How to deal with those horrible things every month

[Brandon]

They give me such a hard time, I was crying all day today , I had to go home because of the cramping, I'm so uncomfortable it 's nasty and doesn't feel right, That's one of the reasons I feel less of a man sometimes, It was to the point were I started cutting again I keep forgetting have them

those

[Alex]

Hey Brandon, I'm currently having the same problem... I got very dysphoric last night and it continued to this afternoon along with the physical pain. All I could do to help it was do some yard work to try to distract myself, and it seemed to help a bit. I really don't think cutting will help. I cut myself for almost 10 years, and still struggle with thoughts about doing it but it just makes things worse. Please please try not to do that again.

Do you have any hobbies that could distract you? Like video games or books that you can get immersed in? For me that is the best thing to become distracted by, I hope it helps you out. And is it possible that you could start taking bc to make the bleeding not happen every month?

[Brandon]

Hey Brandon, I'm currently having the same problem... I got very dysphoric last night and it continued to this afternoon along with the physical pain. All I could do to help it was do some yard work to try to distract myself, and it seemed to help a bit. I really don't think cutting will help. I cut myself for almost 10 years, and still struggle with thoughts about doing it but it just makes things worse. Please please try not to do that again.

Do you have any hobbies that could distract you? Like video games or books that you can get immersed in? For me that is the best thing to become distracted by, I hope it helps you out. And is it possible that you could start taking bc to make the bleeding not happen every month?

Yea their are some things I could do, No I'm gonna have to wait to start T

[Brandon]

Do not continue cutting. It DOES NOT solve the problems you have an in fact all it does is create more problems for you because you'll have to deal with these scars for the rest of your life. You need to find something that makes you happy Brandon. I'm on T and guess what I got today? My period. Yeah it sucks but I know eventually I won't have one. You need to have this mentality. One day it will be gone. keep your head up Brandon but self-injury is not the answer.

Yea I know, And yea but once you get on T it does not just stop it takes 3 months before it stops

[Magnus]

This is not what you will want to hear, but I believe you could benefit from the "the pill" like I did when I was a teen with horrible "those". I couldn't even sleep through mine they were so bad. The "heaviest" products available weren't enough even for a night's sleep. That bad. I wound up on a type of "the pill" that stops them for at least three months (although there are some kinds that can stop them year-round). Please consider that option. I know it will help you. But you have to say something to someone, your family or doctor, to get them. I am fully aware it isn't the stuff you want to be on ideally, but T isn't an option yet. I understand the frustration of that. Believe me I do. But I got through it. You can as well.

Please stop harming yourself. Its not going to do anything for you and it could very well lead to situations you really don't want... a 5150 is not pretty. Trust me you don't want that to happen. If your school catches wind of it or sees it, other problems will result.

[Brandon]

This is not what you will want to hear, but I believe you could benefit from the "the pill" like I did when I was a teen with horrible "those". I couldn't even sleep through mine they were so bad. The "heaviest" products available weren't enough even for a night's sleep. That bad. I wound up on a type of "the pill" that stops them for at least three months (although there are some kinds that can stop them year-round). Please consider that option. I know it will help you. But you have to say something to someone, your family or doctor, to get them. I am fully aware it isn't the stuff you want to be on ideally, but T isn't an option yet. I understand the frustration of that. Believe me I do. But I got through it. You can as well.

Please stop harming yourself. Its not going to do anything for you and it could very well lead to situations you really don't want... a 5150 is not pretty. Trust me you don't want that to happen. If your school catches wind of it or sees it, other problems will result.

My family won't allow it so I have no choice, One of my school couselours already knows

[DriftingCrow]

I find drinking lots of water helps.

Otherwise, like others said above, you just need to distract yourself somehow.

My family won't allow it so I have no choice, One of my school couselours already knows

You could go to Planned Parenthood to get it. I knew girls in high school who got it there without their parents permission. If you don't feel comfortable hat route, perhaps you csn discuss it with your primary care doctor on your next visit. If your period is that bad, your regular doctor might be able to talk to your parents about the pill, or recommend something else for you to take.

[Brandon]

I find drinking lots of water helps.

Otherwise, like others said above, you just need to distract yourself somehow.

You could go to Planned Parenthood to get it. I knew girls in high school who got it there without their parents permission. If you don't feel comfortable hat route, perhaps you csn discuss it with your primary care doctor on your next visit. If your period is that bad, your regular doctor might be able to talk to your parents about the pill, or recommend something else for you to take.

Im just gonna man up and deal with it until I get on T, Getting on BC will just make me more dysphoric

[Magnus]

Frankly, I don't think this is something you can try to just ignore especially since you say it is driving you to self-harm. That can't continue. That is in fact the stark opposite of dealing with it.

