Dating men before going full time

[Ltl89]

Hello all,

I'm sure many of you know about me and my situation by now, but I am a 24 year old pre-op trans girl who has just recently started her transition. As such, I'm still presenting as male; although, I feel I'm fairly feminine looking and hormones have only been helping and laser is coming very soon. Still, I am giving things there time and not rushing into anything prematurely.  I'll probably go part time at the end of January and begin full time asap (no later than June).  This depends on how my therapist, my family and I feel about my progress at that point.  I share all of this because it's obviously important information when it comes to dating. 

In any event, I'm tired of waiting to date.  Throughout my life, I have always wanted companionship, but I never allowed myself to go for it.  I'm really not interested in women and doubt I could ever be (believe me, I tried).  Despite the fact that I had opportunities available to me, it wasn't what I wanted.  However, I have never dated a guy or even attempted to do so.  Mainly my fear is that I gay guy would see me as something I hated.... a guy.  It makes sense and is understandable, but that was always uncomfortable for me.  Plus, I'm not really interested in being intimate at the moment; at least, not in any way that involves my privates.  Because I have sexual hang ups and major gender dysphoria, dating has always been a no no for me.

Having said all that, I can't help but feel sad and lonely over the fact that I never had a boyfriend or even dated in any sense.  I would hate to be viewed as the "boyfriend" in any way, but I really desire companionship.  Someone to hold my hand, kiss me, hold me, love me, etc.  I guess a loving boyfriend is what I always wanted to find and something I never allowed myself to look for.   But I realize my situation prevents me from attaining this.  One, I'm still early in my transition and things aren't quite solidified as I would hope.  I would imagine any real meaningful relationship would have to occur after I sort out some of the initial transition stuff.  Two, I'll still have the body dysphoria and will likely have difficulties being intimate.  The fact is I don't like the idea of anyone seeing me naked or seeing my body as something desirable.  SRS will help, but I don't know when I can afford that. It makes dating complicated because men usually expect sex and it's something I feel iffy about.  Maybe if I meet the right guy who I feel comfortable with and he ignores that area, but so much is uncertain.  Three, there is so much social stigma involved in dating a transwoman that my limited options are even more limited.  While there may be plenty of fish in the sea, only a select few would probably take to me. 

I guess I'm looking for advice.  I don't know what to do.  While I really want to give dating a try, I'm really at a loss because of these things.  I've been thinking about meeting a bi guy or try to turn a gay guy straight (yeah, I'm sure that'll work, lol) but I really have no idea how to go about dating.  I want to be open with anyone that I meet because they deserve to know what they are getting into, so disclosure won't be an issue.  Well, at least if I feel it's likely to go somewhere after a few dates.  But how to start the process and get the interest of men beforehand is hard for me to figure out.  I'm in such a weird situation that no dating service really makes sense and as both gay and straight men wouldn't know what to do with me (though I have been getting checked out recently  ).  Still I'm not rushing my transition for the sake of any man or for his approval.  Things need to go right for my own happiness and my transition needs to be as stable and smooth as possible.  So my desire to have a successful transition outweighs my desire for romance; however, I'd like to squeeze it in if I can.  While I realize waiting to date is probably for the best, I wanted to reach out and get some feedback.  Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated. 

Thanks everyone!

[Apples Mk.II]

Despite being full time, I'm in the same boat with regards to dating. I still don't see me physically ready, and so far I have only attracted gay men looking for effeminate boys (Under all of this layer of makeup, that's what I look like under the clothes, plust the tiny breasts). I'd so much want, but my current physique puts me off. I'd have no problem with the back door Pre-SRS, but I don' like being perceived as a guy (Which is what happens when it comes to sex. I've been to a few hook up chats, and that's what they seem to be looking every time I am approached. Sure, I would not mind, but knowing that I'm not going to be seen as a woman puts me off.

Real Dating is even harder... Yeah, I miss not having somebody to rely on, but at the same time...

[vlmitchell]

I'm going to call cart before horse on this. Transition is a taxing thing in and of itself. Get that well under way before starting to look for companionship as the process that you're in will change who you are, fundamentally (not your essence but definitely *you*.)

Get some time to adjust to life as a 24 year old girl. Experience what that's like. At your age, transition should be pretty easy and you should develop quickly. You really don't want to enter into any sort of relationship (aside from one night stands) not full time. You've got a whole world of experiences to deal with and get through before you're going to really be comfortable with yourself and that's probably not a great place to start a meaningful relationship.

I'm sorry to be the one with the boo-naysay opinion here but I really cannot see any way that it'd be a great idea to try to form a serious relationship before you're 100% you 24/7.

