How long did it take to not be scared in public?

[MaidofOrleans]

I was scared to death for the longest time of going out in public but after quite a few weeks of baby steps i'm just about over my fear. Finally going back to work really hit the nail on the head for me. I have to interact with a lot of people (I work in retail returns) and I have yet to be misgendered. I even had a lot of customers ask if I had a brother that works there  Those who do recognize me have had only kind words to say. It's been one week totally full time and so far so good!

You really do just gotta put your big girl panties on and go out and face your fears. Location is a big factor though I will say. Living in San Diego is probably a lot easier because it has so much diversity that most people wouldn't care either way. I've gotten so use to it that it feels weird to go to other places in the country that are not as diverse.

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

I do not hide away and I have been full time at work for a while,  I have been out in public for ages and I am ok with work colleagues and people I know.  I have my big girl panties on :-P  I am getting out there and doing it but my fear level is still high. Some days it's kinda ok,  some days I just feel so self conscious of all my male features that I want to hide them /me.

[Tessa James]

Some days it's kinda ok,  some days I just feel so self conscious of all my male features that I want to hide them /me.

It seems entirely reasonable that we have these days where our self confidence bottoms out and then we can pick up the pieces and regroup.  These days, with HRT, it is a bit more challenging for me to identity the sources of angst or doubt.  Catching a glimpse of "him" in a mirror or photo can do it but that seems to be improving for me with practice being out all the time.
What a roller coast some days!

And while your own self acceptance is most important I gotta say that, Akira you look gorgeous and i see no man at all.

[Bardoux]

Oh Bardoux, I really feel for you. I have been there too. I still get there sometimes. You are very cute though. You will do just fine ;-) x

Thank you babe 

You know your gorgeous right? x

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

Thanks Tessa and Bardoux, you are too kind :-) Literally.

[Robin Mack]

After this past weekend I feel much more empathy for the women on this board who caution against LGBTQ events (I've got a post in this forum detailing my experience https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,149303.0.html if you're interested).

On the plus side, people in these communities can help.  A *lot*.  They have wisdom from their own experiences to share, tips for clothes, presentation, shoes, makeup, jobs in the local area, etc.  They are often warm and friendly and very accepting.  But Friday night was absolutely wonderful and I truly felt like I was expressing the woman within myself until I got repeatedly clocked and recognized at a place I used to visit.

I guess it doesn't help that I was a local semi-celebrity before in my attempting-really-hard-to-be-male persona.  But seriously, while people are well-meaning, they can really be harmful in their attempts.  This makes me unhappy with my trans status, and impatient to transition.  I can see how it would be tempting to go completely stealth after the transition (although, as a bisexual, after transitioning I would probably continue to be a part of the L and B communities no matter what).  The danger there is that the women who have learned their lessons best, who know best how to integrate into society, are no longer available as mentors.

So, while I do recommend the support of the community, I also recommend having some CIS female friends to go do things with *outside* of that community too, where you can be a girl with your girlfriends and just enjoy life.  It is wonderful, and well worth it!

The long and the short is that only by going out often and socializing (facing your fears) can you overcome them... at least, that's how I see it.  Depending on what stage you are in, it may be best to stay in the LGBTQ "nest" for a bit, but I do recommend some training flights with CIS women, too.

*hug*

[Kate G]

On the plus side, people in these communities can help.  A *lot*.  They have wisdom from their own experiences to share, tips for clothes, presentation, shoes, makeup, jobs in the local area, etc.  They are often warm and friendly and very accepting.

Yes.  And I am going to check out your other post.  Just wanted to say that for many of us it may be better to get anonymous help on a forum such as this rather than by exposing one's self as trans to a bunch of people who will then be able to point you out as trans, tell other people you are trans, take pictures of you, post those pictures on websites... And while someone can de-transition they can never remove the memories that they were/are trans from other people just like you can post a pic of yourself on the web and then take it down but the internet always keeps about ten thousand copies of it so you can never really take that picture down even though you did. For people who are exploring the possibility that they may be trans it may be better for some to experience that without creating contacts who know them as trans, can point them out as trans, will out them later on as trans.

