"You're not just going to wake up one day as a girl"

[suzifrommd]

I couldn't bear waiting around and hoping hormones/laser might do something for me. I needed to be myself.

I set a date when I would go full time with whatever beauty and passability I could muster by then.

It was a very good decision.

I am ever going to reach a day where the hormones have done enough and I feel comfortable with starting part time or even full time?

I don't know about comfort - that's a relative term. You can find yourself feeling comfortable with something that was intolerable a few days ago simply because your point of view shifts.

I never thought I would pass. I was so eager to be a woman that I decided I would live my life as one even if I didn't. I assumed I would be an easy-to-read trans woman but AT LEAST I WOULD BE A WOMAN.

That was only a few months ago. I now pass pretty much wherever I go (I'm as shocked as anyone...) Men pay attention to me, the kind of attention they only pay to people they find attractive (they have no clue that I'm not actually attracted to much of anyone these days. Of course they're men so they don't care).

If I hadn't decided to move forward regardless of what hormones would do for me, I would never have known what was possible.

[Rachel]

LTL, I too can relate to your experience and am at that place now.

I realized last week that I want positive affirmation with regard to my transition and just being me.

I have someone in my life that gives me negative feedback (wife) on every small change and I suspect that will not change any time soon.

My dysphoria on clothing and some light makeup is ramping up and I really will be hitting the critical point soon.

I look at woman at work and thought about woman my age. I am 51 and my E will ramp up my beauty while their E is on the down side. Some point I will look as good or better than a lot of cis woman. I rationalized my longing to have transitioned at a very early age and I rationalized my future look. I am looking forward to the next 20 years.

[JoanneB]

I have been hoping to wake up as a girl since about the age of four. Fifty years went by and nothing. I suspect you have a case of Magic Pill Syndrome. A very widespread plight among most westerners. Just give me a pill to fix what ails me. When it comes to transitioning HRT may do two things, one physical, one emotional. In both cases YMMV. Passing does not come in a pill, it comes with an attitude adjustment.

I also have been 'stuck' where I am now and at a few points prior. The reason, fear. Starting with the fear of change in my case. Something in my personal life I (used to) abhor. I was stuck for decades with trying to tell myself I am just a CD and then some. I was stuck at anguishing over finding some sort of TG support when my life hit rock bottom. I was stuck hiding at home presenting as female only to venture out in the not so real world to my monthly TG support group meeting where of course you hear from everyone there how passable you are while you see what you believe is the truth in mirror every day. I was stuck at no way am I planning on transitioning, been there done that. I am stuck at having to stick out male mode knowing full well the feelings of inner peace and harmony I have being out in the real world as the real me. With the added bonus of actually being seen as and accepted as a female.

One needs to be ready for each step we take along the road to transition. One can also be too well prepared. Back in my 20's when I experimented with transitioning I was ill prepared emotionally. I had near zero self esteem and totally lacked the needed self confidence. As a consequence I always felt like some guy in a dress. These days it's mainly "Damn I look great for an old bag!". A lot has changed for me which had little help from magic pills. A lot of time and energy was spent needlessly anguishing over taking another step. Some help was gained from 30 years of practicing makeup. My look, beyond girlie girl, is still a work in process. Again partly driven by fear. I always strive for the most unambiguous presentation I can. I still still stand out as a female. Shrinking an inch from my 6ft tall peak has helped. I figure I have another 176 years to go to reach my 'goal height' of 5'6". I try not to anguish over how I'll look then or of hearing my wife say 'Who in their right mind wants to be a 232 year old woman?"

[FrancisAnn]

Darn, Like most I wish there were a magic pill. My best to all of us with our life struggles.

[KabitTarah]

I can't help with passing, but just in general... in my life experience (as limited as that is) there are at least two big ways to do stuff like this.

My way is to practice as much as I can, by myself, without anyone seeing me... so that when I go make mistakes in the real world I have a firmer base to start from.

Others just like to jump in feet first and learn as they go.

