Coming out as a trans man to mom . . . and the rest of the family

[MaybeJake]

I have to come out to my mom soon. I hate keeping a secret this big from her. My fear is not that she won't take it well, or that she'll disown me or something, but that she won't believe me. That she'll think that my being a man is a whim. Or even worse, a mental illness brought on by my medications, somehow rewiring my brain.

What it boils down to is, I'm afraid she won't believe me and thus won't support my efforts to realize my true gender. She's just "known" I was a lesbian since I was twelve (I'm thirty-three, now) and has been okay with that. But telling her that I'm a man is a whole nother level of okay to expect her to be, I suppose. How do I tell her in such a way to keep her from just assuming I'm a really confused lesbian when what I actually am is a bisexual man who's finally got his head on straight?

How do I tell her without hurting her? More than is necessary, anyway. I need to hammer this home . . . only without using the hammer.

And eventually I'll have to tell the rest of my family, as well. We're not especially close, but we see each other once in a while. They're sure to notice if I'm a dude the next time they see me. And my uncle and mom are actually close, and we see him a lot more often than we see the rest of the family. I'm pretty close to him. How do I tell him?

Any advice or suggestions--or examples of how to do it or how not to do it--is appreciated. Thanks.


MJ

[Salman67]

Hey MJ,

I recently came out to my sisters, my youngest sister was kind of easy one but my oldest sister i was scared and not really sure if i wanted to tell her but to my surprise she took it so well.
Just be urself and make sure you tell her everything like when u realized n all the research u did etc etc
It is hard but at the end if they care for u they will accept u for who u r.
I wish u all the best bud

[Adam (birkin)]

I would worry about the person you're going to tell first and try not to think ahead to other family members just yet. Thinking about everyone just makes it this huge, overwhelming thing and it's easier to take it one person at the time.

As for advice...well, your fear about her not taking you seriously...I'm sorry to tell you but that's a very common occurrence. I think it happens to almost all of us. Not getting family support can really hurt, but at the end of the day, you have to do what you need to do. Especially at age 33, you can't live your life for your parents. We all hope to not hurt anyone by being ourselves, but she may well be hurt.

I guess what I am trying to say is that although your fears may come true, it's nothing you can't handle. Most families DO come around, even when they say or do things that are really hurtful. One of the things you have working in your favour that that you are 33. It's much easier in many regards when you are an adult because (I assume) you don't rely on your parents financially and have probably established yourself at a job, with education perhaps, etc.

[Sophia Gubb]

My parents at first both thought I had gone mad and that it was some kind of whim and wasn't real.

I'm not sure what my father thinks now, cause I don't talk to him much, but I know my mother has come around.

I guess what I'm saying is, even if they react badly to start with, they have time to get their heads around it. After all, your identity is not going anywhere. If they get it wrong to start with, that's still not likely to be their definitive position.

[Megumi]

I haven't told my family yet but I do have to say just be honest with your feelings. Tell them exactly how you feel and how this IS what you need to do to be happy with yourself and ask for their support even if they are against it or think you're just going through a phase. From what I understand for the most part everyone who comes out to their family always gets some push back. We also have to look at it from their point of view, they are hearing that their daughter is basically going away and a new person will take their place. That's a huge shock especially for your parents. When they say it's not true then give them all of the memories that you've had in life from those significant moments where you KNEW this is who you are and how you felt from not being able to be that person.

[Jessica Merriman]

It has to be honest and open. I lost most of my family, a large inheritance, and my kids, but it was worth it to be me to stop pretending (47 years) I was someone else. My family is very religious and I knew it would not be pretty. You do have to do what you're heart says or live in pain the rest of you're life. After it's over, don't obsess about it. Leave all regret like you left you're wrong body. Just let it go. Good Luck

[Ltl89]

I have to come out to my mom soon. I hate keeping a secret this big from her. My fear is not that she won't take it well, or that she'll disown me or something, but that she won't believe me. That she'll think that my being a man is a whim. Or even worse, a mental illness brought on by my medications, somehow rewiring my brain.

What it boils down to is, I'm afraid she won't believe me and thus won't support my efforts to realize my true gender. She's just "known" I was a lesbian since I was twelve (I'm thirty-three, now) and has been okay with that. But telling her that I'm a man is a whole nother level of okay to expect her to be, I suppose. How do I tell her in such a way to keep her from just assuming I'm a really confused lesbian when what I actually am is a bisexual man who's finally got his head on straight?

How do I tell her without hurting her? More than is necessary, anyway. I need to hammer this home . . . only without using the hammer.

And eventually I'll have to tell the rest of my family, as well. We're not especially close, but we see each other once in a while. They're sure to notice if I'm a dude the next time they see me. And my uncle and mom are actually close, and we see him a lot more often than we see the rest of the family. I'm pretty close to him. How do I tell him?

Any advice or suggestions--or examples of how to do it or how not to do it--is appreciated. Thanks.


MJ

Some of your fears are assumptions my mother made about me.  I really wish I great advice, but it's definitely tough and there are no magic words to create a guaranteed positive outcome.  The advice above me is very apt and you should consider what they say, but please be aware of the difficulties that could occur and make plans.  I would take this up with your therapist and create a strategy that will enable you to deal with all the possible outcomes. 

Good luck!  As many know I have a particular sensitivity to this issue, so I hope it goes really well!