Go to a clinic (or your regular doctor) by yourself (under most State's law in the US, this is YOUR business, the doctor cannot tell your family unless YOU give them express permission to) and tell them you need Depo-provera. There is no estrogen in it. It is just progesterone. And before you shoot that down, progesterone is present in both genders and at nearly the same amount. It is necessary for both genders. It is not a male or female hormone. But it is the very hormone in females that stops the "things". And it is a shot, not a pill. You just go in to the clinic (or your regular doctor), get it and that's it... until the next one (there is no reason or excuse why you can't get to your doctor or a clinic by yourself once every three months). It should drastically decrease or stop altogether your "things". While it is technically birth control, it is actually nothing like the others because there are NO female hormones in it. Just progesterone. I'm not lying to you, go check the facts for yourself and make a decision.

I'm not saying its a miracle and will work in the way you want overnight but the vast majority that take it don't get "those" anymore at all, so long as they continue it. But these are all excellent things to discuss with a doctor. Please do so. And, if you do and they try and weasel out of it. Get creative for why you need it. Example: "I've tried the other methods but they don't work and cause ___________ that I can't handle". It's that simple.

This is about the only option I can see left available for you to really resolve the problem. It is what I would do in your situation. I never was on this because I had no problem taking the pills. At the end of the day, I had to decide what was worse. Being on female pills... or the terrible "thing" that was severely disrupting my life. I chose the pills. Don't regret it.

[A]

I'm just curious, uhm, why doesn't your family want you to take birth control pills? I can't really understand why.

[Jack_M]

Yea I know, And yea but once you get on T it does not just stop it takes 3 months before it stops

You need to do more research on T.  There is no set in stone time at all. 3 months would be quite rare to be completely free of it actually.  Some folks can still have it up to around a year or so on T. That's unlikely but if you ever plan to go on T, research it a bit more so you know what to actually expect, or you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Very little of the changes happen at set times, it's different for everyone.

I think you need to find some way to cope with it, and talking about it could help. Cutting yourself is never the answer. If you can't handle hell week now, on T it's going to be worse until it stops because it becomes entirely unpredictable.  That's a recipe for disaster when you find yourself cutting even though you know roughly when it's coming.  As is, right now, mine could come any moment. And I've had two weird days months apart where I bled a teeny bit for just one day with no lead up or indication it would happen.  This is why using this time to build coping mechanisms would be time well spent.  I believe it was Jay who talked about having a plan in another thread, part of your plan could be to learn to cope and the following could help:

Make an appointment to see a doctor you trust and ask for help. If your parents won't help, then screw your parents.  This is your life, not theirs and you need to look out for number 1 and cut out the opposition.  If you can't see a GP, go to a clinic or hospital.  If you're cutting, then there's your reason to get help and see a therapist.  When you admit to cutting you become an at risk minor and will get help!

The best plan of attack, in my opinion is to make a plan and get proactive.

[Mr.X]

Brandon,

First of all, sorry you have to deal with this. I know it isn't fun and in fact, shouldn't even exist.
But I keep reading posts from you about things you can not change. You made a post about being born a man, having a 'real' penis, producing sperm and the likes. All things that can't be changed, so you brushed all advices aside. Being stationary, without progress, is what drags people down. And I see this a lot in you.

But now you post about something you can actually change. Going to the doctor and getting that progesterone shot sounds like a very good solution. There are no excuses to not take it. It would solve one issue which is clearly bothering you enough to make you cut yourself. So it is time to act. Seize the fact that you can finally change something. Make progess. It would maybe solve 'just' one issue in this big dysphoric soup, but it is a big one. And the fact you are moving forward will be a really big pick me up, trust me.

Also, if you are cutting yourself and are still not allowed to see a therapist, then it is time to call child services. In my eyes, that is neglect from your parent's side.

The time to act is now.

[Brandon]

You need to do more research on T.  There is no set in stone time at all. 3 months would be quite rare to be completely free of it actually.  Some folks can still have it up to around a year or so on T. That's unlikely but if you ever plan to go on T, research it a bit more so you know what to actually expect, or you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Very little of the changes happen at set times, it's different for everyone.