That doesn't mean you have to pick one or the other... but I'm not in favor of going out and being embarrassed when I can embarrass myself in private for a while first I couldn't go out right now without tons of foundation, anyway... (practicing with makeup is definitely next on my list). It's like when you practice voice... something I'm just starting. You mimic other female voices, maybe sing along to female vocals, start recording yourself... then start practicing it in the real world.

Some things you can't do that way... like buying women's clothing while presenting male. I've done it only a few times (3-4). The first time for me was exhilarating and terrifying. Each time after it got easier until my last trip to Target I walked right into the women's underwear section (I needed some smaller ones for tucking) and picked up two packages (6 and 7... I have been wearing 8s - the 6s are just about the perfect tightness) plus an awesome pair of gray tights... sorry I'm rambling. Basically, yes - you can buy this stuff online, but that doesn't give you the confidence you need to do it IRL. Confidence building can only be done by trying it out, and from what I understand Passing is like 75% confidence and only 25% looks (i.e. the really big stuff).

It's a fairly long ways off for me... but I doubt I'll pass with many my first time out. That doesn't mean I'm not going to do it. I'll need that confidence to pass when I've got more of the look. Right now, I couldn't do it at all... I have a very male physical presentation ATM ~ though that's changing slowly (between my changes in looks and some minor facebook activity, I think some people are suspecting I'm gay... which helps for shock when they realize or get told that I'm trans*).

Sorry... it was long. I do that! <3

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

You learn and develop sooo soo so much more from the other stuff than you do from the hormones. You need to get out there and do it to learn and develop, that's just how it is. You don't believe that is true at the beginning but it is.

You can't let fear stop you. I have been out in public for ages, even though I was nowhere near passable and very very scared. Hell, there are a number of social situations that still scare the hell out of me, but I keep going though them and trust the fear will go. You have to. Its the only way. You wont just wake up one day and not be afraid. There will always be fear of starting transition and people reading you, how friends and family will respond, blah blah blah. If you are waiting for that to not be the case, you will wait forever.

You wont just wake up a girl.
You wont just wake up fearless.

You can remain 'not a girl' and live in fear, or you can work through your fear and become the girl you are inside.

Good luck with it all :-)

Akira x

[kathyk]

Two things.  I kind of feel Heather and Joules are right, but I don't know if it's right to choose a name, or let one find you.   My name came to me so long ago I can't remember exactly when (30 years maybe), and it grew on me naturally as I expanded on an old memory.  It seems that having a name gives you the girl you need to be, and opens up your life to being that particular girl.  I'm a bit hypocritical here because I didn't start hormones until a little more than a year ago.  But for all those preceeding years I was Kathy deep inside.

Secondly.  I didn't shave off my scruffy old beard for more than six months after beginning HRT.  I let everything possible stand in the way of becomng the woman I am, including the beard I was hiding behind.  Once the beard was gone I immediately felt free and began to buy more clothes, shop with my wife and her friends, and start treating myself as a woman.  So maybe you have to find what you're hiding behind, and understand how important it is to brush that aside.  I was told so many times to take control of what's important, and I guess I'm now asking you to do the same.  It's not easy, and you may cry about whatever it is you have to leave behind in order to face something new (I cried out of fear and shame).  But it's incredibly important, and when it happens your going to love youself for it.

[Joanna Dark]

Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly. I really think the first thing you should do is start acting more like yourself, i.e. more feminine. Also, I would start dressing androgynously. Buy some women's bootcut jeans and some not-too-form-fitting tops with a more open neck. Don't push it too far but don't stay stuck in neutral either. A lot of becoming or learning or being yourself (a woman) is by experience. The more people perceive you as female the easier it will be to see yourself as female and to act more feminine. At first, you are going to have to deal with some discomfort. You could wait to you reach male-fail mode but how long will that take. I am basically there now but I started presenting full-time at three months. I'm very lucky body wise so my situation may be different.

It's really a matter of making a decision to put you transition into high gear and let the chips fall where they may. Plus, if you want a boyfriend, you are going to have to do this stuff so the sooner the better. It's really impossible for me to give you a good assessment on what to wear and when to present full-time as I have zero idea how you look and no idea how much you weigh, how tall you are, if you have big hands and all that other stuff.

