Lying to other Transsexuals

[Kate G]

I have this friend who transitioned a long time ago, before me.  When I came back from having FFS and BAS in Thailand I saw her and we talked about my surgeries and she gave me some feedback.  She told me that she never had any breast augmentation surgery, she told me that she transitioned when she was younger than me and that her breasts just naturally grew (quite large).

Recently she told me that one of her saline breast implants ruptured and how she was going to have to get her breasts redone.

Any ideas as to why she lied to me about not having breast implants?  I never asked her, she just offered the misinformation on her own.  Do you think it was so she could elevate herself above me as in, "I am more female than you, look I have huge natural breasts?"

She also told me she never had any electrolysis but I don't believe anything she says anymore.

How would you feel if you knew that another transsexual lied to you about this kind of thing?  Would it cause you to distrust him or her?  Would you continue to be friends?

[Donna Elvira]

Hi Kate,
I don't think that being TG/TS has much to do with it. I would find it difficult, if not to say impossible, to be friends with anyone who was not honest and who I could not believe when they told me stuff.
A little embellishment to improve a story is one thing, it can even add to the fun.  Saying things that are simply untrue is another and can only undermine the basic trust required in any healthy relationship.
My 2C's worth.
Donna

[Horizon]

Few girls will openly admit they received implants.  This isn't a trans thing - it's a girl thing.

[Joanna Dark]

She lied for one simple reason: she's jealous. So she acted as if she grew her breasts to say look your's look good but mine are natural.

[Antonia J]

Insecurity? Dishonesty is not a good basis for friendship. I have to go with Donna on this.

[Sammy]

I have encountered this phenonomen and it is actually quite a versatile.

The first example, I would call that deliberate and intentional misinformation. I am a member in our local LBGT online portal and one of my friends from neighbouring country told me about one "strange" person, who had recently joined. She labelled herself a MtF transgender, but when I started with my usual opening remarks, I instantly got a lot of BS in response. For example, she claimed to have been 1/2 boy and 1/2 girl ever since childhood and that this had been officially recognised as she allegedly had female gender marker in her passport (to someone who is very familiar with our administrative system - this was the first big warning, because those people dont care how You look or feel like - what is between Your legs and in Your birth certificate - its all that matters to them). She also turned out to be totally unaware what being an IS condition means, so... Next, she tried to convince me that she always had bewbs ever since her teen years. Yet, my other friend, who was also exchanging PMs with her, told me another story - that person told her that she had been on contraceptive pills for one year and so her bewbs grew out - which is another BS, of course.
The final straw was then this girl just replied me with a sort of attitude "If You have any questions about transitioning - I will gladly teach You how...". Well, no thanks, I have no idea what You are doing over there, but I dont want any advices from You.

Another example is unintentional misinformation just to show off Yourself. I have encountered a lot of older transpeople, who have not tried most of the things they claim to be experts at, but who will tell You a lot of cons why You should not be trying this and why X is better than Y (that particular example was about IPL vs. laser). Also, the exaggerated use of "natural" hormones vs. "estradiol and AAs" - "that thing really works because not only my bewbs, but my butt was itching too". Seriously? Your butt??? WTF??? It just grows extra fat around hips and there nothing that could be itching, lol.
Seriously, these people do a lot of damage, especially, when facing younger wannabe transitioners, because that misinformation can be harmful.

[Ltl89]

I actually have to disagree with most of the people writing.  Perhaps I'm looking at this the wrong way, but she choose not to disclose that she had a cosmetic surgery.  Many people do this without attempting to be malicious.  Yes, she did lie, but how many people lie about things like getting implants or a nose job?  More to the point, why would they be a bad friend for not disclosing this?  Personally, I find most people are insecure about cosmetic surgery and like to avoid telling others.  I don't think that makes someone a bad friend.  There are more important things in life and that wouldn't make me throw away a friendship.

On the other hand, most trans people tend to be open with other trans people, so I do understand the frustration.  If one of my friends who transitioned lied to me about something trans related, I would be hurt.  I would even be hurt if someone here lied about their transition and would expect others to feel the same about me if I was dishonest.   Nonetheless, I think there are two sides of the coin and it isn't so clear cut.  Honestly, I don't think this alone makes her a bad friend.

This got me think a bit about how much I plan to disclose in the future.  Now that I think about it, I don't know how honest I will be about my transition in the future.  I plan on being completely stealth outside of the trans community and any guys that I end up dating.  Does that mean I will be deceptive or a bad friend to my future friends or associates?   I don't think health issues always need to be shared, but I don't know.  Maybe I fall in the same camp as this girl because of my hopes for being stealth.  Again, I think it's a complex subject.

[Tessa James]

I have been accused of "lying all your life" when I finally came out TG.

Yes LTL this is complex and forgiveness is something we all may need?  We forgive ourselves for hiding and we make plans to be stealthy so should we expect the literal truth is what we hear from others? 

And then, like Donna, I consider trust to be an essential component to any meaningful relationship.  I have done my share of lying for one bad reason after another and it takes time to then repair the damage I did and reestablish that vital sense of earned trust.

Our feelings are self generated and talking directly with a good friend about what happened would be my course while identifying and owning my feelings.  You may help her realize she can trust you with the truth.

