try to step down, to just quit is suicide that I do know because my body would get in shock. But I want to get out of this. So bad!

[Devlyn]

That's the spirit! Grab your life back.  Hugs, Devlyn

[Cindy]

Hi honey,

You have everyone here loving you.

Hugs darling

Cindy

[Ltl89]

Hi Carolina,

I hope you got my pm.  I just wanted to add that Subutex doesn't go well with benzos.  They can have a really bad combination.  Again, tapering down from benzo's and opiates (or a blocker) is usually the best course of action.  However, this interaction can be really bad and even fatal.  Is there a doctor you can speak with?  I'm hoping that anyone prescribing these meds (if that's the case) are aware of the interactions.  In that case, they can help you create a safe tapering plan.

I know nothing on coke, but I would advise you get off of that asap.  It doesn't help to use an upper with two downers that are already problematic. 

[Ltl89]

Hi Carolina,

I wanted to check in and see how you are doing.  So, how's it all going?

[Jamiep]

@LTL, Carolina posted some pics yesterday in the you are looking fabulous forum, and says she is feeling better. You should check out the Beautiful lady.

[Carolina1983]

I am ok.


I have what I need again.


Will try to taper off the drugs and hopefully be free from them in the future.


Hopefully I can make this.


Thanks for caring

[Jessica Merriman]

I was a paramedic for 28 years and was severely injured when a drunk driver went around a state trooper's road block and struck my partner and I while we were working an auto accident. I was placed on very high doses of two different morphine sulfates for 13 months and was medically retired. I would suggest rehab or other medical inpatient treatment as you can have seizures, stroke or cardiac problems during detox. When the drugs started controlling my actions and thoughts that is just what I did. Detox is not just getting it out of your system, but protecting your health, giving you coping information and setting up support groups. It is very valuable to recovery. I have been drug free for 10 months now and I can honestly say there is no temptation to use any opiates anymore because of the rehab tools given. Tapering off unless controlled by a physician does not work because you still have free access and the urge to relapse is just too strong. I lost a lot during my usage and abuse of these meds such as friends and marriage. Please don't lose your life. Commit and follow up with resolve. Not trying to be preachy it's just I have transported too many to the Medical Examiners office. I only preach because I care! PM if you need a friend who has gone through this. BIG HUG!

[Athena]

Try to get hooked up with a methadone clinic, I understand they use that to help bring people off of drugs. Sorry if I misspelled it, not overly familiar with it.