[Heather]

Since I see there is a lot of talk about magic pills.  I thought I would add that there nothing in this world that ever going to just turn you from a man into a woman. Women start off as girls and grow up to become women. It's a process that takes many years and is not something you can hope to happen all on it's on. It does takes a lot of work and effort to achieve.
I really don't get the whole attitude that just taking a few pills is going to turn you into something that took cis women years to achieve. Being a women isn't about taking a few pills. It comes by putting yourself out there and trying to live as one. Sure you may not be all passable at first but really if your just going to continue living as a guy until you completely pass your going to waiting a very very long time. 

[Tessa James]

Since I see there is a lot of talk about magic pills.  I thought I would add that there nothing in this world that ever going to just turn you from a man into a woman. Women start off as girls and grow up to become women. It's a process that takes many years and is not something you can hope to happen all on it's on. It does takes a lot of work and effort to achieve.
I really don't get the whole attitude that just taking a few pills is going to turn you into something that took cis women years to achieve. Being a women isn't about taking a few pills. It comes by putting yourself out there and trying to live as one. Sure you may not be all passable at first but really if your just going to continue living as a guy until you completely pass your going to waiting a very very long time. 

Thanks Heather for that perspective on becoming a woman.  That is partly why I deliberately call myself a girl, feminine, transgender or genderqueer.  We are born as babies that have little concern about gender and that internal or identified gender is recognized later on.  Becoming a girl/boy/variant and then a woman/man/variant is a life long process and we are not completed by HRT alone.
I may yet identify as a woman.   It is fun to have more to look forward to and I trust LTL is able to thoughtfully weight the scales her way. 
Speaking of fun, i do call the process "magic" sometimes for shorthand just like people will say OMG and are not intentionally beseeching a supernatural entity.
This is such an education and I cut myself slack about political correctness (misgendering myself) but do feel the need to continue work on gender pronouns to respect others.

[Joanna Dark]

Being a women isn't about taking a few pills. It comes by putting yourself out there and trying to live as one.

Exactly. Hormones have made me very passable (though I have not had laser and thus am clockable up too close), but what is making me a woman is experience. I put myself out there, and the experience is what is changing me more then the hormones. The actual life. And I gotta say it is all that I dreamt of and so much more. I literally couldn't be happier and sometimes wonder when the sky will fall.

[Ltl89]

Thanks everyone for all the feedback.  This thread really took off since last night!  I'll do my best to respond to each post, but cannot quote specifics as it would probably break the site,lol. 

However, I would like to clarify a few things.  I'm not expecting magic, so to speak.  I decided to go slowly for a multitude of reasons: I want to ease my family into my transition,  I want to slowly learn to get over my fears, I want to tackle big life problems like unemployment (temporarily not an issue anymore), lose weight,  take on the GRE, give hormones some time and allow myself to get laser.   Along with my therapist's advice, my goal is to make slow improvements that enable me to have a successful transition.  At this point, my family is eased in (to some degree), I will start my new job soon (although it's a temp position, there is a possibility for advancement and it pays good), I've been losing weight (one meal a day is fun), soon I will take the GRE, and once I have my first paycheck I will start laser.  All that's really left is giving the hormones some more time, working with my mother for her to feel more comfortable, losing some more weight (I'm not fat, but I want to be able to fit into some of the outfits I like) and getting over my fear.

Okay, now I'll do my best to respond. 

[Ltl89]

@heather post one (hope that makes sense,lol).

You're right.  I will need to start soon.  The question is when is too soon.  I've noticed improvements with taking the hormones, but they are incremental.  Sure, I like how my body is slowly shaping up and my face is getting more fem by the day, I'd like to give it some more time.  Maybe once I hit the right spot, then it will be appropriate to go out.  Though I do agree with you about me getting more RLE.  I suppose I should practice more on things like voice, bettering my makeup skills and work on my wardrobe.  Still I am working on other things like keeping hair off my body, attempting to make my voice sound female, and working on my self confidence which is the root of all evil for me,lol.  And no, I don't have a name yet.  I want something with an M... I think,lol.  My name starts with an m, so I should probably follow the tradition.  Nonetheless, I want to get my families input and give my mom a chance at naming me. 