I think you need to find some way to cope with it, and talking about it could help. Cutting yourself is never the answer. If you can't handle hell week now, on T it's going to be worse until it stops because it becomes entirely unpredictable.  That's a recipe for disaster when you find yourself cutting even though you know roughly when it's coming.  As is, right now, mine could come any moment. And I've had two weird days months apart where I bled a teeny bit for just one day with no lead up or indication it would happen.  This is why using this time to build coping mechanisms would be time well spent.  I believe it was Jay who talked about having a plan in another thread, part of your plan could be to learn to cope and the following could help:

Make an appointment to see a doctor you trust and ask for help. If your parents won't help, then screw your parents.  This is your life, not theirs and you need to look out for number 1 and cut out the opposition.  If you can't see a GP, go to a clinic or hospital.  If you're cutting, then there's your reason to get help and see a therapist.  When you admit to cutting you become an at risk minor and will get help!

The best plan of attack, in my opinion is to make a plan and get proactive.

I'm not gonna say screw my parents at all, Because I do have good parents, And I researched about everything about T that's what it said I'm not saying its a fact

[Brandon]

I'm just curious, uhm, why doesn't your family want you to take birth control pills? I can't really understand why.

Trust me you don't know my mom she figures out everything, That's why I'm gonna wait

[Brandon]

Brandon,

First of all, sorry you have to deal with this. I know it isn't fun and in fact, shouldn't even exist.
But I keep reading posts from you about things you can not change. You made a post about being born a man, having a 'real' penis, producing sperm and the likes. All things that can't be changed, so you brushed all advices aside. Being stationary, without progress, is what drags people down. And I see this a lot in you.

But now you post about something you can actually change. Going to the doctor and getting that progesterone shot sounds like a very good solution. There are no excuses to not take it. It would solve one issue which is clearly bothering you enough to make you cut yourself. So it is time to act. Seize the fact that you can finally change something. Make progess. It would maybe solve 'just' one issue in this big dysphoric soup, but it is a big one. And the fact you are moving forward will be a really big pick me up, trust me.

Also, if you are cutting yourself and are still not allowed to see a therapist, then it is time to call child services. In my eyes, that is neglect from your parent's side.

The time to act is now.

My mom doesn't know I'm cutting my mom is already stressed out enough with other things which is why I don't bother telling her

[Cindy]

I and all of the Mods have looked over your threads and asked the guys to advise you.
Can I just say being TG is not nice.

Tell me about it.

Get to a counselor in your school and talk.

Maybe pro-active may help.

Complaining about it doesn't.

I know you are young, you have chances, take them

Cindy

[Magnus]

I'm not gonna say screw my parents at all, Because I do have good parents

Trust me you don't know my mom she figures out everything, That's why I'm gonna wait

My mom doesn't know I'm cutting my mom is already stressed out enough with other things which is why I don't bother telling her

I'm no therapist, but I do think I'm seeing a large part of the real problem here. From your own omission (quote 2) it isn't because your mom actually doesn't want you to, or has said no. It's because you haven't even approached her at all about this and are scared to, isn't it? I can understand that and I think I can also deduce why that would be. You don't want her to find out the real reason why you want and need this. Which is also perfectly understandable. However, I now feel it important to say to you that millions of people with this problem are on a management therapy because they can't handle the severity of it either, for their own reasons whatever they are. You don't have to tell your mom its because your trans that you need this. Few people like this. Most hate it too. That's why they came up with these ways of reducing it or even now getting rid of it. There's no reason or way she would become suspicious of any ulterior/extenuating reasons solely over this. If that's what you're worried about, you're worrying over nothing there.

Also, I feel it would hurt your mom more to find out the facts later and when she does eventually find out (quote 2 again), whether by you or on her own. You really need to have a conversation with her about this (if not the other things) and soon. You don't have to go into the self-harm with her (although I really think you need to do that as well, to someone in a capacity that can actually help you because that is way beyond my or anyone else's capability here, IMO). But you do need to get yourself a way to stop hurting yourself and if the only way for that to happen is no more 'problem', then you need either those pills or that shot.

If you really wanted/needed that, you wouldn't let anything stand in your way of getting it.

So why are you?

You know, I regret the lack of communication I had with my mom throughout my childhood and adolescence. I realize now the reason for that is because I was being stupid in letting my fears stand in my way of it because I thought I needed to keep my distance so she'd never find out. I thought if she knew I was trans she would hate me and disown me on the spot, toss me right out of the house the second I turned 18. You know what? None of it happened. I didn't trust her when I should have. Looking back on the cowardly way I had to go and get myself absolutely drunk to tell her just after 18, its comical and sad at the same time. What I got was "why didn't you tell me earlier?" and it about knocked me over. Not to say it was a bed of roses, that there weren't some other issues down the road but that's a far sight better than anything I ever thought would have been the outcome with my mom over this.

