Trying to remember that one moment..random rambling.

[Aina]

The title says it all, lately I've been really trying to uncover some inner reflection, and pin point the starting time I felt transgender.

Which is the exact opposite of what I told a friend of mine online. She told me I should just relax and enjoy myself for a month and if I still feel the way I do about being transgender then pick up were I left off. I suppose she was trying to say take a break from everything and just relax...

The problem is I cannot stop now, before coming to Susan's being transgender never really crossed my mind all that much, I just thought I was weird had weird fetish of some sort, and what use to keep my mind as easy no longer interest me and to be honestly over the last few years they were loosing their effect on me working anyway. Any time now that I have not spending doing school work or playing video games, I spend here on Susan's or researching transgender issues online.

The thought won't stop pestering me, as soon as I have "time to myself" there they are waiting for me, so I don't think I can just take a break - I feel if I did I'd fall back into my old habits and I just don't want that, of course the constant want of practicing my female voice doesn't help either.

So I figured lets start from the beginning and see if it helps put the piece into place, the problem is I don't really know when I first began having the feelings I do. I have an idea when it start, but I am not sure if it just a stray memory our not.

What I remember is sitting in an gymnasium at school, it was elementary school and we were watching a show of some sort so all the classes were filling the space. Now this where it get fuzzy I remember watching someone in the show and I felt that first moment were I believe I was thinking "Why can't I be a girl" to say it bluntly really.

I just wish I could remember this moment more clearly, to analysis it and see if its a real memory or a jumble or mix memories. I remember other events more clearly, like when I use to draw pictures of a guy, then slowly erase the clothing hair and make "him" become a "her". I know this memory is real because I remember I was in class, I remember the how the pencil felt, I remember how horrible the drawing was (at the time it was pretty good for me!) and I remember I was bored and was the reasons why I was drawing in the first place.

Some how I feel if I can pin point this moment in time, the time this all began it would some how give me the courage to admit to myself what I am doing is the right thing....

Also sorry again for posting another one of these rambling post I seem to always post but this is the only outlet I have current, and it feels extremely selfish of me to constantly look towards you guys for advice when I "know" I should e talking with a professional or telling someone I know in real life.

[suzifrommd]

Not sure if this is what you're looking for, but I can recall the first event that, looking back, was a symptom of my transgender. I was a teen and making out with my first girlfriend when I realized I wanted the parts that she had instead of the ones I was born with.

I'd have been about 14 or 15.

Nothing before that.

[Aina]

No sadly, never had that luxury - my first girl friend was way back never really had an official girlfriend.

I am just just rambling as normal. I think I should start a diary or something, makes it easier to get my words down some where out of my head...

[Rachel]

I put on my sisters cloths (she was there) and my Mom's wig and makeup. I did not think I did anything wrong. I was just being me. I was 5 and it was a very very bad experience to put it mildly. I never felt different than then I just hid my dressing, shaving, piercings, tattoos and boyfriends. From age 5 I realized I was in the wrong anatomy.  As time progressed I wanted to castrate myself, age 7 and jump of a rail road bridge when my voice cracked. I remember standing there on 2 occasions (90 feet high). I tried to jump but each time I got closer to the last few inches it got to hard. I close my eyes and I can still feel I am on the ledge.

I am glad I am here and have had a lot of good experiences and life gets better every day.  I can feel; I mean really feel and experience love and wanting to be with someone. I guess you need to love yourself to love someone else.

[Aina]

I put on my sisters cloths (she was there) and my Mom's wig and makeup. I did not think I did anything wrong. I was just being me. I was 5 and it was a very very bad experience to put it mildly. I never felt different than then I just hid my dressing, shaving, piercings, tattoos and boyfriends. From age 5 I realized I was in the wrong anatomy.  As time progressed I wanted to castrate myself, age 7 and jump of a rail road bridge when my voice cracked. I remember standing there on 2 occasions (90 feet high). I tried to jump but each time I got closer to the last few inches it got to hard. I close my eyes and I can still feel I am on the ledge.

I am glad I am here and have had a lot of good experiences and life gets better every day.  I can feel; I mean really feel and experience love and wanting to be with someone. I guess you need to love yourself to love someone else.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but Cynthia your experience and hardships make mine feel like a walk in the park. Your certainly a strong woman, and hear what you went through has given me some peace just now. I never really thought about my situaiton much because I think I let myself get lost in my game addiction.

It has effected my life over the years too and not in a positive way - It wasn't till recently I held down a job for a very long time, I would stay up late almost every night, but I think it has kept me from being overly depressed. I suppose now - that I have decide to rip down the wall of denial I just kept hold back all these feelings I have stuffed behind it, and since never really dealt with me I am getting rather lost in my own thoughts.