@Arch Post one.

Male Alert!  Who let them in!  

Thank you for the feedback.  I think you are right.  The main issue is the development of my self esteem and confidence.  This is something that I have been working hard on in therapy.  My therapist doesn't push me to go one way or the other, but she does respect that my mindset is the most important aspect of my transition.  We've been working on ways to improve that mindset and then tackle the big parts of my transition.  Yet, I'm frustrated.  I just want to be a girl and stop pretending to be a boy.  It's nice to interact as female on susan's, in support groups, and with my friends, but I want to be able to do it all the time.  I suppose waiting is heathy, but for how long.  As you can see, I'm very conflicted.

@joules

Thanks Joules.  My plan was to start part time around the six month mark.  I want to be part time sometime in the beginning of 2014 and go full time sometime in the middle.  This is a very rough plan, but my therapist thinks it's possible.  So hey, maybe waiting a little more isn't bad.  It's just all frustrating because do or don't, I'm going to feel the same way, only for different reasons.

@Aina.

Thanks!  I'm not really scared to wear the clothes.  Believe me, it wouldn't be the first time ( I started dressing up as a child).  It's just letting others see and exposing myself so to speak.  I love girl clothes and wish I could afford to buy more (thank god Christmas is coming)! 

@anonymous user

Lol.  Well, it would be nice if I could settle on a name.

@Jamie

Thanks.  Now on to learning how to express myself.

[KabitTarah]

Since I see there is a lot of talk about magic pills.  I thought I would add that there nothing in this world that ever going to just turn you from a man into a woman. Women start off as girls and grow up to become women. It's a process that takes many years and is not something you can hope to happen all on it's on. It does takes a lot of work and effort to achieve.
I really don't get the whole attitude that just taking a few pills is going to turn you into something that took cis women years to achieve. Being a women isn't about taking a few pills. It comes by putting yourself out there and trying to live as one. Sure you may not be all passable at first but really if your just going to continue living as a guy until you completely pass your going to waiting a very very long time. 

Hey! Those magic pills are important... I want them pretty badly Of course... I want them partly for the feminizing qualities, but also very much for the stuff that happens up in my head. Increased emotion is very important to me... crying is far easier now that I'm out than it was before, but it still comes with difficulty (Glee Season 1 helped).

That's not to say I don't agree. I am still very, very male presenting (as I mentioned, facial hair alone will keep me there for a while). But I am NOT male. I'm a girl as much as any of you! Right now I'm concentrating on learning what I can and fixing things about my life that I can... It's very, very important to me right now!

I've even changed some gender markers (and their associated usernames  ) on some of my online accounts. MyFitnessPal is the most profound - since it will throw off some of the calculations they use on caloric intake, metabolism, etc... but I'm secure enough with my numbers to deal with that.

The fact is, we were born girls and raised male (something about anatomy... whateva'). Time to fix that!

[Ltl89]

@Tessa.

Yeah, I understand how one could believe I'm hoping for magic,lol.  While that may be true in some respect, I'm mostly waiting for a period where I can walk out of the house without fear.  I've been bullied in the past (both verbally and physically) and I'm sensitive to societal hostility.  I don't want people to misgender me nor do I want to risk getting assaulted or made fun of in anyway.  However, despite the progress that hormones have provided, I don't feel it's enough and don't know if it ever will be.  On the one hand, I want to wait and get more hrt experience than 3 months (I hardly count the one month of low dose). On the other hand, I fear this could be as good as it gets.   I'm so jealous of cisgender females and can't stand the fact that I couldn't of been one.  Sigh.

@Beth.

