I have no idea what I am anymore?

[matthewzguitarz]

I just pressed back by accident so going to just retype a simpler version(because it was really long and now it is really late).

Pretty much, sometimes I am okay as a guy, other times I hate myself and wish I was born a girl instead. I get jealous of women and I have no idea why, and a lot of the time I am just confused now. I am not sure I would like to make a full transition in the future anymore, because I can imagine the future and see myself as either gender fine. But, I want to be a father in the future, and think a transition would ruin that, either with me not being able to have kids, or me tearing apart the family. I could transition and just adopt, but I wouldn't want to just pretty much have future children grow up to possibly not know their grandparents/uncles(my family is clearly against LGBT).

I read something about bigender, and androgyne? I would like to know more about those. Any opinions? Thanks, I need to get to bed before 12am(don't want to lose my computer with the weekend starting).

[Jamie D]

Gawd, I hate it when that happens!

None of what you wrote are necessarily contrary to one another.

Many "MtF" or MtA" persons still have significant others and even start families.  It does not make things any easier, but it can be done.

You need to figure out your identity, and I think you should be willing to open up with anyone whay wants to share your life.

Go check out the androgyne talk board

[Antonia J]

Welcome to the world of being non binary.  I have a video in my blog section that I used to come out to my mom that describes the fluidity of gender identification. Just tell yourself it is okay that you don't feel strongly one way or another.  You don't have to trade one stereotype for another.  The only right path is your path.

I have my girly days and I have my boy days.  I like things on both side of the spectrum.  Some days I really wish I were a woman.  Other days I am "meh." I feel stuck somewhere in the middle.  I dress somewhat femme.  Mostly I am getting comfortable that it feels good right where I am and am thinking this might be my landing point. Still sorting it out, but just want you to know there are a lot of others who think like you do.  It's normal.

[Taka]

the androgyne forums are a good place to read and ask questions. start with "shedding some light" and "androgyne introductions". you might be lucky to find a story somewhat similar to yours, or an answer to a question you haven't yet thought of asking. it's possible to be any kind of trans and still live a fairly fulfilling life as one's birth sex. it's also ok to just relax and take your time figuring out what you really want, or at least what you wouldn't want to lose, when journeying through life.

[matthewzguitarz]

Sorry for the late reply, yesterday I was at Seaworld getting told to relax by my family(I guess I was really worried about this stuff, and my foot), then today I was at the doctor's office thing because of a bug bite on my foot, guess I should have gone on Friday instead since I would have had a better time yesterday(the bite is infected but the doctor pretty much said it could have gotten really bad if I didn't go in).

Anyways, I am going to check out the androgyne forums later, because right now I just got curious about something. But weird thing to add, I thought my mom would be accepting of me because she used to talk about how she wanted a girl all the time(I guess a girl who isn't crazy like my sister). But yesterday my mom was commenting on how stupid girls are and she is glad that she doesn't have one(my family rarely mentions my sister as part of the family). So, kind of going to be more cautious with this whole thing, though my mom was probably only saying that because a lot of the girls at seaworld were acting like idiots.

[Keira J]

Thank you for this thread. I can't tell you how useful it is, right now I'm okay with being a boy and am kind of scared to admit it because I've started coming out to my closest friends. Its confusing isn't it?

Glad to know I'm not alone

[Lesley_Roberta]

You need to reeeeeeeally need to be male or female to want to transition, because it sure makes an impact in your life.

If you find yourself wanting to be both, depending on mood, that sure makes you the in the middle type, and that's ok too of course.

Being neither just means you can be either. It likely matters a bit what nature gave you for initial parts though. The world treats us based on what's between our legs. So either you are seen as a soft male, or a tough female to some extent. But with clothes on, it's not always a given what a stranger is looking at eh

I suppose the secret to be an A is to not wear anything definitive.

Having kids though, that's a major step in anyone's life including the boring heteros.
Whether you are a sperm source or an egg source, the event is something with a beginning and no ending. Once you have a child they're for life. My son is 19 now, and he will always be my child. I might be called dad, father or mum. He might surprise me in some fashion some day too. But my child will always be my child.

[Ltl89]

Sorry for the late reply, yesterday I was at Seaworld getting told to relax by my family(I guess I was really worried about this stuff, and my foot), then today I was at the doctor's office thing because of a bug bite on my foot, guess I should have gone on Friday instead since I would have had a better time yesterday(the bite is infected but the doctor pretty much said it could have gotten really bad if I didn't go in).

Anyways, I am going to check out the androgyne forums later, because right now I just got curious about something. But weird thing to add, I thought my mom would be accepting of me because she used to talk about how she wanted a girl all the time(I guess a girl who isn't crazy like my sister). But yesterday my mom was commenting on how stupid girls are and she is glad that she doesn't have one(my family rarely mentions my sister as part of the family). So, kind of going to be more cautious with this whole thing, though my mom was probably only saying that because a lot of the girls at seaworld were acting like idiots.

I think the desire to have children and be a father are sort of distinct.  There are many MTFs that are both, but you may want to learn more about your desire to be a father and what sort of a future you hope to have. 

With the mom thing, I know what you mean.  My sister wanted to have a little sister and sometimes would consider me as such (sometimes jokingly).  Now that I'm out, it's a bit more difficult for her to embrace. 

P.S.  Have you been in therapy?  That may help a lot.

[matthewzguitarz]

I think the desire to have children and be a father are sort of distinct.  There are many MTFs that are both, but you may want to learn more about your desire to be a father and what sort of a future you hope to have. 

With the mom thing, I know what you mean.  My sister wanted to have a little sister and sometimes would consider me as such (sometimes jokingly).  Now that I'm out, it's a bit more difficult for her to embrace. 

P.S.  Have you been in therapy?  That may help a lot.

I have not been to any kind of therapy, I was supposed to be seeing a therapist a while ago for being shy or being a loner or whatever, guess my family thinks I am going to end up alone in a dark room for the rest of my life. My main issue with therapy is I have a fear of the therapist telling my parents stuff even though I know that would only happen if I said I was going to commit suicide(I say that a lot actually, but I won't act on those feelings).