[Donna Elvira]

I think I should clarify my earlier input. If I already had a generally good relationship with someone and something like this occured, I don't think it would be enough to have much impact, I'd just find it a bit disappointing.  However, if it was someone I was getting to know, it would put me very much on my guard.
In either case, if it was a frequent occurrence, it would quickly have very damaging consequences, it's just not the way I like to interact with people.
Donna

P.S. While saying this, like Tessa, I am very much aware that I actually lied about who I really  was to just about everyone for years. However, it was a lie by omission designed to protect me rather than anything else. That being said, when I finally came out, one of my very close friends did say she was a little upset that I hadn't trusted her enough not to tell her earlier. I got out of it by saying what was actually true, I saw little point in talking about being TG until I was sure I was going to transition.     

[Tessa James]

We make choices about who we spend time with and it seems quite reasonable to more fully invest in relationships where trust and reciprocity are part of the balance. 

Reaching out and making friends seems so much easier when we are at peace with ourselves?

[Ltl89]

Trust is important in a friendship, but how much of our past does a friend need to know?  Personally, I don't know if it is really necessary to disclose one's trans status to a friend made after transition.  While it's quite a big omission, I really don't think I want others to know (outside of significant others and trans friends) Perhaps I'm in the wrong, but I really just want to live as a normal female without telling other's about every aspect of my past.  Though this is a bit tangential topic.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though my situation is a bit different from the op's friend, I do understand the desire to not disclose sensitive things to other's when it isn't necessary.  Perhaps she really doesn't want people to know about her surgery and would like to avoid discussing it?  I don't know if that makes her untrustworthy or not, but I sort of understand why she may have done it.  I've gone through a surgery for both medical and cosmetic reasons, and I hate talking about it.  It was a hard thing for me to go through and don't like sharing my past health defects with other people because it's such a sensitive topic.

Having said that, I realize omissions and lies about these things are more hurtful when they come from another trans person  I believe we should be open with each other in the spirit that honest information can help others.  I mean we really shouldn't feel embarrassed or the need to hide something for each other. 

I'm rambling a lot here and probably make no sense (lol), but I just want to say that I can see both sides.

[Tessa James]

but I just want to say that I can see both sides.

Ahh yes, that is the LTL we have come to know and love.  I think we can approach "the truth" or some "truths" but what we choose to reveal is a personal statement and could hardly be "wrong" IMHO.

[Renee]

I wouldn't hardly trust her and likely just let her go adrift as far as I was concerned.

And yeah, I think its not too unusual for some trans people to exaggerate, embellish and sometimes lie to make themselves feel better or whatever. But then that makes trans people quite like cis people too, doesn't it?


I take most things with a grain of salt unless I've seen it or I have gotten to know someone well enough that I would trust them implicitly and that would be few people indeed.

[KabitTarah]

I have been accused of "lying all your life" when I finally came out TG.

Yes LTL this is complex and forgiveness is something we all may need?  We forgive ourselves for hiding and we make plans to be stealthy so should we expect the literal truth is what we hear from others? 

And then, like Donna, I consider trust to be an essential component to any meaningful relationship.  I have done my share of lying for one bad reason after another and it takes time to then repair the damage I did and reestablish that vital sense of earned trust.

Our feelings are self generated and talking directly with a good friend about what happened would be my course while identifying and owning my feelings.  You may help her realize she can trust you with the truth.

I also got accused of lying about this throughout my 10 years of marriage. Sure, there were things withheld, but the person I was really lying to was myself.

Now I find myself with a new problem. I'm overly transparent about myself. Not that I'm telling all but I end up telling TMI, which hurts the relationship where I meant to help.

Personally, I think she just wasn't comfortable talking about it. I've told that sort of lie before to someone who could just verify it online if he wanted to (it involved me not shopping at his higher priced business).

Only the OP can make a decision on her friend's tone and demeanor. I'd personally give her the benefit of the doubt or just ask her about it. Trust is fluid.

[Jamie D]

Everybody lies.

- Dr. Gregory House

[Beth Andrea]

imho, there are different kinds of lies...and to say ALL lies are "bad" is somewhat disingenuous. We all lie at one time or another. And if you don't--you're lying. 

btw, do these pants make me look fat? 

So what if she said she had natural breasts, when she actually had a BA done? Were you harmed by it? 

Then she came clean later on, when she was telling you she had to have them re-done...that suggests to me that she trusts you to a pretty high degree. Sure, she might've done it to gain sympathy, and not to clear up the previous statement...but again, so what? 

No harm, no foul. 

[Heather]

So what if she said she had natural breasts, when she actually had a BA done? Were you harmed by it? 

Yeah it don't seem like that big of a deal to me either. Now if you find out she's telling lies behind your back that's a different story. But her saying she grew her breast naturally doesn't seem to be that horrible. She was probably just trying to impress you. 

[Tessa James]

imho, there are different kinds of lies...and to say ALL lies are "bad" is somewhat disingenuous. We all lie at one time or another. And if you don't--you're lying. 

btw, do these pants make me look fat? 

And I thought you were wearing a nice dress.  Ok you fooled me, hehehe

[Katie]

I have an idea why the girl is lying. She's a bug (nuts). If you have not noticed it a heck of a lot of trans people are not all there upstairs. That means they need therapy for something besides  being trans.

[Tessa James]

Considering the cultural maelstrom and onslaught of being transgender it is no wonder that we are so very resilient and adaptable in our efforts to survive and thrive.
Our mental health is surely complicated by more than gender.  Keep the therapist on speed dial