I agree and thanks for the feedback.  I have been practicing at home and am trying to make more improvements in "hiding".  I suppose I should be more aggressive and will fight to make that happen.  Still, I have worn female clothes since I was a kid.  My first makeup and female dressing experience was probably when I was 4.  Then I occasionally started to dress with my sister when I was around 7.  By the time I was 10, I was secretly cross dressing with the clothes around the house (I'm not proud of this fact and don't encourage this).  At this point, I've been afraid to go out and buy clothes that fit my current form, so it's been slowed down in a big way.  I suppose it's time for me to get over my fear and start shopping.  I can probably go with some friends or my sister, so I won't be alone.  But I'm so scared.  Thanks for the tip your right and I will bring this up with my therapist.

@Heather post 2 ()

Yeah, I've learned the hard way about this.  I've seen clothes that looked awesome on others that make me look awful.  Again, why can't I be cis.

@Sierra Belle

Yeah, mannerisms are difficult.  I've always been very shy and impassive because I was afraid of being detected.  Now that I'm trying to let it all out and it's hard.  Still, not everything can be hidden.  My sister has always commented on how girly I can be.  When I came out she made the point of telling me how she would always tell my mom that I act like a woman.  Plus, I've always been assumed to be gay by people.  Sometimes it was just whispers, other times it was bullying, and sometimes it was on the verge of work place harassment. 

@ Carrie Liz

Thanks.  I relate a lot with you.  Most of your blog sounds like it could be written by me,lol.  Perhaps taking the time is a good thing.  You seem to have found happiness even though it took a lot of time and work.  Perhaps, working in the shadows isn't such a bad idea.

@ Horizon.

Thanks.  I suppose I'm not alone in waiting and taking my time.  I've been trying to settle the more important matters of my life and then tackle the physical transition.  Not to say this isn't important, it is, but there is so much more for me to work on.  I agree passing is essential to me.  Without that, I couldn't be happy. 

[Heather]

Hey! Those magic pills are important...

I never said they weren't important. They are just part of the equation that is needed as much as I hate to say it to pass. But I imagine most of us are trying to pass as much as we can and that's where all the other things come in.
Now I'm not saying just rush out there and start trying to present yourself as a woman. For example I was practicing makeup religiously for 2 months prior to my first outing as myself. None of this is something you can learn with taking hrt alone and requires a lot of trial and error.
But the whole point I'm trying to make if anybody is under the impression that you can transition without being embarrassed at some point is lying to themselves. It's best just to over the embarrassment in the beginning instead of putting it off because once you stop being able to pass as a either a man or a woman your going to be put in embarrassing situations. 

[Ltl89]

Sips her coffee and continues,lol.

@anjaq

Thanks for sharing your experience.  I agree that the stoic male thing has to go.  Again, there are times where my fem mannerisms are picked up, but I have been bullied a lot for it so it's hard.  Not everyone was evil about it.  I'm fine with the people that whispering "Is he gay" or the fact that I had one of my high school friends laugh and say "no ****" when I told him I liked men.  But it's the people that are nasty and hate feminity in those who they believe should "act like a man".  I don't know.  I grew up in a very Italian and Catholic family, so I sometimes feel guilt about this stuff.  As for laser, I will be starting it within the next month or two!

@Doctorwho

I do procrastinate a lot.  It is a major flaw of mine and it's why I've taken so long to take the GRE and appy for grad school.  While I can be a hard worker, you first have to get me started,lol.  In this case, that is only part of it.  The other part of it is serious concern about not passing, fitting in or being made fun of.  I guess I'm just scared and want everything to go perfect when I start part-time and/or full time. 

@ Cindy

Thank you for sharing.  I can't wait to get to that point.  While many people in my real life know at this point, I'm terrified about those that don't.  Hell, that's not fully true.  I'm even scared to dress up in front of my best friends who are incredibly strong trans allies.  I guess I have to get used to dealing with the fact that I will never look perfect or like a cis female.  It just kills me sometimes. It will be great when I can feel comfortable and feel pretty around others without fearing their reactions.

@ Janae 

(Hugs)

I totally understand where you are coming from.  We'll both get there, it just sucks in the meantime,lol.

@Septet.

I can relate with you.  It's hard and we just want it to go perfectly.  Go at your own pace and continue working on the non physical stuff.  I think you'll do fine.

@ Suzifrommd

Congrats!  I'm glad you found that strategy to work in your favor.