[Joanna Dark]

do people miss and she you alll the time? Do guys hit on you. If so, start dressing like a girl ur age, skinny jeans and a cute top and msybe some flats or deck shoes, and put urself out there. Its all about putting urself inthe right situarion. It worked for me and I have a BF who I live and sleep with and I'm pre op. So I'm notthing special so it could work for you too. I have no idea what you look like so it's hard to really sy. You should post a pic sometime. Really though you need to get over ur insecurities if ur going to move forwarrd. No girl on earth is 100 percent satisfied with their looks.

[FrancisAnn]

OKcupid brought a lot of men, most were wrong but some were OK with & wanted a pre op girl/woman.

You have to kiss some frogs to find a prince. A strong nice man will find you if you try.

Good luck, again

[DrBobbi]

consider that you're going through a second puberty, and like all girls going through puberty, they shouldn't be messing around. Dangerous, even deadly. This takes patience. Good luck

[Hideyoshi]

I met my one and only boyfriend at an anime convention in 2010.  I was cross dressing and not passable.  We fell in love, and in 2012, when i told him I would start taking hormones, he said 'whatever makes you happy, be careful'


I guess it depends what kind of person you meet.  If they love you unconditionally, it shouldn't matter

[ZoeM]

I met my person right before full time - far enough in that I wasn't fooling anyone anywhere, though. I met him as a woman, but I was lucky enough to find someone who (while being absolutely straight) doesn't care about what I am - only who.

Which is to say, they are out there, and you can find them.
Just be careful!

[Ltl89]

I'm going to call cart before horse on this. Transition is a taxing thing in and of itself. Get that well under way before starting to look for companionship as the process that you're in will change who you are, fundamentally (not your essence but definitely *you*.)

Get some time to adjust to life as a 24 year old girl. Experience what that's like. At your age, transition should be pretty easy and you should develop quickly. You really don't want to enter into any sort of relationship (aside from one night stands) not full time. You've got a whole world of experiences to deal with and get through before you're going to really be comfortable with yourself and that's probably not a great place to start a meaningful relationship.

I'm sorry to be the one with the boo-naysay opinion here but I really cannot see any way that it'd be a great idea to try to form a serious relationship before you're 100% you 24/7.

Thank you for your opinion.  I see what you are saying, and I can't say I fully disagree.  Still, it's really hard for me because I really desire romance.  AS for one night stands, it's totally not my thing.  I don't judge anyone for having one, but I know I'm not interested in that.

do people miss and she you alll the time? Do guys hit on you. If so, start dressing like a girl ur age, skinny jeans and a cute top and msybe some flats or deck shoes, and put urself out there. Its all about putting urself inthe right situarion. It worked for me and I have a BF who I live and sleep with and I'm pre op. So I'm notthing special so it could work for you too. I have no idea what you look like so it's hard to really sy. You should post a pic sometime. Really though you need to get over ur insecurities if ur going to move forwarrd. No girl on earth is 100 percent satisfied with their looks.

If I were to present more androgynous in terms of clothing, I bet I would get correctly gendered.  I'm still in the in between phase, so it's hit or miss with me.  Still, I've been told that I could easily pass with just a little effort.  However, there are things that I need to work on.  Laser will come soon and my voice is improving.  Once those things are out of the way, I can finally start dressing the proper way and being me.  Plus, my hormones just got readjusted, so I'm hoping for some more changes.  And given the fact that everyone notices major changes so far, I'm betting there is more to come.  It's getting to the point where everyone knows something big is going on or notices.  I'm not really able to hide it anymore.

What's funny is I have noticed men act differently with me.  Men seem like they need to show their masculinity around me and sometimes it seems like they are either threatened by a more feminine presence and need to prove their own masculinity when confronted with it or they feel the need to impress me.  I never get hit on vocally, but I do sense attraction among some of them and confusion with others.  I've been getting looks, including being checked out and notice men see me with a confused curiosity.  It's hard to explain.  It's all starting, so I assume that more will develop in time.   

I don't post a picture mainly because I value my privacy and security.  I've been a victim of crime in the past and know what bullying feels like.   While I trust most people here, you never know.  I've been hurt by those who I have trusted and take warnings from other trans friends very seriously.  After all this information, could come back to haunt me or a loved one someday in the future.  I may one day show my face, but I have to consider whether or not I will commit to stealth.  If so, I have to be careful.  It depends. 

At the end of the day, it's not so much a passing issue.  I'm not fretting over that.  It will happen in time.  But I'm curious how someone in my particular situation could or should go about dating.

consider that you're going through a second puberty, and like all girls going through puberty, they shouldn't be messing around. Dangerous, even deadly. This takes patience. Good luck

I hear you and understand where you are coming from.  It's something to consider for sure. 