[Ltl89]

Interesting post.  I really can't pinpoint the first moment I felt trans.  I would say when I was 10 or 11, but I can't give a specific event of time.  When I was a child, I wasn't really unhappy with my gender.  I sort of enjoyed being a kid and doing the things kids do,lol.  Yeah, I was different and remember getting mocked by the boys in kindergarten for only hanging out with girls, but it was nothing shocking.  I was a quiet and sensitive kid, but happy at the same time.  The only thing really illuminating was the fact that I would dress up and play as female celebrities.  Besides that, there really wasn't anything different about me than other kids.  I had the luxury of genderbending without realizing it and could do female things without realizing they were for girls. I guess I was lucky to have big sisters and no brothers. By the time I was 10 or 11, I started to notice that I was getting very jealous of the other girls.  At this point, I started to notice some of the gender roles and beginning stages of puberty.  I remember being very depressed by this and that when I started to crossdress.  I hate the fact that I did this, but I would wear my sisters clothes around the house whenever I had the chance.  Because I am the youngest, my sisters would go to school earlier than me because elementary school started later.  Also, my parents started work very early in the morning, so I was able to dress alone and in peace.  I did this a lot and remember feeling happy.  I'm not proud of wearing my sister's clothes nor do I like acknowledging that I had on occasion taken some outfits, but it was one of the few comforts I had.  Kids make mistakes and I regret that.  In any event, there is much more to the story, but that is my beginning.

[Aina]

Interesting post.  I really can't pinpoint the first moment I felt trans.  I would say when I was 10 or 11, but I can't give a specific event of time.  When I was a child, I wasn't really unhappy with my gender.  I sort of enjoyed being a kid and doing the things kids do,lol.  Yeah, I was different and remember getting mocked by the boys in kindergarten for only hanging out with girls, but it was nothing shocking.  I was a quiet and sensitive kid, but happy at the same time.  The only thing really illuminating was the fact that I would dress up and play as female celebrities.  Besides that, there really wasn't anything different about me than other kids.  I had the luxury of genderbending without realizing it and could do female things without realizing they were for girls. I guess I was lucky to have big sisters and no brothers. By the time I was 10 or 11, I started to notice that I was getting very jealous of the other girls.  At this point, I started to notice some of the gender roles and beginning stages of puberty.  I remember being very depressed by this and that when I started to crossdress.  I hate the fact that I did this, but I would wear my sisters clothes around the house whenever I had the chance.  Because I am the youngest, my sisters would go to school earlier than me because elementary school started later.  Also, my parents started work very early in the morning, so I was able to dress alone and in peace.  I did this a lot and remember feeling happy.  I'm not proud of wearing my sister's clothes nor do I like acknowledging that I had on occasion taken some outfits, but it was one of the few comforts I had.  Kids make mistakes and I regret that.  In any event, there is much more to the story, but that is my beginning.

I understand LtL, I use to sneak outfits from my sister when no one was around, but the reason I did it was I use to believe in magic and some how I thought if I "wore" girls clothing I'd become one. Hehe she even had this horribly fake looking Cleopatra wig from a Halloween costume I had put on once. I did it more then a couple times, but when I ultimately realize that It wouldn't magically change me into a girl - plus my fear of getting caught, I stopped and haven't cross-dressed since. This is something I don't think I could ever admit to my family let alone my sister, because It makes me feel a bit guilty and well I think it would weird them out.

[carrie359]

Aina,
I got caught too...I think my sister and brother always knew... If I come out they will probably say.. We knew it!!
In therapy I went way back and remembered many things I had hidden in my mind.. and it was painful and made my dysphoria strong..so strong I came back out to my wife but she already knew.. just hoped I could manage in private..
Carrie

[Asche]

Hope this isn't too much of a derail, but:

What if your early memories are of being afraid you'd turn into a girl?

I remember my grandmother used to read the Oz books to me, and there's the part in The Land of Oz where Tip is informed that he is really Princess Ozma, whom the witch Mombi transformed into a boy when she was a baby.  The idea stuck with me for years, but always with a no-pants nightmarish feeling.  Other stories where men disguise themselves as women or boys as girls (like Huckleberry Finn) made me queasy, too.

But I've also felt a fatal-feeling attraction for girl-related things all my life.  And about 10 years ago, I started wearing skirts (which is quite a thing among male contra-dancers), and I wear them most of the time now.  I still feel the tension: part of me really wants to wear pretty, feminine, girly clothes, but at the same time, I'm afraid of showing it to anyone.  I'm afraid the sky will cave in or something.

[Aina]

Hope this isn't too much of a derail, but:

What if your early memories are of being afraid you'd turn into a girl?

I remember my grandmother used to read the Oz books to me, and there's the part in The Land of Oz where Tip is informed that he is really Princess Ozma, whom the witch Mombi transformed into a boy when she was a baby.  The idea stuck with me for years, but always with a no-pants nightmarish feeling.  Other stories where men disguise themselves as women or boys as girls (like Huckleberry Finn) made me queasy, too.