To be honest, I don't know if that is the right thing for me at this point in time.  As I said before, I'm very conflicted and need to mull over so many things.  Perhaps, in January I can start part time which is sort of my current plan.  That way I give the hormones some time.  Whatever I do, I want to be full time by June 13th (my first day on low dose e).  That way I give myself one year to prepare.  Of course, this is a rough plan and it's subject to change, but that's what I had been planning. However, I don't know anymore as it's a frustrating wait.

@ Cynthia Michelle

I'm sorry to hear you and your wife are at odds with your transition.  I can't help much in this department as I've never been married.  However, I can relate to you trying to work and compromise with the feelings of your family. 

@JoanneB

I agree.  The mental aspects of transitioning and confidence issue are perhaps the most important.  That's what I've been focusing on in therapy and trying to improve all this time.  In my therapists eyes, she feels I need to get over other hurdles in my life to feel good about me.  That's the first step.  As I continue doing that, I wonder when that step is done with or will overlap with step 2.  I don't think I can ever solve my confidence issues until I fully transition, but I do think there are things I can continue on doing to improve my self perception.  The question is how long do I wait in step one before I attempt step two.  That's the whole thing.  I feel so conflicted because both answers have their pros and cons.

@Francis Ann.

Thanks.

[Ltl89]

@ Kabit

I can relate.  Hopefully we will both get there in time.

@Akira21

Thank you for your thoughts.  I agree that fighting through the fear is important.  Still, I'm confused about what's the best tactic to fight this fear.

@Kathyk

I've been shaving my hair for some time now.  Because I'm Italian and naturally plagued with hair, it gets difficult to manage at times,lol.  Still, I do keep up with those things, so I suppose that is some progress.

@Joanna

Yeah, perhaps dressing more androgynous is the key.  There is no need to wait any longer for that, so perhaps it's time.  It would be a welcome change of pace because everything that I where is so professional or business casual.  I'm weird. 

I wish I had the guts to post myself on here, but I'm too scared.  You never know who lurks.  Because I'm a privacy nut, this concerns me. 

[anjaq]

One thing about transitioning is that it is a huge experience. It is something that makes us strong. I dont think anyone who is post transition is not a very strong woman. That sadly does come at a price as the reason for that is that not only did we have all the pre-transition time in which we had to be strong not to break, but also we have the process of transition which always means risking being ridiculed or bullied and having to defend oneself in some way - ideally not with that gun but with some snappy words. I think it can hardly be avoided. If only because even if HRt is perfect and laser is done and all that, passing still will not be 100% in a day as with the magic pill as it is a learning process which as all learning happens by making mistakes. And so we make mistakes and learn from them and with that we learn how to "pass" and how to "become a woman". As i see it what we are at the beginning of transition are little girls. Just look at what people write and sometimes the clothes they wear and such. I remember for a while I started to read teenage girl magazines and "Sailor Moon" comics and so on. Its like we got stuck in our female development sometime in puberty and there we still are and have to learn how to become a woman of our real age from that on and that only happens by trial and error - maybe by being told in a harsh way that a belly-free shirt is a bit ridiculous for anyone above 25 . Thats life - transition is a toughie and I think there is no absolutely smooth transition even for those who have a lucky body. Well maybe if you started at age 12 or 14 it would be smooth, but even then the feedback from society is not always good - but trust me - we get stronger with that and this is part of our development towards adult women. So if you have some really good reasons its ok to delay a bit, like laser, which does a hell lof of good in terms of passability when people are close up and reduces the need for those ugly looking thick layers of cover makeup. But it definitely makes no sense to push everything back always. One has to start somewhere and risk something - and if that is being looked at in a bad way because one acts feminine while still presenting male, then that is really not that bad - just ignore them and screw that and maybe take it as a reason to actually stop presenting as male as at that moment that mismatch is actually gone.

[Heather]

I wish I had the guts to post myself on here, but I'm too scared.  You never know who lurks.  Because I'm a privacy nut, this concerns me.

Well if someone tried to out you based on a pic you posted on a transgender support site you could ask them what are they doing lurking on a transgender support site?