I met my one and only boyfriend at an anime convention in 2010.  I was cross dressing and not passable.  We fell in love, and in 2012, when i told him I would start taking hormones, he said 'whatever makes you happy, be careful'


I guess it depends what kind of person you meet.  If they love you unconditionally, it shouldn't matter

I met my person right before full time - far enough in that I wasn't fooling anyone anywhere, though. I met him as a woman, but I was lucky enough to find someone who (while being absolutely straight) doesn't care about what I am - only who.

Which is to say, they are out there, and you can find them.
Just be careful!

Thanks you two for sharing the positive feedback.  I'm glad it's possible.  Just wish I knew how to make it so for myself. 

LTL-

Let me say one thing.  NO.

I'm getting lonely too, I'd love to have friends, and perhaps a lover to share my new path in life.  You might recall my recent attempt at joining a lesbian dating site, I briefly posted the rejection letter that I got from the site administrators.  That rejection boiled down to the fact that I am, basically, on the outside, still a man.

As you, and others, may have guessed by now, I'm not a delicate flower, either physically or emotionally.  It was a very painful experience to have that kind of rejection, even though it was more or less an indirect estimate of my effect on the site and not a heart felt evaluation of my worth as a woman.  It hurt me a lot, and it set me back a good bit.

I think you might be very severely affected by a direct, personal rejection if it happened, and it seems more possible if you do make an attempt to date this early in transition.  In all loving kindness, you ARE a sensitive, delicate creature.  IMHO, it could be nearly devastating for you.

I totaly understand what you are saying.  I'm a very senstive and emotional girl.  That will always be who I am and sometimes it's not for my own good.  I've always been able to cry at the drop of a hat and have always tried to see things through other peoples eyes.  My emotions are quite strong and it can dictate my behavior in ways that are sometimes beyond my control. So, I do understand why that is dangerous and believe your warning has validity to it.  However, rejection is something that I will need to face at some point in my life.  Well, I already have in many ways, so I understand how it feels.  But sometimes the fear of rejection prevents us from achieving or seeking what we desire.  It prevents us from being true to who we are and finding what we have always longed for.  I guess feeling emotions of any kind is better than feeling nothing.  Sometimes our attachments can create pain, but it's the emotional aspect of the attachment that makes us human.  I love to feel.  Dating is hard and risky, but so is transitioning or any other fruitful endevor.  For me, it's worth taking the risk.  The question is whether it's possible at the moment or if I can make the timing work.  That is up in the air at the moment. 

[Ltl89]

Despite being full time, I'm in the same boat with regards to dating. I still don't see me physically ready, and so far I have only attracted gay men looking for effeminate boys (Under all of this layer of makeup, that's what I look like under the clothes, plust the tiny breasts). I'd so much want, but my current physique puts me off. I'd have no problem with the back door Pre-SRS, but I don' like being perceived as a guy (Which is what happens when it comes to sex. I've been to a few hook up chats, and that's what they seem to be looking every time I am approached. Sure, I would not mind, but knowing that I'm not going to be seen as a woman puts me off.

Real Dating is even harder... Yeah, I miss not having somebody to rely on, but at the same time...

Thanks for sharing your experience.   I wish men were more easy to deal with and it wouldn't have to be so complicated to meet someone. 

[Marina mtf]

one thing that I would heartily suggest to you is to go to a "pen friend" association (in these days a mail friend lol)
and present yourself as a girl.

Do not give personal contacts, no Phone, Im, Skype whatever... just simple, plain old mails.

I have done this and I have found some good men to exchange meaningful and good letters. IF I will
feel confident, sometime in the future I will come out to them, otherwise they will always have the
impression of a female pen friend.

[j.thompsongirl]

I know it can hurt quite a bit to be lonely, and that it's really easy to just want someone no matter who they are, but you definitely should wait for the right situation. There's no sense getting yourself hurt trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole. Sometimes it's very hard to be patient, but it always pays off in the end.

[Apples Mk.II]

You know what? Fork the body, my fear against males, whatever.

I'm pretty tired of all this and this weekend I will go (with "safety company") to the bar and pubs area, and if I attract somebody, I'm not going to look another way. I'm pretty tired of being like this, and I feel I need to start dating. Can't contain my urges and won't wait more. Six months on HRT and I am full time already. Sure, I still have one year before FFS, but It's becoming harder to get clocked.


Yesterday I found some old photos of my self in swimming garb, and heck, I truly have changed. Am I worried about somebody not clocking me? I'll show the marker on the time (just pull down the scarf and show my adam's apple). No, they won't be any one night stands, and since sex is going to be out of the question, not to worry about somebody not seeing the incoming surprise. If my voice does not scare them and they try to go over a bit more than kissing, I would reveal myself... But no more than that. As I said, a 1.85m guy will be close to me in case something happens..