But I've also felt a fatal-feeling attraction for girl-related things all my life.  And about 10 years ago, I started wearing skirts (which is quite a thing among male contra-dancers), and I wear them most of the time now.  I still feel the tension: part of me really wants to wear pretty, feminine, girly clothes, but at the same time, I'm afraid of showing it to anyone.  I'm afraid the sky will cave in or something.

I don't think so, but I've always had a love for stuff like that, before I knew about Transformation Gender stuff, I use to find stuff about Guys becoming girls either tv or other wise.

One of my favorite Power Ranger's episode was when the Pink Ranger and Blue Ranger switched bodies. I wasn't till my teens however that I really got into Transformation Gender media online, fictional stories and images people did, but as I said lately I don't even care about that stuff as much. It use to ease me, now it just brings on thoughts of having to come out, transitioning ect. There are some really good Manga out there that have guys become girls, falling in love, struggling with their new "self". That give me butterflies in my stomach but in a good way!

[Mysteryman]

I was 14 when I first actually realized what I had. Before that, in my dreams and day dreams, I was always a man. I would have little child fantasies that I was this big muscular man who went around saving people (especially attractive females) and thought that was who I was going to grow up to be... Well at least I am tall and strong... lol The male part has yet to come (on the outside)

[Taka]

i know exactly the moment when i knew i was transgender. i can't remember the year, but i must have been in middle school, i think. was watching a documentary about transsexuality, and knew at once that that's what i was. but then they went on to guys who transitioned just to become a gay guy, and with the little bit of homophobia that i was surrounded with, i just couldn't understand the point of doing that, so i just tossed the idea aside. if only they'd explained how hrt affects the psyche, but they didn't. i never knew about hrt even, before i was over 20 and got back to this idea that i can't escape any more.

but the first feelings of not being right aren't anything that i can pinpoint exactly. there are many episodes that i only in hindsight realize were signs of it. in kindergarden i was mortified when the boys shut me out of their playground once. i don't think any girl would have wanted to play with them when they were being such jerks, but then i'm not really a girl. when i was a child, i didn't have any problems with my body, but as soon as puberty was a fact, i knew that i didn't like the changes. a child's body is still fairly neutral, and can turn into anything. for the longest time i hoped i was intersex enough to grow a penis, or prayed to god that i'd turn into a guy over night, or wished upon a star for things that just don't happen spontaneously.

and it still took until that moment in middle school to actually know what was wrong with me. it's impossible to identify as something you don't know what is, and i only knew about transsexuality then. but something about it still didn't feel right enough. that something, i only found out much later, when i started actively searching for information about transition after a guy on some gay forum mentioned hrt. a solution i'd been hoping for for twenty years suddenly presented itself through one of the most obscure forums i've ever known.

and through my search for information, i also found the answer to why i couldn't just decide that i really was transsexual and do whatever it takes to transition. i'm just a different type of transgender. finding out on this forum that non-binary genders exist was just as much of a revelation as when i happened to learn about pansexuality. i could finally say without any doubt that this is what i am. (bisexual is another label that i thought was the closest i could get to what i am, but hesitated to use because something about it didn't sit too well with me still.)

[Rachel84]

I remember two things occurring around the time I was 6 that stuck with me.  One incident was during school when everyone in my grade was getting ready for some religious ceremony or another (Catholic school), and they had the girls standing on one side and the boys on the other.  I remember wondering why I wasn't allowed to be on the girls side and get to wear a pretty dress like all the other girls. 
Around the same time, I saw someone on TV who was transsexual, for the first time (I think it was Donahue), and realizing that a boy could become a girl made me feel happy and excited that I could be a girl someday.  I ran downstairs and told my brother about the woman on TV, and his response was "so do you want to be a girl?".  I could tell if I said yes I would be giving him ammunition for ridicule and torment from then on, so I said no (eventually though he was the first person I came out to and as been my biggest supporter.)

[Northern Jane]

I will remember forever the moment I realized something was wrong though my realization was a little different. From earliest childhood I always believed I WAS a girl and that my body was just somehow odd. At the age of 8 I was playing with a very close male cousin and he said "You should have been a girl." I said "I am." and he replied "No you're not, not really." I spent the next four years in total confusion, trying to hang on to my sense of self but understand what was wrong with my body. When puberty started (which was a little of each, some male, some female) I went into open revolt against the maleness and some way to stop it or change it. That was the early 1960s and nobody had ever heard of transsexual or what it meant. Fortunately things were starting to change. I was diagnosed at 16, started HRT at 17, and had SRS at 24.

Even though there was no term for it at the time, I will always remember that moment at age 8 when I realized I had a SERIOUS problem!

[Gina_Z]

Maybe I was 12. I was told about the birds and the bees. I remember thinking WAIT A MINUTE. No! I distinctly remember feeling a deep sense of envy. I wanted to be a girl not a boy. As I went through puberty I remember thinking sexual attraction was interesting, with new tendencies like staring at girls' legs. I liked that but I felt so much envy. I wanted to be like them. I was sort of cheated. When I was younger child I played with girls and with boys. Androgynous mind.