My point is. Your mom may surprise you. If you trust her. If what you've said about her (quote 1) is true, you've got nothing to worry about. What I see, the brunt of your immediate core of problems rests with your lack of communication with your mom. Your fear of her figuring it all out. About this. And when I say this, I mean the trans thing.

I wouldn't ordinarily go here but I think in your case... the band-aid needs to be yanked off. When it's over it's over. You can then stop worrying about it. It will be better. The not knowing and the worrying about the maybe's is the real torture. Not the actual knowing, knowing where you stand. I know. I've been there. I know you won't believe me now, but that's as it really is. Unless you already genuinely know her knowing would make your situation worse (and not THINKING it but I mean knowing)... well, I think you get the point well enough at that and I'll let you think about it now. But you never know, she could surprise you to the point of wanting to help you get where you really want and need to be. I never expected it but that's why I'm able to be on T now, because of my mom. I couldn't be able to do it otherwise. It's possible. Don't cut her short because of thinking she'll be this way or that way about it because you actually can't know how she'll be about it until you muster the courage to talk to her and find out. No matter how long you wait, whatever is going to happen is going to happen regardless.

I really do think this is at the very heart of your current problems.

As to quote 3. Clearly you care about your mom. I understand your not wanting to burden her with more to deal with. I've also been there and still go there. But I stand by what I said earlier. I think it will be much worse for her when she finds out considerably later. It will hurt her more then than I think it would now.


My $0.2, take it or leave it as you see fit.

[NathanielM]

My mom doesn't know I'm cutting my mom is already stressed out enough with other things which is why I don't bother telling her

Hey Brandon, I understand that you might feel this way because I've been there myself. I have a parent with mental health issues and all through my youth I've tried to 'ease her load' by hiding the things that I was struggling with. You can take it from me that that's generally not what a parent wants (sometimes there are exceptions but then we are back to child services). You say you have good parents, and I know that that means they'll want to know because it doesn't matter how much they have to deal with they'll probably want you to be safe and healthy. If your mom cares about you (and I'm sure she does) she'll want to know and try to help even though she has her own issues, that's what parents do! And chances are if she finds out later, it will give her more stress because she'll feel guilty about not being there for you.

[FTMDiaries]

Is there any way you can ask your mom to arrange counselling for you without mentioning that it's for trans* issues? Could you tell her you're depressed or something? Please do tell her (or another trusted adult) about the cutting... but you could just say that you're doing it because of depression and you want to see someone about it. You can then tell the counsellor whatever you want; you don't have to mention the trans* stuff to your family until you feel ready, if you have reason to suspect that it isn't a good idea right now. And from what you've said about your family's religious beliefs, you might have good reasons to be hesitant.

As for your original question, I learned to deal with my monthlies by thinking of them as just another curious biological thing that my body does of its own accord, like breathing or sweating or urinating. Who I am as a person has nothing to do with the fact that I urinate... so I don't have to be defined by any other biological functions either.

[Jack_M]

I'm not gonna say screw my parents at all, Because I do have good parents, And I researched about everything about T that's what it said I'm not saying its a fact

You researched "everything" and that's what "it" said?  So...one thing = everything?  What you know is effectively wrong, that's why you need to do more.  Believing false truths about T will not help you in your goal.  It's not the golden ticket to happiness.  Things happen at different rates and dysphoria can shift.  You have to demonstrate that you know what T does and that you're of sound mind before you start because it's a roller coaster.  You're not able to start T yet, I know that, but if you one day do want to start, you need to effectively grow up.  You need to start getting a hold of YOUR life, not the life your parents want.  Your parents can't do or fix everything for you, and sometimes they're more counter productive in that area than helpful.   

Sometimes I honestly don't know why you ask for advice, Brandon,  You're so stubbornly against everything that would help you.  You're never happy when people give you good advice.  You say your parents won't let you get therapy, I'm telling you that if your parents won't let you get therapy, then screw them.  I didn't say turn your back on them entirely, I'm telling you in this situation, your parents are 100% wrong and what they are doing is against your best interests.  Frankly it's tantamount to child abuse to not provide adequate care and support for a child.  Plain and simple! It honestly seems you'd rather just complain and blame everything on everyone and everything else than actually seek help!

Life would be so much easier if we'd be born the right gender in the first place.  We ALL know that!  But when you focus on that it is a colossal waste of time!  This is something that absolutely cannot ever be changed.  You cannot change what's happened no matter how much you complain about it.  But, there's plenty that can be done to at first deal with the issues that stem from that mistake, and start the process to try to fix it and better our lives.  It might never be perfect, but then whose life is perfect?

Here's your only two options:

• Actually get off your butt and do something and have a happier life.
• Keep complaining and become even more bitter.