And I know this may sound weird on a forum like this but trans women can ask women for tips on clothing, hair and makeup. Virtually all of the problems that we experience as trans women are things that women have to deal with.  Some women have facial hair, some women have masculine voices, some women loose their hair, Etc.

[Robin Mack]

And I know this may sound weird on a forum like this but trans women can ask women for tips on clothing, hair and makeup. Virtually all of the problems that we experience as trans women are things that women have to deal with.  Some women have facial hair, some women have masculine voices, some women loose their hair, Etc.

Absolutely... I owe a *lot* to the CIS women who have helped me begin my journey (and who are willing, even eager to take their "new" girlfriend out on the town).  It works both ways... even though I've always been on the outside, I have insight into men that can only be gained by being immersed in their world.  As a transgendered person, you may find you are able to help them better understand the males in their life, because you speak both languages (even if one is more distasteful), at least better than they do.  And they can help with all the million and one little things that many of us missed out on by being raised male instead of female.

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

You are a lot sharper than me if you figured them out during ur time before!

[Madison Leigh]

It's taken me a while to get comfortable - and I've had the benefit of being able to go out with my wife and/or my roommate quite a bit.  What finally did it for me were trips to the grocery store of all places.  My roommate normally does the grocery shopping and she started dragging me along with her since I like to cook.  I was more interested in the shopping than worrying about what anybody else thought - if anything I got a little too comfortable as I still have to "think" about my voice or I lapse back to my male voice and I found I was doing that there. 

[vlmitchell]

Well, if we're talking about me and only me? I went full-time on about the second month after my little break-down/through. The fear was a lot and I do mean, a LOT but it really helps when you're just throwing yourself out there day after day. It took a couple of days for the OMG GONNA DIE fears to go away, about six months for the general unease to go away, and after that, everything was just tapering. These days? T-shirt, jeans, swat a brush at my hair and I'm out the door with only the barest whisper of anxiety though, pre SRS, it just kinda lingers on me because... EW!

You're really, really attractive though and I don't really see any issues at all with you getting clocked or whatever so that'll make it easier. Getting clocked is pretty much the worst because the only people who care enough to do so are generally ->-bleeped-<-s and tend to make the expierence quite unpleasant.

[decepticonLaura]

i'm at eleven months right now, and i'm finding so much variation day to day i don't even know how to talk about it properly....
when i am with my girlfriend, and i manage to get myself ready and get out the door, i can go anywhere and do anything.
dodgy suburbs where we have to run to the car to not be assaulted? that's a laugh. [at least... when we get far enough away it's a laugh.]
hanging out with musical idols i haven't seen since heavy boymode? great hobby, best nights.
family functions where i'll be literally and figuratively torn apart? i wade into that, confidence so bright i can feel it pouring out of my eyes.
....but without her? some days i walk to the corner shop and i feel like a regular girl. sometimes i dance and show off. last week i had to meet her in the city like we've done a hundred times before, and i ended up in a huddle in the corner of the train station having the worst anxiety attack i've ever had.
i feel like overall i'm making progress and getting better
but i still have no idea what makes some days so easy to deal with and others a nightmare.
i doubt i ever will, i think we just have to focus on getting one foot in front of the other, every day....
it's such a long road. but you all know that as well as i do.

[Lesley_Roberta]

I have no idea what fear in public feels like. That's just me.

I'm known for being the WRONG person to dare, as I am not afraid to do things. Granted, I am squeamish about anything not legal.

But then again, considering what I have done in my life, walking down the street dressed correctly, I haven't the slightest concerns about what others might think. MY opinion of myself is the only one I worry about.

I don't know what shy feels like, and 'embarrassed' is a word that really has no use in my experiences. I have had to take my foot out of my mouth before, but, I do it and then move on